Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“I’ve mentioned it to him but he just says that he has no libido because he doesn’t want me/ doesn’t love me. He was also getting sex related migraines but he believes it’s no longer an issue because he “tested the theory by taking care of himself” once and it didn’t happen. I can’t force him to see a dr and he’s convinced all is well. He obviously won’t test the theory with me so I can’t say if it’s still a problem or not.”

Presumably, his career has physical requirements. If he lets whatever this is go too long, he could find himself out of a job. Get him to a doctor, no matter what you have to do. I would even consider telling his parents (vaguely, of course) that he’s refusing to see a doctor and that you are concerned that he isn’t himself and that there may be some serious underlying health condition. That’s a risky move and your husband may regard it as a breech of trust, but his mom may be able to nag him into going to the doctor.

I’m starting to lean toward his lack of libido being the central issue, with him blaming you for it, when it may be entirely unrelated to your relationship issues. It’s a very easy cop-out (sorry!) for him to blame you for his lack of libido and to think that it would all be different with a new woman. Also, do some reading on ED and talk to your primary care doctor and share your research with your husband.

 

[MJJean]

Presumably, his career has physical requirements. If he lets whatever this is go too long, he could find himself out of a job. Get him to a doctor, no matter what you have to do. I would even consider telling his parents (vaguely, of course) that he’s refusing to see a doctor and that you are concerned that he isn’t himself and that there may be some serious underlying health condition. That’s a risky move and your husband may regard it as a breech of trust, but his mom may be able to nag him into going to the doctor.

I’m starting to lean toward his lack of libido being the central issue, with him blaming you for it, when it may be entirely unrelated to your relationship issues. It’s a very easy cop-out (sorry!) for him to blame you for his lack of libido and to think that it would all be different with a new woman. Also, do some reading on ED and talk to your primary care doctor and share your research with your husband.

Job related physicals aren’t that great as a general rule. They tend to be cursory. Not in detail as would be necessary to diagnose quirky high blood pressure and/or hormonal imbalance or another issue. In most cases, going to the family doctor and requesting a physical because of certain problems and concerns leads to more in depth testing and hopefully an answer and treatment.

My own high blood pressure sometimes reads as “borderline” and is sometimes very high. I have to go in monthly for monitoring to get any kind of accuracy. Which is how I ended up on meds for it. I’d be concerned about BP if he’s read borderline in the past.

I agree it could very well be a health issue blamed on you and the relationship, Bernadettefaith. I’ve been there. My husbands lack of libido was blamed on me and the relationship initially. He thought at first that he still loved me and just lost attraction to me. Then he thought it was a lack of love that lead to the lack of attraction. And part of that was certainty that nothing was wrong with him and it must be me. Finally, he realized it was not lack of attraction or lack of love. It was a combination of health, diet, and stress.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“I’ve mentioned it to him but he just says that he has no libido because he doesn’t want me/ doesn’t love me. He was also getting sex related migraines but he believes it’s no longer an issue because he “tested the theory by taking care of himself” once and it didn’t happen. I can’t force him to see a dr and he’s convinced all is well. He obviously won’t test the theory with me so I can’t say if it’s still a problem or not.”

Presumably, his career has physical requirements. If he lets whatever this is go too long, he could find himself out of a job. Get him to a doctor, no matter what you have to do. I would even consider telling his parents (vaguely, of course) that he’s refusing to see a doctor and that you are concerned that he isn’t himself and that there may be some serious underlying health condition. That’s a risky move and your husband may regard it as a breech of trust, but his mom may be able to nag him into going to the doctor.

I’m starting to lean toward his lack of libido being the central issue, with him blaming you for it, when it may be entirely unrelated to your relationship issues. It’s a very easy cop-out (sorry!) for him to blame you for his lack of libido and to think that it would all be different with a new woman. Also, do some reading on ED and talk to your primary care doctor and share your research with your husband./

Maybe a good first step would be to talk to the counselor. He might just tell his parents that his migraines stopped so he doesn’t need help. And they probably would believe him since I can’t too easily tell them the cause of his migraines and why he’s no longer getting them without explaining the whole situation.

It does make sense that there’s an underlying cause. I believe that there are relationship issues but there’s something else going on that’s making them worse. It just doesn’t add up.

First of all, I know that he certainly did love me when we first got married. Even now, he still rated our first year of marriage as a 9 out of 10 during counseling.

When I asked if he planned to stay in the relationship when we conceived our babies, he said yes. Both children required more than a year of trying so they were definitely deliberate pregnancies. I’d say that he was more into the idea of having a second than I was at the time and that was only about 18 mos ago.

Until June, he was always talking about our future. We talked about buying a second car in the next few years and purchasing a larger house. We refinanced our mortgage to 15 yr for a lower rate as well. These all showed signs of long term commitment IMO. When according to him he was on his way out the door at that point. He says he only decided to stay because he saw I was changing.

In May/June he started acting different and it was pretty sudden. He seemed down most of the time and not himself. I know it could be the relationship issues but it also could be something else. I guess it’s hard to tell which is the cause.

He said that the last straw was related to sex. He realized that I wasn’t enjoying it and suddenly wondered where all the passion has gone. I was 5 months postpartum at the time and just not back into the groove of things yet. I wasn’t sure what to make of this because I always assumed that marriage would go through stages where we weren’t crazy passionately in love. I guess I was too complacent. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. He felt (and maybe still feels) that I didn’t love him because I didn’t want sex. He says that he believes that I love him now but he didn’t always feel loved.

I’ve read about low testosterone and I believe migraines can be associated with this. I don’t think it’s common for men under 30, but who knows?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Job related physicals aren’t that great as a general rule. They tend to be cursory. Not in detail as would be necessary to diagnose quirky high blood pressure and/or hormonal imbalance or another issue. In most cases, going to the family doctor and requesting a physical because of certain problems and concerns leads to more in depth testing and hopefully an answer and treatment.

My own high blood pressure sometimes reads as “borderline” and is sometimes very high. I have to go in monthly for monitoring to get any kind of accuracy. Which is how I ended up on meds for it. I’d be concerned about BP if he’s read borderline in the past.

I agree it could very well be a health issue blamed on you and the relationship, Bernadettefaith. I’ve been there. My husbands lack of libido was blamed on me and the relationship initially. He thought at first that he still loved me and just lost attraction to me. Then he thought it was a lack of love that lead to the lack of attraction. And part of that was certainty that nothing was wrong with him and it must be me. Finally, he realized it was not lack of attraction or lack of love. It was a combination of health, diet, and stress.

The thing is, he’s lost a lot of weight recently as he’s started running again. So I would think his bp would be better and not worse. I am sure that they took his bp when he was sick but that’s not always accurate. Also, if it were borderline then they might just blame it on not feeling well as he was quite sick.

 

[MJJean]

The thing is, he’s lost a lot of weight recently as he’s started running again. So I would think his bp would be better and not worse. I am sure that they took his bp when he was sick but that’s not always accurate. Also, if it were borderline then they might just blame it on not feeling well as he was quite sick.

Weight and blood pressure can be related, but aren’t necessarily related. My blood pressure is presumably related to my weight as I have lost weight and the blood pressure has become consistently lower to the point where my medication dosage was halved. My mother, on the other hand, was very trim and had high blood pressure which contributed to her early death.

Weight gain and loss can also cause hormone imbalances. If his weight loss was close to the loss of libido it could be hormone related.

I hate to mention it, but since it seems to be a sudden change around June do you think there is a chance he met someone? Not even that he is having an affair, but that he met a woman with a career that he is very attracted to and is unfavorably comparing you to, thus poisoning his feelings toward you?

 

[Xantippe]

“He said that the last straw was related to sex. He realized that I wasn’t enjoying it and suddenly wondered where all the passion has gone. I was 5 months postpartum at the time and just not back into the groove of things yet. I wasn’t sure what to make of this because I always assumed that marriage would go through stages where we weren’t crazy passionately in love. I guess I was too complacent. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. He felt (and maybe still feels) that I didn’t love him because I didn’t want sex. He says that he believes that I love him now but he didn’t always feel loved.”

Gee whiz.

Can you show him an article or two about women, hormones and female desire? He seems really uninformed about the relationship between hormones, physical and emotional well-being and sexual desire. It’s totally normal for women to not be interested in sex when pregnant or premenopausal. In fact, it’s normal for women to kind of forget that they have a husband at all when they have little babies. (Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriend’s Guide to the First Year has a whole chapter on sex and new motherhood that your husband may find informative.)

 

[bernadettefaith]

Weight and blood pressure can be related, but aren’t necessarily related. My blood pressure is presumably related to my weight as I have lost weight and the blood pressure has become consistently lower to the point where my medication dosage was halved. My mother, on the other hand, was very trim and had high blood pressure which contributed to her early death.

Weight gain and loss can also cause hormone imbalances. If his weight loss was close to the loss of libido it could be hormone related.

I hate to mention it, but since it seems to be a sudden change around June do you think there is a chance he met someone? Not even that he is having an affair, but that he met a woman with a career that he is very attracted to and is unfavorably comparing you to, thus poisoning his feelings toward you?

I don’t know for a fact but I don’t believe so. He only works with men (only female is a lesbian). He had a female friend who moved away. She didn’t have a high power career and he swears there was no attraction there. He’s sworn so many times that there’s nobody else that he’s the least bit attracted to. He chats with an online group of men about guns all the time. But there are no women there and he does this out in the open, not trying to hide anything.

I really thought that there had to be someone else for a while at first. But now I’m really convinced that’s not the case. I’ve asked a few times and he maintains that there were no crushes or attractions at all.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m betting on this being a problem with his physical and/or mental well-being, and he’s having trouble coping with the fact that there might be something wrong with him.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I’m betting on this being a problem with his physical and/or mental well-being, and he’s having trouble coping with the fact that there might be something wrong with him.

That’s the same conclusion that others I’ve confided in have said.

I’m sure that there’s depression there but I’m not sure what came first - like the chicken or the egg. I’m sure that anger and resentment toward me is one factor but there’s probably more to it. He has a lot of regrets - that he married me and that his own career isn’t everything he wanted. He loves the field but believes his current position isn’t his ideal.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“He has a lot of regrets - that he married me and that his own career isn’t everything he wanted. He loves the field but believes his current position isn’t his ideal.”

Don’t beat up on yourself, but keep doing the right thing.

 

[Julianna]

When he says he’s not interested in sex because he is not interested in you…why would you accept that? He lost interest in you because he said you got “angry”… and that is in the past now. But all this came about in June. He’s under 30 …doesn’t sound like health issues. …other than he feels like he is or has been controlled in his life and never felt he has a say in anything…and now apathy has set in and he just wants to “drop out”…of everything. In otherwords he needs space and wants to come up for air. Do you all ever go out with his coworkers and their wivez or have them over for a cookout or something? Are one of hiz fellow coworkers a buddy, friend someone he hangs out with. …like football game at Sports Bar or stadium game? Does he have any outside interests…or is it work…dinner and to bed to hop on the merry-go-round the next day?

 

[bernadettefaith]

When he says he’s not interested in sex because he is not interested in you…why would you accept that? He lost interest in you because he said you got “angry”… and that is in the past now. But all this came about in June. He’s under 30 …doesn’t sound like health issues. …other than he feels like he is or has been controlled in his life and never felt he has a say in anything…and now apathy has set in and he just wants to “drop out”…of everything. In otherwords he needs space and wants to come up for air. Do you all ever go out with his coworkers and their wivez or have them over for a cookout or something? Are one of hiz fellow coworkers a buddy, friend someone he hangs out with. …like football game at Sports Bar or stadium game? Does he have any outside interests…or is it work…dinner and to bed to hop on the merry-go-round the next day?

He’s not into sports much, other than hockey. We’ve gone to a restaurant to watch the hockey game on tv and he loves that. He would love to go to a hockey game at some point and I’ve considered that as a birthday gift before - good tickets run around $200 each plus a hotel overnight. He’s really into firearms and went on a trip to shoot with some buddies he met online. Going to the range makes him very happy and I’ve gone with him once. It’s kind of fun though I don’t have much experience quite yet.

He doesn’t care to entertain at our house as it’s very small but we’ve gone to co-workers get togetherness before. The problem is getting together when everyone is off because they all work rotating shifts. Usually there’s a party or two on a holiday but we either have plans with family or he’s working. We usually go to at least 3-4 get togethers a year.

He signs up for jobs that he considers to be fun. For example, during road construction he can sit along side the road while sitting in his car catching up on movies on his iPad (this is totally permitted). Or he will work campus security and as long as it’s slow he gets to catch up with buddies there. Other overtime just comes up during his shift. In his line of work, quitting time can come very late if he gets a late call. Or he needs to do paperwork and investigations. A lot of this is inevitable and the rest is stuff that he chooses to do. He doesn’t want to turn down those chances and he will get assigned to them if he doesn’t sign up.

He hasn’t mentioned anything about not having control in life. I suppose anything is possible though - since he doesn’t know why he’s still angry. He specifically told the counselor that he didn’t think that was an issue. I don’t force him to do anything. I do ask him to attend mass with the family but have never said he had to. I encourage him to work less but then he ends up getting assigned to extra work so he’d prefer to volunteer so he can get the best assignment.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Here’s a few situations that have upset him. I may have mentioned some earlier so bear with me

• He wishes he had partied more and enjoyed life in college and as a young adult. He spent a lot of time with me when we were dating and we sometimes went to friends’ parties but they were usually alcohol event and we weren’t ok with drinking under age 21. I don’t feel the same way but I guess he wished that he could have done the wild party days back then. He says that he definitely doesn’t want to get involved with that kind of stuff now. He enjoys attending the occasional party but now that he has the kids he’d rather spend time with them.
• He regrets not dating other women before settling down.
• He wishes that we would have lived together before marriage so he could have a “trial of marriage” before he committed. I was not comfortable with this, even if we were just going to stay in the same house and not have sex. He would also have wanted to have sex before marriage - I think because he wanted to have a good time before we settled down with kids. Though there’s no guarantee that a baby wouldn’t have come before marriage if we chose that path. Our families would have strongly disapproved of cohabitation and my Catholic school job was not ok with it either.
• He wishes we would have waited longer before having our first baby. Ok, I can see that too. I have a family history of medical problems and my mom had a hysterectomy at a young age. My dr said not to wait. I didn’t feel we had a grave reason to use NFP. However, I see now that we were not at all ready for an baby the first year of marriage. I didn’t end up pregnant until a week after our first anniversary at which time we were a bit more settled in. He wasn’t crazy about the stress of trying for a baby and I was starting to get antsy after it took longer than 6 months. Maybe waiting another year would have helped us as then we would have almost 3 years of marriage before a baby rather than almost 2. Not much I can do now though!
• He wanted to move the family across the country at one point for a job opportunity. This job had similar pay and the benefits were not as good. I was not really comfortable with being so far from our families and told him that. We’ve needed family support as emergency babysitters and we were trying for a baby at the time. Maybe I am at fault there but I just wasn’t ok with such a big move. I would understand if he could find work close to family but he already had a similar job. We looked into more info on the opportunity but it just didn’t seem like a good enough opportunity to sell our home for. We had only been here for 5 years at the time and didn’t want to lose money by having to sell in a hurry. Right now the local market is so much better that we could sell our house and profit well. He’s no longer interested in moving. I was probably wrong to deny him that but I wouldn’t move the family without his blessing either. I think both partners need to be ok with something like that.

Wow, I just wrote a book. I guess these could be situations where he felt controlled or has regrets. But they are also all things we can’t change.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“- He wishes we would have waited longer before having our first baby. Ok, I can see that too. I have a family history of medical problems and my mom had a hysterectomy at a young age. My dr said not to wait.”

That’s a really good reason not to wait.

If you had waited and then been unable to have children at all, you might be the resentful one right now. Scratch that–I think you would be very resentful, and not unreasonably so.

“I didn’t feel we had a grave reason to use NFP. However, I see now that we were not at all ready for an baby the first year of marriage. I didn’t end up pregnant until a week after our first anniversary at which time we were a bit more settled in. He wasn’t crazy about the stress of trying for a baby and I was starting to get antsy after it took longer than 6 months. Maybe waiting another year would have helped us as then we would have almost 3 years of marriage before a baby rather than almost 2. Not much I can do now though!”

2 years versus 3 does not sound like a big deal to me. You had a whole year of being married, but not being pregnant and then the better part of a year of married and pregnant. A lot of people get pregnant almost instantly after getting married. (I don’t think that’s ideal, either, actually, but plenty of people do it and live happily ever after.)

My husband and I had been married 3 years before I got pregnant and we had a REALLY good time as newlyweds, and it didn’t make it any easier to be young parents, particularly not parents of a toddler and an infant.

“- He wishes that we would have lived together before marriage so he could have a “trial of marriage” before he committed.”

It’s not a trial of marriage if you’re not married. Marriage is not a frozen yogurt place–they don’t hand out samples.

It sounds like your husband has been busy rewriting your entire past.

“- He wanted to move the family across the country at one point for a job opportunity. This job had similar pay and the benefits were not as good. I was not really comfortable with being so far from our families and told him that. We’ve needed family support as emergency babysitters and we were trying for a baby at the time. Maybe I am at fault there but I just wasn’t ok with such a big move. I would understand if he could find work close to family but he already had a similar job. We looked into more info on the opportunity but it just didn’t seem like a good enough opportunity to sell our home for. We had only been here for 5 years at the time and didn’t want to lose money by having to sell in a hurry. Right now the local market is so much better that we could sell our house and profit well. He’s no longer interested in moving. I was probably wrong to deny him that but I wouldn’t move the family without his blessing either. I think both partners need to be ok with something like that.”

I personally would have been more open to a move, but I think your position was totally defensible, as there was little upside and a lot of downside to that relocation. If you’d had pregnancy complications or health problems, it would have been terrible for both of you. However, if the pay had been substantially better, I would have encouraged it, if just as an adventure.

From what you’ve said, your husband sounds like he doesn’t want anything. That’s kind of depressive sounding. It sounds like he’s in a rut. You know you’re not in a good place when the highlight of your week is getting to sit in your cruiser and watch movies at a construction site.

On the bright side, I really don’t think he’s having an affair.

 

[Xantippe]

In consultation with your counselor, I would suggest providing your husband with enjoyable new experiences and giving him stuff to look forward to (i.e. if you do the hockey thing, don’t do it as a surprise–let him look forward to it).

 

[bernadettefaith]

I agree about the affair. Knowing him, if he had someone else in mind he would have taken off first and then started a relationship.

The watching movies thing sounds normal for him. He’s a movie buff and doesn’t get a chance to watch movies that aren’t kid appropriate at home as he’s usually sleeping when they sleep or working midnight.

Oh and I did have complicated pregnancies that ended fairly dramatically (thankfully full terms and healthy in the end). That was the main reason I wanted help nearby. If the job had a better pay I would’ve felt better about it. I do regret that one in a way because it might have made life a little more interesting for us - we’re still just 45 min from our hometown. Can’t really do anything now though. He feels he’s too far into this job to make leaving worthwhile. He didn’t actually have an offer at the other job though so it might not have worked out in the end anyway.

 

[Julianna]

He’s not into sports much, other than hockey. We’ve gone to a restaurant to watch the hockey game on tv and he loves that. He would love to go to a hockey game at some point and I’ve considered that as a birthday gift before - good tickets run around $200 each plus a hotel overnight. He’s really into firearms and went on a trip to shoot with some buddies he met online. Going to the range makes him very happy and I’ve gone with him once. It’s kind of fun though I don’t have much experience quite yet. I was referring going a hockey game with a “group” of couples./COLOR]

He doesn’t care to entertain at our house as it’s very small but we’ve gone to co-workers get togetherness before. The problem is getting together when everyone is off because they all work rotating shifts. Usually there’s a party or two on a holiday but we either have plans with family or he’s working. We usually go to at least 3-4 get togethers a year.My husband and I first home was a 900 sq ft Cape Cod, a rental. We had our son and our daughter was on the way…yet we managed to have 2 couples and sometimes more over on a regular basis, especially during the summer. It was grilling out, or in the winter, everyone brought a covered dish. We were in our 20’s and poor after all. Our "families’ parties were “scheduled”…Christmas Eve, Christmas day…we had the rest of the 3 weekends in December to get together with friends, co workers…etc. I’m sure at your husbands workplace there is some kind of party during the holidays…especially in law enforcement…even if it is as the Precinct…you would get to meet other wives and coworkers…you know “socialize”.

He signs up for jobs that he considers to be fun. For example, during road construction he can sit along side the road while sitting in his car catching up on movies on his iPad (this is totally permitted). Or he will work campus security and as long as it’s slow he gets to catch up with buddies there. Other overtime just comes up during his shift. In his line of work, quitting time can come very late if he gets a late call. Or he needs to do paperwork and investigations. A lot of this is inevitable and the rest is stuff that he chooses to do. He doesn’t want to turn down those chances and he will get assigned to them if he doesn’t sign up.

He hasn’t mentioned anything about not having control in life. I suppose anything is possible though - since he doesn’t know why he’s still angry. He specifically told the counselor that he didn’t think that was an issue. I don’t force him to do anything. I do ask him to attend mass with the family but have never said he had to. I encourage him to work less but then he ends up getting assigned to extra work so he’d prefer to** volunteer **so he can get the best assignment.

I don’t get this,…volunteer as in no pay? He should be home with you and the kids.

Do you get together with your girlfriends and their husbands…3 or 4 times a year is nothing…and to me very claustrophobic. Perhaps if you all got out with other couples, had some fun with other “adults”…he may find his way back to you. Sounds like he is board to tears…if he would rather spend an evening in a squad car on a laptop than out with you and a group of other couples having some fun.

 

[Julianna]

Here’s a few situations that have upset him. I may have mentioned some earlier so bear with me

• He wishes he had partied more and enjoyed life in college and as a young adult. He spent a lot of time with me when we were dating and we sometimes went to friends’ parties but they were usually alcohol event and we weren’t ok with drinking under age 21. I don’t feel the same way but I guess he wished that he could have done the wild party days back then. He says that he definitely doesn’t want to get involved with that kind of stuff now. He enjoys attending the occasional party but now that he has the kids he’d rather spend time with them.So you all didn’t have a group that you hung around with in college? Having a glass of wine or a beer in college isn’t going to turn you into an alcoholic.
• He regrets not dating other women before settling down. I’m sure he does. Claustrophobic…again.
• He wishes that we would have lived together before marriage so he could have a “trial of marriage” before he committed. I was not comfortable with this, even if we were just going to stay in the same house and not have sex. He would also have wanted to have sex before marriage - I think because he wanted to have a good time before we settled down with kids. Though there’s no guarantee that a baby wouldn’t have come before marriage if we chose that path. Our families would have strongly disapproved of cohabitation and my Catholic school job was not ok with it either.Living together could go either way. My DH and I lived together 3 yrs before we got married. Yes, in the Catholic Church, and yes, the Priest knew we were living together. You can’t stay in the same house and not have sex…it’s going to happen. I was 21 and my husband was 22 when we lived together, we both worked paid our own bills and though our parents didn’t care for it…it was ours to choose. (his parents lived in another state) I can see the Catholic School not going with that.
• He wishes we would have waited longer before having our first baby. Ok, I can see that too. I have a family history of medical problems and my mom had a hysterectomy at a young age. My dr said not to wait. I didn’t feel we had a grave reason to use NFP. However, I see now that we were not at all ready for an baby the first year of marriage. I didn’t end up pregnant until a week after our first anniversary at which time we were a bit more settled in. He wasn’t crazy about the stress of trying for a baby and I was starting to get antsy after it took longer than 6 months. Maybe waiting another year would have helped us as then we would have almost 3 years of marriage before a baby rather than almost 2. Not much I can do now though!We waited 2 yrs after we got married to have children. I had a hysterectomy at 31. So after number 2, at age 27 we were done.
• He wanted to move the family across the country at one point for a job opportunity. This job had similar pay and the benefits were not as good. I was not really comfortable with being so far from our families and told him that. We’ve needed family support as emergency babysitters and we were trying for a baby at the time. Maybe I am at fault there but I just wasn’t ok with such a big move. I would understand if he could find work close to family but he already had a similar job. We looked into more info on the opportunity but it just didn’t seem like a good enough opportunity to sell our home for. We had only been here for 5 years at the time and didn’t want to lose money by having to sell in a hurry. Right now the local market is so much better that we could sell our house and profit well. He’s no longer interested in moving. I was probably wrong to deny him that but I wouldn’t move the family without his blessing either. I think both partners need to be ok with something like that.I would have moved. You said yourself your parents weren’t crazy about babysitting and this was an opportunity for your husband, he was the one you married. Any Doctor or hospital in this country is equipped to handle risk pregnancies.And you could have found work as well. You may have been trying for a baby…but it sure sounds like he wasn’t ready for it.

Wow, I just wrote a book. I guess these could be situations where he felt controlled or has regrets. But they are also all things we can’t change.

No book, and no problem. You all need some space. It appears from this armchair quarterback that you all need some air. Socialize more…

Don’t make excuses…plan…plan plan. He has a crazy schedule…yes, just say,“Hey I really had a good time with Phil and Sherri (the guy he works with and wife)…why don’t you ask Phil if we can get together some weekend night at ABC Steak and Brew or maybe have a “movie night” here at the house or their house?”

 

[bernadettefaith]

I don’t get this,…volunteer as in no pay? He should be home with you and the kids.

Do you get together with your girlfriends and their husbands…3 or 4 times a year is nothing…and to me very claustrophobic. Perhaps if you all got out with other couples, had some fun with other “adults”…he may find his way back to you. Sounds like he is board to tears…if he would rather spend an evening in a squad car on a laptop than out with you and a group of other couples having some fun.

By volunteer I mean volunteer to work overtime for pay vs be assigned to overtime. Hope that makes sense

The counselor asks him if he wants to go out and have fun and he always says that’s not it

We mostly have used his days off to ourselves or visited family. Yes, I suppose we sound like loners . We’ve been together for 13 years and maybe have gone out in a group a handful of times. I really don’t remember. Our “date nights” were always just the two of us.
It’s hard to find another couple who has the same night off anyway.

I don’t have a ton of close girlfriends and he doesn’t seem to have guy friends that he sees much outside of work. We’ve both had fun at the parties we’ve gone to but I don’t know that he gets invited often. Out of our friends, we mostly just get invited to kid’s birthday parties or other kid related events if that counts. We usually go to more social events if you count family friendly stuff…wasn’t sure how that fits in.

I don’t know honestly. When we were dating he was such an introvert that he didn’t enjoy going out with other couples. Now he’s more of an extrovert but doesn’t seem to get invited to a ton of parties (or there maybe aren’t that many parties)?

I’m a little leery of hosting an party in my home involving alcohol (and that’s what’s expected). I have a lot of fear about serving alcohol to someone who will drive drunk.

 

[bernadettefaith]

No book, and no problem. You all need some space. It appears from this armchair quarterback that you all need some air. Socialize more…

Don’t make excuses…plan…plan plan. He has a crazy schedule…yes, just say,“Hey I really had a good time with Phil and Sherri (the guy he works with and wife)…why don’t you ask Phil if we can get together some weekend night at ABC Steak and Brew or maybe have a “movie night” here at the house or their house?”

Neither of us had a group of friends that we hung out with in college. We went to different schools so we had totally different friends. I commuted an hr away and most of my classmates were quite a bit older and had families. I didn’t really have much in common with them at the time. We did have some friends that we had made through work. We went to some of their parties but didn’t drink any alcohol. I was terrified of getting in trouble for drinking underage - maybe a bit of a party pooper.

I almost do believe that we could have been living together and still abstained from sex. We’re doing it now quite well lol. Seriously though, he suggests now that we might have been able to make that arrangement. I’m not so sure. Anyway, he didn’t mention luck together as an option even back then so I don’t think I can be blamed for that. Ok,
I probably would have said no anyway so maybe he’s right.

Oh and as far as babysitting, my parents love babysitting but live 45 min away.
They can come in an emergency and do date nights but can’t come every day while I work.
They just don’t do overnights with a baby who doesn’t drink from a bottle.

He was the one who wanted to have a baby at that time! I was still pretty hesitant but was ok with pregnancy if it happened. We didn’t get pregnant for another year though.