Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith,

It sounds like you’re doing really well, all things considered.

I think you should consider going into banking, even marital issues aside. It’s in your blood.

Best wishes!

 

[bernadettefaith]

still reading, but my gut tells me that you guys can get through this.

my marriage was **** until recently. my son is almost 4 and until he turned 3, it was hell.

young babies are hard work and not good for marriages…especially the 2nd one.

I’m so glad that you got through it! I love hearing that there’s hope, even if it’s just a tiny glimmer of hope.I think right now he’s still confused. He doesn’t know what he wants or what will truly make him happy. If he really truly didn’t want to work on it, he would have left a long time ago.

 

[Serap]

Yes! I read that study! 80% of the participants who rated their marriage as “very unhappy” rated their marriage as “happy” 5 years later. Those who divorced were no happier and we’re just as depressed as those who stayed married. Looks like the odds are in our favor.

Deep down, I truly believe that forgiveness will come with time. I believe that he wants to forgive or he would have left a long time ago. It’s just hard to keep up that hope.

I can speak to this. 4 years ago, I would have rated my marriage as unhappy. Fastforward 4 years and we are now much happier.

you’ve just got to get through the bad times.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I can speak to this. 4 years ago, I would have rated my marriage as unhappy. Fastforward 4 years and we are now much happier.

you’ve just got to get through the bad times.

That’s great! I know that all marriages have bad times. My counselor tells us repeatedly that the hardest time (or one of the hardest times) of a marriage is when there are young children.

 

[Serap]

That’s great! I know that all marriages have bad times. My counselor tells us repeatedly that the hardest time (or one of the hardest times) of a marriage is when there are young children.

Yes it’s blimming hard! My husband still complains about his lack of “life” sometimes, but he’s a lot happier now.

You mentioned that your son is 9 months. I assume he’s on solids by now? I think he would be ok for a weekend if he ate milky baby cereal. That would get him his fluids if you made baby cereal with your breastmilk.

Another way to get your milk into him would be with a small spoon. Just pour it into his mouth gently.

Also, in my city, we have agencies that provide overnight babysitting for a fee. Also, there are many wonderful nannies in my city of Fillipino origin and they are wonderful with babies and could be free for an overnight also.

If you cannot do retrouvaille (we could not b/c my son was too difficult to be looked after); then just keep up with the counselling and keep trying. What you are doing is so mature and admirable.

My gut tells me that he will end up sticking it out after he sees how much you really want to work on this and how much you love him. I agree that he needs to see the reality of being a part time dad. Alimony and weekends would not be a better life than what he has now.

My husband got into a huge rut when our son was born. He wouldn’t have sex with me for 5 months and when we did start again, we would go for weeks without it. It was a long road to recovery. As my son began to speak and make us laugh, it brought us closer again. My husband began spending time with us as a family and he began to feel happy again.

My husband is the one with the temper. He throws things and screams when he’s angry. I know he’s happy now bc he hasn’t had a temper tantrum in a long time. I find that when he’s feeling stressed and he’s unhappy, his unhappiness manifests itself in anger.

People cope with unhappiness differently. Your husband is coping with stress, his job and the responsibilities of being a dad and it’s manifesting in a fantasy of a better life. A better life that doesn’t exist.

I also don’t believe that he fell out of love with you a year before you were married. He may of had cold feet, but I don’t believe that for one second.

 

[Serap]

I’m so glad that you got through it! I love hearing that there’s hope, even if it’s just a tiny glimmer of hope.I think right now he’s still confused. He doesn’t know what he wants or what will truly make him happy. If he really truly didn’t want to work on it, he would have left a long time ago.

every month our marriage gets a bit better. sometimes it is 3 steps back and 2 forward, but I have really noticed over the past 4 years that our marriage has steadily been improving.

I read somewhere (Popcack a Catholic author) wrote that the first 10 years of marriage are by far the hardest in his book Catholic Guide to a Live Long Marriage or something like that. I read it years ago.

EDITED TO ADD: I also believe that it is also very hard when the youngest child is under age 3 and a half.

 

[bernadettefaith]

The baby does eat solids but only table food. He will sip milk from a cup but screams after I’m gone for more than 4-5 hrs. My parents would probably call me and ask me to return home after a few hours of screaming. He’s used to me as his main caregiver and freaks out if I’m gone too long. My parents call us home early from date nights if he’s not able to be consoled for hours. He also has issues with maintaining weight so I didn’t want to leave him too long before a year. He can be quite difficult lol.

However, retrouvaille is going to be offered nearby in the winter or spring I believe so maybe then it will be better. Honestly, I think Dh does better with a secular counselor as he’s not crazy about the church. If it’s not overly religious then he might be ok. He will probably agree to retrouvaille next time it’s offered if things aren’t better. Ideally, things would be better then and we could take a weekend alone to do something fun.

He’s agreed to try everything before divorce and he said he’d be open to a marriage retreat as well as speaking with our parish priest.

I also know that he didn’t fall our of love before marriage. He could have easily left then. We didn’t even have any wedding plans at the time! He was he one who called the priest and made all wedding arrangements. I did not force him into any of this.

I’ve read that when one is unhappy, one only remembers the times with similar emotions. So right now his mind is only looking for the times he has been unhappy. He very well may have had cold feet. For some reason, he went along with the marriage and that was 100% his decision.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“He will sip milk from a cup but screams after I’m gone for more than 4-5 hrs. My parents would probably call me and ask me to return home after a few hours of screaming. He’s used to me as his main caregiver and freaks out if I’m gone too long.”

This is around when separation anxiety starts, so I would not hurry you into leaving him. When my baby was around the same age, she’d start crying if I left the room. I think you’re doing quite well to leave him for 4-5 hours.

“I’ve read that when one is unhappy, one only remembers the times with similar emotions.”

Very true.

Also, it’s hard to remember sensations. Just sitting here comfortably, I can’t make myself remember what having wisdom tooth pain feels like or what it feels like to be soaked through to the skin with cold rain. Likewise, if I’m suffering any of those discomforts, I can’t just call up at will the sensation of drinking hot chocolate or enjoying a hot shower.

 

[Marysann]

Dear bernadettefaith, I feel for you because your husband does not realize that he is chasing a fantasy. This ideal working woman who would make lots of money, and love him even if he were fat and poor does not exist. He will never find her because she is a figment of his imagination. True love is what you have been giving him. Not some Hollywood idea of marriage as some sort of permanent state of infatuation. I hope he realizes this before he destroys your marriage. If that does happen, he will realize soon enough what he has lost.

 

[Serap]

The baby does eat solids but only table food. He will sip milk from a cup but screams after I’m gone for more than 4-5 hrs. My parents would probably call me and ask me to return home after a few hours of screaming. He’s used to me as his main caregiver and freaks out if I’m gone too long. My parents call us home early from date nights if he’s not able to be consoled for hours. He also has issues with maintaining weight so I didn’t want to leave him too long before a year. He can be quite difficult lol.

However, retrouvaille is going to be offered nearby in the winter or spring I believe so maybe then it will be better. Honestly, I think Dh does better with a secular counselor as he’s not crazy about the church. If it’s not overly religious then he might be ok. He will probably agree to retrouvaille next time it’s offered if things aren’t better. Ideally, things would be better then and we could take a weekend alone to do something fun.

He’s agreed to try everything before divorce and he said he’d be open to a marriage retreat as well as speaking with our parish priest.

I also know that he didn’t fall our of love before marriage. He could have easily left then. We didn’t even have any wedding plans at the time! He was he one who called the priest and made all wedding arrangements. I did not force him into any of this.

I’ve read that when one is unhappy, one only remembers the times with similar emotions. So right now his mind is only looking for the times he has been unhappy. He very well may have had cold feet. For some reason, he went along with the marriage and that was 100% his decision.

You can’t leave your baby for a weekend. It would be too traumatic for him. My son and daughter could not have been left alone for a weekend until they were 2. They were too attached to me. My son was such a difficult baby and toddler, that it was really until he was 3 that someone could have watched him and had fun

Yes, when one is unhappy, they repaint their past in a negative light.

I have an idea…keep bringing up all your happy times together. “Remember when we…”

“OMG…this reminds me of when we…”

Keep bringing up reminders…show him pictures of happy times…

it could work?

 

[Julianna]

The baby does eat solids but only table food. He will sip milk from a cup but screams after I’m gone for more than 4-5 hrs. My parents would probably call me and ask me to return home after a few hours of screaming. He’s used to me as his main caregiver and freaks out if I’m gone too long. My parents call us home early from date nights if he’s not able to be consoled for hours. He also has issues with maintaining weight so I didn’t want to leave him too long before a year. He can be quite difficult lol.

However, retrouvaille is going to be offered nearby in the winter or spring I believe so maybe then it will be better. Honestly, I think Dh does better with a secular counselor as he’s not crazy about the church. If it’s not overly religious then he might be ok. He will probably agree to retrouvaille next time it’s offered if things aren’t better. Ideally, things would be better then and we could take a weekend alone to do something fun.

He’s agreed to try everything before divorce and he said he’d be open to a marriage retreat as well as speaking with our parish priest.

I also know that he didn’t fall our of love before marriage. He could have easily left then. We didn’t even have any wedding plans at the time! He was he one who called the priest and made all wedding arrangements. I did not force him into any of this.

I’ve read that when one is unhappy, one only remembers the times with similar emotions. So right now his mind is only looking for the times he has been unhappy. He very well may have had cold feet. For some reason, he went along with the marriage and that was 100% his decision.

Does your husband know your the baby screams from separation anxiety? Well of course he does and I’m sure he hears the screaming…and maybe will get just a tad ticked off when you all are called back from “date night”. I would watch the look on his face when you ask him the following question:

“Are you not getting close to me because you are afraid I will get pregnant again?”
“Is it easier for you to tell yourself to distance yourself from me, not because you don’t love me or have feeling for me, but because you are afraid if we have sex, I’ll become pregnant?”

Don’t focus on the answer, focus on his face and mannerisms when you ask the question. Bring it up in therapy and “watch” again. If you don’t catch it, the therapist will.

 

[cejas5]

My heart goes out to you, I am going through something similar with my husband we have been married for 26 years and he says he lost something how do you lose love? Thank God for not losing love for us! I believe my husband is going through midlife crisis maybe your husband is also… just a thought maybe you should talk to your local Priest and if he is going through that he can get the help he needs. I have never felt so much pain than what is happening to my marriage right now, I pray that God gives you the strength that you need for yourself and your children it’s not easy I am struggling with depression too, but I know that through God all things are possible. I admire you for wanting to stay with your marriage todays world would say divorce right away but that is not what God wants us to do. My heartfelt prayers are with you, your husband and your children I pray that God will restore your marriage and your family. God bless and know that I am praying for you. God bless and keep you in his loving care.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Does your husband know your the baby screams from separation anxiety? Well of course he does and I’m sure he hears the screaming…and maybe will get just a tad ticked off when you all are called back from “date night”. I would watch the look on his face when you ask him the following question:

“Are you not getting close to me because you are afraid I will get pregnant again?”
“Is it easier for you to tell yourself to distance yourself from me, not because you don’t love me or have feeling for me, but because you are afraid if we have sex, I’ll become pregnant?”

Don’t focus on the answer, focus on his face and mannerisms when you ask the question. Bring it up in therapy and “watch” again. If you don’t catch it, the therapist will.

You know, this did all start once I got my cycle back at 5 mos postpartum. He does not trust NFP though we haven’t had any surprise pregnancies. I could understand why it would bother him. I’ve had scary complications and don’t feel comfortable with another pregnancy either. So I suppose it is possible that this has something to do with it. Our complications that we had with our first reappeared even earlier with our second and scared both of us.

 

[Julianna]

You know, this did all start once I got my cycle back at 5 mos postpartum. He does not trust NFP though we haven’t had any surprise pregnancies. I could understand why it would bother him. I’ve had scary complications and don’t feel comfortable with another pregnancy either. So I suppose it is possible that this has something to do with it. Our complications that we had with our first reappeared even earlier with our second and scared both of us.

Well great…we’re making progress. Perhaps he is concerned for you after all and doesn’t want you or another child go tbrougb those complications. This could be an issue…be doesn’t want anymore children. From what you said about your med history…I can understand his reluctance to become intimate with you.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Well great…we’re making progress. Perhaps he is concerned for you after all and doesn’t want you or another child go tbrougb those complications. This could be an issue…be doesn’t want anymore children. From what you said about your med history…I can understand his reluctance to become intimate with you.

Well he would like to get a vasectomy. At least he mentioned before that he might want a vasectomy. I don’t feel that I want another baby but I know it’s not a totally risk free procedure. He knew the Church was against it and he resents the Church for it. Anyway, there’s nothing I could do to stop him from it. I asked at one point if it would make a difference if he got a vasectomy and he said that he doesn’t need it now if we don’t have sex.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Oh and he agreed tonight to host a party with his shift. They do one every 3
months and someone else has this month. He says he will offer to do the next one. We’re going to go to the party at his friend’s house in a few weeks.

 

[Julianna]

Well he would like to get a vasectomy. At least he mentioned before that he might want a vasectomy. I don’t feel that I want another baby but I know it’s not a totally risk free procedure. He knew the Church was against it and he resents the Church for it. Anyway, there’s nothing I could do to stop him from it. I asked at one point if it would make a difference if he got a vasectomy and he said that he doesn’t need it now if we don’t have sex.

I believe everything except the last sentence. Now you have the truth…he does not want anymore children. He doesnt need to resent the Church…the rules are clear. and no there is nothing you can do to stop him. If you have insurance. …the cost…he may well know is minimal. Now you knos he has thought about…and…probably checked around about it through friends or or even a doctor. Now you can see the elephant in the room.

Definitely a topic for the next session.

 

[Julianna]

Oh and he agreed tonight to host a party with his shift. They do one every 3
months and someone else has this month. He says he will offer to do the next one. We’re going to go to the party at his friend’s house in a few weeks.

Perfect.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I believe everything except the last sentence. Now you have the truth…he does not want anymore children. He doesnt need to resent the Church…the rules are clear. and no there is nothing you can do to stop him. If you have insurance. …the cost…he may well know is minimal. Now you knos he has thought about…and…probably checked around about it through friends or or even a doctor. Now you can see the elephant in the room.

Definitely a topic for the next session.

I do think there are risks involved but I have told him that I can’t stop him. He’s a grown man and could get the procedure done if he wants. Then I wonder if he wants to hold off on it in case he gets remarried because then he might be open to more kids.

 

[Julianna]

I do think there are risks involved but I have told him that I can’t stop him. He’s a grown man and could get the procedure done if he wants. Then I wonder if he wants to hold off on it in case he gets remarried because then he might be open to more kids.

Nope…don’t think so. He loves the ones he has… you two really need to discuss this off line…and yes talk to your parish priest about it…lay the cards on the table.