B
bernadettefaith
Guest
I’ve discussed this and he said that he doesn’t want one now because he might remarry
- Status
G
GenerationHV
Guest
That is an incredibly cruel thing to say.I’ve discussed this and he said that he doesn’t want one now because he might remarry
Was he ever Catholic? Are his family practicing? When did he start “not liking organized religion?”
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
His parents are Catholic and quite involved in their parish. He just recently started not liking religion.
C
cejas5
Guest
This sounds like what my husband is going through they use every excuse in the world to not forgive you or blame you when in fact they are mad at themselves for whatever reason, the Priest told me that it is very hard to try and talk to someone who is hell bent on being angry and hating their life. Just try and remember that it’s not about you I know that’s hard to do and keep praying for strength.
X
Xantippe
Guest
cejas5 said:
“This sounds like what my husband is going through they use every excuse in the world to not forgive you or blame you when in fact they are mad at themselves for whatever reason, the Priest told me that it is very hard to try and talk to someone who is hell bent on being angry and hating their life. Just try and remember that it’s not about you I know that’s hard to do and keep praying for strength.”
Yes!
“This sounds like what my husband is going through they use every excuse in the world to not forgive you or blame you when in fact they are mad at themselves for whatever reason, the Priest told me that it is very hard to try and talk to someone who is hell bent on being angry and hating their life. Just try and remember that it’s not about you I know that’s hard to do and keep praying for strength.”
Yes!
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
Oh and by recently I mean within the last year or so. I knew that he didn’t agree with every church teaching 100% but I didn’t know that he was totally against organized religion.
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
Yes, I agree. He does have legitimate reasons to be angry, but don’t we all?
Legally, he doesn’t need my permission for a vasectomy. Honestly,
If I had to choose vasectomy or divorce I’d choose the vasectomy any time.
I can bring it up to our counselor but I’m not sure it would truly make a difference.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this as well. You’re in my prayers!
X
Xantippe
Guest
“If I had to choose vasectomy or divorce I’d choose the vasectomy any time.
I can bring it up to our counselor but I’m not sure it would truly make a difference.”
Yeah, if he’s not wanting a vasectomy because he might remarry, then fear of additional children isn’t really the issue. If anything, it’s fear of additional children with you, not fear of more children in general.
That’s not a happy thought. Sorry!
At least he’s with you right now. That’s what counts.
I can bring it up to our counselor but I’m not sure it would truly make a difference.”
Yeah, if he’s not wanting a vasectomy because he might remarry, then fear of additional children isn’t really the issue. If anything, it’s fear of additional children with you, not fear of more children in general.
That’s not a happy thought. Sorry!
At least he’s with you right now. That’s what counts.
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
I agree. I guess I shouldn’t believe everything he says right now. Obviously he’s in a tough place. I agree that it probably is best not to have more babies but I definitely don’t think he needs more with someone else. To be fair, I was the one who asked what he planned to do in the event he divorced me and he said that he would want to marry and possibly he open to having a baby with her. She wouldn’t be able to stay home as he’s paying child support so she would make enough to support the kid (in his mind). Yeah, I have stopped asking these questions. It’s not worth it.
If anything, I’d think he would want the vasectomy in the event of a divorce. That way he wouldn’t have to worry about affording child support and another child.
D
davetv
Guest
I hate to suggest this but, have you ruled out all this is to excuse infidelity on his part?
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
I’d considered it when all of this first started. I’m now quite sure that’s not it. I haven’t found anything suspicious and all work hours are accounted for by a very large paycheck. He’s home with us nearly all the time when he’s not working.
D
davetv
Guest
That’s good to hear. I think that in addition to the counseling you both could benefit from something like retroville or marriage classes (perhaps offered by your local parishes) . Also a cursillo may be good for you both. Actually that might be the best thing since its usually done separately, men one weekend and women another. From what you’ve revealed he seems to have very bad formation about marriage and his faith and would benefit from these extras.
Sadly most of us get our ideas about marriage from TV and movies, which (going out a limb here) have been statistically poor.
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
Retrouvaille is definitely in the plans in the future. Our diocese doesn’t offer any classes as I’ve contacted someone in the “Marriage and Family Life” department. She didn’t really have a lot of resources for us or counselor recommendations
D
davetv
Guest
Very good, I would really consider doing a Cursillo for you both.
M
MJJean
Guest
We have this idea that we are supposed to be blissfully in love and happy as songbirds stuck in our heads from movies, books, tv shows, etc.Yes, when one is unhappy, they repaint their past in a negative light.
I have an idea…keep bringing up all your happy times together. “Remember when we…”
“OMG…this reminds me of when we…”
Keep bringing up reminders…show him pictures of happy times…
it could work?
I’m not a pretty pretty princess and my husband certainly isn’t a prince. We’re real people with real lives and real problems. If I clung to the idea that we were supposed to be married and live happily ever after otherwise we must be married to the wrong person I’d have divorced years ago.
We’re happy sometimes, sad sometimes, depressed sometimes, estatic sometimes and merely content as much as possible.NO ONE is happy all of the time. No one. If the OP’s DH is looking for Disney happiness he’s never going to get it!
If BernadetteFaith is trying to remind her husband of happy times, try scent. Scent is a very powerful memory trigger. Back when my DH and I were having problems I remembered that I used to use this certain body spray. I guess I got bored and stopped using it somewhere along the way, but I used it all the time when we were going through the blissful stage. So, I bought some of the old body spray and started wearing it again. It actually helped. The scent was associated with feeling all in love and very attracted to each other and those are the emotions wearing it again evoked.
S
Serap
Guest
Good idea. Bernadettefaith needs to keep reminding him of the benefits of his “investment”. In the book Men are from Mars…it says that men see their wife and kids as an investment and they need to feel that they are getting a return on their investment.We have this idea that we are supposed to be blissfully in love and happy as songbirds stuck in our heads from movies, books, tv shows, etc.
I’m not a pretty pretty princess and my husband certainly isn’t a prince. We’re real people with real lives and real problems. If I clung to the idea that we were supposed to be married and live happily ever after otherwise we must be married to the wrong person I’d have divorced years ago.
NO ONE is happy all of the time. No one. If the OP’s DH is looking for Disney happiness he’s never going to get it!
If Bernadettefaith is trying to remind her husband of happy times, try scent. Scent is a very powerful memory trigger. Back when my DH and I were having problems I remembered that I used to use this certain body spray. I guess I got bored and stopped using it somewhere along the way, but I used it all the time when we were going through the blissful stage. So, I bought some of the old body spray and started wearing it again. It actually helped. The scent was associated with feeling all in love and very attracted to each other and those are the emotions wearing it again evoked.
I know that sounds terrible, but if it’s accurate, then Bernadettefaith needs to constantly remind her husband of what a great investment he has.
It could also include her telling him only positive things about the kids…how great they are, etc.
She needs to appeal to his 5 senses…the body mist is a great idea. Men are also visual, so maybe she could wear something he likes…for taste, cook him a great meal…hear, tell him why he should stay…remind him of the good times…pictures, how great the kids are…anything positive.
This situation really sucks, but I respect this guy b/c he’s being really honest and he’s not cheating on her or lying to her. You gotta respect that trait.
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
Is there a site to search for a cursillo nearby? I am almost certain he wouldn’t go along with anything faith based but I can offer.
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
I do wear perfume most of the time but I can’t remember what I wore years ago. He bought me one for my birthday last month and I’ve been wearing it.We have this idea that we are supposed to be blissfully in love and happy as songbirds stuck in our heads from movies, books, tv shows, etc.
I’m not a pretty pretty princess and my husband certainly isn’t a prince. We’re real people with real lives and real problems. If I clung to the idea that we were supposed to be married and live happily ever after otherwise we must be married to the wrong person I’d have divorced years ago.
NO ONE is happy all of the time. No one. If the OP’s DH is looking for Disney happiness he’s never going to get it!
If BernadetteFaith is trying to remind her husband of happy times, try scent. Scent is a very powerful memory trigger. Back when my DH and I were having problems I remembered that I used to use this certain body spray. I guess I got bored and stopped using it somewhere along the way, but I used it all the time when we were going through the blissful stage. So, I bought some of the old body spray and started wearing it again. It actually helped. The scent was associated with feeling all in love and very attracted to each other and those are the emotions wearing it again evoked.
He says that he realizes that the Disney fantasy isn’t true but he thinks that he should at least feel some love all the time. He doesn’t think that marriage should be so miserable. Yet he isn’t really able to describe why he’s miserable, other than he’s afraid I’m going to get angry. But he wasn’t miserable in the past when I actually did get angry
He says I’ve only gotten better as I’ve matured. None of this really makes sense.The counselor has asked us to describe our “perfect” partner. I’m not quite sure that that is a good exercise. I don’t have a “perfect”. She tried to get me to describe physical traits that I would want - and I don’t have any specifics. I’d much rather be with someone with good character over physical traits. And I’ve always admired him for his character in the past - not sure what’s going on right now.
X
Xantippe
Guest
“He says that he realizes that the Disney fantasy isn’t true but he thinks that he should at least feel some love all the time. He doesn’t think that marriage should be so miserable. Yet he isn’t really able to describe why he’s miserable, other than he’s afraid I’m going to get angry. But he wasn’t miserable in the past when I actually did get angry He says I’ve only gotten better as I’ve matured. None of this really makes sense.”
Don’t try to make it make sense–it doesn’t.
“The counselor has asked us to describe our “perfect” partner. I’m not quite sure that that is a good exercise. I don’t have a “perfect”. She tried to get me to describe physical traits that I would want - and I don’t have any specifics. I’d much rather be with someone with good character over physical traits. And I’ve always admired him for his character in the past - not sure what’s going on right now.”
Yeah, I think that was not a good exercise in your husband’s case, because this is already something he has a problem with–fantasizing about finding somebody better than you. The physical trait thing is especially odd. Obviously, we do like certain physical traits more than others (it’s good to have a chin!), but there’s a Russian saying that goes, a man should only be just better looking than a gorilla.
Don’t try to make it make sense–it doesn’t.
“The counselor has asked us to describe our “perfect” partner. I’m not quite sure that that is a good exercise. I don’t have a “perfect”. She tried to get me to describe physical traits that I would want - and I don’t have any specifics. I’d much rather be with someone with good character over physical traits. And I’ve always admired him for his character in the past - not sure what’s going on right now.”
Yeah, I think that was not a good exercise in your husband’s case, because this is already something he has a problem with–fantasizing about finding somebody better than you. The physical trait thing is especially odd. Obviously, we do like certain physical traits more than others (it’s good to have a chin!), but there’s a Russian saying that goes, a man should only be just better looking than a gorilla.
B
bernadettefaith
Guest
I definitely respect that he’s still here, faithful, and working on things with the counselor. He’s even enthusiastic about talking to her separately about his feelings so he can get those sorted out. He does feel guilt about the situation. He also doesn’t tell me these upsetting things unless he’s asked by me or by the counselor.
He says that he’s just sticking around for the kids (when asked). He really loves them and does feel that they are his whole world.
From what I’ve read, it’s not a good idea for me to point out anything positive that he gets out of the relationship. Talking to him myself isn’t really going to change his mind. I can treat him with love, respect, and kindness and hope that my actions speak louder than words
- Status