Marriage nerves?!

[greenchelle]

I am getting married soon. The mounting material nonsense has left me feeling that I have not spiritually or emotionally prepared myself for this sacrament. I will try and get to as many masses as I can, and confession, before the wedding. But I have a few rumbling nerves.

My worries are:

1. I’m having frequent dreams about my partner having affairs. I’ve watched many of my family trapped in adulterous, violent marriages. I am starting to feel rumblings of jealousy and insecurity for the first time in 7 years. I think that he is very desirable to his female friends and I worry he would develop feelings for someone more like him…
2. I couldn’t be more different from his friends and family. I feel extraordinarily lonely in their presence. I find myself hoping that our children, are like him (because he’s lovely) but not like them. What if I have nothing in common with my own children? What if they pass on their very disturbing attitudes? Or what if they look down on my family and friends as his do.
3. Relations with my in-laws to be have become very, very strained during the planning of the wedding. I tried very hard to include them in the beginning but so many hurtful things were said along the way that I now find myself panicking every time they telephone us, or If we have to visit. I don’t want my partner to lose his relationship with them so I often prompt him to visit, but I always hope to have another commitment. When they say anything hurtful or when it is actually verbally attacking me, my partner defends me if he is there in the moment. But he is blessed with easily forgiving and forgetting, and so he ends up being hurt twice, once by the cruelty of what is said (sometimes He’s left in tears) and then he is hurt again by my now raging anxiety and avoidance tactics. I am worried because I know it won’t stop at the wedding, it will flair up again if we are blessed with children. I’m also worried that they bring out the worst in me; I need to fill myself with love not hate.
4. at times I find my partner very supportive of my love for my own cultural ways but other times I feel he tries to squash it. I understand this in some ways, we don’t live in my homeland, and he is not from the same place. my hunger for it probably has no end. And he definitely wants to create a new start with us. We have to leave our parents and cling to each other. I’m finding it hard to let go but also finding hard to explain, that doing things his way isn’t compromising. It’s just me leaving my ways behind.
5. This is forever. I only get one chance. I don’t want to be like my mum, or other women in my family who were abandoned by their husbands. But I can only love him and hope for the best. That’s scary.

What do you think?

Thank you to anyone who has the patience to read through my worries

 

[underacloud]

Nerves? Hard to discern the nerves from the serious issues that need to be addresssed.

My guess - and it’s no more than a guess really - is that points 1 and 2 can be put down to nerves. Point 3 however needs to be addressed. It sounds like there are serious concerns with his family and you and your fiance need to discuss this very seriously. It’s great that he stands up for you - that’s a great sign for your marriage. But it’s clearly taking a toll on you both and so you need to discuss how you will -together - deal with this challenge.

 

[robwar]

I am getting married soon. The mounting material nonsense has left me feeling that I have not spiritually or emotionally prepared myself for this sacrament. I will try and get to as many masses as I can, and confession, before the wedding. But I have a few rumbling nerves.

My worries are:

1. I’m having frequent dreams about my partner having affairs. I’ve watched many of my family trapped in adulterous, violent marriages. I am starting to feel rumblings of jealousy and insecurity for the first time in 7 years. I think that he is very desirable to his female friends and I worry he would develop feelings for someone more like him…
2. I couldn’t be more different from his friends and family. I feel extraordinarily lonely in their presence. I find myself hoping that our children, are like him (because he’s lovely) but not like them. What if I have nothing in common with my own children? What if they pass on their very disturbing attitudes? Or what if they look down on my family and friends as his do.
3. Relations with my in-laws to be have become very, very strained during the planning of the wedding. I tried very hard to include them in the beginning but so many hurtful things were said along the way that I now find myself panicking every time they telephone us, or If we have to visit. I don’t want my partner to lose his relationship with them so I often prompt him to visit, but I always hope to have another commitment. When they say anything hurtful or when it is actually verbally attacking me, my partner defends me if he is there in the moment. But he is blessed with easily forgiving and forgetting, and so he ends up being hurt twice, once by the cruelty of what is said (sometimes He’s left in tears) and then he is hurt again by my now raging anxiety and avoidance tactics. I am worried because I know it won’t stop at the wedding, it will flair up again if we are blessed with children. I’m also worried that they bring out the worst in me; I need to fill myself with love not hate.
4. at times I find my partner very supportive of my love for my own cultural ways but other times I feel he tries to squash it. I understand this in some ways, we don’t live in my homeland, and he is not from the same place. my hunger for it probably has no end. And he definitely wants to create a new start with us. We have to leave our parents and cling to each other. I’m finding it hard to let go but also finding hard to explain, that doing things his way isn’t compromising. It’s just me leaving my ways behind.
5. This is forever. I only get one chance. I don’t want to be like my mum, or other women in my family who were abandoned by their husbands. But I can only love him and hope for the best. That’s scary.

What do you think?

Thank you to anyone who has the patience to read through my worries

You need to have a frank discussion with your priest and then find a good premarital counselor to address all these issues.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am getting married soon. The mounting material nonsense has left me feeling that I have not spiritually or emotionally prepared myself for this sacrament. I will try and get to as many masses as I can, and confession, before the wedding. But I have a few rumbling nerves.

My worries are:

1. I’m having frequent dreams about my partner having affairs. I’ve watched many of my family trapped in adulterous, violent marriages. I am starting to feel rumblings of jealousy and insecurity for the first time in 7 years. I think that he is very desirable to his female friends and I worry he would develop feelings for someone more like him…
2. I couldn’t be more different from his friends and family. I feel extraordinarily lonely in their presence. I find myself hoping that our children, are like him (because he’s lovely) but not like them. What if I have nothing in common with my own children? What if they pass on their very disturbing attitudes? Or what if they look down on my family and friends as his do.
3. Relations with my in-laws to be have become very, very strained during the planning of the wedding. I tried very hard to include them in the beginning but so many hurtful things were said along the way that I now find myself panicking every time they telephone us, or If we have to visit. I don’t want my partner to lose his relationship with them so I often prompt him to visit, but I always hope to have another commitment. When they say anything hurtful or when it is actually verbally attacking me, my partner defends me if he is there in the moment. But he is blessed with easily forgiving and forgetting, and so he ends up being hurt twice, once by the cruelty of what is said (sometimes He’s left in tears) and then he is hurt again by my now raging anxiety and avoidance tactics. I am worried because I know it won’t stop at the wedding, it will flair up again if we are blessed with children. I’m also worried that they bring out the worst in me; I need to fill myself with love not hate.
4. at times I find my partner very supportive of my love for my own cultural ways but other times I feel he tries to squash it. I understand this in some ways, we don’t live in my homeland, and he is not from the same place. my hunger for it probably has no end. And he definitely wants to create a new start with us. We have to leave our parents and cling to each other. I’m finding it hard to let go but also finding hard to explain, that doing things his way isn’t compromising. It’s just me leaving my ways behind.
5. This is forever. I only get one chance. I don’t want to be like my mum, or other women in my family who were abandoned by their husbands. But I can only love him and hope for the best. That’s scary.

What do you think?

Thank you to anyone who has the patience to read through my worries

1. Those dreams are nonsense.
2. Your children will be just that. YOUR children.
3. I love my inlaws. My wife, not so much. It does not really affect our marriage though. For some it does.
4. I can’t speak to that.
5. Yup. You must choose wisely. And honestly you know deep down if this is a wise choice or not.

 

[Regina7]

You need to have a frank discussion with your priest and then find a good premarital counselor to address all these issues.

I agree. The issues with the in-laws are more than just nerves- it’s a real problem.

As for the kid concerns, don’t worry. My children have undesirable traits (don’t we all), but my job is to help them control this. Your kids will, without a doubt, have traits that you don’t like. My daughter especially has driven me to tears on more than one occasion…but I’d lay down my life for her, without hesitation. Having children has been the hardest job I’ve ever had but also the most rewarding. The love I have for my children is stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced.

Good luck…and go see that priest.