Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Julianna]

By volunteer I mean volunteer to work overtime for pay vs be assigned to overtime. Hope that makes sense
Got it.
The counselor asks him if he wants to go out and have fun and he always says that’s not it That not be “it”, however…it would give you both time to chillax.

We mostly have used his days off to ourselves or visited family.If his days off are just spent with you and he doesn’t want to be with you…that doesn’t make any sense. Yes, I suppose we sound like loners . We’ve been together for 13 years and maybe have gone out in a group a handful of times. I really don’t remember. Our “date nights” were always just the two of us.Date night is one out of 7 nights. And gatherings with friends can be on a Sunday afternoon after Mass.
It’s hard to find another couple who has the same night off anyway.That is why I suggested one of his co workers…who works the same rotation as he does.

I don’t have a ton of close girlfriends and he doesn’t seem to have guy friends that he sees much outside of work. I don’t either…I have a guy friend who is my best friend…and he and his wife and my husband hang out all the time. You said you go to Mom morning out groups and other kid events…what about chatting up of one of the other moms in the group…have her over for coffee and bring the little ones to play with yours.We’ve both had fun at the parties we’ve gone to but I don’t know that he gets invited often. **How about your friends, they don’t have to be close…say, "Mike and Jill (from my moms play group) invited us and the kids over for a (fill in the blank)…3 weekends from now…do you think you could clear your schedule for us to attend? Cops always sub for other cops in situations like this…“you take my shift and I’ll take yours next week”…kinda thing.**Out of our friends, we mostly just get invited to kid’s birthday parties or other kid related events if that counts. We usually go to more social events if you count family friendly stuff…wasn’t sure how that fits in. Social events with other families…not just your own that you are friends with.

I don’t know honestly. When we were dating he was such an introvert that he didn’t enjoy going out with other couples. Now he’s more of an extrovert but doesn’t seem to get invited to a ton of parties (or there maybe aren’t that many parties)?Maybe there are and he thinks you are not interested based on your college days.

I’m a little leery of hosting an party in my home involving alcohol (and that’s what’s expected). I have a lot of fear about serving alcohol to someone who will drive drunk.

All of my parties are BYOB and as we get “older”…lol lol…its wine and beer and it’s always BYOB and that ends the liability…I didn’t “serve” them, they brought it. So that excuse should now be out the window. And do you really have to have alcohol? I have been to a many a Baptist friends home and had just as good a time with a glass of sweet tea.

 

[bernadettefaith]

All of my parties are BYOB and as we get “older”…lol lol…its wine and beer and it’s always BYOB and that ends the liability…I didn’t “serve” them, they brought it. So that excuse should now be out the window. And do you really have to have alcohol? I have been to a many a Baptist friends home and had just as good a time with a glass of sweet tea.

I’m sure he’d be embarrassed to invite his guy friends over and not serve them alcohol. Of the guy friends he has, I’ve never seen many of the sober lol. I do know most of his coworkers and wives but aren’t good friends.

I have friends who are moms but they rarely invite us over other than birthday parties or kid events. I guess if you count kid things and not just couple or adult things we probably do something once a month? He’s not always involved since he works weekends and that’s when most birthday parties. I guess we should try having a party but I’m not sure he’s on board.

Now you’ve got me craving sweet tea

 

[Julianna]

Neither of us had a group of friends that we hung out with in college. We went to different schools so we had totally different friends. I commuted an hr away and most of my classmates were quite a bit older and had families. I didn’t really have much in common with them at the time. We did have some friends that we had made through work. We went to some of their parties but didn’t drink any alcohol. I was terrified of getting in trouble for drinking underage - maybe a bit of a party pooper.You’re over 21 now, right…so what’s stopping you from socializing with other young families. Answer: you are because you keep making excuses why you can’t. Ask your husband if he would be interested in getting together with one of the fellas and his wife at work some night. Adult night…really…get out of the house or invite people in…you all are suffocating each other.

I almost do believe that we could have been living together and still abstained from sex. **doubful. If there was love there, attraction there will be sex, don’t kid yourself.**We’re doing it now quite well lol. Seriously though, he suggests now that we might have been able to make that arrangement. I’m not so sure. **No you would not have been able to make that arrangement, because you were afraid of what your parents…friends…siblings…thought. If your parents were paying your room and board while in college and feeding you because you commuted to school…and you were not working while in college…your parents had you in their grip financially…so you would not have been able to move in with your now husband before marriage.**Anyway, he didn’t mention luck together as an option even back then so I don’t think I can be blamed for that. Ok,
I probably would have said no anyway so maybe he’s right.

Oh and as far as babysitting, my parents love babysitting but live 45 min away.
They can come in an emergency and do date nights but can’t come every day while I work.When I taught CCD to middle school kids and high school kids we had a Babysitting course right there at the Parish…and the bulletin had ads in it for babysitters. There is your babysitter for a night out with your friends.

They just don’t do overnights with a baby who doesn’t drink from a bottle.I breastfed too…but also used a breast pump…so I could have some “me and DH” time out…without feeling like the walls were closing in on me.

He was the one who wanted to have a baby at that time! **Of course he did because you told him that the Dr said your time was limited…I would have got a second opinion…and that is what he thought you wanted…or that was expected.**I was still pretty hesitant but was ok with pregnancy if it happened. We didn’t get pregnant for another year though.

I am really perplexed on how folks here and I’m sure your therapist give you ideas…and right away you poo-poo those ideas. If “HE” wants to save his marriage, he will arrange his schedule to make it happen. If I were the therapist, I would point blank ask him…
“Do you want to be in this marriage, or are you just going through the motions…not to upset the applecart, so you can say, “well I tried”.”

I would still look heavily into finding ways to get some “income” for you. As my mother said to my sister and I, “I don’t care if you get a job in a pie factory tasting pies,…learn how to do something…learn a skill, go school…do something that gives you a financial back up.”

Look, no one ever goes into a marriage thinking it will fail. A back up plan, especially for women is key. Unless you want to be living in the Blue Moon Trailer Park on Rte. 66 with two kids…you need to get in gear and start planning something. Just in case. Otherwise you will be back living with your parents.

You are right, there is no way he can set up two households and pay all the bills…the house you are in would have to be sold. He sounds “bored”… it’s like going on a merry go round and around…nothing changes…no friends, no outside interests…and this is both of you. Same ol, same ol…

Have you ever thought of showing him what the folks here have written or your therapist?

 

[Julianna]

I’m sure he’d be embarrassed to invite his guy friends over and not serve them alcohol. Of the guy friends he has, I’ve never seen many of the sober lol. I do know most of his coworkers and wives but aren’t good friends.

I have friends who are moms but they rarely invite us over other than birthday parties or kid events. I guess if you count kid things and not just couple or adult things we probably do something once a month? He’s not always involved since he works weekends and that’s when most birthday parties. I guess we should try having a party but I’m not sure he’s on board.

Now you’ve got me craving sweet tea

Your party, you set the limits. Come on, but bring your alcohol or cooler. Put on the back deck and take it with you when you leave. If you can’t drive…someone will take you home. You can’t be friends with someone’s wife if you don’t chat her up… Don’t have to be close friends like Betty and Wilma…just a group of friends getting together every once in awhile.

I’m sure with rotating shifts, some of the weekends rotate off, where he has a weekend night where a group of you can go out.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I am really perplexed on how folks here and I’m sure your therapist give you ideas…and right away you poo-poo those ideas. If “HE” wants to save his marriage, he will arrange his schedule to make it happen. If I were the therapist, I would point blank ask him…
“Do you want to be in this marriage, or are you just going through
the motions…not to upset the applecart, so you can say, “well I tried”.”

I would still look heavily into finding ways to get some “income” for you. As my mother said to my sister and I, “I don’t care if you get a job in a pie factory tasting pies,…learn how to do something…learn a skill, go school…do something that gives you a financial back up.”

Look, no one ever goes into a marriage thinking it will fail. A back up plan, especially for women is key. Unless you want to be living in the Blue Moon Trailer Park on Rte. 66 with two kids…you need to get in gear and start planning something. Just in case. Otherwise you will be back living with your parents.

You are right, there is no way he can set up two households and pay all the bills…the house you are in would have to be sold. He sounds “bored”… it’s like going on a merry go round and around…nothing changes…no friends, no outside interests…and this is both of you. Same ol, same ol…

Have you ever thought of showing him what the folks here have written or your therapist?

I never said that I didn’t work in college. I worked throughout college - part time. Not enough income to move in together but the main issue was that I wasn’t ok with premarital sex.

I do pump so that we can have nights out together. We usually go out together after counseling. The baby doesn’t drink much though so we can’t really do overnight.

The therapist only tells me to give him space physically (which I’ve been doing) and to have fun together. He’s the one who says that he doesn’t have fun when he’s with me. We’re going shopping out of town tomorrow so at least it will be a change of scenery.

I’ve told him most of the ideas I’ve gotten online and he is the one who says “that doesn’t work.” I can’t really invite his friends over myself. He has to agree to ask them. I cannot do anything if he doesn’t want to go places with his or my friends.

He does have outside interests if you count running and firearms. He can chat with friends about guns forever and loves to have shooting get togethers.

I get together with friends at least once a week but it usually is while he’s at work. I don’t know, maybe it would be good to involve him? He’s usually not comfortable unless the other dads are invited. My friends usually don’t want to hang out during their “family time” so we hang out while the dads are working.

Oh and the baby thing - this was our second. He was a bit more into trying for a second baby than I was. The first one was the one the dr said to hurry up and have.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Well now that I think about it, we do have a couple that both of us are friends with. That could work for a night out, even if it involves kids. Dh might be into that because he actually likes her husband. He gives me a hard time about social events sometimes.

I’m most likely starting the masters degree program next fall.
It might take a few years to finish but after that I can have a chance at getting a job that pays a living wage.

 

[Xantippe]

Kids’ parties totally count as socializing. Potlucks are great, too. (Which solves the alcohol problem.)

I think it is up to you to introduce some variety and some interest into your husband’s life. He sounds like he’s in an awful rut. A lot of his complaints boil down to his regrets that he isn’t a different person or that he wasn’t a different person in college. He may be wishing for another woman largely because he’d like a different life and he doesn’t know how to go about getting one/is too depressed to go about making one. None of that is your fault, but you may be able to do something about it.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“My friends usually don’t want to hang out during their “family time” so we hang out while the dads are working.”

Potluck! I would try to start a monthly one with the families from work. My husband’s work has one and it’s the highlight of the month. Everybody brings their babies and we have a blast.

“He gives me a hard time about social events sometimes.”

If you don’t do more than one a week, I don’t think it’s too much. Twice a month (including the birthday party) would be fine. You might need to trim down extended family socializing to fit in friends without overdoing it.

 

[mdgspencer]

You should pray much, if you aren’t already.

 

[Julianna]

bernadettefaith said:

“My friends usually don’t want to hang out during their “family time” so we hang out while the dads are working.”

Potluck! I would try to start a monthly one with the families from work. My husband’s work has one and it’s the highlight of the month. Everybody brings their babies and we have a blast.

“He gives me a hard time about social events sometimes.”

If you don’t do more than one a week, I don’t think it’s too much. Twice a month (including the birthday party) would be fine. You might need to trim dowvn extended family socializing to fit in friends without overdoing it.

Love it! Back in our baby days all we could afford were potlucks and cookouts in the summer.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“My friends usually don’t want to hang out during their “family time” so we hang out while the dads are working.”

Potluck! I would try to start a monthly one with the families from work. My husband’s work has one and it’s the highlight of the month. Everybody brings their babies and we have a blast.

“He gives me a hard time about social events sometimes.”

If you don’t do more than one a week, I don’t think it’s too much. Twice a month (including the birthday party) would be fine. You might need to trim down extended family socializing to fit in friends without overdoing it.

Yeah I guess the socializing just doesn’t usually involve him or the other husbands.

I just suggested having a party here and he totally shot it down. He says it’s too crowded, would be too much cleaning, and so on.

 

[Julianna]

Yeah I guess the socializing just doesn’t usually involve him or the other husbands.

I just suggested having a party here and he totally shot it down. He says it’s too crowded, would be too much cleaning, and so on.

And that was how long ago? Not a party…a get together…the house is small…not much cleaning…and as tbe hostess…you can handle that…no more tban 3 couples including yourselves.

Head him off at tbe pass…so tbere are no excuses…sounds like tbe botb of you have a boatload of excuses.

 

[bernadettefaith]

And that was how long ago? Not a party…a get together…the house is small…not much cleaning…and as tbe hostess…you can handle that…no more tban 3 couples including yourselves.

Head him off at tbe pass…so tbere are no excuses…sounds like tbe botb of you have a boatload of excuses.

I just now asked…about 10 minutes ago.

 

[Julianna]

I just now asked…about 10 minutes ago.

Timing my dear…it’s all in the timing.

 

[Xantippe]

“I just suggested having a party here and he totally shot it down. He says it’s too crowded, would be too much cleaning, and so on.”

Holy cow! For a guy who goes on and on about wishing he had partied harder in college, he’s not much of a party animal, is he?

I’m having so much trouble squaring the guy with all these regrets about missing out on the college experience with the guy you’re talking about who can barely be persuaded to leave his house or have anybody over.

You can probably manage one big cookout/potluck before it gets too cold. That takes care of the crowding issue (since it will largely be outside), you’ll pay off your social debts, and then you can go to other people’s parties. One solid hour of house cleaning will probably do the job (kitchen, guest bath, living room). If people like you, they will forgive you a little grime.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Sorry if it sounds like I’m just full of excuses. Maybe I am and I do need to try harder. I will certainly try to get more of a social life, even if I can’t convince him to tag along. The only thing I do not budge on is working right now. I’m not putting 2 kids in daycare unless I have no options. He doesn’t want them to go to daycare either. He doesn’t want me to work in a daycare or minimum wage job. He wants me to get a master’s degree and get a full time job that actually pays money. That I’m planning on doing. Too late to apply for the program this school year but I can certainly start next year.

I can suggest that he get together with friends until I’m blue in the face but he’s not having it right now. I’ll keep trying.

We do get a babysitter weekly and spend time with just the two of us. Until he’s willing to include others in group dates, that’s the best I can do.

 

[bernadettefaith]

“I just suggested having a party here and he totally shot it down. He says it’s too crowded, would be too much cleaning, and so on.”

Holy cow! For a guy who goes on and on about wishing he had partied harder in college, he’s not much of a party animal, is he?

I’m having so much trouble squaring the guy with all these regrets about missing out on the college experience with the guy you’re talking about who can barely be persuaded to leave his house or have anybody over.

You can probably manage one big cookout/potluck before it gets too cold. That takes care of the crowding issue (since it will largely be outside), you’ll pay off your social debts, and then you can go to other people’s parties. One solid hour of house cleaning will probably do the job (kitchen, guest bath, living room). If people like you, they will forgive you a little grime.

He wants to go to parties to have fun. He doesn’t want to do the work lol. I don’t think he gets invited to too many parties. He’s usually pretty enthusiastic about going. We haven’t done any of his work parties since July 4th though. We’ve done quite a few birthday parties but that’s it.

I swear, my girl friends usually only have parties when someone is selling something. Those generally don’t involve men.

 

[Julianna]

Sorry if it sounds like I’m just full of excuses. Maybe I am and I do need to try harder. I will certainly try to get more of a social life, even if I can’t convince him to tag along. The only thing I do not budge on is working right now. I’m not putting 2 kids in daycare unless I have no options. He doesn’t want them to go to daycare either. He doesn’t want me to work in a daycare or minimum wage job. He wants me to get a master’s degree and get a full time job that actually pays money. That I’m planning on doing. Too late to apply for the program this school year but I can certainly start next year.

I can suggest that he get together with friends until I’m blue in the face but he’s not having it right now. I’ll keep trying.

We do get a babysitter weekly and spend time with just the two of us. Until he’s willing to include others in group dates, that’s the best I can do.

Your timing is off. Have you shared these posts with him?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Your timing is off. Have you shared these posts with him?

I tell him general suggestions. He makes excuses or just ignores it. Maybe he just doesn’t want to go out with me? He’s not going to any parties by himself either. He loves seeing the kids and he wants to spend every moment that he’s not working with them.

I think he’s also embarrassed by our house. We have a very small,
plain home with the tiniest yard. His friends that have the parties generally have no kids and bigger, fancier homes. I don’t know - that’s totally just a guess. He doesn’t have an excuse about meeting at a restaurant though!

 

[bernadettefaith]

Oh and I wonder if he really wants to be sociable or if he just wishes that he were an extrovert? He lived 2 hrs from me when he was in college and didn’t party when he wasn’t with me. I wasn’t stopping him.