Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“At least I don’t think so because he’s going to counseling and paying attention and wanting to work on things by following her suggestions. He’s also willing to talk to our parish priest if necessary.”

That’s all very, very good. It’s so common for spouses to refuse any kind of counseling or intervention.

 

[Xantippe]

It sounds like you are content with your financial situation, and that your income is adequate, but that your husband would like a little more money. You said that he sees his colleagues who have working wives and seem to be more financially comfortable.

It crossed my mind that while your husband knows his colleagues’ level of consumption, what he doesn’t know is their debt level and their cash-flow situation. You guys live within your means and make a lot of sacrifices to do so. I would not assume that his colleagues are living within their means, even if their means are bigger than your means. Without a good look at their bank balances, credit card accounts, etc., there is no way of knowing if they are doing really well or if they are living on the knife edge of financial disaster. You may in fact be in much better financial shape than the colleagues he is envying.

Best wishes!

 

[bernadettefaith]

Even if you made little money or no money at all, that doesn’t justify your husband leaving his family. The fact that he knows you don’t have a job, the more he should be proud to be the provider of the family. I am sure deep in your heart you know this but the more you reason out with him the worse it will get. Selfishness, Pride and lack of charity and respect is what your husband has. Pray to the Lord that your husband may have humility , charity and a generous heart

Right. He believes that he’s charitable because he’s staying around for now - and I suppose that in a way I’m lucky that he takes our finances into consideration. I wish he were here because he wants to be with me…but as long as he’s still here there’s hope he will come around.

He thinks that he’s generous because he would give more than the court ordered child/spousal support. I believe that he’d probably leave everything to me but he doesn’t realize how much cash he would need to start out on his own. I’ve been in charge of finances for the most part.

 

[bernadettefaith]

It sounds like you are content with your financial situation, and that your income is adequate, but that your husband would like a little more money. You said that he sees his colleagues who have working wives and seem to be more financially comfortable.

It crossed my mind that while your husband knows his colleagues’ level of consumption, what he doesn’t know is their debt level and their cash-flow situation. You guys live within your means and make a lot of sacrifices to do so. I would not assume that his colleagues are living within their means, even if their means are bigger than your means. Without a good look at their bank balances, credit card accounts, etc., there is no way of knowing if they are doing really well or if they are living on the knife edge of financial disaster. You may in fact be in much better financial shape than the colleagues he is envying.

Best wishes!

I definitely agree that he is unaware of others’ financial situations. Since we only have one vehicle, we were able to buy a new car with cash (sold two used cars and used savings). He sees having one vehicle as a huge sacrifice but he doesn’t need a car to drive to work so there’s rarely an occasion that we both need a vehicle at the same time.

I think that part of him is realizing that things are getting better as I’ve been working hard to change my attitude toward him. He has even said that he feels like he’s the jerk now as I’ve changed so much and he still doesn’t feel like he loves me.

The main thing I get from our conversations is that he’s afraid that I will get angry with him again. He says that he isn’t comfortable around me because he’s constantly in fear that I will respond with anger. I do not recall being quite this angry, but I’ll take his word for it. He says that he just doesn’t feel the emotional connection with me anymore so he’s not comfortable with confiding in me or touching me. Other than responding to him with kindness and understanding is there any other way I can help?

He’s become angry with me on a few occasions and I haven’t responded in anger. I sometimes feel like it’s a double standard. He’s allowed to get angry but I am not

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“He thinks that he’s generous because he would give more than the court ordered child/spousal support. I believe that he’d probably leave everything to me but he doesn’t realize how much cash he would need to start out on his own. I’ve been in charge of finances for the most part.”

He thinks that now because 1) he hasn’t been doing the money and doesn’t know how much everything costs and 2) he doesn’t have a girlfriend or new wife in the picture griping about where all his money is going.

“He’s become angry with me on a few occasions and I haven’t responded in anger. I sometimes feel like it’s a double standard. He’s allowed to get angry but I am not.”

Tell him that.

I think you need to bring him on board with your financial planning, because I don’t think he understands the money or how much financial value you are bringing to your family. Do a monthly budget meeting and point out to him where you are and where you’re going. Don’t be his mommy–do it together. Make a wish list for both of you (with big and small things) and start making plans for how to get there. And make sure you’re spending time and/or money on dates for you two. Let him choose most of them. (By the way, activity dates are supposed to be more effective for couples than dinner-and-movie dates where you keep doing the same thing.)

nytimes.com/2008/02/12/health/12well.html

(I’m personally planning to take my husband and baby to the zoo and then have lunch this week.)

I suspect that part of what’s going on is that he feels like he is making huge material sacrifices for the family by sticking around, whereas in reality, he would be a much poorer man the moment he walked out the door.

Have you done Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University? That might be a good couple activity. It’s 9 weeks, one night a week. You can retake the course as often as you like once you’re a member. I think it might be very helpful for your husband to have that kind of peer group and to realize how well you’re doing.

daveramsey.com/fpu

If you have, there’s also Dave Ramsey’s new Legacy Journey course-it’s a 7-week course. I haven’t taken that one, but it might be relevant to you, as it’s about what you do once you’re financially on track. It might be good for your husband to have a sense of goals–what are all these sacrifices for?

daveramsey.com/legacy/home/?ictid=classpage

 

[Julianna]

I definitely agree that he is unaware of others’ financial situations. Since we only have one vehicle, we were able to buy a new car with cash (sold two used cars and used savings). He sees having one vehicle as a huge sacrifice but he doesn’t need a car to drive to work so there’s rarely an occasion that we both need a vehicle at the same time.

I think that part of him is realizing that things are getting better as I’ve been working hard to change my attitude toward him. He has even said that he feels like he’s the jerk now as I’ve changed so much and he still doesn’t feel like he loves me.

The main thing I get from our conversations is that he’s afraid that I will get angry with him again. He says that he isn’t comfortable around me because he’s constantly in fear that I will respond with anger. I do not recall being quite thias angry, but I’ll take his word for it. He says that he just doesn’t feel the emotional connection with me anymore so he’s not comfortable with confiding in me or touching me. Other than responding to him with kindness and understanding is there any other way I can help?

He’s become angry with me on a few occasions and I haven’t responded in anger. I sometimes feel like it’s a double standard. He’s allowed to get angry but I am not

Why do yoy get angry with him? Sounds like you got what you need. And have been. You are a SAHM…you handle the finances. …he doesn’t need a car for work…you ha e a nea car…he works overtime adding money to the household… So why be angry at him?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Why do yoy get angry with him? Sounds like you got what you need. And have been. You are a SAHM…you handle the finances. …he doesn’t need a car for work…you ha e a nea car…he works overtime adding money to the household… So why be angry at him?

I’m not angry with him. He fears that I will get angry with him but I’m not expressing any anger at the moment. He was upset because I would get angry in the past - not necessarily always with him. I’m sad that he wants nothing to do with me right now but am not angry. I just fear that he believes that it’s never ok for me to be angry while he’s allowed to be angry and hold a grudge against me. According to him, it’s been a year or two since my anger has scared him.

We have talked about the double standard issue but he’s not seeing it. He expresses anger in different ways from me. He’s obviously very angry with me as he’s been refusing to touch me for months now. He’s gotten impatient with me and he knows that. But then he says that he feels crazy because I’m not responding with anger and that’s what he expects. He says that he is trying to get rid of the grudge but can’t.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“We have talked about the double standard issue but he’s not seeing it. He expresses anger in different ways from me. He’s obviously very angry with me as he’s been refusing to touch me for months now. He’s gotten impatient with me and he knows that. But then he says that he feels crazy because I’m not responding with anger and that’s what he expects. He says that he is trying to get rid of the grudge but can’t.”

Alternately, he might be sad, stressed and run-down.

Somebody upthread suggested a medical look-over for him–that’s a good idea. Ask specifically for an evaluation for depression.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“We have talked about the double standard issue but he’s not seeing it. He expresses anger in different ways from me. He’s obviously very angry with me as he’s been refusing to touch me for months now. He’s gotten impatient with me and he knows that. But then he says that he feels crazy because I’m not responding with anger and that’s what he expects. He says that he is trying to get rid of the grudge but can’t.”

Alternately, he might be sad, stressed and run-down.

Somebody upthread suggested a medical look-over for him–that’s a good idea. Ask specifically for an evaluation for depression.

Yes! The therapist will be seeing us each separately in the next few weeks. She’s mentioned that I’ve been depressed over the whole relationship issue but never mentions that he could be depressed.

Trying not to go into TMI but it’s not like him at all to have no sex drive. He says that he doesn’t even desire masturbation or porn as an outlet - I realize those things are wrong but he’s not a practicing Catholic anymore. I do wonder if the low sex drive has to do with something other than me. Or it’s possible that the relationship issues just stress him out that much.

He’s also afraid that I’m going to revert back to my old ways. It’s possible that he fears getting too close to me because he may get hurt again. I’ll admit that there were periods of time when I really wasn’t enjoying it and only did it as an obligation. He’s still very hurt and feels rejected. I get that he’s upset but I hope that giving him time and space does the trick.

 

[Julianna]

I’m not angry with him. He fears that I will get angry with him but I’m not expressing any anger at the moment. He was upset because I would get angry in the past - not necessarily always with him. I’m sad that he wants nothing to do with me right now but am not angry. I just fear that he believes that it’s never ok for me to be angry while he’s allowed to be angry and hold a grudge against me. According to him, it’s been a year or two since my anger has scared him.

We have talked about the double standard issue but he’s not seeing it. He expresses anger in different ways from me. He’s obviously very angry with me as he’s been refusing to touch me for months now. He’s gotten impatient with me and he knows that. But then he says that he feels crazy because I’m not responding with anger and that’s what he expects. He says that he is trying to get rid of the grudge but can’t.

Why should he fear that you will get angry with him…and why should you have to walk on eggshells because of that fear? I hope the therapist digs to find out what made you angry not just with him but other things …in the past. There lies the core of the situation.

From my armchair quarterback keyboard…I see

1. His resentment towards you for not pursuing the career you worked hard for,(do you have a student loan to pay back)
2. For not including him in the budget
3. focusing more attention on the children than him, which is very common for women with children under the age of 5.
4. Your biggest fear, is that he is right, he will leave, and you will be living in poverty with two kids…and that you need him more than he needs you.\
5. You don’t like the silent treatment that he is giving you…and there is a reason. Your therapist will get to the bottom of it, if you both are honest.
6. The part about him “falling out of love”…is perhaps that you have been together, all through high school, all through college and marriage was the next step. He feels like he was an “accessory” to you and the order of things.

I don’t understand how you can’t talk to his parents or your parents (siblings) about what is going on. You are grown people, not children. You need help with the kids…ask for it. Don’t worry about what “they” will “think”…keeping it all bottled up inside and waiting for therapy day doesn’t do anyone any good. No marriage is perfect…

I’ve been married 32 yrs and there are many ebbs and flows. The 7 year mark is the hardest. You are on the right track.

Both of you stop walking on eggshells around each other…resentment will grow in that stale environment.

Put the budget on an xcel spreadsheet and show it to him. Discuss it with him. If you have 2 computers, email it to him if he doesn’t want to talk to you. Also on line banking (some of them) have it on their site where you can pull an xcel spreadsheet right from the account.

You are the domestic engineer…you chose that. Now run your home like a Swiss watch and “include” him on what is going on. If he tells you that he is tired of working overtime, even though it pays well…there is your cue…go to work part time. I worked at a childcare center from the time my kids (21 mths apart) were infants to the age of 4 for my son and 2 for my daughter. Alot of pre schools have part time, morning teachers…and your lapsed degree is of no consequence. My kids were with me the whole day I was working. When I worked at the Catholic School my son came with me, and my mother watched my daughter until she turned 3, then she came with me to work.

Stop walking on eggshells…it’s painful and cuts your feet, no to mention your heart.

 

[bernadettefaith]

That’s the thing, I don’t know why he fears I will get angry with him. He says he’s not walking on eggshells and he expects me to get angry at certain things and when I don’t he is shocked. He’s not really giving me the silent treatment. He talks to me plenty, he just doesn’t want any form of intimacy or touching.

Nope, no loans. We try to avoid debt and my school was paid for by scholarships and my own cash. He has told me several times that he understands why I can’t teach right now. He just had the ideal in his head that his wife would be a career woman because he grew up with a working mom - she worked for his dad’s business. Teaching just wouldn’t bring in a lot of extra money after daycare and other costs. At least not enough to make a huge difference. My mom lives too far to babysit and cares for my nephew while my sister works so can’t travel to us. If he could get a steady midnight shift I might sub but he cannot do that. So his career plays a huge part in all of this as well. I had also assumed that I would work but only because I thought I would have to. It was never my ideal to send my baby to daycare so that we could have a few extra dollars. I originally thought that he would work a steady shift and I could work during the day while he works at night. That doesn’t work with his particular job though. We’ve discussed this a lot and he really just brought it up once. He says that it’s far from the main issue. He’s totally fine with me staying home for the next few years, at least till ds starts preschool. The counselor has asked him if he wants me to go back to work and he says that he doesn’t and that it wouldn’t make him feel any better toward me.

We know what made me angry in the past. Long story short, I had anger toward his parents (based on a lie he told). Once I knew the truth I was no longer angry with his parents. He feared I would be angry with him so he continued the lie. I blew the whole thing way out of proportion and realize that now. Yes, I was wrong and have apologized and he has accepted the apology. We also discussed this in therapy and are working on it.

He is included in the budget. He at least knows how much money we have at all times and how much each monthly bill is. He knows how much all the bills are. I’m embarrassed to admit, but we don’t stick to a strict budget of any kind. He generally buys what he needs and I buy what I need and we have plenty to cover it. As long as he gets to buy what he needs he doesn’t really complain. His hobby is firearms so he’d love to have a bunch of super expensive guns but I don’t think that has much to do with me. He doesn’t have time to sit down and pay bills because he works too much. A few years ago he was in charge of bills so he has a pretty good idea of where the cash goes. He hasn’t mentioned any resentment in that regard. He just doesn’t realize for some reason that he would a lot of expenses living on his own. He thinks he could get by on half his salary if he left because he thinks he would have half the bills. He doesn’t realize how much it would cost to start up a new household while helping to maintain half of my household. A spreadsheet is a good idea though. I’d love to be able to reduce our spending and have more savings.

The time with the kids could have something to do with it. Though now he wants little to do with me and he prefers to spend time with the kids over me.

Yes! He does think that he married me just so he could have a wife. He thought I married him just to have a husband. I don’t think that’s true on either side. At least it certainly was not true for me. We’re married now though so I don’t see the point in divorce so he can date other women.

I am not comfortable talking to my parents because they would most likely have a lot of hatred toward him for the things he says and does. They would most likely hold this against him. I cannot risk it. They do babysit while we attend counseling - they just don’t need to know that it’s for counseling. I have one sibling (he’s got none) and she would probably be ok to talk to but I just don’t know. Our counselor says that speaking with parents is a bad idea because they take sides. His parents would possibly resent me as much as he does if they heard his side of the story. I do feel like his parents are a bit more open minded and might be ok to confide in. However, I fear that they would put their son’s personal happiness before his marriage. They could end up only making the situation worse.

I suppose I do need him more than he needs me. He’s very capable and could take care of himself without a wife in the picture. It’s certainly not just about the money. If I really didn’t want to be with him then I probably would find a way to support my children on my own. I’d rather live in government housing with him than live in our home by myself. I’m just not ok with leaving him unless I were in a dangerous situation.

I’m not sure how I would work part time. He cannot cut down below 50 hours per week because the agency needs someone to cover the extra work. If he doesn’t volunteer he often gets assigned to it. He refuses to cut back on his hours as I’ve told him that he can volunteer for less if he wants. He can’t babysit while I work because he works rotating shifts. I don’t have a relative close by to babysit for free. So where do I find a babysitter who will work for free or close to it? I would assume that a part time preschool teacher would make around $10 an hr out here from what I’ve heard from other teachers. In my state, they have universal prek and require certification. Oh and in home daycare is a a possibility where I could have ds with me but comes with a lot of liability that he’s not ok with - or I might consider that.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Oh and he only wants me to work at a job that makes money. So he’s really not thrilled with the idea of working for a daycare (usually little more than minimum wage) or Catholic school jobs. That’s why I came up with the idea of going back to school. I also can’t work, go to school, and take care of the home all at once. I’m pretty sure he understands that as well.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“Trying not to go into TMI but it’s not like him at all to have no sex drive. He says that he doesn’t even desire masturbation or porn as an outlet - I realize those things are wrong but he’s not a practicing Catholic anymore. I do wonder if the low sex drive has to do with something other than me. Or it’s possible that the relationship issues just stress him out that much.”

I think it’s common for people to think that they are unhappy in their marriage when they are just plain unhappy.

Definitely investigate the physical side of this. It might be something ridiculously simple like walking pneumonia or diabetes. There may be some physical factor that is hurting his libido, and he is interpreting his lack of libido as lack of love for you. He also may just be avoiding you in order to avoid some sort of embarrassing performance failure. That may also explain his sudden enthusiasm for overtime.

Julianna said:

“If he tells you that he is tired of working overtime, even though it pays well…there is your cue…go to work part time.”

Do we even know that he is tired of working overtime?

I would caution the OP against making assumptions about what her husband wants or doesn’t want right now. He may honestly not know. Also, there are hidden costs to going back to work/putting the kids in daycare. I have known husbands to be REALLY ticked off when kids go to preschool, pick up preschool germs, infect younger siblings, and get daddy repeatedly sick, too (the last one is especially unpopular). That first year in a group environment can be a doozy. In our family, my husband didn’t like all the germs coming home from preschool, but I held out, right up until the time that our preschooler got rotavirus (there’s a vaccine now, thank goodness), had to spend several hours in the ER getting rehydrated, infected her infant brother, and then he had to spend the night at the hospital getting rehydrated (and my husband had to spend the night with him). After that, I finally, very reluctantly agreed to pull our daughter out of preschool. It was a very cheap co-op program and I loved having someplace to send my preschooler every morning, but oh the price in terms of health and peace of mind!

bernadettefaith said:

“He doesn’t have time to sit down and pay bills because he works too much.”

That’s not a problem. I wouldn’t worry about it.

“He just doesn’t realize for some reason that he would a lot of expenses living on his own. He thinks he could get by on half his salary if he left because he thinks he would have half the bills. He doesn’t realize how much it would cost to start up a new household while helping to maintain half of my household.”

You can’t just cut the house in half or the car in half, right?

Best wishes!

 

[bernadettefaith]

I do worry about illness and daycare. My dd has had breathing difficulties and gets ear infections easily. I would have to be the one to take off work because he can’t always do so in his line of work. Taking too much time off could make me lose a job.

I do worry about depression but he insists that he’s happy unless he’s with me. He doesn’t constantly act unhappy. It’s just frustrating to figure it all out. I’d kind of like to talk to his parents but it would make him way uncomfortable. They also may want to protect him because he is their only child and they might agree that I’m causing him to be unhappy.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“Oh and he only wants me to work at a job that makes money. So he’s really not thrilled with the idea of working for a daycare (usually little more than minimum wage) or Catholic school jobs.”

That’s sensible. You can walk out your front door and make $16k working at Walmart and have more hope of future earning potential.

Think hard if it is worthwhile for you to go back to school for an MA in education if public school jobs are hard to get in your area. Your husband might be unhappy if you guys spent that kind of money and then you couldn’t get a public school job for several years.

You might want to consider going in a completely different direction.

My personal plan is to start doing seasonal tax work at some place like H & R Block once we need to pay for tuition for our youngest, and then if I like it, explore the possibility of maybe going back to school as a CPA. It’s something I never would have considered 15 years ago, but I think it could really be a good thing for me and for our family.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“Oh and he only wants me to work at a job that makes money. So he’s really not thrilled with the idea of working for a daycare (usually little more than minimum wage) or Catholic school jobs.”

That’s sensible. You can walk out your front door and make $16k working at Walmart and have more hope of future earning potential.

Think hard if it is worthwhile for you to go back to school for an MA in education if public school jobs are hard to get in your area. Your husband might be unhappy if you guys spent that kind of money and then you couldn’t get a public school job for several years.

You might want to consider going in a completely different direction.

My personal plan is to start doing seasonal tax work at some place like H & R Block once we need to pay for tuition for our youngest, and then if I like it, explore the possibility of maybe going back to school as a CPA. It’s something I never would have considered 15 years ago, but I think it could really be a good thing for me and for our family.

My masters work be in early intervention. That’s a very in demand career field but I’m not 100% sure I’m the right person for the job. I’m sure it takes a very special person to do such work. I’d definitely like to try! I do wish to avoid debt but I think this might be worthwhile.

I do a lot of volunteer work with breastfeeding moms and Dh believes I should look into becoming a lactation consultant. I think that education is probably a better fit for me though because I’m not good with the medical field. Generally that field would require a nursing degree and I don’t think I have it in me.

My parents both have accounting degrees My mom worked for the IRS back in the day but couldn’t get back into the field as she didn’t know how to use modern technology.

 

[MJJean]

Trying not to go into TMI but it’s not like him at all to have no sex drive. He says that he doesn’t even desire masturbation or porn as an outlet - I realize those things are wrong but he’s not a practicing Catholic anymore. I do wonder if the low sex drive has to do with something other than me. Or it’s possible that the relationship issues just stress him out that much.

Stress and tension are real libido killers. And simply time and aging can also cause hormonal changes that sometimes go awry. Suggest he see a doctor and specifically mention that his libido has gone on vacation. Ask that the doctor check him thoroughly and pay special attention to hormone levels. If medical issues are ruled out then you at least have it narrowed down to psychological issues like the stress and tension possibilities.

Is he eating healthy? Is he getting the nutrition that his body needs for his level of athleticism? Sometimes diet can play a big role in how one feels physically and mentally. When the DH and I were younger we could be very active outside with friends playing some sport and eat any ole thing. Now that we have aged a bit we find that diet has made a huge difference in terms of energy level and how often we want sex. Going low carb, high protein, and eating less meat with more fresh steamed veggies significantly helped us physically and then we simply felt better…more optimistic.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Stress and tension are real libido killers. And simply time and aging can also cause hormonal changes that sometimes go awry. Suggest he see a doctor and specifically mention that his libido has gone on vacation. Ask that the doctor check him thoroughly and pay special attention to hormone levels. If medical issues are ruled out then you at least have it narrowed down to psychological issues like the stress and tension possibilities.

Is he eating healthy? Is he getting the nutrition that his body needs for his level of athleticism? Sometimes diet can play a big role in how one feels physically and mentally. When the DH and I were younger we could be very active outside with friends playing some sport and eat any ole thing. Now that we have aged a bit we find that diet has made a huge difference in terms of energy level and how often we want sex. Going low carb, high protein, and eating less meat with more fresh steamed veggies significantly helped us physically and then we simply felt better…more optimistic.

I’ve mentioned it to him but he just says that he has no libido because he doesn’t want me/ doesn’t love me. He was also getting sex related migraines but he believes it’s no longer an issue because he “tested the theory by taking care of himself” once and it didn’t happen. I can’t force him to see a dr and he’s convinced all is well. He obviously won’t test the theory with me so I can’t say if it’s still a problem or not.

We try to eat fairly healthy but he isn’t a fan of most veggies and loves meat and carbs.

 

[MJJean]

I’ve mentioned it to him but he just says that he has no libido because he doesn’t want me/ doesn’t love me. He was also getting sex related migraines but he believes it’s no longer an issue because he “tested the theory by taking care of himself” once and it didn’t happen. I can’t force him to see a dr and he’s convinced all is well. He obviously won’t test the theory with me so I can’t say if it’s still a problem or not.

We try to eat fairly healthy but he isn’t a fan of most veggies and loves meat and carbs.

When was his last physical and what was his blood pressure like? I had sex and activity related migraines and it turned out I also had high blood pressure. Which is one of the reasons our diet changed. I had to change my diet as part of treating the blood pressure and I made everyone in the house eat what I was eating because I am the cook and can do that, lol. That’s when we noticed feeling so much better and libido increases.

Anyhow, with men in particular, high blood pressure is a libido killer, too.

 

[bernadettefaith]

When was his last physical and what was his blood pressure like? I had sex and activity related migraines and it turned out I also had high blood pressure. Which is one of the reasons our diet changed. I had to change my diet as part of treating the blood pressure and I made everyone in the house eat what I was eating because I am the cook and can do that, lol. That’s when we noticed feeling so much better and libido increases.

Anyhow, with men in particular, high blood pressure is a libido killer, too.

He was sick last month so he’s been to the dr a few times recently. He’s had borderline high bp in the past. He didn’t say anything about it being high this time though.