Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Serap]

II tried to appease him and be all sensitive and such, but then I got sick of it and lost my grip. I gave him a serious verbal dose of reality, told him to grow the freak up, and then I told him he was welcome to leave if he felt he needed to, but once he was gone he would not be welcome back so he’d better think real hard. Going on strike and making him take care of his own meals and laundry, etc. for a few days also really helped.
…

So that’s what worked for you? Perhaps Bernadettefaith will reach the same place and get fed up and tell him to leave and never come back if that’s what he wants.

I think eventually, I’d get to that point too. Luckily, my husband is 44 years old and he’s kinda getting past the whole, “my life is not what I thought it would be” and he’s in the acceptance stage.

10 years ago, my husband was gung ho on education, career, etc. I have a great job paying $70 K and he would still tell me I lacked ambition. I was shocked when last month, he told my parents that he should have gone into a trade like construction, instead of getting a PhD that didn’t lead to anything special in his career. He also said that he would be very supportive of our son going into a trade instead of university

It’s amazing how men seem to always have these mid-life crisis situations around the birth of a second child.

 

[MJJean]

So that’s what worked for you? Perhaps Bernadettefaith will reach the same place and get fed up and tell him to leave and never come back if that’s what he wants.

I think eventually, I’d get to that point too. Luckily, my husband is 44 years old and he’s kinda getting past the whole, “my life is not what I thought it would be” and he’s in the acceptance stage.

10 years ago, my husband was gung ho on education, career, etc. I have a great job paying $70 K and he would still tell me I lacked ambition. I was shocked when last month, he told my parents that he should have gone into a trade like construction, instead of getting a PhD that didn’t lead to anything special in his career. He also said that he would be very supportive of our son going into a trade instead of university

It’s amazing how men seem to always have these mid-life crisis situations around the birth of a second child.

I cried. A lot. I worked my butt off around the house doing all kinds of extras for him.I basically coddled and kissed butt. My husband actually even left once and drove to his parents house across the country to “start over” only to come home 3 days later.

I put up with the hurt and sadness and lonliness and lack of emotional and physical intimacy for months. Actually, close to a year. Then I finally snapped. I realized I am a darn good woman, we don’t grow on trees, and if he was going to leave he might as well go now. So, I had the “you made the choices you made, decisions have lasting consequences, what the heck did you think being married and a parent would be like, either grow up and get really committed or get on with it” conversation. I also reminded him that I really am a darn good wife and I’d be snatched up by a man who would appreciate me, so don’t think I’ll be waiting around. I’d get a job, take some classes, and move on. Possibly, probably, with a new mate.

He took the idea of me with another man and me moving on with my life in his absence pretty hard. A few semi-rough months of thought and he finally fully got it.

It took me a long time to realize that this kind of mini- midlife crisis is pretty common to men when they settle into real life.

My poor DH still freaks out a bit every time we make a major decision. He freaked out when the child we have together was born. He freaked out when we moved in together. He freaked out when we got married even though it was his idea. He freaked out when we bought the house and when we bought our first new car. It took until we bought the house for me to realize the guy freaks out every time he makes a large commitment and then gets over it a few days later, lol. Now I just pat him on the head and ignore the freak out until its over.

 

[Serap]

.

It took me a long time to realize that this kind of mini- midlife crisis is pretty common to men when they settle into real life.

My poor DH still freaks out a bit every time we make a major decision. He freaked out when the child we have together was born. He freaked out when we moved in together. He freaked out when we got married even though it was his idea. He freaked out when we bought the house and when we bought our first new car. It took until we bought the house for me to realize the guy freaks out every time he makes a large commitment and then gets over it a few days later, lol. Now I just pat him on the head and ignore the freak out until its over.

OMG! Mine freaks out too and takes FOREVER to make a decision on anything like a new house, car, marrying me , having a baby, etc.

I really envy women that have husbands that are don’t go into crisis mode everytime life happens.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I see it a bit differently than you do. I don’t see that he’s playing BernadetteFaith. I see that he is being honest with his wife and he is genuinely confused and having some kind of a life crisis.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with BernadetteFaith and that yes, it is he with the problem. I just question whether or not he is intentionally playing her.

It may seem like he’s playing her from the outside, but BernadetteFaith would have a gut feeling if this were the case and from what she has said about his actions, I believe her when she says that her husband is genuinely confused and in an emotional crisis.

I agree. It’s easy to tell when he’s upset and when he’s happy. He may have been putting on a happy face for a few months or even a year before he told me he was unhappy but I don’t think he could pretend to be happy for 8 years (if it started 1 yr before marriage). Actions speak louder than words and by his actions over the past 7-8 years I’m sure there was love.

The first talk we had about this he mentioned that he had been unhappy for a year but it had gotten worse recently. He had been waiting it out to see if his feelings got better. That I am a little more likely to believe. He says that he held his feelings in and didn’t tell me when I upset him.

He’s also said that he thought he was in love when he married me but soon after we got married he realized he had made a mistake. I think I had similar doubts during the first year of marriage - though mine were fleeting thoughts. I remember having arguments over silly things (can’t even remember what) and wondering what I had gotten myself into. I didn’t consider divorce, but remember the adjustment being a little harder than I thought. I didn’t recall any of this until he mentioned his unhappiness. For the most part, the first year of marriage was happy - we both rated it a 9 out of 10 to the counselor. However, the initial adjustment to seeing one another all the time was a little tricky. We had a lot of adjustments other than marriage/moving in together - his new job, a move away from family, purchasing a home and making renovations to it, my long commute to work, trying to conceive a baby (which took longer than expected).

So yeah, he sounds like he’s remembering the times he was upset in the past and that is amplified as he’s upset right now. He certainly wasn’t always unhappy.

 

[bernadettefaith]

This is always the risk of involving in-laws. Use your gut feeling on this one and use your commen sense. What kind of relationship do you have with you MIL? Is it an open one?

Well I would talk to both parents most likely. His dad seems to be more the “mothering” type than his mom. It’s hard to describe them, but that’s the role he seems to play.

I have no idea how it would go. The reason I doubt it would help is because I fear these things happening

1. I talk to his parents and they immediately side with him. They pressure him to file for divorce immediately for his happiness.
2. I talk to his parents and they try to talk him out of a divorce. He resents them and me for this. I’ve never known him to change his mind on anything just because his parents said so.

Honestly, I think the second scenario is more likely. I don’t think his parents would support his decision. That’s my gut feeling. But there’s always the risk that I talk to them and they immediately defend him, making things worse

 

[bernadettefaith]

I agree. My husband was somewhat slow to mature by my reckoning. He went through the exact same thing when he was in his late 20’s and early 30’s. He realized he didn’t have the perfect life and perfect wife he thought he’d have back when he was a kid. Oh snap reality happened!

So he started thinking maybe he didn’t really love me and maybe he should leave, go back to college, start a new life with a more fit and career minded woman etc etc. He eventually grew out of it without counseling but that is only because we didn’t have insurance or the money to pay for therapy. Also, I tried to appease him and be all sensitive and such, but then I got sick of it and lost my grip. I gave him a serious verbal dose of reality, told him to grow the freak up, and then I told him he was welcome to leave if he felt he needed to, but once he was gone he would not be welcome back so he’d better think real hard. Going on strike and making him take care of his own meals and laundry, etc. for a few days also really helped.

I hope I’d be the MIL that smacks her adult son upside the head for treating his wife that way…

I have tried the verbal dose of reality. Haven’t really noticed a change, especially if it’s coming from me. Haven’t tried to tell him to leave if he wants to. He always says that he isn’t sure if he wants to leave or not - and doesn’t have anywhere to go temporarily. Even hotels are booked full right now due to the gas and oil industry. His parents live in a different state so he can’t take his take home vehicle there. I don’t believe he has any close friends who will take him in. I’m conflicted about that. As long as he’s willing to see the counselor should I pressure him to do more? I don’t know if I’m at the point when I want to pull out the “last resort” stuff or not. Hope that makes sense

 

[bernadettefaith]

OMG! Mine freaks out too and takes FOREVER to make a decision on anything like a new house, car, marrying me , having a baby, etc.

I really envy women that have husbands that are don’t go into crisis mode everytime life happens.

See…I’m the one who does that in this relationship! Other than getting married, I was pretty sure about that part. We dated for 6 1/2 years though so we had plenty of time to think about it first. He’s always quicker to make a decision than I am. Of course, with the baby thing it was easier for him to want another one because he didn’t have to be pregnant, experience complications, and have major surgery.

It seems like my husband and I might have the traditional “gender roles” reversed in some ways. Not in all ways, but he’s into some things that others might consider to be “female” like he believes in love at first sight, a “soulmate”, romance. He wants to feel a “spark” and doesn’t want intimacy without one. He can be very sensitive and can get his feelings hurt easily. He’s more the artsy, sensitive type and I’m more the logical type - though I can be sensitive too sometimes.

 

[Artar1]

Bernadette,

You may have mentioned it before but what does your husband do for a living?

Since June, what has changed? And when was your last child born? It wasn’t June, correct?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Bernadette,

You may have mentioned it before but what does your husband do for a living?

Since June, what has changed? And when was your last child born? It wasn’t June, correct?

He works in law enforcement. Generally 50-60 hrs a week.

Our last child was born last December so was almost 6 mos old when this changed. My fertility had returned that month (lactation amenorrhea) but I don’t know that fear of pregnancy changed anything because my husband doesn’t necessarily trust lactation amenorrhea or NFP - though they worked in the past. We’ve been married almost 7 yrs and have only two very well planned (1 yr trying each baby) pregnancies.

The “last straw” as he says was that in June he had the revelation that I wasn’t enjoying sex and I was never “in the mood”. I’d had a hard time getting back into the swing of things after the baby. I guess he felt extremely rejected for a while because during pregnancy and postpartum 6 mos I was not into it at all. About a week later, he told me of all of the other things that had been upsetting him. From what he’s saying now, the things that bother him the most are my past anger, his regrets about settling down too soon, and my rejection. At least that’s what I think it is. I’m about as confused as he is.

He didn’t immediately stop all physical contact with me. We worked on getting me “in the mood” and were successful. Then he got to the point where even a quick hug or kiss makes
him angry.

 

[Serap]

I have tried the verbal dose of reality. Haven’t really noticed a change, especially if it’s coming from me. Haven’t tried to tell him to leave if he wants to. He always says that he isn’t sure if he wants to leave or not - and doesn’t have anywhere to go temporarily. Even hotels are booked full right now due to the gas and oil industry. His parents live in a different state so he can’t take his take home vehicle there. I don’t believe he has any close friends who will take him in. I’m conflicted about that. As long as he’s willing to see the counselor should I pressure him to do more? I don’t know if I’m at the point when I want to pull out the “last resort” stuff or not. Hope that makes sense

don’t do anything hasty. take your time. this is not a race…it’s a journey. if it doesn’t feel quite right, don’t do it. trust your gut. you are a smart woman.

 

[Serap]

See…I’m the one who does that in this relationship! Other than getting married, I was pretty sure about that part. We dated for 6 1/2 years though so we had plenty of time to think about it first. He’s always quicker to make a decision than I am. Of course, with the baby thing it was easier for him to want another one because he didn’t have to be pregnant, experience complications, and have major surgery.

It seems like my husband and I might have the traditional “gender roles” reversed in some ways. Not in all ways, but he’s into some things that others might consider to be “female” like he believes in love at first sight, a “soulmate”, romance. He wants to feel a “spark” and doesn’t want intimacy without one. He can be very sensitive and can get his feelings hurt easily. He’s more the artsy, sensitive type and I’m more the logical type - though I can be sensitive too sometimes.

He’s the one with post partum despression haha!

 

[bernadettefaith]

He’s the one with post partum despression haha!

Yeah I read the article and it apparently is a real thing.

He complained to the counselor that I was distant and barely hugged or kissed him in the first few months after the baby was born. That may have been true; I honestly don’t recall. I may have had a bit of the baby blues or been too busy/distracted. It’s been a while
so I don’t remember specific events. I do remember not having much interest in sex and he’s right that I did it out of obligation. That was due to hormones mostly. The counselor acknowledged that it can be normal for hormones to be crazy after
giving birth.

Not sure if it’s relevant but the birth had some complications. A routine ultrasound showed complications and the baby had to be taken quickly by c-section when I had hoped to have a vaginal birth that time. I was upset though not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I suppose that my unhappiness could have transferred to him - though by June that all had past and I had come to terms with it.

 

[Serap]

He works in law enforcement. Generally 50-60 hrs a week.

Our last child was born last December so was almost 6 mos old when this changed. My fertility had returned that month (lactation amenorrhea) but I don’t know that fear of pregnancy changed anything because my husband doesn’t necessarily trust lactation amenorrhea or NFP - though they worked in the past. We’ve been married almost 7 yrs and have only two very well planned (1 yr trying each baby) pregnancies.

The “last straw” as he says was that in June he had the revelation that I wasn’t enjoying sex and I was never “in the mood”. I’d had a hard time getting back into the swing of things after the baby. I guess he felt extremely rejected for a while because during pregnancy and postpartum 6 mos I was not into it at all. About a week later, he told me of all of the other things that had been upsetting him. From what he’s saying now, the things that bother him the most are my past anger, his regrets about settling down too soon, and my rejection. At least that’s what I think it is. I’m about as confused as he is.

He didn’t immediately stop all physical contact with me. We worked on getting me “in the mood” and were successful. Then he got to the point where even a quick hug or kiss makes
him angry.

Sounds like he was really hurt when u rejected him. Now he’s afraid of abandonment again, so he’s pushing you away. Anger generally comes from fear. He maybe fears being hurt or you getting pregnant again b/c he doesn’t want you to become emotionally unavailable again.

You guys are really getting somewhere!!!

 

[Serap]

Yeah I read the article and it apparently is a real thing.

He complained to the counselor that I was distant and barely hugged or kissed him in the first few months after the baby was born. That may have been true; I honestly don’t recall. I may have had a bit of the baby blues or been too busy/distracted. It’s been a while
so I don’t remember specific events. I do remember not having much interest in sex and he’s right that I did it out of obligation. That was due to hormones mostly. The counselor acknowledged that it can be normal for hormones to be crazy after
giving birth.

Not sure if it’s relevant but the birth had some complications. A routine ultrasound showed complications and the baby had to be taken quickly by c-section when I had hoped to have a vaginal birth that time. I was upset though not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I suppose that my unhappiness could have transferred to him - though by June that all had past and I had come to terms with it.

and now it’s his turn to come to terms with everything. I think you guys can get through this!

 

[bernadettefaith]

and now it’s his turn to come to terms with everything. I think you guys can get through this!

Thanks! The counselor keeps saying that she believes that time and having fun together will help us both heal. I hope so!

 

[Serap]

Thanks! The counselor keeps saying that she believes that time and having fun together will help us both heal. I hope so!

You will soon be having fun with the kids… Hubby and I have a blast now when we go out. We are going to an amusement park tomorrow. It’s so much more fun now and I have heard from people that it keeps getting better.

 

[Artar1]

I have a better feel for what may be going on.

The symptoms of your marital conflict seem to be, in no particular order, anger—his and yours—your not being in the mood, and your husband feeling regretful and rejected.

In no particular order, the causes may be one or more of the following: 1) a breakdown in communication; 2) a disruption in intimacy; 3) feelings of rejection, mainly your husband’s; 4) mutual dissatisfaction. Item 4 includes expressed and unexpressed complaints.

Also, both of you may be bringing family of origin issues to your marriage that will need to be identified and resolved. Your therapist can help you with that.

Does your not being in the mood have any connection with your implementation of NFP?

Also, you may have some incompatibility regarding faith. You mentioned that your husband was a Catholic, but now has issues with the Church. What is your relationship with Catholicism? Are you devout, especially concerning issues affecting sexuality and marriage? This last question is meant to be more rhetorical in nature because you may not wish to discuss that matter here.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I have a better feel for what may be going on.

The symptoms of your marital conflict seem to be, in no particular order, anger—his and yours—your not being in the mood, and your husband feeling regretful and rejected.

In no particular order, the causes may be one or more of the following: 1) a breakdown in communication; 2) a disruption in intimacy; 3) feelings of rejection, mainly your husband’s; 4) mutual dissatisfaction. Item 4 includes expressed and unexpressed complaints.

Also, both of you may be bringing family of origin issues to your marriage that will need to be identified and resolved. Your therapist can help you with that.

Does your not being in the mood have any connection with your implementation of NFP?

Also, you may have some incompatibility regarding faith. You mentioned that your husband was a Catholic, but now has issues with the Church. What is your relationship with Catholicism? Are you devout, especially concerning issues affecting sexuality and marriage? This last question is meant to be more rhetorical in nature because you may not wish to discuss that matter here.

The therapist asks about the family of origin issues and we’ve discussed them there to some extent. But she also warns us not to compare our relationship to our parents’ relationships.

My not being in the mood was mostly before my cycle returned. So I believe it was hormonal. Before that, it was pregnancy. I could not really get into it during pregnancy. Other contributing factors may have been the fact that our dd stopped taking naps so intimacy was rushed and infrequent - he’s either at work overnight or going to bed early so nap time was our usual time for that. We worked on it for a month and together we were able to get me “in the mood” again as my fertility had returned and hormones weren’t so crazy. He noticed that I was doing better but things weren’t getting better on his end and intimacy was only making him angry.

Ok as far as the last question, I try to follow church teachings but I suppose I’m not 100% devout. Please don’t judge me for my decisions/thoughts. I may need to duck here…but as far as the vasectomy issue - if we had a 3rd unplanned pregnancy while using NFP then I would most likely agree to the vasectomy. I’d even be ok with a vasectomy or condom use right now if that’s his main issue (discussed this in the past) - he knows this and I don’t believe it makes a difference. I would prefer not to do anything permenant but I do not desire another pregnancy and don’t feel it’s worth losing my marriage over. His main disagreement with the church as far as birth control goes is the teachings on sterilization and barrier methods. As far as church teaching on marriage, I never knew that he disagreed on the church’s view on divorce and remarriage. I suppose that might be because he never considered getting divorced until now. I’m not sure. I do know that those are his main issues with the church. He feels that he doesn’t need a church to worship and that he doesn’t get much from attending mass.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Oh and he is now ok with sex before marriage and cohabitation while I am not. Not sure if that matters though because we are married

 

[Artar1]

Let me say, from a feeling standpoint, your marriage is very savable.

Before I say more, however, I want to spend some time reflecting upon what you have written and devote some time reading the Bible.

Often what is communicated to me from the Bible does not come directly from the written word per se but through other means, mostly through my feelings or intuition. It was also true of my mother-in-law as she read the KJV for more than 90 years until her death.

And please don’t feel that I’m judging you. I’m a sinner. Only God can judge us, and my feeling is he’s very much on your side and your husband’s. He wants you both to be happy; I feel that to be true. Nothing else is possible or even desirable.

There are things you will need to do to bring back genuine feeling in your relationship. It won’t be easy. I will need time to think about what I will say next. I don’t want to speak hastily. And it may not come all at once. I might even need to revise what I say because something better will come to mind. I’m not a perfect person.

First off, though, you and your husband are overwhelmed by your respective duties.

Your husband will need to cut back on the number of hours he spends on the job. What type of police work does he do? How dangerous is it? What kind of things does he see on the job? For example, does he respond to terrible traffic accidents? Does he work in vice? Does he work under cover? Does he interact with gangs, drug dealers, or prostitutes? Police officers see the worst of humanity and their work is dangerous.

And in your situation, one of the most difficult jobs we have in life is being a parent.

Think of the magnitude of that job for a moment, and I not just referring to the day-to-day tasks. The demands of childrearing can break us if were not careful.

As you know, children require a lot of care and guidance and have nearly unlimited energy. When they get older, they ask a million questions and want endless attention. They need it if they are to develop normally.

I must say it’s very helpful that you are a teacher and have your Catholic faith. You are so better equipped than most.

So if anyone says that a stay-at-home mom is not glamorous or unimportant, that person is simply delusional.