Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

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bernadettefaith said:
Yeah she’s across the country so we’d have to Skype with her instead of in person, but I think she might help.
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don’t be discouraged by skype…it’s really not that different than being in person. You get the same dialogue and you can see the other person. AND you can do it in the comfort of your home.

Make sure you ask for assignments that can bring you guys closer together.

Good for you for being so resourceful. You are really a strong woman and I bet he really appreciates all you are doing to save the marriage.
 
Bernadettefaith says:

“She tells me individually that there might be another cause of his anxiety but in couple’s sessions she doesn’t say anything when he insists that I’m the sole cause of all of his problems.”

That is so not cool. That’s pretty basic, not to let a client get away with blaming all of their problems on other people.

“Whenever I express concern about the lack of suggestions from her, she just tells me that therapists don’t have all the answers. I get that, really I do, but to not have a single suggestion other than “have fun together” doesn’t really help. I don’t expect miracles but I also don’t think that it’s productive to have every session become a free for all.”

You’re right to expect more from her.

“I’m talking to a therapist over the phone today. She specializes in law enforcement therapy and counseled NYPD after 9/11. Maybe she can help me.”

That is very promising and she should have some cred with your husband.

Serap said:

“Make sure you ask for assignments that can bring you guys closer together.”

Yes!
 
I don’t know what to think. I actually liked the counselor tonight for my individual session. Maybe she’s just not cut out for marriage counseling. She seems to do much better individually. I didn’t end up telling her to stop comparing me to her ex because I chickened out :o. I hate confrontation.

She told me once again that she believes that there’s some kind of trauma he’s dealing with but she doesn’t know what it is. He won’t admit to anything. He insists that work isn’t stressful. If she thinks that something other than me is causing his stress then why try to support his thoughts of divorce?

Regardless, I think his issues are bigger than she can solve so I’m going to be looking elsewhere.
 
The trauma could be something that he isn’t consciously aware of, most commonly surrounding a death or major change. Death of parent or sibling or perhaps experiencing a life threatening situation. Crisis can often be triggered by these things subconsciously.
If she thinks that something other than me is causing his stress then why try to support his thoughts of divorce?
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As I said earlier, it’s probably not that she supports his thoughts of divorce, but it’s important that he experiences everything his going through without that sense of being ‘trapped’. She’s most probably seen it before and would definitely have learned the theory of it in her counselling training.
 
It seems significant that in your individual sessions the counselor is telling you…there may be a reason for his anxiety…then he denies work etc in joint session leaving you feeling blamed for the ways he is describing his anxiety.

The counselor isn’t supposed to reveal what they learn thru the individual sessions either through disclosure or observation. They encourage you to discuss your issues as you see them to help you embrace healthier ways to cope with what you see.

I can totally relate to having a great individual session and then feeling beat up in joint session. One partner changing quicker than the other. He may not know WHERE his anxiety stems from but feels secure at work and anxious at home. (Wondering if therapist was trying to say this when she mentioned his anxiety may have other origins?)

Does he feel like he’s benefiting or learning more about himself in his individual sessions?

Praying for you both!
 
LongingSoul said:
The trauma could be something that he isn’t consciously aware of, most commonly surrounding a death or major change. Death of parent or sibling or perhaps experiencing a life threatening situation. Crisis can often be triggered by these things subconsciously.

As I said earlier, it’s probably not that she supports his thoughts of divorce, but it’s important that he experiences everything his going through without that sense of being ‘trapped’. She’s most probably seen it before and would definitely have learned the theory of it in her counselling training.
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No deaths of parents. He’s in life threatening situations all the time at work. I’m not aware of any particular recent incident because he refuses to speak about work.

When she talks about her personal life, she usually brings up how her ex husband was so angry and her current husband is not angry. So it sounds like she’s saying that her life was greatly improved by divorce - as if it would greatly improve dh’s life as well. Maybe that’s just my impression but it does bug me. I guess I should have been more assertive and insist that she not compare me to her ex.
 
Bernadettefaith said:

“I’m not aware of any particular recent incident because he refuses to speak about work.”

That’s interesting.
 
He used to but he’s stopped in the last few months. He says it’s me - that he doesn’t feel like talking to me 🤷
 
LROH said:
It seems significant that in your individual sessions the counselor is telling you…there may be a reason for his anxiety…then he denies work etc in joint session leaving you feeling blamed for the ways he is describing his anxiety.

The counselor isn’t supposed to reveal what they learn thru the individual sessions either through disclosure or observation. They encourage you to discuss your issues as you see them to help you embrace healthier ways to cope with what you see.

I can totally relate to having a great individual session and then feeling beat up in joint session. One partner changing quicker than the other. He may not know WHERE his anxiety stems from but feels secure at work and anxious at home. (Wondering if therapist was trying to say this when she mentioned his anxiety may have other origins?)

Does he feel like he’s benefiting or learning more about himself in his individual sessions?

Praying for you both!
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I’m not sure. He seems to enjoy his individual sessions. But he seems to be encouraged not to feel guilty…so then he ends up blaming it all on me.
 
I knew hubby was a momma’s boy when we married, at that time I thought it endearing that he respected his mom and valued her opinion. Till she didn’t get her way.

29 years, umpteen counselors, two retrouvaille later and a year into seeing a female counselor he was afraid to risk revealing issues we argued about…ready to jump ship…I asked why would you throw away a year with this therapist because you are afraid to say something? Won’t you be just as afraid to say the words somewhere else and then have to also waste time laying all the foundation and get to know ya stuff? He took that risk…Friday told me wow not only was she receptive but she has experience with these issues…then of course he feels scared all weekend and blows on Sunday being removed by police.

Last night he tells me…
He was upset with an email I sent Monday and showed it to therapist @ emergency session yesterday. To prove how unreasonable and crazy I am:)

It wasn’t the discussion opener I thought…turns out he felt bullied right back after being removed by police…didn’t turn out the way he thought either… as the counselor replied…she’s very reasonable, upset but reasonable…why do you have a problem with this?

“I never knew I was trying to make you my mother” I about fell on the floor, never in a million years dawned on me that he felt threatened by me as a mother figure, I’m his wife, his partner not his parent.

Always knew he was scared of momma…but never thought he carried that anxiety into every female relationship. Until he stuck it out for over a year with a female therapist.

Not trying to imply your hubby has momma issues…only that this is living proof he may not know where his anxiety comes from, and what may be reasonable to us can be threatening to another.

Still praying and hope this helps
 
bernadettefaith said:
I’m not sure. He seems to enjoy his individual sessions. But he seems to be encouraged not to feel guilty…so then he ends up blaming it all on me.
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Have you read The Dance of Anger? I know it’s not Catholic but it is sound.

If he is saying he is afraid of your temper and blaming you it’s a viscous circle…the blame game. Throughout the years I’d often get frustrated that I was changing but he wasn’t. He wanted me to do all the relationship work:) he didn’t want me to do all the work, just wanted me to see the work he was doing.

That was hard because he’d often be working on something very different than what I thought he ought to fix right then. Kinda like spending the whole day taking care of sick children, docs, pharmacy, dosing medicine, trying to keep up on cleaning day and he notices you didn’t get to the vacuuming…arrrrrrgh makes him wish he never said a word…he was trying to point out…I see you had a rough day when you didn’t get to do all you like to do. Which of course you’re too stressed to hear anyway so…it’s like hi I’m so glad to see you, please play with that one while I corral this one :eek: 🙂
 
“He seems to enjoy his individual sessions. But he seems to be encouraged not to feel guilty…so then he ends up blaming it all on me.”

Wow, that’s very unfortunate and also very not-clear-on-the-concept.

Good luck with your next counselor.
 
I understand it totally…hubby had tons of guilt over divided loyalty between MIL overbearing wishes and putting his family first. I’d be upset he was bullying me to give into her wishes at our expense…ie planned a restaurant gathering for grad party …they were invited but would only come if we changed it to a party at our home. I felt you’re a guest and want to change the party venue? He felt fear of their rejection and awful guilt for how he was pushing me to accommodate them. He had the added guilt of its your fault…if you lived here I’d throw her a nice party tossed in.

So PhD had to help me see that he was so wrapped up in guilt and fear that he needed space to look at his thoughts and behaviors to consider change. The blaming it all on wife is simple…as long as its your fault…it’s not mine and I don’t have to change. Till they get into private session and explore…guilt shame anger and the thoughts that lead to them.

Obvious touching hot stove leads to hurt finger…not obvious frustrated, angry etc.
 
LROH said:
I understand it totally…hubby had tons of guilt over divided loyalty between MIL overbearing wishes and putting his family first. I’d be upset he was bullying me to give into her wishes at our expense…ie planned a restaurant gathering for grad party …they were invited but would only come if we changed it to a party at our home. I felt you’re a guest and want to change the party venue? He felt fear of their rejection and awful guilt for how he was pushing me to accommodate them. He had the added guilt of its your fault…if you lived here I’d throw her a nice party tossed in.

So PhD had to help me see that he was so wrapped up in guilt and fear that he needed space to look at his thoughts and behaviors to consider change. The blaming it all on wife is simple…as long as its your fault…it’s not mine and I don’t have to change. Till they get into private session and explore…guilt shame anger and the thoughts that lead to them.

Obvious touching hot stove leads to hurt finger…not obvious frustrated, angry etc.
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I looked into some actual psychologists but few do couple’s counseling. The one that did was unable to take us so referred us to the current lady. This one has a MA in counseling. I’ve never known the difference between a counselor and a psychologist. I really don’t know what goes on in their individual sessions but we both come to the couple’s session reporting that we are trying not to blame ourselves. Because I was concerned about this counselor, I told him that she tells me not to blame myself. So then he was surprised and said, “That’s interesting. Do you think she’s putting us against each other? Who is supposed to take responsibility?” She tells me that she asks him about other sources of stress and he always says that there’s nothing.

She asked me if he takes something for his panic and I told her that he refuses during the hiring process. She reassured me that if he doesn’t pass the psych eval that it isn’t my fault. He did say that he’d consider meds once he knows the final decision.
 
Oh and I almost forgot - the counselor was surprised when I told her that he brought up intimacy with me. She thought from our last session that he was leaning totally out. I reminded her that he said that he wanted to give it a try and says he’s willing to stick around for a year. IMO she shouldn’t act as if he’s totally out.

I brought up the seduction suggestion and she agreed that it would be a good idea to at least suggest that we try intimacy again. The lack of intimacy certainly isn’t helping our relationship and I believe is making it way worse. I figure that sexual frustration isn’t good for anxiety on either side so it can’t hurt to try. He even says that back when we were intimate he had a lot more patience with me. She doesn’t think he would bring it up if he didn’t want to try on some level. She said that maybe I should pitch it to him as a suggestion for dealing with all of the anxiety.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I looked into some actual psychologists but few do couple’s counseling. The one that did was unable to take us so referred us to the current lady. This one has a MA in counseling. I’ve never known the difference between a counselor and a psychologist. I really don’t know what goes on in their individual sessions but we both come to the couple’s session reporting that we are trying not to blame ourselves. Because I was concerned about this counselor, I told him that she tells me not to blame myself. So then he was surprised and said, “That’s interesting. Do you think she’s putting us against each other? Who is supposed to take responsibility?” She tells me that she asks him about other sources of stress and he always says that there’s nothing.

She asked me if he takes something for his panic and I told her that he refuses during the hiring process. She reassured me that if he doesn’t pass the psych eval that it isn’t my fault. He did say that he’d consider meds once he knows the final decision.
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I think your DH needs a psychologist for himself, not as a marriage counselor. A good psychologist will help him cope with whatever is causing the anxieties and a good one won’t buy it’s all the wife. A good one will skillfully question him, lead discussions, and eventually get to the bottom of the problem.

Not talking to anyone except maybe other law enforcement is pretty common. A psychologist with experience with law enforcement would probably be best because they understand what that job does to a person and how to get the officer to talk about it and acknowledge the danger and stress involved.

I wonder if your DH is in denial because he loves his job and doesn’t want to admit to himself or anyone else that the job is a source of stress and anxiety. So, he blames you. Not to mention that there is a certain mentality in play here. Law enforcement officers don’t want to admit to stress and anxiety because they’re supposed to be able to handle anything without batting an eye. They don’t want to appear “weak”.

Hopefully, you’ll get a therapist for the marriage and a psychologist for the hubby who are both law enforcement experienced and can really help.
 
MJJean said:
I think your DH needs a psychologist for himself, not as a marriage counselor. A good psychologist will help him cope with whatever is causing the anxieties and a good one won’t buy it’s all the wife. A good one will skillfully question him, lead discussions, and eventually get to the bottom of the problem.

Not talking to anyone except maybe other law enforcement is pretty common. A psychologist with experience with law enforcement would probably be best because they understand what that job does to a person and how to get the officer to talk about it and acknowledge the danger and stress involved.

I wonder if your DH is in denial because he loves his job and doesn’t want to admit to himself or anyone else that the job is a source of stress and anxiety. So, he blames you. Not to mention that there is a certain mentality in play here. Law enforcement officers don’t want to admit to stress and anxiety because they’re supposed to be able to handle anything without batting an eye. They don’t want to appear “weak”.

Hopefully, you’ll get a therapist for the marriage and a psychologist for the hubby who are both law enforcement experienced and can really help.
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I hope so too. I doubt anyone locally is experienced with law enforcement. I haven’t heard back from the skype counselor yet but she might be promising. The current counselor said that most cops she talks to admit to stress in their job while dh always tells her that the job is not stressful. She thinks he’s in denial.

Until the hiring process is over, I don’t think he can see a psychologist for himself. This counseling is all under my name for insurance purposes as “individual counseling” with my husband just as a participant. That’s our round about way of getting it covered which I hear is commonplace, especially if one party suffers from depression/anxiety.
 
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