Marriage more important than children?

[AdamP88]

Old Thread Alert

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I realize this thread hasn’t been active in a number of years, but the title and the overall context hits close to home, as there is a troubling situation going on in my social circle that brings this prioritization of marriage vs. children to the fore in a slightly different way than discussed earlier in the thread. I was hoping some of you might have some insights that I could share with the couple.

In particular, I have been thinking and praying over how this prioritization comes into play when one of the spouses feels that the psychological stress that accompanies the raising of a special-needs child (for example, one with Down Syndrome or cerebral palsy) is more than they are capable of handling. It has gotten to the point where they see themselves heading for a mental breakdown, in spite of therapy and medication, and are in a place where they think that giving the child up for adoption is the only way to go, because for the sake of their mental well-being they can’t stick it out in the long run. (The alternative to adoption would be to leave their spouse and child, but they are sickened by the thought of it coming to that.)

The other spouse is not on board with either idea, being that (as others have mentioned in this thread), their Catholic wedding vows included a commitment to accept children as a blessing from God, which was unqualified as to the health of the children. They are fully supportive of seeking additional help with caretaking to ease the burden on their spouse, or even halting their own career (they both work) to focus on being a primary caregiver, but these aren’t necessarily feasible long-term solutions.

Putting it mildly, they are at something of an impasse. There may yet be some opportunity for prayerful marital/family counseling to resolve the situation, but the way things are headed for now, it seems like it’s only a matter of time before an ultimatum is issued: “you can have me, or have the child, but not both.”

Obviously, this is not a choice anyone can easily make (along the lines of the cliff analogy in the last entry), and it’s gotten me thinking, which would be the moral choice for the spouse who wishes to continue parenting?

(1) Agree to place the child with another, intact family who is seeking a special-needs child in particular (they are out there!), perhaps in an open adoption to retain some level of contact, and then work to salvage the marriage relationship.

(2) Stand by the commitment to accept children without limitation, and weather the storm if the spouse decides to leave?

I have my own thoughts on this, but don’t want to muddy the waters with my possibly errant reasoning, so I’d like to hear from others what their views are. I’d prefer to hear about rationales for this binary choice (1 or 2) before any suggestions for other options, since this is the current “reality” and there are also details I’ve left out which might preclude it.

The only thing I will add since I think it might make a difference is that this is an only child – so no effects on siblings to consider.

Thank you in advance for your insights - in the meantime, I’ll keep praying for them

This is a very interesting dilemma – why not start a new thread about it?

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

I have known thousands of people who have been divorced, and, while there are certainly exceptions, it has seemed to me that the big ME comes first in many marriages. Not the spouse, not the children.

Now, if one asks who SHOULD come first, in my mind there is no question that the children come first. The parents are adults, and ought to act as adults. And among the things adults ought to do is to act in a mature manner and care for those who are not adults, particularly those whom they brought into the world. I see no inconsistency between a “children first” orientation and a strong marriage. A spouse who is truly loving toward his children, and of good heart, will not fail to be loving toward his spouse.

Agree 100%.

 

[john1513]

marriage is more important than children

Yes. No marriage = no healthy children. Children learn how to love by watching their parents love each other. Always putting the child above the spouse does not teach the child love. If a couple cannot make each other happy, or serve each other, children will not know what a functional marriage is.

Not only that, but there is no end to a child’s needs. Part of raising a child is teaching them how to be independent and meet their own needs. Otherwise we would have children living with their parents until their 30s (oh wait)…

your spouse’s (usually husband’s) needs come first

I frequently have to put my wife’s needs above my children’s. If the wife/mom doesn’t want to do something (e.g. not feeling well, stressed, etc.), it’s not happening no matter how much the children or I want it to.

couples must have alone time and go out on dates, leaving the kids with sitters, if they want their marriage to work.

No. You do not need to be absent from your children to put your spouse first. On the contrary, your children should frequently see their parents serving each other.