Marriage, mental illness and children

[Convert_in_99]

Ok so I have serious mental illness (obsessive compulsive disorder.) My husband and and I got married in the Catholic Church. My husband knew about the severity of my mental illness prior to marriage. We were open to having kids for the first eight years of our marriage. My husband has aged 10 years and with two jobs just so we can get the basics (he will not take government aid) he has a heavy burden to carry. Between his stress of working so much, taking care of me, and he is still heavily grieving our baby’s loss, he says he can’t handle the idea of having kids or another child’s death. He also thinks it’s best for me not to have kids cause of the OCD.

So long story short we are probably using NFP the rest of our fertile years. So since we have no living children, and we are basically emotionally unable to have children, at least under the immense stress we’ve been through…should we stay married? Doesn’t intentionally not having kids in a marriage invalidate it? Doesn’t mental illness invalidate it since it existed prior to our marriage and has made us unable to continue to be open to children? We don’t want to separate, just wondering if the situation is okay to stay in. Can we still have sex as long as we use NFP and not birth control. Or should we just live as brother and sister. I’m so confused on this.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

The validity of a marriage is based on conditions when you marry, not down the road.

If you were open to life when you married, and as long as your OCD didn’t stop you from understanding the nature of marriage and being able to agree to it, then yes you’re validly married.

And yes, you can still have sex.

 

[underacloud]

You’ve posted already on this and the issues were discussed in that previous thread. With regard to your particular circumstances, these are questions for a) your doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist and b) your priest.

But, with that said, some answers seem clear enough…

should we stay married?

Yes. Of course.

Doesn’t intentionally not having kids in a marriage invalidate it?

No, only *entering *the marriage with the intention to not have children would invalidate it. From what you said, this is not the case.

We don’t want to separate, just wondering if the situation is okay to stay in.

Yes, all Catholic marriages enjoy the presumption of validity.

Can we still have sex as long as we use NFP and not birth control. Or should we just live as brother and sister. I’m so confused on this.

You can have sex and use NFP indefinitely, if you have serious reasons to avoid pregnancy. Whether your reasons are sufficiently serious is not for any of us to say - talk to your doctor and priest. I’m not sure why OCD would precude you having children, but again it’s a question for medical/psychological/psychiatric experts, not internet strangers.

No, you do not need to live as brother and sister.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Thank you for your quick replies! I think it’s just my illness obsessing over the situation. It’s just so different from where we were when we first married. We wanted a large family, and DH was still attending mass with me then. Things have changed so drastically. I’m just trying to get adjusted some how. DH is nearing 40. I think he’s hitting that midlife crisis age

 

[Xantippe]

Is there some form of aid that you can take that your husband would not mind as much?

If he works himself to death because he’s too proud to accept help, where does that leave you?

 

[Sue_D_Num]

I have OCD as well and I understand how debilitating it can be. I have been receiving treatment for over 15 years. I am curious what kind of treatment you are receiving if it is still this difficult for you.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Is there some form of aid that you can take that your husband would not mind as much?

If he works himself to death because he’s too proud to accept help, where does that leave you?

I worry about his health too but he won’t hear of Government or familial assistance. Male pride I guess.

I have OCD as well and I understand how debilitating it can be. I have been receiving treatment for over 15 years. I am curious what kind of treatment you are receiving if it is still this difficult for you.

I am under the care of a good psychiatrist and on three meds! Even still I am pretty sick. I also have Fibromyalgia which doesn’t help either.

 

[Xantippe]

I worry about his health too but he won’t hear of Government or familial assistance. Male pride I guess.

What would he say if you said, “I’m worried about you working so much, honey, and I’m worried what will happen to me if you work yourself to death. I think we need to think about signing up for blah blah blah”?

Just leave it there and see what he says.

Another possibility is to say, “We’re really struggling. Honey, Monday I’m signing up for blah blah blah.”

Related:

patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2015/04/17/the-day-i-bought-steak-with-my-food-stamps/

Make your husband read that and help him understand that not getting help is imposing a lot of stress on you and that it’s bad for you.

 

[Convert_in_99]

What would he say if you said, “I’m worried about you working so much, honey, and I’m worried what will happen to me if you work yourself to death. I think we need to think about signing up for blah blah blah”?

Just leave it there and see what he says.

Another possibility is to say, “Honey, Monday I’m signing up for blah blah blah.”

I have asked him every which way. He won’t go to the doctor for a checkup either. Men!

I would get an earful if I did that! He has a temper and I have to walk on eggshells to keep it at bay. He’s not against me obtaining government support, just not while he’s still able-bodied and can still work.

 

[Xantippe]

I have asked him every which way. He won’t go to the doctor for a checkup either. Men!

I would get an earful if I did that! He has a temper and I have to walk on eggshells to keep it at bay. He’s not against me obtaining government support, just not while he’s still able-bodied and can still work.

Do you have the necessities of life covered?

If not, think about it.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Do you have the necessities of life covered?

If not, think about it.

Food, rent, water, basic medical insurance (a must for me!) gas and electric we get on his one salary. Anything goes wrong with anything, the car, expensive health costs, keeping the student loan and other people off our back, etc. we need the second job