Thank you. I do plan to go ASAP.Bernadette, this is excellent advice. You already mention awareness of your faults and you are working on them. Have you got to confession? Go. Now. You will get grace and insight and be able to forgive yourself. But also remember that your husband isn’t perfect either and the way he is looking at the marriage is flawed. Persevere in prayer.
Dave, your counsel is dead on.
Excellent counsel…Did he explain to the counselor that he wished he had dated and had sex with other women before committing to marriage? Does she understand that he works a high danger, high stress job and works a lot of hours at that? Then he comes home to a couple young kids and a busy/distracted/tired wife who is trying to take care of said kids and household? These things make such a difference.
If it helps I have been married to my husband for 10 years. 11 in December. We have had our ups and downs and some of the downs are similar to yours. He, while certainly not a virgin, felt he didn’t get enough single adult time to fool around before I snatched him up. He also works a high stress and dangerous job. And he had issues with some hurtful and angry things I said to him over the years. And he wished he had continued his education, but there was no way he could do so with his job.
We started working on us when we realized we were both not feeling connection and were unhappy. There were periods of time we each felt we may not love each other.
First, my husband realized that the job and lack of education wasn’t my fault and that leaving wouldn’t change the fact that he had responsibilities and would have to continue working. So, that helped. He recognized that some of his unhappiness simply had nothing to do with me and wasn’t something he could change for now, at least. I guess he’d blamed me, but not. As in he logically knew it wasn’t my fault,but some illogicalpartof him attached it to me anyways.
Second, he realized that having more sexual experiences wasn’t going to realistically be as he’d like to imagine. Often times, the fantasy is much better than the reality.
I think a large part of that was seeing co-workers and friends divorce and not be living it up as he and they imagined. Turns out, you still have to go to work, pay your bills, take the kids on visitations, deal with being tired and stressed just like when married without the benefit of a spouse to help, and that there aren’t perfect 10 women around every corner looking for one night stands.
I am pretty sure the thought of cooking his own meals, doing his own laundry, cleaning his own house, doing the yard work, shopping, errands, bill payment and car repairs on his own didn’t appeal much, either. Not to mention coming home alone, going to bed alone, and not seeing the kids every day isn’t exactly a happy thought. But that is the reality of a divorced man.
Then we finally talked about the emotional hurt I’d caused him and he had caused me and we agreed to understand each others point of view, forgive, and stop being chickens and let the feelings we’d restrained come naturally.
It was not without effort. We had to police our own behavior and not overreact or just give up when we had a setback. If I got angry or stressed and said something unkind, he had to not take it personally and I had to apologize and explain what was really wrong that made me behave that way so that he could understand. The more we did that the more we paid attention to our moods and motivations and could head off angry or hurtful behaviors at the pass.
What helped the most for us was that we started doing something together. We both needed to lose some weight and I needed to work on cardio because my heart is not in great shape and I will literally die if I don’t take action. My cardiologist was very clear on that point and my mom died at 44 from heart failure. I’m 38.
So, anyways, we started eating better, going to a cheap local gym together, helping and encouraging each other. That went a long way toward re-connection.
We also hide out in the gym parking lot and talk before we go in. Kids and dogs always need something or are in some kind of trouble and the household is loud. In the car, all alone, we can actually talk and laugh without interruption. It’s only about 30 minutes a day, but it’s made a world of difference.
And we made Saturday nights ours. We light candles, play music, talk, laugh, sometimes we play a game (I like Battleship
We have been closer and more solidly committed to each other, not just the marriage but each other as people, than we ever were.
There is hope.
Oh, and I once believed love shouldn’t take work. What I later realized was that love didn’t take work. It was always there. What took work was behaving like we loved each other and giving ourselves/the relationship the time and attention needed to allow love tobe felt and expressed.
Yeah don’t think happy memories is going to work as you said from the beginning he was going through the motions.
He is “whining”. He needs to put on his big boy pants and stop playing silly games with you. It’s your life too. He isn’t in a crisis…he is bored…filled with regret. You can’t change that, and you are not to blame.About the compatibility, maybe he thinks that because he was Catholic and loved animals when we dated and now he doesn’t then that means we’re no longer compatible? I’m not sure. Regardless, he’s said that the differences between us aren’t deal breakers so I’m not sure why they matter so much. He thought that it really bothered me that he was not religious and I said that it wasn’t a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t want him practicing a faith that he no longer believes in.Again…he was going through the motions…“you like animals?” Oh yes, I like animals." Going with the flow…but again…unhappy about it.
I do think he truly believes that he could trade our relationship for an easier one. He says that he realizes relationships can be hard but he thinks ours is “too hard”. That makes no sense since he has stuck through our relationship for 13 years and never complained before.He is delusional on that idea. Yours is no harder than anyone elses. He’s having a pity party and is a bit narcissistic. He stuck in the relationship because he couldn’t figure a way out. And now he is mad because he is in a rut. Not your fault.
I’ve asked before if his friends complain about their wives. He claims that men don’t normally speak negatively about their significant others. I know that women complain plenty, which makes me appreciate my husband knowing that other husbands aren’t perfect either. He seems to think that all of his friends are crazy about their wives at all times.You need to get out more if you believe that line. You are an educated woman…don’t let him feed you a line like that.
He’s told the counselor that he’s curious about what it would be like to be with another woman (during our last session). He also said that he doesn’t think it’s fair to drag me down with him just because he has regrets about his past. During our last counseling session, he also said that he really wants to give me another chance and start the relationship with a blank slate. So I think he may just be starting to see the light even if he isn’t there yet. Again, pity party using reverse psychology. Boy he sure is good at this game, and I bet the therapist sees right through him.
He definitely seems like he’s in some kind of crisis even though he’s young for a midlife crisis. I’ve heard that it can be common for the 26-30 yr age group. Especially if he feels stuck in a rut in the relationship or life in general.
Love this!
I don’t know that he really just went through the motions the entire time. That’s what he says now but I don’t necessarily believe everything he’s been saying. I don’t think he’s that great of an actor.
He didn’t suggest getting my tubes tied when I was in the OR last winter having a c-section. He might not have known it was a possibility though - men don’t pay attention to that stuff.
Interesting…so when you visit his parents and yours you prepare “yourself”, fix your make-up and powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep 'em closed. When you get there with your painted on smile and sit down you cross your legs, dot your eyes and never let 'em see you cry.
The therapist said that it’s best not to discuss with parents because they take sides. He probably knows his parents would be against divorce and doesn’t want to hear it.Interesting…so when you visit his parents and yours you prepare “yourself”, fix your make-up and powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep 'em closed. When you get there with your painted on smile and sit down you cross your legs, dot your eyes and never let 'em see you cry.
So his parents think everything is rosey. I would ask the therapist to ask him why he doesn’t want to tell his parents about this…that has been going on since…JUNE…and maybe longer?
This guy is playing you. Does any part of you think that?
I imagine so…she doesn’t want you all “triangling”.
You are right, he can’t afford two households…he already “knows” that. As for alimony…it depends…if the court believes you are able enough to work and the child support is substantial you will get little to no alimony. Have “you” yourself done any research on this? I am sure he has. Forewarned is forearmed.I’ve done as much research as I can without calling an attorney. And that I’m not ok with doing at the moment. If I obtain employment that has significantly lower income he may be required to pay alimony temporarily in our state. He’d also be required to pay a portion for daycare in addition to child support (if I didn’t have family watch the child of course). Basic child support for his monthly gross income is $945 for two children. I don’t know that he has researched it. He thought he’d be forced to give us half of his income because he has to support half of the household. He may have though - I have no idea. Oh and half of his retirement acct balance would go to me - I am fairly sure.I imagine so…she doesn’t want you all “triangling”.
Whether his parents believe in divorce or not…if he wants one, he’ll get one and they will have to deal with it. “He” just doesn’t want to deal with the feedback from them.
“You” must have been “extremely” angry? Really? To make “him” feel this way. How about your feelings…when you find out the love of your life had to be dragged kicking and screaming into marriage and didn’t have the courage to tell you until now…Now that you have become “totally” dependent on him. And knows it.
He is waiting a year. That I believe. Then he can say, “I tried”. As for leaving you the house, the car and paying boatloads of alimony and child support…I got a bridge in the desert to sell you.
You need to prepare like one would for a hurricane. You are an educated woman, get your ducks in a row. He is “baiting” you to get mad so he can prove a point, that according to you doesn’t exist. Don’t engage.
Good I am glad you are protecting yourself. $945 for two kids is basic and yes, he would have to pay a portion of the child care. The house would have to go unless he wants to live under a bridge. Is your name on the mortgage and on the property taxes for the house? Is your name on the title to the car? If it’s not paid off, does the payment have your name on it? Are the utilities in your name? the house phone? the cell phone?
Oh yes, my name is on everything except utilities like gas and electric. All accounts - checking, savings are in both. Car is paid off and in both names. In our state, the car and house are marital property and would be split between the two regardless. At least that is how I understood it. I’m sure it varies by state.
Is your name on the mortgage?
Yes, it is on everything…just not the utility bills.
good. You would be surprised at the number of women in 2013 who are SAHM and their name is not on “anything”. And some are given “an allowance” by their husbands. ARGHH…
Smart woman… glad you are doing the finances it’s keeps you in the loop.His insurance covers everything so the kids will be good to go.good. You would be surprised at the number of women in 2013 who are SAHM and their name is not on “anything”. And some are given “an allowance” by their husbands. ARGHH…
There is nothing wrong with YOU. He is the one who has the problem. I am just concerned that he is "playing’ you like a violin. Continue…continuing, let nothing deter you in working this out with him. In the meantime, hedge your bets, get your ducks in a row.
If he has good insurance…ask your pediatrician about the separation anxiety with your second little one, perhaps he/she will offer some advice to keep the stress level down on you.Oh speaking of insurance, he will also keep the kids on his insurance…you however, may get stuck with Obamacare if you aren’t working.
I’ve considered talking to both his parents - we always see them together. His dad is the type who might worry more than his mom. Do you think they would side with him? He’s an only child and their “baby”. Or would they tell him that I talked to him?Bernadette,
I agree not to tell your parents, they would definitely hold a grudge ( heck I might never forgive him for what he said to you.)
But his mom is a whole nother story. Talking to my MIL saved my husbands sanity and our marriage.
His mom knows him better than you. Take her yarn shopping r some other innocuous activity and say 'I’m really worried about (hubby,) have you noticed he is unhappy, lost his faith in Christ and wishes he ad a different wife and different college experiences?"
See what she says