Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[MJJean]

I hope so too. I doubt anyone locally is experienced with law enforcement. I haven’t heard back from the skype counselor yet but she might be promising. The current counselor said that most cops she talks to admit to stress in their job while dh always tells her that the job is not stressful. She thinks he’s in denial.

Until the hiring process is over, I don’t think he can see a psychologist for himself. This counseling is all under my name for insurance purposes as “individual counseling” with my husband just as a participant. That’s our round about way of getting it covered which I hear is commonplace, especially if one party suffers from depression/anxiety.

Why can’t he see someone by himself? Is it the insurance thing or is he worried it would hurt his chances of getting hired?

Totally not surprised other officers admit to stress. But there is a difference between admitting the job is causing stress and admitting the job is causing stress, anxiety attacks, and marital troubles.

" I’m a cop. My job is stressful, but I can handle it." = manly and strong. No problem here that Cop can’t deal with while going on with his life and working the job he loves.

" I’m a cop. I love my job, but it’s causing me stress and I’m freaking out and having these anxiety attacks. Also, I am married with young kids and my stress and anxiety are causing marital troubles. I can’t feel close to my wife and we aren’t intimate anymore because I am so bothered by…everything." = weak. Makes Cop wonder if maybe he isn’t cut out for law enforcement. Also makes him wonder if he should quit law enforcement, which he loves, because if he doesn’t he may lose his wife and family, not to mention what the job is doing to his mental and physical health (stress hormones are not good for the body).

Truth is, anyone working as a police officer, fire fighter, military, etc is under a lot of pressure and those jobs are very stressful. A lot of those men and women see psychiatrists to vent and learn coping skills. A lot of them question their career choices and periodically reevaluate. No shame in that, but not a lot of those folks want to admit to needing the help.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Why can’t he see someone by himself? Is it the insurance thing or is he worried it would hurt his chances of getting hired?

Totally not surprised other officers admit to stress. But there is a difference between admitting the job is causing stress and admitting the job is causing stress, anxiety attacks, and marital troubles.

" I’m a cop. My job is stressful, but I can handle it." = manly and strong. No problem here that Cop can’t deal with while going on with his life and working the job he loves.

" I’m a cop. I love my job, but it’s causing me stress and I’m freaking out and having these anxiety attacks. Also, I am married with young kids and my stress and anxiety are causing marital troubles. I can’t feel close to my wife and we aren’t intimate anymore because I am so bothered by…everything." = weak. Makes Cop wonder if maybe he isn’t cut out for law enforcement. Also makes him wonder if he should quit law enforcement, which he loves, because if he doesn’t he may lose his wife and family, not to mention what the job is doing to his mental and physical health (stress hormones are not good for the body).

Truth is, anyone working as a police officer, fire fighter, military, etc is under a lot of pressure and those jobs are very stressful. A lot of those men and women see psychiatrists to vent and learn coping skills. A lot of them question their career choices and periodically reevaluate. No shame in that, but not a lot of those folks want to admit to needing the help.

He’s afraid that they will consider him unstable and this will disqualify him from being hired.

I also wonder if he has some kind of work addiction. Work is his life and comes before just about everything. He does very little other than go to work and come home.

 

[MJJean]

He’s afraid that they will consider him unstable and this will disqualify him from being hired.

I also wonder if he has some kind of work addiction. Work is his life and comes before just about everything. He does very little other than go to work and come home.

My husband also does very little but go to work and come home. I think, for him, a lot of that is he is just too tired to go do anything else. Plus, his friends were “late bloomers” and didn’t marry and have kids as young as my DH did, so they are at different phases of life. A lot of his friends are just now marrying and trying to have babies or having their first babies while my DH married me almost 11 years ago and I came equipped with 2 daughters and we have a son together.

Not exactly easy to go hang out with your friends when they’re single and you have a family. They were footloose and fancy free while we were taking care of young kids. Just about when the friends settled down and had kids taking up most of their time, our kids got old enough that we had much more freedom. My DH was just talking over the weekend about how he really needs “a break” and to go “do something” that’s not work or at home. He’s getting stressed and really needs some time out.

I’d be worried about your DH not doing anything much but work and come home. He needs something to blow off steam and release that tension. Something else I am surprised the therapist didn’t mention. How can he be expected to be content with his home life if he’s carrying around stress and tension from work and the only place he can let even some of it out is at home? Everyone needs some time for themselves to and this is especially important for those who work high pressure/high stress jobs.

He needs some kind of relief valve. Something he can do to get rid of stress and tension and relax. Sometimes hobbies like model building or something else that requires mental focus can work. Other times something like a sport or strenuous physical activity is better. Some guys even need both. Really depends on the person. Any way you could get him to spin an interest into a way to blow off steam?

We play video games. For us it’s a mental workout and requires focus to be any good and it’s social without spending a ton of money or having to travel. We also go to the gym. I, personally, really like training the dogs for a relaxation. Dogs can be medicinal ! My dad used to play baseball on a city league. My closest GF bowls on a league and her fiance referees hockey for a local league.

Whatever could work for him based on his likes, try suggesting it. Maybe he doesn’t know he needs to blow off steam but would feel a lot better if he had an outlet.

I don’t know if seeing a psychiatrist would make him seem unstable or not. I’ve heard that some cities/counties require their officers to meet monthly or more with a therapist, but that’s post hire. In any case, if he thinks seeing someone would hurt his chances it would just make him more stressed and anxious and probably wouldn’t do any good. Might be best to wait until he’s either hired or not.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Well he does play video games and work out. He just doesn’t go to a gym to do it as we have a treadmill and TV set up downstairs in our basement. He’s not into group workouts and running at home is cheaper.

He likes to chat with friends about guns and go to the range. He can’t do that often though because he doesn’t get done with work until after dark and we don’t have any indoor range nearby. He did meet up with his online friends to shoot a bunch of guns. That’s his main hobby but ammo too expensive to go frequently. I’m sure it’s good stress relief though.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I talked to the law enforcement counselor and she reassured me that I am not the scariest thing Dh has ever seen. She said that they always say things like that. She also said that the average counselor isn’t going to know anything about law enforcement officers because it’s not just a job - it’s a lifestyle. So she told me to have Dh call her. He looked over her site first and was impressed by her credentials. I’m hoping he calls her soon.

 

[MJJean]

Well he does play video games and work out. He just doesn’t go to a gym to do it as we have a treadmill and TV set up downstairs in our basement. He’s not into group workouts and running at home is cheaper.

He likes to chat with friends about guns and go to the range. He can’t do that often though because he doesn’t get done with work until after dark and we don’t have any indoor range nearby. He did meet up with his online friends to shoot a bunch of guns. That’s his main hobby but ammo too expensive to go frequently. I’m sure it’s good stress relief though.

Maybe he just needs to broaden his horizons or even look at non-traditional hobbies. A friends dad was great at gardening and felt it very relaxing, for example. Heck, maybe he could write as a way to “talk” and let it all out. He needn’t read it to anyone or allow anyone to read it unless he wants to. He could even just vent on the computer Notepad program and delete it right after.

I actually started doing that when my husband was particularly frustrating me a few months ago. He just wasn’t getting it and I thought writing it out would help him understand what was going on with me. I wrote him a long letter and then kept adding to it whenever he was on my nerve (I just have the one nerve left!). I was almost shocked at how much better I felt and I was more able to let things go and move on. He’s never read it, but that doesn’t matter. I got to vent and get it all out of my system.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Got an appointment with a new counselor in a few weeks. He just has to double check that it works out on our insurance. He doesn’t suggest divorce as an option (other than separation for domestic violence). He said that he did have experience with working with cops. I’m hoping this one works out better and that Dh likes him.

 

[LROH]

I looked into some actual psychologists but few do couple’s counseling. The one that did was unable to take us so referred us to the current lady. This one has a MA in counseling. I’ve never known the difference between a counselor and a psychologist. I really don’t know what goes on in their individual sessions but we both come to the couple’s session reporting that we are trying not to blame ourselves. Because I was concerned about this counselor, I told him that she tells me not to blame myself. So then he was surprised and said, “That’s interesting. Do you think she’s putting us against each other? Who is supposed to take responsibility?” She tells me that she asks him about other sources of stress and he always says that there’s nothing.

She asked me if he takes something for his panic and I told her that he refuses during the hiring process. She reassured me that if he doesn’t pass the psych eval that it isn’t my fault. He did say that he’d consider meds once he knows the final decision.

A counselor is usually defined by their education…MSW is Masters Social Work, a MA in counseling is a Masters in Counseling, lots are working towards their PHD which is additional training and the difference to me is a wall where they present more of their training and less of their personal life. The first counselor i ever saw was a Phd and he explained it to me this way…you’re coming here to find out about you, not me. When we moved I needed to start over and wowsa I knew more about the MSW in two sessions than phd over years of “tune up work” all of them are good and effective…all depends on style of therapy you need or prefer.

The counselor has no reason to pit you against each other…she does have a reason to help each of you to stop blaming yourselves and each other.

Has he been medically evaluated for his panic? It’s certainly understandable why he’d hold off if he is is application process. She’s right, there’s no way YOU could affect the responses he chooses to fill in or the verbal responses he gives. Have you been concerned that you’d affect his eval?

 

[bernadettefaith]

He’s never been evaluated for the panic. I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.

The new counselor is also just a MA in counseling. Also has MA in sacred scripture though his practice isn’t specifically Catholic. Very few of the options who accept our ins and do marriage counseling are PhD.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Oh and in other news, his new schedule with his current job will be steady day shift. He’s never had a steady schedule before. The only downfall to day shift is that I won’t have him to watch the kids in order to sub or do field experience for my Master’s degree. He will only have one weekday off.

 

[LROH]

He’s never been evaluated for the panic. I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.

The new counselor is also just a MA in counseling. Also has MA in sacred scripture though his practice isn’t specifically Catholic. Very few of the options who accept our ins and do marriage counseling are PhD.

Sounds like a smart cookie…double major isn’t a easy feat.

PhD typically won’t do marriage counseling as they have already paid their dues and it doesn’t require a PhD to treat marital discord. They treat individuals who often have marital and other relationship issues.

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith said:

“I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.”

Along with the panic, the blaming is going to be the big thing to work on with your counselor. The right counselor is really going to hate that and challenge him for doing that. There shouldn’t be a relationship get out of jail card where he can say, “You screwed up in September 2011 by arguing with my mom/forgetting my birthday/putting a big dent in the car. I get to win every argument from now on.”

 

[LROH]

Oh and in other news, his new schedule with his current job will be steady day shift. He’s never had a steady schedule before. The only downfall to day shift is that I won’t have him to watch the kids in order to sub or do field experience for my Master’s degree. He will only have one weekday off.

Having a steady sleep schedule will make up for everything else! We did years of five week shift rotations it wasn’t nice, even with the steady five week length it was disruptive to both our sleep patterns, more than we knew.

Would he have a steady shift at the new job?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Having a steady sleep schedule will make up for everything else! We did years of five week shift rotations it wasn’t nice, even with the steady five week length it was disruptive to both our sleep patterns, more than we knew.

Would he have a steady shift at the new job?

I believe so. After he goes to the academy (11 weeks of torture with only an occasional 5 min call home).

 

[Serap]

Bernadettefaith said:

“I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.”

Along with the panic, the blaming is going to be the big thing to work on with your counselor. The right counselor is really going to hate that and challenge him for doing that. There shouldn’t be a relationship get out of jail card where he can say, “You screwed up in September 2011 by arguing with my mom/forgetting my birthday/putting a big dent in the car. I get to win every argument from now on.”

 

[Serap]

You ladies are all so amazing for helping BF…

 

[Xantippe]

LROH said:

“PhD typically won’t do marriage counseling as they have already paid their dues and it doesn’t require a PhD to treat marital discord. They treat individuals who often have marital and other relationship issues.”

My MIL has a doctorate in psychology and she has done marriage counseling, but it’s true that she has lately been doing more lucrative work as her practice has matured.

 

[MJJean]

He’s never been evaluated for the panic. I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.

The new counselor is also just a MA in counseling. Also has MA in sacred scripture though his practice isn’t specifically Catholic. Very few of the options who accept our ins and do marriage counseling are PhD.

Is this fellow local or a Skype thing?

Oh and in other news, his new schedule with his current job will be steady day shift. He’s never had a steady schedule before. The only downfall to day shift is that I won’t have him to watch the kids in order to sub or do field experience for my Master’s degree. He will only have one weekday off.

Any chance of getting a sitter so you can do your subbing and field experience? Maybe find a way to get in touch with another local mom trying to get her degree and take turns watching each others kids?

A steady day shift is so nice after a screwy schedule. When my DH was working nights or a wonky swing shift type schedule I was not a happy camper and neither was he. It got worse when he left that job and became a regional driver because he was only home a few nights a week at best and spent most of that time sleeping. When he found a local day job the change did all of us so much good!

Bernadettefaith said:

“I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.”

Along with the panic, the blaming is going to be the big thing to work on with your counselor. The right counselor is really going to hate that and challenge him for doing that. There shouldn’t be a relationship get out of jail card where he can say, “You screwed up in September 2011 by arguing with my mom/forgetting my birthday/putting a big dent in the car. I get to win every argument from now on.”

Wait, what?!?!?! You mean I don’t get to win every argument forever because my DH put a dent in our car a couple years ago? Aww, man.
I still get to win every argument because he doesn’t celebrate “Hallmark holidays”, though, right?

Having a steady sleep schedule will make up for everything else! We did years of five week shift rotations it wasn’t nice, even with the steady five week length it was disruptive to both our sleep patterns, more than we knew.

Would he have a steady shift at the new job?

You know, I didn’t think of that, but I should have! Tons of research says that when our sleep patterns are disrupted we go a bit nutty. If he hasn’t been working the same shift long enough to have adjusted to it and have established a regular sleep schedule that could be part of the problem. For example, if he’s working a certain shift this week and a different shift next week he’d be just getting adjusted sleep wise and then have to readjust. It’d basically be a constant sleep schedule disruption as far as his body is concerned. And that could very well effect how he handles stress, how he thinks, how he reasons, etc.

 

[LROH]

Bernadettefaith said:

“I don’t know that I would blame myself but I feared that he would blame me. He’s starting to acknowledge some responsibility but I still feel as if the majority of the blame is on me.”

Along with the panic, the blaming is going to be the big thing to work on with your counselor. The right counselor is really going to hate that and challenge him for doing that. There shouldn’t be a relationship get out of jail card where he can say, “You screwed up in September 2011 by arguing with my mom/forgetting my birthday/putting a big dent in the car. I get to win every argument from now on.”

Why would he blame you for his evaluation? Feeling like the blame is on you doesn’t make it so!

You’re allowed to be imperfect to make mistakes to have the quirks that make you, you…and so is he

Definitely no get out of jail cards to barter past hurts for future behaviors.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I don’t have any friends who are willing to babysit. Most of my mom friends have at least a few kids (most have 4) and aren’t willing to add 2 more to the mix. Also, the majority homeschool so they are busy during the day. I tried finding friends to babysit so we could go to counseling without relying on my parents but no luck. I understand though. I wouldn’t want to add on 2 extra kids without pay.

The subbing isn’t really essential right now but would be a nice plus to help pay for my education and a newer vehicle. I just had my hopes up because he was considering a steady midnight (his favorite - not a morning person) but liked the people he’d work with on days better. With steady midnight I’d be able to work on both.

Then again, if he gets the job everything would change in March. Regardless, I cannot start the Master’s program until summer/fall and that’s a dream I’d have to give up if he leaves. No way could I work full time (might even have to do 2 jobs), care for the kids, and go to school. At least not while giving the kids the attention they deserve while they are still so young.

Oh and this counselor we would see in person. He doesn’t know if insurance will cover him unless he has a mental health diagnosis other than the relationship. The other counselor had no issue with finding a claim but I’m not sure if she had to tell a white lie or what.