Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[blessedwith3]

Let him know you want him to be happy, and you want to be the one he’s happy with. Focus on what you two can do together to get to that point. I think he knows how you feel, and I am definitely not saying make believe, but change your focus. You want to stay married no matter what, he wants to be happy. So make it where you are happy and together. I don’t know what this entails for you, but go on a date, have someone watch the kids, buy him something nice he wants-try not to focus on all the conversations about staying together/getting divorced and instead talk about other things. (BF don’t get me wrong, this is the hardest situation I have ever been in and I am sure for you also), but try to be- if only for a few minutes, the woman he fell in love with to begin with.

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith said:

“She talked about breaking down the anger walls but nothing really got resolved. She doesn’t really seem to have ideas that would help with the anger.”

Where did this woman get her counseling accreditation–a Cracker Jack box?

“We talked about our views on divorce. I said that I would only leave in case of abuse. She acted like I was crazy for wanting him to stay even if he’s still unhappy in a year.
So basically now Dh thinks I am selfish because I want him to stay regardless. I insisted that we could make the marriage happier and not be unhappy forever. The counselor just didn’t seem to help at all. Now I’m second guessing myself and they both make me feel like a crazy selfish person who wants to preserve marriage at all costs.”

You need a counselor with a stronger hand and a clearer vision of what he or she wants you to achieve in your counseling.

Make sure you ask your next candidates for a syllabus of where you are going to be going with your counseling.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Let him know you want him to be happy, and you want to be the one he’s happy with. Focus on what you two can do together to get to that point. I think he knows how you feel, and I am definitely not saying make believe, but change your focus. You want to stay married no matter what, he wants to be happy. So make it where you are happy and together. I don’t know what this entails for you, but go on a date, have someone watch the kids, buy him something nice he wants-try not to focus on all the conversations about staying together/getting divorced and instead talk about other things. (BF don’t get me wrong, this is the hardest situation I have ever been in and I am sure for you also), but try to be- if only for a few minutes, the woman he fell in love with to begin with.

I’ve tried date nights and it doesn’t seem to phase him. He says he is constantly anxious and angry with me, even when I’m not doing anything.

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith said:

“He says he is constantly anxious and angry with me, even when I’m not doing anything.”

Has it crossed his mind that that points to a problem with him, rather than a problem with you?

 

[Mayita30]

Hello Berndadette

Hope you are doing fine! I think it is not a good idea to get a third party involved (the woman psychologist) bad enough she couldnt handle her problems with her marriage and she will be bringing that baggage in your marriage. It would be best to really seek help from a good priest who deals with matters like this but if it is hard to find I have no other suggestion but to sit back and pray. I feel that you love him to much , you are giving too much without receiving something from him. It is time for him to give but how can he give when you are the one always putting the effort. Maybe you should just focus on yourself. If you have kids and family focus on them too. I guess the more you worry about him the worse it will be.

Hope you are feeling well tonight. I am sure God will bless you for being a good wife.

Hugs

 

[bernadettefaith]

Bernadettefaith said:

“He says he is constantly anxious and angry with me, even when I’m not doing anything.”

Has it crossed his mind that that points to a problem with him, rather than a problem with you?

Well the counselor said that she thinks it must be me. So he’s not really considering much else.

He is fine with seeing a new counselor and I’m grateful for that. I just have to hope and pray that the new one is able to provide some guidance. I doubt he will be open to trying too many other counselors because he still likes this first one.

 

[LROH]

Well the counselor said that she thinks it must be me. So he’s not really considering much else.

He is fine with seeing a new counselor and I’m grateful for that. I just have to hope and pray that the new one is able to provide some guidance. I doubt he will be open to trying too many other counselors because he still likes this first one.

Have you considered seeing someone else on your own? To learn assertiveness? Deal with the stress of the situation? Do you have a catholic charities near you?

Discuss taking the D word and any thing to do with it is off the table until that one year event that he agreed to rolls up for a reassessment of where you are then.
Three months in and this counselor didn’t put that out there? I’m dazed & confused its standard 101 marriage counseling…(gave her benefit of doubt dealing with possible PTSD…not this)

If he’s that sure he wants to go…his words may say “I’ll try for a year” which you want him to do. Unless he stops saying leaving…staying…leaving…he’s more interested in a jet plane than the empty promise. Thats where a GOOD counselor comes in bringing him & you up to task to meet your agreed goals. This one has let him slide far too long. By now we should be hearing a three month progress update. TY To other poster reminder of this part of counseling…goal setting…AFTER the couple states we will work for one year…THAT IS THE PRIMARY GOAL…several smaller goals are a part of this but none is possible if the counselor gets sucked into a back and forth game of manipulation, clearly this lady has…when she didn’t stop dh with something like “we agreed to counseling for a year, discussing anything beyond that is premature at this point” (remindiing him of one year committment before revisiting & reassessing divorce as an option) neither one should be talking about something you agreed to postpone and certainly not in the context of …you aren’t seeing it…that is NOT marriage counseling.
(I pray you will be able to get to Retrouvaille soon)

Agreeing to some ground rules is fair…taking d word off table…she feels threatened
forever all-in expectations off the table is fair too…he feels threatened

You didn’t get married the day you met…it was a day by day committment that grew…you can stay married today, just for today. (Without verbally reminding him of your lifetime devotion…God knows, you know)

Still praying every day for you, DH, and children, God Bless you

 

[bernadettefaith]

Have you considered seeing someone else on your own? To learn assertiveness? Deal with the stress of the situation? Do you have a catholic charities near you?

Discuss taking the D word and any thing to do with it is off the table until that one year event that he agreed to rolls up for a reassessment of where you are then.
Three months in and this counselor didn’t put that out there? I’m dazed & confused its standard 101 marriage counseling…(gave her benefit of doubt dealing with possible PTSD…not this)

If he’s that sure he wants to go…his words may say “I’ll try for a year” which you want him to do. Unless he stops saying leaving…staying…leaving…he’s more interested in a jet plane than the empty promise. Thats where a GOOD counselor comes in bringing him & you up to task to meet your agreed goals. This one has let him slide far too long. By now we should be hearing a three month progress update. TY To other poster reminder of this part of counseling…goal setting…AFTER the couple states we will work for one year…THAT IS THE PRIMARY GOAL…several smaller goals are a part of this but none is possible if the counselor gets sucked into a back and forth game of manipulation, clearly this lady has…when she didn’t stop dh with something like “we agreed to counseling for a year, discussing anything beyond that is premature at this point” (remindiing him of one year committment before revisiting & reassessing divorce as an option) neither one should be talking about something you agreed to postpone and certainly not in the context of …you aren’t seeing it…that is NOT marriage counseling.
(I pray you will be able to get to Retrouvaille soon)

Agreeing to some ground rules is fair…taking d word off table…she feels threatened
forever all-in expectations off the table is fair too…he feels threatened

You didn’t get married the day you met…it was a day by day committment that grew…you can stay married today, just for today. (Without verbally reminding him of your lifetime devotion…God knows, you know)

Still praying every day for you, DH, and children, God Bless you

Thank you.

We’re seeing someone else together within the next few weeks. I can only see one counselor at a time for the insurance purposes. Since they don’t cover marriage counseling they bill it all as “individual counseling”.

She’s aware of the one year period. I guess she just doesn’t care or maybe she thinks she’s helping. She’s never mentioned him not working on the relationship. She just thinks that he’s so traumatized by me that he’s having a hard time with the anger.

 

[MJJean]

We talked about our views on divorce. I said that I would only leave in case of abuse. She acted like I was crazy for wanting him to stay even if he’s still unhappy in a year.

So basically now Dh thinks I am selfish because I want him to stay regardless. I insisted that we could make the marriage happier and not be unhappy forever. The counselor just didn’t seem to help at all. Now I’m second guessing myself and they both make me feel like a crazy selfish person who wants to preserve marriage at all costs.

The counselor sucked, no way around it. You aren’t a selfish crazy person for wanting your husband to honor his vows. What part of Catholic did this counselor not understand? For people of faith religion plays a big part in how they think and how they live their lives. A counselor should understand that a person who is Catholic would want to preserve their marriage at all costs for religious reasons, if nothing else. Yeesh!

If you wanted your DH to stay in a miserable marriage for the rest of his life with no relief in sight, that would be one thing. But you want to make him happy and you want to work to make the marriage better and stronger. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do!

I hate to say it again, but expecting a marriage to be happy all the time is simply not realistic. It’s also not realistic to expect an individual to be happy all of the time. And it’s certainly not realistic to think that ending a marriage will make an unhappy person suddenly happy. Not to mention that a happy marriage takes effort…work… of the part of both spouses and this was something the counselor you were seeing seems to have failed to mention to your DH.

Bernadettefaith said:

“He says he is constantly anxious and angry with me, even when I’m not doing anything.”

Has it crossed his mind that that points to a problem with him, rather than a problem with you?

It may not have crossed his mind as people can be in denial about certain realities, but this is something the counselor should have brought up and explored with both BF and her DH, separately in individual therapy and together in their marriage counseling.

She’s aware of the one year period. I guess she just doesn’t care or maybe she thinks she’s helping. She’s never mentioned him not working on the relationship. She just thinks that he’s so traumatized by me that he’s having a hard time with the anger.

Awfully simplistic, wouldn’t you say? All of the regular posters in this thread seem to agree that there is something more going on here with your DH’s mental health and that it’s not you.

 

[Julianna]

Thank you.

We’re seeing someone else together within the next few weeks. I can only see one counselor at a time for the insurance purposes. Since they don’t cover marriage counseling they bill it all as “individual counseling”.

She’s aware of the one year period. I guess she just doesn’t care or maybe she thinks she’s helping. She’s never mentioned him not working on the relationship. She just thinks that he’s so traumatized by me that he’s having a hard time with the anger.

Horse-hockey. …he is just biding his time. When the sand runs out if the hourglass…he’s gone. You keep trying…you put n the effort…all the effort as a matter of fact. You find the counselors… what does he do? Absolutely nothing… but “I’ll try”. He is upset because he is afraid you’ll get angry? Really? Are you the wicked witch of the west? I hardly think so. He needs to “man up”… I hardly believe he got PTSD because of you… as for his work…it goes with the territory. If you lived in nyc ir Detroit. …I could understand PTSD…

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith said:

“She just thinks that he’s so traumatized by me that he’s having a hard time with the anger.”

Then he should have been working on the trauma, if that was the problem. (And saying the same thing over and over again in therapy is not “working on the trauma”–as we’ve discussed, if his trauma is real, it’s a very destructive method of dealing with it.)

Wow, what a rip-off for your insurance company.

There’s also the issue that the two of them have come very close to traumatizing you and beating you down emotionally. “Remember that thing you did in 2010? That means that I get to win every disagreement until one of us dies.” That’s no way to have a happy or equitable marriage.

Good luck with the next counselor. I definitely agree that one of the things you need to work out with your next counselor is how to stand up for yourself without triggering your husband.

By the way, I was just realizing that the one year deadline is probably not nearly long enough if he can’t treat his PTSD until after he does his training. If the training is in the spring, and the training lasts three months, and then he needs to settle into a new job, that brings you to the one year point pretty fast, without him having had any time to work on his PTSD (and bear in mind that the training is going to be unbelievably stressful–which could easily exacerbate the PTSD). I think you should mention this to him in front of your next counselor.

 

[Serap]

That counsellor sucked big time. I think she made things worse instead of better. Cut her loose asap and move on. She was awful!!! You are not selfish at all. She is an idiot.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Horse-hockey. …he is just biding his time. When the sand runs out if the hourglass…he’s gone. You keep trying…you put n the effort…all the effort as a matter of fact. You find the counselors… what does he do? Absolutely nothing… but “I’ll try”. He is upset because he is afraid you’ll get angry? Really? Are you the wicked witch of the west? I hardly think so. He needs to “man up”… I hardly believe he got PTSD because of you… as for his work…it goes with the territory. If you lived in nyc ir Detroit. …I could understand PTSD…

I don’t think I’m the wicked witch of the west. The counselor thinks otherwise. She is always very sympathetic toward him.

Oh and to be fair, he originally searched for counselors and we picked her from a list of recommendations from local psychologists because she was the top recommendation. I went searching for a new one because I was the one who was unhappy with her.

She believes he has some major panic/anxiety issues and I suppose that she just cannot find a reason other than me.

 

[bernadettefaith]

The counselor sucked, no way around it. You aren’t a selfish crazy person for wanting your husband to honor his vows. What part of Catholic did this counselor not understand? For people of faith religion plays a big part in how they think and how they live their lives. A counselor should understand that a person who is Catholic would want to preserve their marriage at all costs for religious reasons, if nothing else. Yeesh!

If you wanted your DH to stay in a miserable marriage for the rest of his life with no relief in sight, that would be one thing. But you want to make him happy and you want to work to make the marriage better and stronger. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do!

I hate to say it again, but expecting a marriage to be happy all the time is simply not realistic. It’s also not realistic to expect an individual to be happy all of the time. And it’s certainly not realistic to think that ending a marriage will make an unhappy person suddenly happy. Not to mention that a happy marriage takes effort…work… of the part of both spouses and this was something the counselor you were seeing seems to have failed to mention to your DH.

It may not have crossed his mind as people can be in denial about certain realities, but this is something the counselor should have brought up and explored with both BF and her DH, separately in individual therapy and together in their marriage counseling.

Awfully simplistic, wouldn’t you say? All of the regular posters in this thread seem to agree that there is something more going on here with your DH’s mental health and that it’s not you.

She honestly had no idea on church teachings. She was shocked that the church would expect him to stay married even if he was unhappy.

He still does not believe that marriages go through stages of unhappiness. Sadly, I fear that he might end up going through many more marriages before he realizes this. Meanwhile, the kids will get dragged down with him.

 

[Serap]

She honestly had no idea on church teachings. She was shocked that the church would expect him to stay married even if he was unhappy.

He still does not believe that marriages go through stages of unhappiness. Sadly, I fear that he might end up going through many more marriages before he realizes this. Meanwhile, the kids will get dragged down with him.

Yes…and this is very common

If only people had more realistic expectations of marriage.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Yes…and this is very common

If only people had more realistic expectations of marriage.

I wish I had a way to explain that I don’t expect him to be miserable. I’ve told him that most marriages go through extremely rough patches and he just doesn’t believe it. He thinks that the church just expects people to stay married no matter how unhappy and believe that that is unhealthy for families. I agree that there are times when divorce is necessary (abuse, unrepentant infidelity) but I’m not seeing a reason here.

Of course it’s also possible that he’s just so stuck in the “grass is greener” dream world that he will make it sound as if the marriage is unbearable. At least he’s won over this counselor by letting her believe that his panic and anxiety are all marriage related and would disappear if we divorced.

 

[Julianna]

She honestly had no idea on church teachings. She was shocked that the church would expect him to stay married even if he was unhappy.

He still does not believe that marriages go through stages of unhappiness. Sadly, I fear that he might end up going through many more marriages before he realizes this. Meanwhile, the kids will get dragged down with him.

How in the world would you expect a secular counselor to be versed in Church teaching? It is hard to believe that a grown man doesn’t help believe marriages have ups and downs. If he decides to cut loose…I doubt marriage would be in the cards for him.

 

[bernadettefaith]

How in the world would you expect a secular counselor to be versed in Church teaching? It is hard to believe that a grown man doesn’t help believe marriages have ups and downs. If he decides to cut loose…I doubt marriage would be in the cards for him.

I didn’t expect her to know. I was just stating the fact that she was shocked by it. I know other christian denominations do not support divorce without “biblical grounds” so I did think she might have encountered someone who had similar views before. Maybe not.

I don’t know. He insists that he wants to marry and possibly even have another baby. Even if he doesn’t marry, he says he’s only interested in long term relationships and would marry if he finds “the one”. He wants to find “true love”.

The only marriage he knows is his parents’. They’ve always been the perfect couple as far as he knows. He has no other married family members.

 

[Serap]

I didn’t expect her to know. I was just stating the fact that she was shocked by it. I know other christian denominations do not support divorce without “biblical grounds” so I did think she might have encountered someone who had similar views before. Maybe not.

I don’t know. He insists that he wants to marry and possibly even have another baby. Even if he doesn’t marry, he says he’s only interested in long term relationships and would marry if he finds “the one”. He wants to find “true love”.

The only marriage he knows is his parents’. They’ve always been the perfect couple as far as he knows. He has no other married family members.

See how things go, but you could always kick him out when you’re fed up to give him a dose of reality. I know of a lot of men who come back to their wife when they realize she’s had it and she’s DONE.

It is so common that it makes me sad that it often gets to that point.

Or you could say, “You walk out that door and I’m done! GO…GO and have your perfect life! Don’t expect me to be friends with you once you leave that door…no co-parenting pipe dreams! I won’t do it. If you leave, we become strangers who co-parent at a distance. No shared Christmases and holidays. You’re mad to think I will do that! GO!”

 

[Julianna]

See how things go, but you could always kick him out when you’re fed up to give him a dose of reality. I know of a lot of men who come back to their wife when they realize she’s had it and she’s DONE.

It is so common that it makes me sad that it often gets to that point.

Or you could say, “You walk out that door and I’m done! GO…GO and have your perfect life! Don’t expect me to be friends with you once you leave that door…no co-parenting pipe dreams! I won’t do it. If you leave, we become strangers who co-parent at a distance. No shared Christmases and holidays. You’re mad to think I will do that! GO!”

Yep…that should have been the SOP from the start. You can’t make someone feel something they don’t.