Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[bernadettefaith]

It is the exact opposite of selfishness. You want your marriage to stay together because you made a covenant bond for life in front of God. This is not selfishness! Do not “buy” into the culture that tells us to follow our emotions or all will be lost.

Love is an act of the will, not a feeling. Love means that my husband will kiss me when he comes home from work even though he doesn’t “feel” like it. Love means that I will take care of my children and change their diapers even though I don’t “feel” like it. Love means that I will many times give my husband the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy even though I am not “in the mood.” Love is a decision, not a feeling.

Look at it this way, anyone can have a “feeling” you can go out tonight even to a nightclub and meet some random man and have a few drinks and he can “feel” like kissing you…but only your husband who is dedicated to you in a marriage will kiss you when the two of you are not necessarily getting along. This is because to love someone is a decision. To get swept up in emotions is nice, but that isn’t true love.

Look at Christ on the cross. That is the true act of love. He laid down His life for us. This is what your and your husband are called to do in marriage. You are called to love your husband as Christ! You are called to set your own selfish (that is earthly and selfish not spiritual) needs aside and give love to your husband. He is called to do the same. So many people think marriage needs to keep a romantic spark alive or something is wrong. I know of no happily married couples that have the same feelings as when they got married, however I know of many happily married couples that have a deep love found through dedication and deep love and prayer. God bless you.

That’s exactly how I feel. I just hate seeing my husband unhappy. I don’t necessarily believe divorce will make him happy but he seems to think so. It upsets me that his first thought when he becomes unhappy with the marriage is to get out. I think that since he assumed that the marriage was over he built up a wall to keep himself from getting hurt again.

 

[The_Bucket]

That’s exactly how I feel. I just hate seeing my husband unhappy. I don’t necessarily believe divorce will make him happy but he seems to think so. It upsets me that his first thought when he becomes unhappy with the marriage is to get out. I think that since he assumed that the marriage was over he built up a wall to keep himself from getting hurt again.

I think it’s telling that your husband is unhappy about a lot of things and not just the marriage. He’s unhappy with himself, he’s unhappy with his career and just how “life is turning out” in general.

You need to love him enough to do all you can to keep him from making a decision that will just serve to hurt himself even more. Divorce over something like this will only lead to him chasing artificial highs. He wants “feelings,” he wants a false high from being infatuated with other women. He’s unsettled with himself, with his spiritual life, with his marriage and so he wants to trade it in for some other fleeting nonsense. He’s just going to end up more miserable.

Love him more than that. It’s great that you’re working on yourself and you’re working on the marriage through counseling. Don’t be overbearing or demanding on him to come to a realization that he should really embrace the marriage again. That’s only going to push him away. Work on yourself, pray for him, be honest in counseling and maybe suggest that he talks to a priest because “hey, maybe God is trying to reach you or something”… really low-key religious suggestions.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[bernadettefaith]

It is the exact opposite of selfishness. You want your marriage to stay together because you made a covenant bond for life in front of God. This is not selfishness! Do not “buy” into the culture that tells us to follow our emotions or all will be lost.

Love is an act of the will, not a feeling. Love means that my husband will kiss me when he comes home from work even though he doesn’t “feel” like it. Love means that I will take care of my children and change their diapers even though I don’t “feel” like it. Love means that I will many times give my husband the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy even though I am not “in the mood.” Love is a decision, not a feeling.

Look at it this way, anyone can have a “feeling” you can go out tonight even to a nightclub and meet some random man and have a few drinks and he can “feel” like kissing you…but only your husband who is dedicated to you in a marriage will kiss you when the two of you are not necessarily getting along. This is because to love someone is a decision. To get swept up in emotions is nice, but that isn’t true love.

Look at Christ on the cross. That is the true act of love. He laid down His life for us. This is what your and your husband are called to do in marriage. You are called to love your husband as Christ! You are called to set your own selfish (that is earthly and selfish not spiritual) needs aside and give love to your husband. He is called to do the same. So many people think marriage needs to keep a romantic spark alive or something is wrong. I know of no happily married couples that have the same feelings as when they got married, however I know of many happily married couples that have a deep love found through dedication and deep love and prayer. God bless you.

Thank you! I have always felt the most loved by the non-romantic things he’s done for me. Love was when he took care of me when I was pregnant and sick. Love was when he went above and beyond to help me recover from my c-sections and help me get started with breastfeeding and caring for my babies. Love was when I was deathly ill and he rushed me to the ER in the middle of the night and stayed by my side until the next afternoon. It’s easy to lose the romance when we have little contact with each other and have two young children. I’m sure it’s still there somewhere but it’s taken a back seat for a while. When I ask him about those times when I’ve felt he’s showed love, he claims that they were obligations and obligation is not love.

 

[bernadettefaith]

“I think he might be confused about what love really means. He can’t put into words what he does not feel for me anymore. He has mentioned that he feels that love should come naturally and shouldn’t take work. I just think he has unrealistic expectations.”

It does and it doesn’t, I think. I always get concerned when people who are very early in their relationships talk about love being work, because I feel that early on, romantic love should come naturally. However, I think “love takes work” or “marriage takes work” is more true of established relationships, but I don’t think I like that formulation, because it makes it sound rather joyless. I’d say that being a mother is work, being a father is work, being an adult child to your parents and in-laws is work, being a wife is work, being a husband is work, etc. Those are all jobs, as well as relationships. It’s not 100% gushing, overflowing, effortless love all the time–there’s a lot of duty in there, making the love stronger and more effective and more consistent. (Think about the steel that reinforces concrete.)

I would definitely say that the era of your marriage and parenthood that you are experiencing right now is probably one of the very toughest, when you have one small child and an infant and your husband is working crazy hours. You both feel spread thin because you are spread thin and maybe you’re not always as nice to each other as you should be. That is hard and there’s nothing you can do to make it not hard. The only thing I can suggest is to do your best, try to be nice to each other, ask your family and friends for help, and patiently wait for your kids to get bigger. I think I would point your husband to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

I’m not an expert on Maslow, but his idea was that you need to have your more basic needs met before you can go on to higher levels. In other words, if your husband is working like crazy right now and is exhausted, he may not have a lot of emotional surplus available for you, which he may interpret as not loving you anymore. When my kids were your kids’ age, I felt that I was so exhausted that I didn’t love my family. All it took was for me to be less exhausted and I had more available emotionally to give my family.

Another interesting resource is C.S. Lewis’s book “The Four Loves,” which is about the different varieties of love and how they relate to each other. Your husband probably doesn’t have time for it, but I would encourage you to read it, even just a few pages at a time. It has a lot to say about your situation. It’s a short book.

Oh yes, I’m familiar with Maslow and that does make sense.

I realize that ours is not an “old” relationship but we’ve been together long enough for the romance to have faded a bit (13 years - 6.5 dating 6.5 married). Or it might not be time that has faced the romance but instead the fact that we had commitments elsewhere (his was his job and mine was the kids).

 

[Musician]

I will pray for you and your marriage. Your husband is probably burnt out from working and having a young family. Be patient with him. Put him FIRST from now on. I agree with other posters that the sooner you go to Retrovaille, the better.

 

[1inICXC]

You havereceived some great advice and I just wanted to and that the Alexander House does counseling even over Skype from what I understood and their method is so effective that the majority of couples are back on their feet in just a few sessions (weeks, not months or years ).

Given your current situation, with the infant, this would probably be a better option for you.

Also, something for both of you to keep in mind… having the first child is the HARDEST transition in a relationship and when the second is still an infant it is not much easier. In 2-3 years, when your children will be busy playing together and the two of you will be able to spend time together, it will be much easier and your whole outlook on life changes when you’re not maxed out!

May God grant you His peace and strength!

 

[tafan]

What I really question is whether it’s selfish to ask my husband not to leave. If he’s still feeling miserable from being with me in a few years should I hold him to his vows? When I said till death do us part, I meant it. I am thinking there’s more that makes him miserable than just me. I don’t see why he would still be miserable in the future if I continue to improve but if he’s unhappy then is unhappiness a reason to end a marriage? I always figured that the only true deal breaker was physical or emotional abuse. I hear all the time that couples get the feeling that they “fall out of love” when in reality they are just disillusioned.

It is certainly not selfish to ask your husband to respect his vows. Someone, probably not you, probably a dad or brother or parish priest, needs to tell your husband to man-up. To abide by his vows, to be happy, and to quit filling sorry for himself.
He needs to be a man.

 

[bernadettefaith]

It is certainly not selfish to ask your husband to respect his vows. Someone, probably not you, probably a dad or brother or parish priest, needs to tell your husband to man-up. To abide by his vows, to be happy, and to quit filling sorry for himself.
He needs to be a man.

Thanks. He is an only child and may or may not listen to the priest. He’s changed his views
on the church and divorce (probably just to suit his needs). His dad may be an option as he’s a practicing Catholic and has been married over 30 yrs. However, his parents might feel the need to defend his personal happiness. I’m not sure. I’d absolutely tell my daughter or son to stick to their vows in that situation.

 

[tafan]

Thanks. He is an only child and may or may not listen to the priest. He’s changed his views
on the church and divorce (probably just to suit his needs). His dad may be an option as he’s a practicing Catholic and has been married over 30 yrs. However, his parents might feel the need to defend his personal happiness. I’m not sure. I’d absolutely tell my daughter or son to stick to their vows in that situation.

I will pray for you. God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

“However, his parents might feel the need to defend his personal happiness.”

Or they may do their best to insure a continuing relationship with their grandchildren.

I really like the statement, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Every relationship that lasts longer than a trip to Hawaii eventually encounters the difficulties of real life–the messiness or the OCD of your spouse, the plumbing problems, the lackadaisical landlord, the lawn that needs to be mowed, the dirty dishes that seem to multiply all by themselves, the kids that get sick or whine or are disrespectful, the endless school projects, car trouble, problem relatives, etc. There’s no escape from most of that.

I’d add that a first marriage is statistically your best shot at happiness. You and your husband only have to worry about yourselves and your kids and your relationships are relatively uncomplicated. Should he divorce you and remarry and have a second family, that would not be the case–he and his new wife and new kids would still have to deal with you and he would still have to financially and emotionally support his children with you. Everything gets much more complicated at that point. Plus, who is to say that his new wife would be any better than you? Also, what if she comes with children from a previous relationship or previous relationships and she has to deal with her exes and their new girlfriends and spouses and their kids. And so on, ad infinitum. There’s no escape from the flaws and difficulties of dealing with human beings.

Best wishes!

 

[bernadettefaith]

“However, his parents might feel the need to defend his personal happiness.”

Or they may do their best to insure a continuing relationship with their grandchildren.

I really like the statement, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Every relationship that lasts longer than a trip to Hawaii eventually encounters the difficulties of real life–the messiness or the OCD of your spouse, the plumbing problems, the lackadaisical landlord, the lawn that needs to be mowed, the dirty dishes that seem to multiply all by themselves, the kids that get sick or whine or are disrespectful, the endless school projects, car trouble, problem relatives, etc. There’s no escape from most of that.

I’d add that a first marriage is statistically your best shot at happiness. You and your husband only have to worry about yourselves and your kids and your relationships are relatively uncomplicated. Should he divorce you and remarry and have a second family, that would not be the case–he and his new wife and new kids would still have to deal with you and he would still have to financially and emotionally support his children with you. Everything gets much more complicated at that point. Plus, who is to say that his new wife would be any better than you? Also, what if she comes with children from a previous relationship or previous relationships and she has to deal with her exes and their new girlfriends and spouses and their kids. And so on, ad infinitum. There’s no escape from the flaws and difficulties of dealing with human beings.

Best wishes!

Thanks. I’d consider involving his parents though I’m not sure if they would support me (relationship is cordial now but haven’t always seen eye to eye).

I agree that second marriages come with way more baggage. We live in an area where most marry young so it would be hard to find a woman who makes it into her late 20’s/early 30’s who is still single and never married.

 

[SED]

Praying for your marriage and family.

God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, you are love and life. Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world. Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love. Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage may prove mightier than all weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant the church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family. We ask this of you, who are life, truth, and love with the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

 

[sweetpetunia]

Thank you! I have always felt the most loved by the non-romantic things he’s done for me. Love was when he took care of me when I was pregnant and sick. Love was when he went above and beyond to help me recover from my c-sections and help me get started with breastfeeding and caring for my babies. Love was when I was deathly ill and he rushed me to the ER in the middle of the night and stayed by my side until the next afternoon. It’s easy to lose the romance when we have little contact with each other and have two young children. I’m sure it’s still there somewhere but it’s taken a back seat for a while. When I ask him about those times when I’ve felt he’s showed love, he claims that they were obligations and obligation is not love.

Spouses frequently have different needs for how love is expressed to them. It sounds like you and your husband may have different “love languages”. By your description, your primary love language is “acts of service”, while your husband’s is likely one of the other four (quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, or physical touch). If you haven’t read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, you may find it helpful, as it helps to determine your love language, and gives suggestions on how to express love to a spouse who has different needs.

 

[rayne89]

Spouses frequently have different needs for how love is expressed to them. It sounds like you and your husband may have different “love languages”. By your description, your primary love language is “acts of service”, while your husband’s is likely one of the other four (quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, or physical touch). If you haven’t read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, you may find it helpful, as it helps to determine your love language, and gives suggestions on how to express love to a spouse who has different needs.

I second this recommendation.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Oh yes, I have 5 Love Languages on my Kindle and mine was tied between Acts of Service and Quality Time. I’m fairly certain that dh’s is physical touch but he’s not in a place right now where he wants to be touched.

 

[sweetpetunia]

Oh yes, I have 5 Love Languages on my Kindle and mine was tied between Acts of Service and Quality Time. I’m fairly certain that dh’s is physical touch but he’s not in a place right now where he wants to be touched.

My husband and I are the exact opposite–he’s an acts of service guy, and I need physical touch, so I get it. Is it possible, though, that you can start more simply? In other words, he might not be open to sexual touch, or being held, or receiving a massage, but how would he react to physical proximity? If he was watching a movie, could you snuggle in and maybe, after a few times, even lay your head on his shoulder? (A subtle but sweet perfume might help if he likes it-- Physical touch people tend to be sense-oriented like that. I love it when my husband wears a nice cologne.) How about rubbing his shoulder (it’s less intimate than a back rub) after a long day of work–not long enough to be mistaken for an overture (since he’s not open to the attempt), but just long enough for you to tell him how much you appreciate how much he does for the family? Little things like that might slowly win him over.

 

[bernadettefaith]

In regard to Retrouvaille…

I know there are several follow up weekends. My dh could most likely get one weekend off to go to the weekend. However, it’s unlikely that he could get more than 2-3 weekends free in that time period. Is the follow up work flexible at all? I didn’t initially want to say what he does for work on a public forum but he’s in law enforcement and his hours are pretty much set in stone unless he can get someone to cover his shift. I also believe that to some extent it affects our relationship and his outlook on life.

 

[7armyrugrats]

In regard to Retrouvaille…

I know there are several follow up weekends. My dh could most likely get one weekend off to go to the weekend. However, it’s unlikely that he could get more than 2-3 weekends free in that time period. Is the follow up work flexible at all? I didn’t initially want to say what he does for work on a public forum but he’s in law enforcement and his hours are pretty much set in stone unless he can get someone to cover his shift. I also believe that to some extent it affects our relationship and his outlook on life.

Yes it does impact your husband’s relationship with you and also his emotional state in general. I get it. I understand. My dad was an MP in the Army and then on a local police dept for 20 yrs (5 patrolman, 15 detective) and then a detective for state police for another 5 years. During that time, most of his buddies were divorced and remarried, some of tgem multiple times. It is a very difficult family situation. My parents’ marriage was very successful, and they credit the Church for holding them together.

Being married to a soldier is hard at times, but being married to a police officer is hard ALL the time. I will keep your family in my prayers and suggest praying the St. Michael prayer daily. He is patron saint of law enforcement. Also, prayer to your husband’s guardian angel. Maybe his angel might be able to work on your husband’s heart for you as well as protect him during his job. I realize that technically your husband is NEVER off duty, he is bound to protect the law at all times, and that makes for difficulties with scheduling a retreat, not to mention having little ones to care for. My parents raised six of us and I don’t remember them ever going away for a weekend, and only a few times for dinner/date nights. It is tough, but it can work and it is a light to the world showing the way to God when it does. I pray daily for police officers and their families. thank your husband for me, and thank you for being there as a support to your husband. He has a tough and emotionally demanding job, but yours is just tough emotionally and all to often it is even harder emotionally. Too many people overlook the contributions spouses play in the duties that are performed by firemen, police and military. It’s even harder when the marriage relationship is suffering due to tge stresses that are beyond our control, and beyond the limits most families can even imagine. Pray to St. Joseph, St. Michael, and your husband’s guardian angel, and then just keep loving in the best way you can. I’ll be praying for you all as well

 

[bernadettefaith]

Yes it does impact your husband’s relationship with you and also his emotional state in general. I get it. I understand. My dad was an MP I. Tge Army and then on a local police dept for 20 yrs (5 patrolman, 15 detective) and then a detective for state police for another 5 years. During that time, most of his buddies were divorced and remarried, some of tgem multiple times. It is a very difficult family situation. My parents’ marriage was very successful, and they credit the Church for holding them together.

Being married to a soldier is hard at times, but being married to a police officer is hard ALL the time. I will keep your family in my prayers and suggest praying the St. Michael prayer daily. He is patron saint of law enforcement. Also, prayer to your husband’s guardian angel. Maybe his angel might be able to work on your husband’s heart for you as well as protect him during his job. I realize that technically your husband is Bever off duty, he is bound to protect the law at all times, and that makes for difficulties with scheduling a retreat, nit to mention having little ones to care for. My parents raised six of us and I don’t remember them ever going away for a weekend, and inky a few times for dinner/date nights. It is tough, but it can work and it is a light to the world showing the way to God when it does. I pray daily for police officers and their families. thank your husband for me, and thank you for being there as a support to your husband. He has a tough and emotionally demanding job, but yours is just tough emotionally and all to often it is even harder emotionally. Too many people overlook the contributions spouses play in the duties that are performed by firemen, police and military. It’s even harder when the marriage relationship is suffering due to tge stresses that are beyond our control, and beyond the limits most families can even imagine. Pray to St. Joseph, St. Michael, and your husband’s guardian angel, and then just keep loving in the best way you can. I’ll be praying for you all as well

Thank you! My husband never, ever takes his St. Michael medal off. I believe he prays to him and I will as well.

 

[sweetpetunia]

In regard to Retrouvaille…

I know there are several follow up weekends. My dh could most likely get one weekend off to go to the weekend. However, it’s unlikely that he could get more than 2-3 weekends free in that time period. Is the follow up work flexible at all? I didn’t initially want to say what he does for work on a public forum but he’s in law enforcement and his hours are pretty much set in stone unless he can get someone to cover his shift. I also believe that to some extent it affects our relationship and his outlook on life.

It would probably be best if you called and inquired, as there may be some flexibility. Also, in regards to your baby refusing a bottle for your weekend away, there may be other options for that, too. For example, some breastfeeding clinics teach “cup feedings”, this video demonstrates what that means for infants: breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=vid-cupfeed