Marriage later as a virgin?

[EstherTherese]

You say that sex was not the primary reason for the demise of your past relationships, so haven’t you already proven that there were factors other than chastity that made a long-term relationship with that person unworkable. So how many times would you regret having given away your virginity to some immature jerk by now?

Hah! Considering what would have been the alternative is sometimes my only consolation during periods of doubt. I broke up with both of my exes primarily because of distance. My first ex had a tendency to be very self-absorbed and told me straight-up that he did not want a serious relationship after me and that he saw himself being committed to my closest friend at the time. My most recent ex broke it off online. He never answered my phone calls.

The mere thought of losing my virginity to these two makes me shudder.

 

[SusanneT]

It may seem harder, but it will make it easier if you wait until you’re older to date because nobody will waste your time.

If you tell them you are a virgin or are living a chaste life at 20, some guys will see that as a “challenge” and try to pressure you into sex. You could end up attracting the wrong kind of men who are trying to break you; some women cave in to pressure, and those who don’t anger the guys for not sleeping with them … even though they told them up front that they don’t believe in sex outside of marriage.

But once you’re a little older those same males will know you’re serious about your commitment to virtue (still a virgin in your mid-20s) and won’t go out with you at all if you won’t sleep with them. So the men that do go out with you will be the ones who love God and respect virtue. No time-wasters there.

I am not saying that it won’t be difficult to remain chaste with someone who does share your values, but it is much better than fighting an uphill battle against someone who only cares about getting in your pants before marriage because “that’s what adults do”… as if adulthood is defined by promiscuity… sounds more like teenage behavior to me, very self-centered and irresponsible (no offense to the many wonderful teenagers out there who do not exhibit this sort of behavior).

Yes I agree with that. Given the secular world view it’s hardly surprising that men expect you to be sexually active, but I agree as you get older and then date a man who shares your conviction it is much easier. It’s still a challenge to stay chaste but one you share !

 

[RichardG]

Is this view of “giving yourself totally and completely to your husband” still common in contemporary times? I hope that did not come off as dismissive.
Many of my peers claim that being a virgin will leave me inexperienced and possibly “sexually incompatible” with my husband.

I understand that I am still quite young and naive (also precisely why I do not want to become sexually active), but there are moments where I fear my choices will eventually come down to either sell out my morals and find a companion or be chaste and alone.

Esther, I would say you can only choose for yourself in this case. People can say what they want about inexperience. If someone only wants an experienced woman, he isn’t worthy of you. Sexually incompatibilty may only happen when someone has a lot of expierence and the other doesn’t. But even then it may not even mean ‘incompatibiliby’
You should only choose someone who has the same morality as you, otherwise it will only lead to heartache.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Honestly, I think the only time you are allowing God into the equation is when you say you want to wait until marriage. Let me explain. You seem to be putting a lot of importance on the age of other people’s marriage and comparing yourself to that. That is not how one follows God’s will. IMO it would be better to pray to God to lead you to the life He has chosen for you either marriage or single. And if it is marriage, pray you will recognize the one.

As for sexual incompatibility, again, you are throwing God out the window. Couples in a good marriage pray about those things together.

I hope what I said makes sense. If not let me know and I will try and clarify

Angie

 

[kingal86]

Hmmm. That last sentence from Jeffrey Tantowi says exactly the truth: might not want to remain pure in marriage - . Those who are following the culture, will continue to follow the culture once they are married - which means - a so-called ‘open marriage’ is a given, though the participants won’t think so at the outset.

Most people who don’t agree with Catholic teaching on fornication would still consider cheating wrong, and adultery as very wrong. Unless I’m being very naive, most people in the USA and Britain are still in monogamous relationships in which fidelity is either explicit or implicit aren’t they?

Or are you arguing that people unused to the discipline chastity will find it hard to control themselves over the long years of a marriage (which I suppose may have logic)?

 

[kingal86]

Is this view of “giving yourself totally and completely to your husband” still common in contemporary times? I hope that did not come off as dismissive.
Many of my peers claim that being a virgin will leave me inexperienced and possibly “sexually incompatible” with my husband.

I haven’t ever really heard this discussed as a concept much in contemporary Britain amongst most people. The only people around my age who I believe were chaste were evangelical Protestants in the Christian Union, who married whilst at or shortly after university and seem happy (based on the photos of their smiling babies on Facebook) - so I’m hopeful they didn’t rush into anything unsuited due to desire (which I remember worrying about at the time, with my typically secular outlook).

Sadly the few other times I have heard chastity discussed, it tends to be hypocritical men who wish to sow their wild oats then settle down with a nice “pure” girl which is clearly not how the traditional teaching on sexual morality is supposed to work.

For example, some Southeast Asian youths I once overheard discussing this in a kebab house, where their ideal wife seemed to be a girl brought in from Pakistan who hadn’t been “corrupted” - whilst the history of these young men didn’t seem to matter at all.

 

[Sasha21]

Short Answer: Yes, with lots of prayer asking God to help you and your future spouse to remain pure.

Long Answer: You should pray that God leads you to the right person whether or not he is a virgin or not. There are different ways to remain pure and faithful to the church’s teachings.
I was 32 when I married as a virgin. My husband was 34 and the only reason he was’t a virgin was because he was previously married (and later annulled). Despite that he remained faithful to the church’s teachings on sex (not having sex outside of marriage). He remained chaste until our honeymoon. So even though technically he wasn’t a virgin, in my eyes he was still pure. If I had made up my mind to marry only a virgin, I would have missed out on the person God wanted me to spend the rest of my life with.

Keeping myself pure until our honeymoon was the best decision I ever made. It was the most personal, sacred gift I was able to give my husband.

I guess what I am trying to say is that is it good to have the expectation of marrying a virgin but there are always exceptions to the rules.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I’ve always taken pre-marital abstinence and lifelong chastity seriously, but I’ve become disillusioned by the lack of reverence for these virtues as I’m getting older.

Who cares what other people think about these virtues? The only thing that ultimately matters is what you and your future spouse think of these issues.

When the right person comes along, he will respect you for who you are and the virtues you hold. Don’t let others bad behavior take your focus off of that fact.

 

[JackieMom]

Short Answer: Yes, with lots of prayer asking God to help you and your future spouse to remain pure.

Long Answer: You should pray that God leads you to the right person whether or not he is a virgin or not. There are different ways to remain pure and faithful to the church’s teachings.
I was 32 when I married as a virgin. My husband was 34 and the only reason he was’t a virgin was because he was previously married (and later annulled). Despite that he remained faithful to the church’s teachings on sex (not having sex outside of marriage). He remained chaste until our honeymoon. So even though technically he wasn’t a virgin, in my eyes he was still pure. If I had made up my mind to marry only a virgin, I would have missed out on the person God wanted me to spend the rest of my life with.

Keeping myself pure until our honeymoon was the best decision I ever made. It was the most personal, sacred gift I was able to give my husband.

I guess what I am trying to say is that is it good to have the expectation of marrying a virgin but there are always exceptions to the rules.

I agree with this. Are you just looking for a physical virgin, or do you want someone with a pure heart and Godly convictions? Lots of people make mistakes, regret them, confess, and move ahead in their lives with renewed commitment to the faith. If I found a wonderful man who was perfect for me in every way, committed to Christ, hardworking, moral, kind, intelligent… But had had a regrettable sexual relationship in high school or college, I would not toss him to the curb. People do make errors, out of weakness, ignorance or immaturity - if we don’t allow them the grace to confess, repent and improve with a sincere heart, we are closing off a lot of opportunities. While we should never “settle” for a spouse, or consider someone with serious character flaws, we should keep our hearts open to those who may have not been absolutely perfect along the way but have sincerely and obviously recommitted to Christ.

 

[Sarcelle]

Having illegitimate children is wrong but there’s nothing wrong with illegitimate children

I don’t think anyone here is condemning illegitimate children. People are condemning the act and not the result of said act.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

In the past, before I converted, I wanted to do it as quick as I could. Now i’m just happy it didn’t happen. I just turned 30, and I realize it will become harder and harder to find someone around that age, also who has the same Christian moral To me, there is no other option. I simply don’t want a woman who has previously given herself to someone else. Something has then been taken away, which should have been saved for marriage.

I’m a female over 30 who’s a virgin. We are out there. Please continue to pray that God will bring you with the right woman in His timing.

I would also prefer a man who waited for me however I realize that this would be a challenge but not impossible for God. I continue to hold out hope.

 

[Sarcelle]

Is this view of “giving yourself totally and completely to your husband” still common in contemporary times? I hope that did not come off as dismissive.
Many of my peers claim that being a virgin will leave me inexperienced and possibly “sexually incompatible” with my husband.

I understand that I am still quite young and naive (also precisely why I do not want to become sexually active), but there are moments where I fear my choices will eventually come down to either sell out my morals and find a companion or be chaste and alone.

No one knows what lies in the future. You can be chaste and married, chaste and alone or you can sell out your morals and still end up alone.

How do you define sexual compatibility by the way? There have been threads in this forum in defense of premarital sex to find out sexual compatibility. There were arguments for and against it. People can change over time so even if you start out compatible you may fall out of compatibility several years into the marriage.

A true Christian marriage should see two people working out over time a compatible sexual life. Sexual compatibility is something that needs to be worked on over time within the bounds of a Christian marriage. It is not test driving a partner.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

No one knows what lies in the future. You can be chaste and married, chaste and alone or if you sell out your morals and still end up alone.

How do you define sexual compatibility by the way. There have threads in this forum in defense of premarital sex to find out sexual compatibility. There were arguments for and against it. People can change over time so even if you start out compatible you may fall out of compatibility several years into the marriage.

That’s the problem with most modern relationships–they are built on sexual intimacy and how one makes the other feel. We know that relationships need solid foundations to last and that ultimately, love is based on a choice, a promise and a vow. You are right: as sexuality changes over the years and “compatibility” goes away, one starts looking for a newer, better model.

THIS is why chastity is so important. The relationship, if called to lead to marriage, is built on a foundation that will last. If things don’t lead to marriage, no one leaves a piece of their soul with the other (after all, two become one after sex). I am so disgusted with the flippant attitude people have about sex today, like it’s as simple as putting on another pair of pants. sigh

(steps off soapbox)

 

[PennyinCanada]

The beautiful thing about chastity while dating is that it gives a person a clear head. lol As soon as you start having sex when dating, all the hormones mess up the thinking process. There is a reason why God said to be chaste until marriage! He designed marital intimacy to be the super glue to hold a marriage together. Be sober, and really look at the person you are dating! It’s going to be a time where you see yourself in a different light too. So strengthen your resolve to be faithful to God and let Him know you are trusting in Him for your tomorrows, what ever that may be. You are a light in the darkness!! Do not be swayed but stand firm in your resolve. I wish there were many more like you, because marriage and family life are crumbling around us. It doesn’t have to be that way.

 

[Sarcelle]

The beautiful thing about chastity while dating is that it gives a person a clear head. lol As soon as you start having sex when dating, all the hormones mess up the thinking process. There is a reason why God said to be chaste until marriage! He designed marital intimacy to be the super glue to hold a marriage together. Be sober, and really look at the person you are dating! It’s going to be a time where you see yourself in a different light too. So strengthen your resolve to be faithful to God and let Him know you are trusting in Him for your tomorrows, what ever that may be. You are a light in the darkness!! Do not be swayed but stand firm in your resolve. I wish there were many more like you, because marriage and family life are crumbling around us. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Ditto.

Trusting God is easier said than done. I should know as I am struggling right now.

 

[EstherTherese]

Honestly, I think the only time you are allowing God into the equation is when you say you want to wait until marriage. Let me explain. You seem to be putting a lot of importance on the age of other people’s marriage and comparing yourself to that. That is not how one follows God’s will. IMO it would be better to pray to God to lead you to the life He has chosen for you either marriage or single. And if it is marriage, pray you will recognize the one.

As for sexual incompatibility, again, you are throwing God out the window. Couples in a good marriage pray about those things together.

I hope what I said makes sense. If not let me know and I will try and clarify

Angie

This thread has taught me that I need to start praying differently.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance. I don’t mean to “throw God out the window.” My commitment to chastity will remain strong, but I’ve become dismayed by the rationale from those around me who choose to remain sexually active.

I used to become startled when others would tell me that they have lost their virginity or have lustfully “hooked up” in ways that don’t involve intercourse. This seems to be the lifestyle of the majority. Even though I see such actions as hedonistic, I’ve tried to at least understand their way of thinking. These are people who earlier in our youth held the same view as me.

I came to this thread out of confusion and insecurity, wondering if I missed something here and am simply some close-minded prude.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

My commitment to chastity will remain strong, but I’ve become dismayed by the rationale from those around me who choose to remain sexually active.

I came to this thread out of confusion and insecurity, wondering if I missed something here and am simply some close-minded prude.

You are still young and at an age where other people’s opinions matter and influence you. Trust me, that will change and it won’t be long until you genuinely don’t care about what other people think about sex. You will feel confident about your decisions because you have been guided by your faith.

Perhaps you should seek people who share your values and be friends with them. It is better and easier that way.

 

[trinichiqn]

What I wouldn’t give to be able to offer my wife my chastity on our wedding night. We both came from broken homes and divorced parents. I pray our daughters have the will to be pure for their wedding night like you. Keep the faith and stick to your convictions.

Chastity is not virginity. A non-virgin can live a chaste life after leaving their old ways. See Crystalina Evert, she may not have been a virgin on her wedding night but she was most definitely living a chaste life, she is a very prolific chastity speaker.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’ve always taken pre-marital abstinence and lifelong chastity seriously, but I’ve become disillusioned by the lack of reverence for these virtues as I’m getting older.

I’m entering into my 20’s and I have seen two patterns in my friends: my Catholic friends are getting married early (my roommate next year is 21 and is engaged. She’s one of many who are doing so around my school) or my non-religious friends are in long-term relationships where sex is involved.

I’m enrolled in my final year in college and plan to get married later in my life, preferrably after I am 25. My past relationships have ended primarily for other reasons, but the guys have struggled with my devotion to chastity. This used to make me bitter at my exes for not controlling their urges around me. However, I’m quickly realizing that the older I get, the less virgins there are. Without the same religious imperative, what’s stopping those in my age group from acting on lust?

In youth groups, I seemed to be taught that if I did not wait until marriage, I would end up having sex in some cheap, valueless way. However, sex simply seems to be a part of “adult” life that many friends have succumb to in any long-term commitment.

Is is possible to have a Catholic marriage later while remaining pure?

Well you have only two choices really. Settle and compromise your morals and beliefs or stay the course and take the risk of being alone. It’s all risk really weather your in a relationship or not. People change over time as well. Don’t discount someone just because they haven’t always been perfect. If they respect you and how you feel that’s the important thing but even finding that will be hard in todays society that views sex as purely a leisure activity with few if any moral implications.

 

[Joshua_Shorter]

I know it is not later in life (I am 25) but I am later than you. I just got married and let me say, it was well worth the wait! Morals are nothing about which to be ashamed. I told my bride, on the night of our wedding, that I was so glad I waited for her and did not run around during my single years.

Please pray for the strength and courage to remain chaste. There are good, Catholic guys out there who want chastity as much as you do, even if the modern culture doesn’t want you to believe that.