Marriage not blessed

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Mamanurse

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I married my husband at knowing him and living with him after 9mths. I left me faith when I was 22 yrs old and got married that same year- we have now been married 5 yrs. My husband was raised a lutheran, but never really practiced anything. He doesn’t believe in conformed religion what so ever. Last year, when I told him that I wanted to return to my faith, he said sure, just don’t expect me to go. I accepted this and went a few times. I formally, to myself, made a commitment to return to the church this past fall, again he said sure go ahead. I have made my “first” confession again and have been taking our 4 yr old son with me to church every week. One thing I don’t think my DH expected was when I returned to church that some of my ideals, beliefs and actions would change. Things that may have ok with me when we were first married are no longer ok, such as porn, masturbation. I understand his frustration, because I am not the person I was when we were first together.He still masturbates occ. and doesn’t enjoy the sexual experience of intercourse nearly as much as that or oral, so therefore has asked me if I can resolve to accept the fact that we just won’t be able to please eachother at the same time-ie. we please eachother thru oral, sometimes sex, but mostly give up a sexual mutual union. We have totally different views of what sex should be, I think that it should be a unitive act that brings us not only closer together, but closer to God. He thinks that it is an act out of convienence and that sex is an act of selfishness on his part, because his orgasm isn’t as good without oral completion. He feels that oral sex in its completion is way more intimate than sex itself-,mostly because he prefers it to sex due to the outcome. We are in marriage counseling and are trying to save our marrige. It seems as though the religion and sex issues are overwhelming and could possibly be the breaking points of our relationship. Since I know that God is first and foremost in my life, how do I continue my faith walk and try to please my husband the way he feels is necessary?? – There is a lot of info here, I tried to be as accurate as possible, so if any questions to clarify are needed, please feel free.
 
You cannot do the things your husband thinks are “necessary” because they are offensive to God.

Yes, you have reawakened to your faith and the Holy Spirit is guiding you towards holiness. Your husband is headed in another direction entirely.
 
First question, were you married in the Church (or did you recieve permission to marry outside the Church)? If you were not married according to the laws of the Church, get a meeting with your Priest ASAP.

Next, of course you cannot commit sin in the bedroom. If you are not validly married, you will need to stop having sex and get into good counseling with a Priest.
 
you need to see your priest for pastoral counselling that respects your own individual situation, so you can find out how to reconcile with the Church, including all those issues related to marriage and family. Welcome Home.
 
I just got back from a meeting with my priest. He has told me that I must commit myself to the Lord and not to the sinful ways that my husband wants to follow. We were married outside of the church, ie by JOP. I have been contemplating divorce for quite a while now, I think I may have my answer.
 
Mamanurse said:
I just got back from a meeting with my priest. He has told me that I must commit myself to the Lord and not to the sinful ways that my husband wants to follow. We were married outside of the church, ie by JOP. I have been contemplating divorce for quite a while now, I think I may have my answer.
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May Our Lord and His Blessed Mother be with you on your journey. It was a very good thing that you went to see a priest. Some people want to come back to the Church and keep putting it off because they don’t want to deal with confrontation. Pray for him that he be enlightened, and don’t allow him to tempt you to change your mind.
 
Welcome back to the Church! The angels and saints in heaven are rejoicing over your return as are your Catholic brothers and sisters here on earth.

Put God first–above all else–and you will be okay. Turn to your priest for advice and follow it. We can support you through prayer here at CAF but it sounds like you might benefit from counseling in addition to meeting with your priest. Can you find a good Catholic counselor in your area?

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Welcome home. It seems like you have found your answers just take it one day at a time and one step at a time and God will provide. Praying for you.
 
If you have been looking for an excuse to divorce this is not necessarily it, you have a son together and you have his welfare, material and spiritual, for which you are accountable to consider. Why not first continue to meet with the priest, being fully open with your husband on what you are doing and why, get the pastoral care and formation in the Faith you need, and bring your husband for marriage counselling when he is ready (almost always advised before convalidation for a mixed-religion couple). And see to your son’s faith formation and reception of the sacraments.

Your husband has to be informed of your choices, what is binding on you, and how your reconversion is going to change your life. that does not bind him, but he has a right to know what is going on with you. Bear in mind the Church will not convalidate a rocky marriage, or one where conditions for validity are clearly not in place, so all this preparation will help you both know more about your relationship and where it is headed, and what has to change to make it work.
 
puzzleannie said:
If you have been looking for an excuse to divorce this is not necessarily it, you have a son together and you have his welfare, material and spiritual, for which you are accountable to consider. Why not first continue to meet with the priest, being fully open with your husband on what you are doing and why, get the pastoral care and formation in the Faith you need, and bring your husband for marriage counselling when he is ready (almost always advised before convalidation for a mixed-religion couple). And see to your son’s faith formation and reception of the sacraments.

Your husband has to be informed of your choices, what is binding on you, and how your reconversion is going to change your life. that does not bind him, but he has a right to know what is going on with you. Bear in mind the Church will not convalidate a rocky marriage, or one where conditions for validity are clearly not in place, so all this preparation will help you both know more about your relationship and where it is headed, and what has to change to make it work.
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While I haven’t been happy in our marriage for quite sometime now, I haven’t really sought out reasons for divorce. As I stated before, my DH and I have been in therapy for 3 mths now. Therapy is actually bringing out a lot of our issues, which is good, but at the same time very difficult. I have given my DH of the choices he has, he is very adament to keep the marriage together, but has informed me that he will continue to masturbate in light of the fact that he has “sacrificed” his porn watching. I am not looking for the Church to convalidate my marriage at this time, due to the circumstances I know that is not possible. We are just trying to figure out if the marriage as is can even continue with any form of understanding.
 
I think you are quite right to continue getting help in every area you can, and we will all be praying for you.
 
Mamanurse said:
While I haven’t been happy in our marriage for quite sometime now, I haven’t really sought out reasons for divorce. As I stated before, my DH and I have been in therapy for 3 mths now. Therapy is actually bringing out a lot of our issues, which is good, but at the same time very difficult. I have given my DH of the choices he has, he is very adament to keep the marriage together, but has informed me that he will continue to masturbate in light of the fact that he has “sacrificed” his porn watching. I am not looking for the Church to convalidate my marriage at this time, due to the circumstances I know that is not possible. We are just trying to figure out if the marriage as is can even continue with any form of understanding.
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His masturbation is not your sin. I think this is one of those times where you can only keep your side of the street clean. Praying for you.
 
As you pray and work this out, remember, according to what you have stated here, you are not married to this man. You have a civil marriage licencse only. There is no marriage in the sight of God, so, any sexual activities you have with him are sinful.

Prayers that you can return to the Sacraments soon!
 
Mamanurse said:
While I haven’t been happy in our marriage for quite sometime now, I haven’t really sought out reasons for divorce. As I stated before, my DH and I have been in therapy for 3 mths now. Therapy is actually bringing out a lot of our issues, which is good, but at the same time very difficult. I have given my DH of the choices he has, he is very adament to keep the marriage together, but has informed me that he will continue to masturbate in light of the fact that he has “sacrificed” his porn watching. I am not looking for the Church to convalidate my marriage at this time, due to the circumstances I know that is not possible. We are just trying to figure out if the marriage as is can even continue with any form of understanding.
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How good of him to “sacrifice” his porn :rolleyes:

Best thing right now is to continue counseling. Since your marriage isn’t valid within the Church, what would he do/say if you told him that you were going to abstain from sex to avoid sin? Do you think it would prompt him to take you more seriously?
 
I only know what you’ve posted here so I hope I’m not too out of line.

I think it is possible for you to return fully to the Church and stay in your marriage with your husband.

This marriage should not include sex until it is blessed by the Church.

Don’t allow your return to faith to be an excuse for divorce. You should stay in your marriage, practice your faith and, in time, your husband might just come around to the truth.

Even if he doesn’t, you will be setting a great example for your son.
 
adv1sor said:
I only know what you’ve posted here so I hope I’m not too out of line.

I think it is possible for you to return fully to the Church and stay in your marriage with your husband.

This marriage should not include sex until it is blessed by the Church.

Don’t allow your return to faith to be an excuse for divorce. You should stay in your marriage, practice your faith and, in time, your husband might just come around to the truth.

Even if he doesn’t, you will be setting a great example for your son.
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Unfortunately I have spoken to my priest about this and since my husband doesn’t believe that sex and all sexual acts should be unitive AND procreative at all times as the church teaches, we therefore cannot have a blessed marriage. This is not an excuse for divorce, but unfortunately my marriage is and has been on the rocks for quite a while. Between the porn, masturbation and oral sex and therefore lack of any faith on my spouses side our marriage has not been the healthiest. Thanks for your reply.
 
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