Marriage, loneliness and unhappiness

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Lilimo67

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How does a devoted catholic make the right decision when it comes to deciding to separate or stay in a marriage?
My husband and I have been together 16 yrs .
We had a daughter 13yrs ago. When she turned 4 she was more aware of her surroundings and realized her dad was not like other fathers. She started disliking him from that moment on. I did do all I could with my words ,my actions and even counseling when she was 4 and a half . I spoke to my husband many times about his personality and how it’s affecting our daughter.
She can’t stand him for the most part and I am afraid of her adult life with all this aggression she has.
I thought many times about how his energy is affecting our family life and him being passive aggressive is not helping any. He has a chip on his shoulder and it’s everybody fault outlook . I chose to look at all the positive things instead of the negative ones . But the family life is hurting everyone. I cry about this because I made a vow to be married for better and worse. I feel so empty and alone in this marriage .
Will I be forgiven if I separate?
 
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How is your husband different than other fathers?
Who had the counseling, you, DH or DD?
 
He has low self esteem and is a bit of a loner. He lacks conviction .& has no motivation to evolve. .
The 3 of us did counseling for over a year. Just today I asked her to be more tolerant and accepting. Her response is wanting him to stop being so grouchy and cranky all the time .
 
Do you have friends you all socialize with, or is your family isolated?
 
I do…I’m very social and outgoing . I have friends I can share with…but my faith carries this marriage
 
But having said that …we don’t socialize with other couples.
 
It doesn’t really sound like you have good reason to separate. It does sound like you should encourage counseling for everyone and maybe consider a retrovaille retreat in your area. I’m sorry your having such problems in your marriage.
 
First thing…try and separate your problems with your daughter from your own problems with your husband. You’re not married to your daughter.
She’s a teenager, and all teens, at some point, become over-critical of their parents. Has she been this way in earlier times? How did you handle it?
Unless you know, or suspect, that your husband has abused your daughter in any way, this between you and him, not the three of you.
Have you spoken to a counselor lately?
You should, whenever humanly possible, keep marriage issues and parenting issues separate.
 
idk the situation is a little strange. How is the relationship between you and your husband? you guys been together for 16 years that’s great!, maybe your daughter doesn’t feel close to her father some kids are closer to one parent then the other. Plus you mentioned that she thinks her father is different and started disliking him? Why does she feel hate to her father, nothing wrong with being a lone wolf that could be his personality, sounds like a relationship issue with the daughter/father or personality clash.
 
You know, my first thought here was that your husband might not be neurotypical. Being a loner or “set in your ways” doesn’t necessarily mean someone is on the autism spectrum, of course, but I’ve seen up close the family tension that can result from one spouse with ASD, one neurotypical spouse, and neurotypical children. So that was where my mind went first. Or it’s possible that he has other conditions (like depression, etc) that contribute to his being a loner and unwilling to change.

It doesn’t sound like you have grounds for separation. I would first seek marriage counseling from a good Catholic counselor (the link above is a good start), and family counseling.
 
Also… if he is on the autism spectrum or depressed or something else, that doesn’t mean things are hopeless. Being married to a spouse with ASD requires adjustment, but it’s possible. (There are even books written about ASD/neurotypical marriages)
 
I can relate to being married to what might be considered a broad autistic phenotype or AS spouse. I have learned to live within what he feels comfortable with socially. We do not socialize with other couples a lot or really at all. I can’t say why, but we enjoy our down time with each other (we have been married 24 years). DS presents much like my husband, but he desires to be far more social. His disability holds him back. I suspect maybe my husband and I do as well.

However, a good Catholic therapist can really put you, your daughter and/or your husband back on the right track. I often feel lonely but then try to make sure I affirm his feelings. I do this with my son as well.

Please be assured of our prayers.
 
Allegra said:
It doesn’t really sound like you have good reason to separate.
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I couldn’t disagree more. OP, ask yourself, “Is my child better off with us together or apart?” and you have your answer. Only you can answer that. You need to factor everything in…emotional status, physical needs of your child, etc. Nobody here can give you that answer. The only answer we can give you is that the Catholic Church does not teach that a husband and wife should stay together at all costs.

Remember, your daughter is no doubt a bright young lady who is learning many lessons by watching your marriage. Make sure you teach her well. And that may very well include separation as a solution to whatever you are dealing with.
 
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In what way does separating help her daughter with her relationship with her father? Do you think a separation automatically means that the mother and daughter go off on their way and dad just becomes a disagreeable memory? That’s not how it usually works. Most likely, her dad will have visitiation with her or even shared custody, which the OP will have absolutely zero say in or influence over. At any rate, it does nothing toward what should be the actual goal of improving the relationship between the two because, believe it or not, even if your father is an unreasonable tyrant, it still creates a lifetime of hurt if he isn’t part of your life.
 
I know you said your daughter and husband haven’t gotten along for many years, but teenage years can be especially hard between dad’s and daughters sometimes - I know my dad and I fought quite a bit when I was younger and we just couldn’t see eye to eye on anything. I think my dad might have been going through something like depression. Maybe they need to do something to bond them more like participating in each other’s hobbies. Maybe once she’s a bit older things will be easier. Regardless of whether you separate or not, he is her dad and she will still see him and be involved in his life so it might be best if they learn how to care for each other. I’m not married so I have no advice on that front.
 
If you go forward with separating, please, don’t let your daughter think she’s responsible. Can you see yourself, in a few years, struggling financially and/or emotionally, saying to your daughter ‘if it wasn’t for you, I never would have left your father’? And, trust me, there will be difficulties between you and your daughter, in future years. She needs neither the empowerment nor the guilt…both will make her miserable, more miserable than these seemingly petty disagreements she has with her father now. If you decide to separate, leave your daughter out of it.
 
Allegra said:
In what way does separating help her daughter with her relationship with her father? Do you think a separation automatically means that the mother and daughter go off on their way and dad just becomes a disagreeable memory? That’s not how it usually works. Most likely, her dad will have visitiation with her or even shared custody, which the OP will have absolutely zero say in or influence over. At any rate, it does nothing toward what should be the actual goal of improving the relationship between the two because, believe it or not, even if your father is an unreasonable tyrant, it still creates a lifetime of hurt if he isn’t part of your life.
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I got the impression from the OP that there is emotional abuse involved in the equation. Maybe that is a leap, which is why I stated only OP knows the correct thing to do. Four year old little girls don’t typically hate their fathers for no reason, or for any reason. This is becasue of a big reason and some major dysfunction. Our job as parents is first to protect our kids.
 
That IS a leap. There are actually many things that can cause a girl to not get along with her father that don’t even remotely constitute emotional abuse. And it’s both illogical and irresponsible to tell the OP that “only she knows” if for no other reason that parental alienation is one of the more common of those reasons. I’m not trying to say that the OP is guilty of parental alienation, but it certainly is a possibility and the right person to determine what is going on in this situation is a good family counselor.

At any rate, even if this WAS a situation of emotional abuse, what would a separation do to protect the daughter? All a separation would do is obligate her to spend at least every other weekend with her father unsupervised, in a situation where her mother has no control over.
 
We are all entitled to our ideas. I stand by mine. OP didn’t give nearly enough information for any of us to state “there doesn’t seem to be any reason for separation”. The reason I posted was to point out that there may very well be plenty of reason for separation. Sometimes, I truly am shocked at the advice well-meaning people dispense here without nearly enough information to have an opinion one way or another.
 
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