Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Julianna]

He wants to go to parties to have fun. He doesn’t want to do the work lol. I don’t think he gets invited to too many parties. He’s usually pretty enthusiastic about going. We haven’t done any of his work parties since July 4th though. We’ve done quite a few birthday parties but that’s it.

I swear, my girl friends usually only have parties when someone is selling something. Those generally don’t involve men.

Geez louise…what work? Light up the grill, put ice in cooler…wow I’m tired. The only room you have to keep real clean is the bathroom in the summer. In the winter add the kitchen and the family room.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Geez louise…what work? Light up the grill, put ice in cooler…wow I’m tired. The only room you have to keep real clean is the bathroom in the summer. In the winter add the kitchen and the family room.

It would help if we purchased a grill. I’d assume that they would be on clearance sale now that it’s fall.

 

[Julianna]

He wants to go to parties to have fun. He doesn’t want to do the work lol. I don’t think he gets invited to too many parties. He’s usually pretty enthusiastic about going. We haven’t done any of his work parties since July 4th though. We’ve done quite a few birthday parties but that’s it.

I swear, my girl friends usually only have parties when someone is selling something. Those generally don’t involve men.

Oh and steer clear of tbose parties…Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Part Lite, Tastefully Simple, Stampin Up, …waste of time and money.

Friends don’t use their friends for tbeir income…get real job.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“He doesn’t want me to work in a daycare or minimum wage job. He wants me to get a master’s degree and get a full time job that actually pays money.”

That is sensible.

“He wants to go to parties to have fun. He doesn’t want to do the work lol. I don’t think he gets invited to too many parties.”

Have you connected the dots for him? People won’t invite you if you don’t invite them.

Alternately, you could invite another family to the zoo or children’s museum or some other outing.

“I swear, my girl friends usually only have parties when someone is selling something.”

Gah!

“I think he’s also embarrassed by our house.”

Not unlikely.

“Oh and I wonder if he really wants to be sociable or if he just wishes that he were an extrovert?”

Bingo.

 

[bernadettefaith]

You know, his shift usually has a big party every 3 months and they’re due for one in October. I can offer to host. It does have to be an alcohol event but can be byob.

I also want to invite our couple friends over. They really want to do a Bible study with us - Dh won’t have any of that. Maybe I can have them over for pizza and the kids can watch a movie so we can talk. He’s a cop and she’s a sahm so we have tons in common.

 

[Julianna]

He wants to go to parties to have fun. He doesn’t want to do the work lol. I don’t think he gets invited to too many parties. He’s usually pretty enthusiastic about going. We haven’t done any of his work parties since July 4th though. We’ve done quite a few birthday parties but that’s it.

I swear, my girl friends usually only have parties when someone is selling something. Those generally don’t involve men.

What do YOU want to do? You say “he wants me to”. Do you have any say? How about a get together. … party is so “college”

 

[Xantippe]

“I also want to invite our couple friends over. They really want to do a Bible study with us - Dh won’t have any of that. Maybe I can have them over for pizza and the kids can watch a movie so we can talk. He’s a cop and she’s a sahm so we have tons in common.”

They sound great.

Good luck!

 

[Julianna]

He wants to go to parties to have fun. He doesn’t want to do the work lol. I don’t think he gets invited to too many parties. He’s usually pretty enthusiastic about going. We haven’t done any of his work parties since July 4th though. We’ve done quite a few birthday parties but that’s it.

I swear, my girl friends usually only have parties when someone is selling something. Those generally don’t involve men.

What do YOU want to do? You say “he wants me to”. Do you have any say? How about a get together. … party is so “college”

 

[bernadettefaith]

What do YOU want to do? You say “he wants me to”. Do you have any say? How about a get together. … party is so “college”

His friends have parties that could potentially get crazier than a college party. It depends on the friend. Some are more family friendly and some are pretty wild. They’re always a good time and he seems to enjoy it.

I’m not sure what I’d want to do. We don’t do this often so I don’t know what would be fun. With our mutual friends we basically just sit around and talk. I like going to parties - alcohol or not. I would probably prefer going out to a restaurant with friends over a get together at the house if I had to choose.

The friends I’m referring to also know about the relationship issues. They’ve been married for the same amount of time and have 2 kids as well. I would think they would be good mentors for us. They also had a difficult transition after the birth of their second baby.

 

[smadden]

Hi
As a woman going through the same thing after 22 years of marriage,five children and seven grandchildren, the first thing to do is talk to your parish priest.

As mine told me yesterday, you can heal, and some marriages work if BOTH want to work on it. Father suggested marriage counseling, but it will only work if your husband wants it to.
If not, then you need to start looking into the legal resources at your disposal.

This is NOT the end of the world. It does hurt, and will for a while, but you will heal. Keep your chin up, and put the matter in God’s hands.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Hi
As a woman going through the same thing after 22 years of marriage,five children and seven grandchildren, the first thing to do is talk to your parish priest.

As mine told me yesterday, you can heal, and some marriages work if BOTH want to work on it. Father suggested marriage counseling, but it will only work if your husband wants it to.
If not, then you need to start looking into the legal resources at your disposal.

This is NOT the end of the world. It does hurt, and will for a while, but you will heal. Keep your chin up, and put the matter in God’s hands.

We go to marriage counseling and he participates. He’s willing to see her individually as well - I also go individually. He still looks at the relationship negatively but he’s promised not to even consider going anywhere for another year. Then he wants to reevaluate where we are.

I haven’t talked to our priest yet. We’ve talked about it and he’s willing to go with me. He’s pretty embarrassed about telling the priest about this. Maybe we will talk to him in a few months if things don’t get better in counseling.

 

[Julianna]

We go to marriage counseling and he participates. He’s willing to see her individually as well - I also go individually. He still looks at the relationship negatively but he’s promised not to even consider going anywhere for another year. Then he wants to reevaluate where we are.

I haven’t talked to our priest yet. We’ve talked about it and he’s willing to go with me. He’s pretty embarrassed about telling the priest about this. Maybe we will talk to him in a few months if things don’t get better in counseling.

So…if he is true to his word…you basically have 1 year to get a back-up plan in place. Today is a good day to start.

 

[bernadettefaith]

So…if he is true to his word…you basically have 1 year to get a back-up plan in place. Today is a good day to start.

I absolutely have a back up plan. If he’s true to his word, he’s NOT going to be out the door in a year. He really doesn’t want to leave us in a bad place.

Anyway, we have a lot of equity in our home as well as other assets. Our only car would go to me - and he’s willing to fend for himself. I wouldn’t be totally broke, especially if he truly leaves me the majority of our assets. Even with half of our assets, I could absolutely have enough cash for a down payment once I find steady employment. My dad offered to cosign with this house and I’m sure he’d co-sign for a $300 a month mortgage any time. We are in one of the lowest cost of living areas in the nation. My dad insists that housing prices in my area are way inflated compared to where he lives. He knows this because he runs a small town bank and does mortgages. Our mortgage is still extremely low - under $400 a month and it’s a 15 yr.

I don’t think I’d have a hard time getting a job in a Catholic school again. The pay has increased a tad - maybe $18-$20K. My expired license likely wouldn’t be a huge deal in a private school in that state (there’s a loophole…). Or I could work as a teacher’s aide. Or maybe work as a bank teller as I have a lot of cash handling experience (dad runs a bank)…or really I could do just about anything that brings home a paycheck. I have about 5 years experience working in a restaurant as well as experience working in a daycare. Those are not the best choices but could work if needed. Nurse’s aides also make enough to get by and they don’t require training or experience. It’s usually a 2 week class to be certified and the pay is usually decent enough. I’d be able to move closer to family and get free babysitting so daycare cost is no longer an issue like it would be while I’m married. Plus with at least $800 - $1000 a month in child support I’d be able to stay afloat. I’d be likely working at a job I HATED but I’d survive. The free babysitting makes all the difference. I can’t work and shell out $1000 a month for daycare at the same time.

Alternately, I get my teaching certificate back with a few classes and move where ever I need to go to find a full time teaching job. My current certificate is not in a high demand field for my current region but would be in another region. That would require daycare though so it would need to be a very well paying job. I’m also not a fan of being away from family. If the options were move or starve - then I’d absolutely move. He wouldn’t be crazy about being far from his kids but he’s the one choosing to leave. This is probably the less ideal scenario.

So ideally, I get a job that pays $10 an hour or more ($20K a year total) and with a good child support check I can get by. I have a lot of potential options that I can look into if necessary. I’m not going to start working now because the daycare cost would outweigh the salary. If I move, I get free babysitting (mom would love to babysit - she watches my nephew as well) and lower cost of living.

None of these options would provide an especially good life for us…but I guess I could make the best of the circumstances. In my heart, I truly believe that he’s not leaving. Call me a crazy optimist, but I believe he’s truly going to come around some day. I’d never leave the marriage (other than abusive situations) regardless.

 

[bernadettefaith]

^ If for some reason I needed to rent, there are decent rentals for around $400 a month as well. Or I could purchase a trailer with cash and put it on my parents’ property (they have a lot of acreage). Those aren’t the best scenarios but would get us a place to stay. I suppose I have other options for back up as well. I know we will survive without him…but I don’t want to get so prepared for him to leave that I stop fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to keep a balance and maintain the right attitude toward fixing the marriage.

Even if he chooses to leave, he would most likely agree to stick around until my degree is completed. That would only be another year or two. In the meantime, we can keep working on the marriage, even if we’ve tried “everything”. I’ve read that unhappy marriages can become happy with time and miracles are possible. If all else fails, I will have a master’s degree in a high demand field, my baby will be able to start preschool (possibly all day program), and I will have the freedom to move wherever I need to go for a job.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith,

That sounds very well thought out. Very good. It sounds like materially speaking, you have nothing to fear.

Go ahead and do your best to save your relationship with your husband, but at the same time be truthful and stand up for yourself (calmly and kindly). You aren’t perfect, but your husband isn’t either, and you don’t need to be perfect to deserve his fidelity, support and respect.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“but I don’t want to get so prepared for him to leave that I stop fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to keep a balance and maintain the right attitude toward fixing the marriage.”

Yes!

I would argue that in some ways, it’s better to know that losing him would not be a total economic disaster, because it means that you won’t take unlimited amounts of garbage from him without a whimper. That is not saving your marriage.

“I’ve read that unhappy marriages can become happy with time and miracles are possible.”

Yes!

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith,

That sounds very well thought out. Very good. It sounds like materially speaking, you have nothing to fear.

Go ahead and do your best to save your relationship with your husband, but at the same time be truthful and stand up for yourself (calmly and kindly). You aren’t perfect, but your husband isn’t either, and you don’t need to be perfect to deserve his fidelity, support and respect.

Best wishes!

Thanks! I believe that I have his respect, fidelity, and support. His main concern is that he doesn’t have love. We talked about what goes into a healthy marriage during our counselig session and she said “trust, respect, fidelity, not wanting to change each other, no jealousy” and he said that we have all of those things - just no love or sex. I asked for a blank slate and he says that is what he wants to give me. He wants help with forgiveness and he believes that talking to the counselor one on one will help.

I believe that in the end he would suffer more from a divorce than I would. He would do anything to see his kids taken care of and he’d probably work even more hours so that he could survive and help support them. I don’t see how it would help his misery. He wouldn’t have time to date because his days off would be the days he sees his kids. He would hate not seeing them daily. I guess I can’t really worry too much about him. If he wants to leave, he has to deal with the consequences as well.

As of right now, we get along well as friends. In counseling he brings up issues but we don’t discuss the relationship as it’s counterproductive. I’m not going to try changing his mind. He is fine with hanging out with me but doesn’t want to touch me. He did give me a hug first the other day and that was a huge step. He’s also been a bit happier and talked about work (hadn’t done that in forever). He’s showing signs of progress - it’s just moving slow. I’d personally stay in a loveless, sexless marriage over getting a divorce. At least that way there is still hope that we can reconcile. The biggest conflict I think would be after divorce when trying to figure out a custody schedule!

I’ve been standing up for myself but refuse to get angry back if he gets irritated. I pick my battles. I will absolutely argue over an issue that is important to me. I’ve just learned that a lot of it is small stuff and I shouldn’t get worked up over every little thing.

Oh and another job idea - maybe my dad could show me the ropes of the banking business. With some experience and training I could be in line for his job when he retires. As of right now they have nobody to take over. Anything is possible

 

[Serap]

“My husband says that he’s miserable and if things don’t change then some day he will have to leave the marriage before it affects our family.”

One of the options here is that your husband isn’t miserable with you, but just miserable, and he doesn’t realize that if he leaves you, he will still be the same person, living the same life, just with a lot of regrets. A lot of married couples feel run down and miserable when they have a second child, since it’s suddenly way harder than just having one. I would encourage your husband to stick around and see if he doesn’t feel a lot better in a year or two, even just doing nothing.

It sounds like you’ve worked on your faults and your immaturity, which is admirable. Can you get to marriage counseling? Even if you can’t, can you encourage your husband to think about self-improvement–taking a class in something he’s always been interested in, trying a new sport, a side business or hobby, etc. Ideally, you’d try something new together. There is a chance that he’ll meet somebody else or that it would feed his desire to leave you, but it might be worth it to take the risk, just to demonstrate to him that you are not the only variable in his life that he can change.

 

[Serap]

Just wanted to update that we’re still hanging in there. When I asked dh if he could forgive some day he said that he probably could. I asked what is missing that is preventing him from feeling love. He says that he doesn’t feel the connection anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with the way I’ve treated him in the past. He felt that I was distant and not affectionate with him. I was also immature and insisted on getting the last word in an argument. He didn’t really discuss the fact that he was unhappy until now. In retrospect, I can see the issues and am definitely working on improving. He says that he can see how I’m improving. So I do have faith that we’re at least heading in the right direction.

still reading, but my gut tells me that you guys can get through this.

my marriage was **** until recently. my son is almost 4 and until he turned 3, it was hell.

young babies are hard work and not good for marriages…especially the 2nd one.

 

[Serap]

Did he explain to the counselor that he wished he had dated and had sex with other women before committing to marriage? Does she understand that he works a high danger, high stress job and works a lot of hours at that? Then he comes home to a couple young kids and a busy/distracted/tired wife who is trying to take care of said kids and household? These things make such a difference.

If it helps I have been married to my husband for 10 years. 11 in December. We have had our ups and downs and some of the downs are similar to yours. He, while certainly not a virgin, felt he didn’t get enough single adult time to fool around before I snatched him up. He also works a high stress and dangerous job. And he had issues with some hurtful and angry things I said to him over the years. And he wished he had continued his education, but there was no way he could do so with his job.

We started working on us when we realized we were both not feeling connection and were unhappy. There were periods of time we each felt we may not love each other.

First, my husband realized that the job and lack of education wasn’t my fault and that leaving wouldn’t change the fact that he had responsibilities and would have to continue working. So, that helped. He recognized that some of his unhappiness simply had nothing to do with me and wasn’t something he could change for now, at least. I guess he’d blamed me, but not. As in he logically knew it wasn’t my fault,but some illogicalpartof him attached it to me anyways.

Second, he realized that having more sexual experiences wasn’t going to realistically be as he’d like to imagine. Often times, the fantasy is much better than the reality.

I think a large part of that was seeing co-workers and friends divorce and not be living it up as he and they imagined. Turns out, you still have to go to work, pay your bills, take the kids on visitations, deal with being tired and stressed just like when married without the benefit of a spouse to help, and that there aren’t perfect 10 women around every corner looking for one night stands.

I am pretty sure the thought of cooking his own meals, doing his own laundry, cleaning his own house, doing the yard work, shopping, errands, bill payment and car repairs on his own didn’t appeal much, either. Not to mention coming home alone, going to bed alone, and not seeing the kids every day isn’t exactly a happy thought. But that is the reality of a divorced man.

Then we finally talked about the emotional hurt I’d caused him and he had caused me and we agreed to understand each others point of view, forgive, and stop being chickens and let the feelings we’d restrained come naturally.

It was not without effort. We had to police our own behavior and not overreact or just give up when we had a setback. If I got angry or stressed and said something unkind, he had to not take it personally and I had to apologize and explain what was really wrong that made me behave that way so that he could understand. The more we did that the more we paid attention to our moods and motivations and could head off angry or hurtful behaviors at the pass.

What helped the most for us was that we started doing something together. We both needed to lose some weight and I needed to work on cardio because my heart is not in great shape and I will literally die if I don’t take action. My cardiologist was very clear on that point and my mom died at 44 from heart failure. I’m 38.

So, anyways, we started eating better, going to a cheap local gym together, helping and encouraging each other. That went a long way toward re-connection.

We also hide out in the gym parking lot and talk before we go in. Kids and dogs always need something or are in some kind of trouble and the household is loud. In the car, all alone, we can actually talk and laugh without interruption. It’s only about 30 minutes a day, but it’s made a world of difference.

And we made Saturday nights ours. We light candles, play music, talk, laugh, sometimes we play a game (I like Battleship ) and then we let the evening head where it may. No pressure to have sex and no pressure not to. No pressure to do anything but just be and enjoy each others company. Reminds us of why we married in the first place.

We have been closer and more solidly committed to each other, not just the marriage but each other as people, than we ever were.

There is hope.

Oh, and I once believed love shouldn’t take work. What I later realized was that love didn’t take work. It was always there. What took work was behaving like we loved each other and giving ourselves/the relationship the time and attention needed to allow love tobe felt and expressed.

great post