Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

  • Thread starter Thread starter bernadettefaith
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Julianna said:
Yep…that should have been the SOP from the start. You can’t make someone feel something they don’t.
Click to expand...
I think that BF will eventually reach her boiling point as I get the impression she’s a very strong person. I know that I would eventually get to that point after I tried everything else.
 
Serap said:
I think that BF will eventually reach her boiling point as I get the impression she’s a very strong person. I know that I would eventually get to that point after I tried everything else.
Click to expand...
I do still want to try Retrouvaille before I can say I’ve done everything. Depending on his job situation January just might work out as his current job is changing his days off to sat, sun, mon. I know it’s not a guaranteed miracle but I would always wonder “what if” if I didn’t try it. If he starts the academy in March then we might not be able to finish the follow up sessions but could do them at a later date I believe.
 
Bernadettefaith said:

“Even if he doesn’t marry, he says he’s only interested in long term relationships and would marry if he finds “the one”. He wants to find “true love”.”

I have a cousin exactly my age (and I haven’t hit 40 yet) who is kind of like that. He and his first wife split when their baby was just turned 1 (gah!), his 2nd wife died in an accident, and he quickly married a third wife, who is a real witch on wheels, and he has a baby with her. Lord only know when it will stop. It’s an awful ride to take innocent little children on. (He’s in uniform, but not a cop.)

“The only marriage he knows is his parents’. They’ve always been the perfect couple as far as he knows. He has no other married family members.”

If things get worse, it may be time to talk to your MIL and see how really perfect things are or aren’t. There’s a 99.9% chance that things have not always been perfect for them, and if they were willing to be frank (and they might, if access to their grandchildren were on the line), it might be very helpful.

Guys can be very dumb about interpersonal stuff, especially if there isn’t actually any yelling or lamp throwing. There’s a good chance that his parents’ marriage has had some very icy spells that he didn’t even notice.

With your next counselor, at the first appointment, talk half of the time to give a quick summary of your situation and take the second half to
  1. Ask about their plan for you
  2. Ask to hear about their success stories with couples like yourselves (It might even be worthwhile to allot a lot of time to that, as that’s what your husband doesn’t believe in)
Remember, you are interviewing them for a job. Keep doing this until you talk to somebody that both of you like. And do try to get somebody with a specialty in police, military, or other similar high-stress professions. I expect that the marriage issues in those professions are quite similar, so if you get somebody experienced in helping those professions, he won’t be surprised by anything your husband says.

By the way, about stress and trauma, I think it all depends how resilient the person is. If he isn’t good with dealing with you when you’re mad, he must have a terrible time when he finds himself in the middle of domestic disputes. In fact, it’s those occasions that he may be bringing back home to his interactions with you.

A cousin’s ex-husband is a police officer. He was doing a normal traffic stop when a guy punched him in the face and broke his jaw. The recovery from that was TERRIBLE. It’s not knowing when that sort of thing might happen to you that is stressful.
 
It’s definitely true that no traffic stop is routine. They have to be prepared at all times for the worst case scenario. It doesn’t matter that he works in the middle of nowhere. A drunken redneck can be quite scary. Cops are killed all the time during a routine call or traffic stop.

The next counselor we are trying seems to be a bit more organized. He said that in the first session he will discuss a treatment plan with us - though it won’t be covered under insurance unless he finds a mental illness other than the marriage issues. I hope he finds something as Dh isn’t going to want to pay the $100/hr out of pocket.
 
Bernadettefaith said:

“He said that in the first session he will discuss a treatment plan with us - though it won’t be covered under insurance unless he finds a mental illness other than the marriage issues. I hope he finds something as Dh isn’t going to want to pay the $100/hr out of pocket.”

This sounds good. I wonder if you could adjust the frequency of appointments to something you could afford? You could probably find $100 or $200 a month (if I’m reading your finances correctly).
 
Possibly. I fear that 1 visit a month might not be enough. I don’t know that he would agree to spend more than that. Also, Dh isn’t likely to agree to spend money on a new counselor because he likes the current one and she’s willing to bill it in such a way that it’s covered.

At the very least perhaps he could be my individual counselor and at least I would have someone I felt comfortable with to help me on my own.
 
Serap said:
See how things go, but you could always kick him out when you’re fed up to give him a dose of reality. I know of a lot of men who come back to their wife when they realize she’s had it and she’s DONE.

It is so common that it makes me sad that it often gets to that point.

Or you could say, “You walk out that door and I’m done! GO…GO and have your perfect life! Don’t expect me to be friends with you once you leave that door…no co-parenting pipe dreams! I won’t do it. If you leave, we become strangers who co-parent at a distance. No shared Christmases and holidays. You’re mad to think I will do that! GO!”
Click to expand...
Yep…that should have been the SOP from the start. You can’t make someone feel something they don’t.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I don’t think I’m the wicked witch of the west. The counselor thinks otherwise. She is always very sympathetic toward him.

Oh and to be fair, he originally searched for counselors and we picked her from a list of recommendations from local psychologists because she was the top recommendation. I went searching for a new one because I was the one who was unhappy with her.

She believes he has some major panic/anxiety issues and I suppose that she just cannot find a reason other than me.
Click to expand...
If this flake couldn’t find a reason other than you she fails at her job! I have a GED and have been a SAHM since forever and even I could see that its more than you!
bernadettefaith said:
She honestly had no idea on church teachings. She was shocked that the church would expect him to stay married even if he was unhappy.

He still does not believe that marriages go through stages of unhappiness. Sadly, I fear that he might end up going through many more marriages before he realizes this. Meanwhile, the kids will get dragged down with him.
Click to expand...
Umm, it’s her job to figure out how you think and why so that she can better help you. The second she was aware that you are Catholic and do not believe divorce is ok other than in certain circumstances she should have taken a few minutes to Google “catholic marriage” or a similar phrase and educated herself.

I truly hope this next therapist is willing to bill it so that the insurance will pay for it and that your DH will learn something about reality from him/her.

Also, I second the suggestion that you chat with your MIL. Explain things to her and see if she would be willing to frankly discuss with her son her own marital troubles (if there have been any and I’d bet there have) or at least tell him of friends and family members marriages that have had rough patches.
 
MJJean said:
If this flake couldn’t find a reason other than you she fails at her job! I have a GED and have been a SAHM since forever and even I could see that its more than you!

Umm, it’s her job to figure out how you think and why so that she can better help you. The second she was aware that you are Catholic and do not believe divorce is ok other than in certain circumstances she should have taken a few minutes to Google “catholic marriage” or a similar phrase and educated herself.

I truly hope this next therapist is willing to bill it so that the insurance will pay for it and that your DH will learn something about reality from him/her.

Also, I second the suggestion that you chat with your MIL. Explain things to her and see if she would be willing to frankly discuss with her son her own marital troubles (if there have been any and I’d bet there have) or at least tell him of friends and family members marriages that have had rough patches.
Click to expand...
IMO it’s not even about a Catholic marriage. You don’t have to be Catholic to take one look around you and see how messed up society has become…I would never advocate divorce for the simple reason that it hurts our society. It desensitizes society into thinking that family breakdown is ok and part of the way things are now.
 
Serap said:
IMO it’s not even about a Catholic marriage. You don’t have to be Catholic to take one look around you and see how messed up society has become…I would never advocate divorce for the simple reason that it hurts our society. It desensitizes society into thinking that family breakdown is ok and part of the way things are now.
Click to expand...
Certainly. I know a few people of other faiths and even some of no faith that think divorce is terrible and damaging to society. But people of faith usually have more conviction when it comes to staying married and that should certainly have been taken into consideration. The counselor should have read up on Catholic teachings regarding marriage to better understand where one of her clients is coming from.

Not to mention the woman may have actually learned something. Catholic teachings on marriage are more than just about religion. There is some serious wisdom there that even non-religious people can recognize and use.
 
MJJean said:
Certainly. I know a few people of other faiths and even some of no faith that think divorce is terrible and damaging to society. But people of faith usually have more conviction when it comes to staying married and that should certainly have been taken into consideration. The counselor should have read up on Catholic teachings regarding marriage to better understand where one of her clients is coming from.

Not to mention the woman may have actually learned something. Catholic teachings on marriage are more than just about religion. There is some serious wisdom there that even non-religious people can recognize and use.
Click to expand...
That’s very true. A lot of pro-marriage resources out there are totally secular.

The counselor insists that kids are often better off with divorced parents. While that may be true, divorce also has a negative impact on the kids. She doesn’t encourage us to work on the marriage, which would be the ideal situation for the kids.
 
How about making good and sure not to have a divorced counselor next time?
 
Well the law enforcement one is divorced - however she did want to make the marriage
work and her husband left.

The one we are seeing next is married. I doubt he’s been divorced but I will probably ask anyway. He’s a practicing Catholic and former seminarian.
 
“Well the law enforcement one is divorced - however she did want to make the marriage
work and her husband left.”

That might be OK, then.

Best wishes!
 
Hello Bernadette 🙂

Hope you are having a wonderful evening. I just want to share with you a prayer from St. Francis and the Serenity Prayer.

**God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. **
**St. Francis Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.**​

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Hope you have a blessed night 🙂
 
Thanks Mayita. The St. Francis prayer is special to me because I used to teach at a St. Francis school 🙂
 
bernadettefaith said:
That’s very true. A lot of pro-marriage resources out there are totally secular.

The counselor insists that kids are often better off with divorced parents. While that may be true, divorce also has a negative impact on the kids. She doesn’t encourage us to work on the marriage, which would be the ideal situation for the kids.
Click to expand...
Yes, sometimes divorce is best for the kids. Mine are proof of that! I shudder to think how they would have been raised if I had stayed with my ex. He really was that bad. And yes, I know the divorce had a negative impact on my eldest as she was the only one old enough to remember living with her father, but was not old enough to understand the abuse, infidelities, lies, refusal to work, etc. So, I agree that marriage should be preserved when possible.

Any counselor who has ever worked with marriages should encourage the couple to at least try providing there is no danger to the spouses or the children. if you go to a counselor and say “We’re trying to save our marriage.” the first thing they should do is try to help you and not encourage anyone to leave.
Xantippe said:
How about making good and sure not to have a divorced counselor next time?
Click to expand...
Divorced wouldn’t necessarily rule a counselor out for me. It would depend on the circumstances of the divorce.
bernadettefaith said:
Well the law enforcement one is divorced - however she did want to make the marriage
work and her husband left.

The one we are seeing next is married. I doubt he’s been divorced but I will probably ask anyway. He’s a practicing Catholic and former seminarian.
Click to expand...
If the law enforcement counselor tried and her husband didn’t, I wouldn’t hold that against her. She could only lead him to water, not make him drink. The former seminarian sounds promising, too, as he would understand your faith better and maybe understand your husband better.
 
You have to keep remembering that an important part of such a serious life long commitment is the experience of free consent. You can tell a person all day long that they have to commit but unless that commitment comes from a genuine sense of freedom, the relationship will continue to erode no matter how long they stay. That is why people are not encouraged to marry because of pregnancy. There are many situations both external and internal that can inhibit freedom to consent resulting in invalidity. In the Rite of marriage, right before a couple are asked to consent to marriage the first of three questions is… “Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?”

That is why when dealing with marriage troubles, a good counsellor will be able to let a person experience the freedom to leave as the prelude to choosing to stay and recommit. It really is an important factor in the healing process. If someone feels ‘trapped’, unless they can first feel a space of genuine freedom… no decision or recommitment is going to be healthy. Just keep that in mind when counsellors seem to be ‘encouraging’ divorce or not stressing the importance of just ‘sucking it up and getting on with marriage’. It’s a fairly delicate and complex process.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top