Marriage later as a virgin?

[EstherTherese]

I’ve always taken pre-marital abstinence and lifelong chastity seriously, but I’ve become disillusioned by the lack of reverence for these virtues as I’m getting older.

I’m entering into my 20’s and I have seen two patterns in my friends: my Catholic friends are getting married early (my roommate next year is 21 and is engaged. She’s one of many who are doing so around my school) or my non-religious friends are in long-term relationships where sex is involved.

I’m enrolled in my final year in college and plan to get married later in my life, preferrably after I am 25. My past relationships have ended primarily for other reasons, but the guys have struggled with my devotion to chastity. This used to make me bitter at my exes for not controlling their urges around me. However, I’m quickly realizing that the older I get, the less virgins there are. Without the same religious imperative, what’s stopping those in my age group from acting on lust?

In youth groups, I seemed to be taught that if I did not wait until marriage, I would end up having sex in some cheap, valueless way. However, sex simply seems to be a part of “adult” life that many friends have succumb to in any long-term commitment.

Is is possible to have a Catholic marriage later while remaining pure?

 

[underacloud]

Is is possible to have a Catholic marriage later while remaining pure?

Yes, of course it is.

However, depending on how old you are when you start more actively looking, you may naturally have a smaller number of potential dates as many people will have already married or be living a lifestyle not considtent with your values. That’s the risk of waiting too long, but I don’t think 25 is very old by current standards, depending on where exactly you are. I met my wife when I was 25 and married at 26.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Without the same religious imperative, what’s stopping those in my age group from acting on lust?

Disease, abortions, illegitimate children? It is interesting that our culture has accepted all three of those as norms, isn’t it?

 

[EstherTherese]

Disease, abortions, illegitimate children? It is interesting that our culture has accepted all three of those as norms, isn’t it?

I hear you. Also, I’m slowly accepting that my adherence to my faith and self-control will be labeled as “uptight,” “prudish,” and my favorite “close-minded.”

 

[JordanRogers]

Disease, abortions, illegitimate children? It is interesting that our culture has accepted all three of those as norms, isn’t it?

Having illegitimate children is wrong but there’s nothing wrong with illegitimate children

 

[ricofall]

What I wouldn’t give to be able to offer my wife my chastity on our wedding night. We both came from broken homes and divorced parents. I pray our daughters have the will to be pure for their wedding night like you. Keep the faith and stick to your convictions.

 

[StaTeresita]

Nothing, absolutely nothing would replace giving yourself totally and completely to your husband and no one else. It is hard but is not impossible. It may look like there are no options “available” but it only means you have a quick way of getting rid of the ones who do not understand (and are not worthy) your gift.

Do not give up. These temptations are common. You say you are in your 20’s. Believe me. You won’t ever regret doing things right.

 

[mwncheesehead]

Is is possible to have a Catholic marriage later while remaining pure?

Yes it’s possible and very doable! I was 28, my wife was 27 when we married and we were both virgins. Not sure if that’s what you consider “later in life.” Tell those who jump the gun on sex to go fly a kite…you’re waiting because it’s the smart thing to do and the morally right thing to do.

 

[jeffrey_tantowi]

I’ve always taken pre-marital abstinence and lifelong chastity seriously, but I’ve become disillusioned by the lack of reverence for these virtues as I’m getting older.

I’m entering into my 20’s and I have seen two patterns in my friends: my Catholic friends are getting married early (my roommate next year is 21 and is engaged. She’s one of many who are doing so around my school) or my non-religious friends are in long-term relationships where sex is involved.

I’m enrolled in my final year in college and plan to get married later in my life, preferrably after I am 25. My past relationships have ended primarily for other reasons, but the guys have struggled with my devotion to chastity. This used to make me bitter at my exes for not controlling their urges around me. However, I’m quickly realizing that the older I get, the less virgins there are. Without the same religious imperative, what’s stopping those in my age group from acting on lust?

In youth groups, I seemed to be taught that if I did not wait until marriage, I would end up having sex in some cheap, valueless way. However, sex simply seems to be a part of “adult” life that many friends have succumb to in any long-term commitment.

Is is possible to have a Catholic marriage later while remaining pure?

Yes! I exactly think the same idea as you and I thought it was only me who think like that until I found this thread. But there are few people who think about it. I have ever told my best friend about this idea, while he thought it is a good idea, he told me that not everyone can do it and it might be hard to find people who want to live pure in their marriage.

 

[Nandarani]

Hmmm. That last sentence from Jeffrey Tantowi says exactly the truth: might not want to remain pure in marriage - . Those who are following the culture, will continue to follow the culture once they are married - which means - a so-called ‘open marriage’ is a given, though the participants won’t think so at the outset.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Hmmm. That last sentence from Jeffrey Tantowi says exactly the truth: might not want to remain pure in marriage - . Those who are following the culture, will continue to follow the culture once they are married - which means - a so-called ‘open marriage’ is a given, though the participants won’t think so at the outset.

That isn’t true. Me and my husband weren’t virgins when we married and we aren’t in an open relationship. Good grief. I haven’t laid eyes on my husband in over 1/2 a year and I haven’t went out cheating on him because I can’t control my urges either.

 

[EstherTherese]

Nothing, absolutely nothing would replace giving yourself totally and completely to your husband and no one else. It is hard but is not impossible. It may look like there are no options “available” but it only means you have a quick way of getting rid of the ones who do not understand (and are not worthy) your gift.

Is this view of “giving yourself totally and completely to your husband” still common in contemporary times? I hope that did not come off as dismissive.
Many of my peers claim that being a virgin will leave me inexperienced and possibly “sexually incompatible” with my husband.

I understand that I am still quite young and naive (also precisely why I do not want to become sexually active), but there are moments where I fear my choices will eventually come down to either sell out my morals and find a companion or be chaste and alone.

 

[stephe1987]

It may seem harder, but it will make it easier if you wait until you’re older to date because nobody will waste your time.

If you tell them you are a virgin or are living a chaste life at 20, some guys will see that as a “challenge” and try to pressure you into sex. You could end up attracting the wrong kind of men who are trying to break you; some women cave in to pressure, and those who don’t anger the guys for not sleeping with them … even though they told them up front that they don’t believe in sex outside of marriage.

But once you’re a little older those same males will know you’re serious about your commitment to virtue (still a virgin in your mid-20s) and won’t go out with you at all if you won’t sleep with them. So the men that do go out with you will be the ones who love God and respect virtue. No time-wasters there.

I am not saying that it won’t be difficult to remain chaste with someone who does share your values, but it is much better than fighting an uphill battle against someone who only cares about getting in your pants before marriage because “that’s what adults do”… as if adulthood is defined by promiscuity… sounds more like teenage behavior to me, very self-centered and irresponsible (no offense to the many wonderful teenagers out there who do not exhibit this sort of behavior).

 

[StaTeresita]

You do not become a better “lover” by having multiple sexual partners. That is only on HBO. You become promiscuous and prone to a broken heart, STD’s and emotional emptiness by having multiple sexual partners.

Unfortunately, a lot of people think that “Thou shall not fornicate” comes with an expiration date. Like, it is valid until you are 20 and then you can “go for it”. Now, how can you validate that?

It may seem impossible, but I have many friends who married virgins. I envy them.

 

[EstherTherese]

It may seem harder, but it will make it easier if you wait until you’re older to date because nobody will waste your time.

If you tell them you are a virgin or are living a chaste life at 20, some guys will see that as a “challenge” and try to pressure you into sex. You could end up attracting the wrong kind of men who are trying to break you; some women cave in to pressure, and those who don’t anger the guys for not sleeping with them … even though they told them up front that they don’t believe in sex outside of marriage.

But once you’re a little older those same males will know you’re serious about your commitment to virtue (still a virgin in your mid-20s) and won’t go out with you at all if you won’t sleep with them. So the men that do go out with you will be the ones who love God and respect virtue. No time-wasters there.

I am not saying that it won’t be difficult to remain chaste with someone who does share your values, but it is much better than fighting an uphill battle against someone who only cares about getting in your pants before marriage because “that’s what adults do”… as if adulthood is defined by promiscuity… sounds more like teenage behavior to me, very self-centered and irresponsible (no offense to the many wonderful teenagers out there who do not exhibit this sort of behavior).

Thank you for your older, more experienced (name removed by moderator)ut.

Some words from my ex, who very much had a sexual history (I didn’t know this until later), still haunt me. I told him that I think sex could be destructive and can make breaking away from bad relationships harder. He said that he’s seen many committed couples rush into marriage and then get divorced early.

A handful of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged early (around the age of 21-22). It’s not up to me to judge if their marriage will last, but could these early marital plans be considered “irresponsible” as well?

 

[UntimelyBourn]

QUOTE]I understand that I am still quite young and naive (also precisely why I do not want to become sexually active), but there are moments where I fear my choices will eventually come down to either sell out my morals and find a companion or be chaste and alone

I know this might not be the response you’re hoping to hear, but sometimes I find it can be helpful to really think through the worst case scenario of a given situation. What if you are called to celibacy? Wouldn’t God give you the necessary grace?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

A handful of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged early (around the age of 21-22). It’s not up to me to judge if their marriage will last, but could these early marital plans be considered “irresponsible” as well?

Getting married at 22 isn’t young everywhere. I was one of the last of my high school friends to get married and I was 23. A lot of the people who I grew up with already had families by the time I go married. BTW, I was just married last year. lol. The majority of my college friends have been getting married these past 2 years. I think my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We dated 3 1/2 years before we said, “I do.” So it wasn’t a quick thing. He’s my big bad Sailor and I am his number one cheerleader. We fully support one another. Our life is full of sacrifice, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. No, I don’t think it is irresponsible that we got married when we did. I think if we ever divorce some people would literally have heart failure. lol.

 

[PattiDay]

You say that sex was not the primary reason for the demise of your past relationships, so haven’t you already proven that there were factors other than chastity that made a long-term relationship with that person unworkable. So how many times would you regret having given away your virginity to some immature jerk by now? I just read an article in a Catholic blog where the women were in a rage that guys in their late 20’s-early 30’s were looking for “pure” girls to marry. Now I was pretty revolted myself about this “double standard” because these guys admitted to not having remained chaste themselves, although some wished they had because maybe with age came a little wisdom, a bit of respect, but they wanted their wives not to have been with a dozen other guys. And the cohabiting bit, 70+% wind up divorced, while the number of those who had sex before marriage but didn’t cohabit, was around 50%, and those who waited to have sex and move in until marriage was under 20%, what a difference. Hey, it matters. Find a Theology of the Body group, people who are committed to staying chaste until marriage. I find a chaste, guy, who’s strong enough and mature enough to control himself and is seeking a chaste woman to enter into a Christ-centered marriage a total turn on.

 

[underacloud]

Some words from my ex, who very much had a sexual history (I didn’t know this until later), still haunt me. I told him that I think sex could be destructive and can make breaking away from bad relationships harder. He said that he’s seen many committed couples rush into marriage and then get divorced early.

A handful of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged early (around the age of 21-22). It’s not up to me to judge if their marriage will last, but could these early marital plans be considered “irresponsible” as well?

No, not neccessarily.

People rush into marriage at all ages and do not give due consideration to the importance of the commitment they are making. This problem can happen at 21, at 30, at 55, etc… Equally, a 21 year old can make an informed decision and commitment, and is not neccessarily making a mistake by marrying so young.

What matters, regardless of age, is that a mature decision to get married is made, for the right reasons and consitent with the seriousness of this sacrament and commitment. Sure, a couple of 21 year-olds getting married because they are “in love” may be making a mistake. But a couple of 21 year olds who have discerned that God has called them to the vocation of marriage, and have given the decision the seriousness it requires, should not be criticised for being “irresponsible” or “too young”.

 

[RichardG]

In the past, before I converted, I wanted to do it as quick as I could. Now i’m just happy it didn’t happen. I just turned 30, and I realize it will become harder and harder to find someone around that age, also who has the same Christian moral To me, there is no other option. I simply don’t want a woman who has previously given herself to someone else. Something has then been taken away, which should have been saved for marriage.