Marriage not recognized by the church...now what?

[Monica1234]

Okay, so I actually know kind of what I need to do, but I am struggling with the impact it will have on my family.

I have been married for 14 years. We were married civilly. I am a confirmed Catholic. My husband is a baptized Catholic but never attended church beyond his baptism. We currently attend a Christian non-denominational church where my husband is very happy. I desire to return to the Catholic Church and my husband supports me but does not want to go with me, nor does he want our children to go there. He is concerned that the faith is “too deep” and he doesn’t want our children to get confused or end up with “Catholic guilt,” etc. He also feels it is too rigid and ritualistic.

My husband is not really a strong Christian. He just likes our church because it has great kids programs, they never ask for money (gift boxes are at the doors, but no basket is ever passed), and it is socially fun. They take you where you’re at and don’t ask anything of you beyond what you feel comfortable with. I think that is great, because it’s what got us going to church and at least budded his relationship with God.

But there is so much more in the Catholic faith and I long for it for myself as well as for my husband and children. I don’t want to push him. AT ALL. I told him that no matter what I don’t want this to cause any tension between us. He respects and loves me. Our marriage has gone through very rocky times in the past and we are both more committed to each other in love than ever before and don’t want to damage our relationship in any way. I was patient with him before when we first started attending our current church and he came around in his own time. I want to do the same with this change. My prayer is that through my perseverance and good attitude he will eventually develop a curiosity that will lead him into the faith.

However, I am not able to partake of the sacraments while our marriage is not recognized by the Church. He is willing to do whatever it takes to get our marriage blessed except agree that our children be raised Catholic. The priest I spoke with told me that is what needs to be done since children are one of the main purposes of marriage.

I don’t know if I should continue in my current state without partaking of sacraments for the sake of my marriage or if there is a way to get my marriage recognized by the church for just me without any promises made toward the rearing of our children.

My intention is to share my faith with them, but without my husband’s approval I will not enroll them in CCD or give them any formal religious education. I honestly believe that God does not want me to create disharmony in my home.

Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

[crazzeto]

That marriage would not be recognized as valid, you will need to have your marriage convalidated, and you will need to go to confession. I think the big problem is your husbands lukewarmness, it’s a very big problem particularly if you want your childeren to actually be Christian. A very large percentage of athiests and agnostics had fathers who were disinterested in the faith.

So what we’re going to have to work on here is, getting him lit on fire for God.

 

[puzzleannie]

meet with the pastor of the Catholic parish in which you would like to participate, and give him all, complete details of your marriage situation, your baptismal status and that of your husband, and your past faith history. Make an appointment for this interview and tell him it is about PASTORAL issues related to your marriage and reception into the Church (pastoral is the key work, which means they are topics only he can give you a good answer to, because they relate to the state of your soul). I can meet you as the DRE who will guide your formation and enroll you in a class and take care of your paperwork, but only the priest can give specific advice related to your marriage sitatuation, or to any other aspect of your life that may be matter for confession (possibly present an occasion of sin).

If your husband is not Catholic, you not he, must agree to do all in your power to raise your children Catholic, and he must be informed of that promise. You and he must be instructed in Catholic teaching on marriage, including openness to children, and what that means for your married life. You will no doubt be sent to some type of marriage preparation suitable for your own circumstances, as well as invited to take classes to prepare you for sacraments and reception into the Church. But a priest cannnot possibly give an accurate, casual answer to a marriage question until he knows all your circumstances.

There are pastoral solutions where one person wants to become Catholic and the other does not, or resists complying with laws that bind the Catholic party, but only your priest can tell you what is needed for your personal situation.

 

[kage_ar]

Why would you want to keep your children from the Sacraments? Your kids souls are more important than having fun and games at the “First Church of What’s Happening Now”

 

[Seatuck]

Okay, so I actually know kind of what I need to do, but I am struggling with the impact it will have on my family.

I have been married for 14 years. We were married civilly. I am a confirmed Catholic. My husband is a baptized Catholic but never attended church beyond his baptism. We currently attend a Christian non-denominational church where my husband is very happy. I desire to return to the Catholic Church and my husband supports me but does not want to go with me, nor does he want our children to go there. He is concerned that the faith is “too deep” and he doesn’t want our children to get confused or end up with “Catholic guilt,” etc. He also feels it is too rigid and ritualistic.

My husband is not really a strong Christian. He just likes our church because it has great kids programs, they never ask for money (gift boxes are at the doors, but no basket is ever passed), and it is socially fun. They take you where you’re at and don’t ask anything of you beyond what you feel comfortable with. I think that is great, because it’s what got us going to church and at least budded his relationship with God.

But there is so much more in the Catholic faith and I long for it for myself as well as for my husband and children. I don’t want to push him. AT ALL. I told him that no matter what I don’t want this to cause any tension between us. He respects and loves me. Our marriage has gone through very rocky times in the past and we are both more committed to each other in love than ever before and don’t want to damage our relationship in any way. I was patient with him before when we first started attending our current church and he came around in his own time. I want to do the same with this change. My prayer is that through my perseverance and good attitude he will eventually develop a curiosity that will lead him into the faith.

However, I am not able to partake of the sacraments while our marriage is not recognized by the Church. He is willing to do whatever it takes to get our marriage blessed except agree that our children be raised Catholic. The priest I spoke with told me that is what needs to be done since children are one of the main purposes of marriage.

I don’t know if I should continue in my current state without partaking of sacraments for the sake of my marriage or if there is a way to get my marriage recognized by the church for just me without any promises made toward the rearing of our children.

My intention is to share my faith with them, but without my husband’s approval I will not enroll them in CCD or give them any formal religious education. I honestly believe that God does not want me to create disharmony in my home.

Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

He does not have to agree to do anything. Just not stand in your way should you choose to begin teaching your children about the faith. You should follow your conscience which is obviously telling you to get back in the Sacraments. You do not have to turn your whole life upside down in order to do that. In fact you could ask for a Radical Sanation of your husband does not want to stand up with you in front of the priest.

With regard to your children , you need to take some time to relearn the faith and start practicing it yourself. You don’t have to yank your kids away from what they are familiar with and confuse them. You can teach them at a more slower pace. They will have questions you will have answers. You will go through each season of Catholic life. You will be an example to them and to your husband. You will plant seeds. You can gauge whether more information or action is appropriate. It would be wonderful if you could proceed on this journey all together as a family but it might not be possible. Ask your husband to start studying the Catholic Faith with you . Get the Catechism (it’s online) Get Catholicism for Dummies ( really a great book) There are other great books out there. Tell your husband about this website. You can both ask questions and get answers and better understanding.
Another awesome source of information and guidance is Steve Ray’s Defenders of the Catholic Faith website and message board. Lots of help over there often from converts. That is how I strengthened up my faith and got myself back on track years ago. From the stories of converts. The Surprised by Truth books are awesome full of great stories and truth. So is Scott and Kimberly Hahn’s story in Rome Sweet Home.

Spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ask for God to guide you .You will need of course to go to confession. Lent is a great time for this.

Praying…

 

[Monica1234]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

Crazzeto, thank you for reminding me of the term “convalidated.” I was trying to remember it when I was typing. You made a good point about fathers having a large role in their children’s spiritual formation. That is exactly my concern for why I don’t want to create disharmony. Right now he is content with where we are and I don’t want to risk turning him off more. He is on a spiritual journey and I don’t want to do anything that could cause him to stray from his path. Barraging him with requirements that must be fulfilled by the Church are a turn-off for him, which would solidify his conviction that the church is rigid and impersonal.

kage_ar, I have no desire to keep my children from the Sacraments, but without the foundation of a home grounded in the faith, the odds of their appreciation for them are greatly diminished. I was raised in a very loving and sincere Catholic home, and yet I strayed. How much more greatly of a chance do my children have for doubt when they are in a divided home? I wish I lived in a family where the answers were clear but the choices I’ve made in my life have brought me to my present situation and I take this matter very seriously. I am wrestling with not only my children’s relationship with God, but also my husband’s. I have faith that God will get us through this, I just don’t know how yet and am doing my best to work it out. I do not want my children to be like the seeds that fell on stony ground, growing for a time, but then dying for lack of depth.

Puzzleannie, I am taking your advice to meet again with the pastor. I have a call in and am awaiting an appointment. I am hoping that, like you said, there will be pastoral solutions for my personal situation. The less I have to involve my husband in this process the better. I mean that out of respect for him.

 

[Monica1234]

Thank you Seatuck for your words. I have tears in my eyes now because you spoke to my heart, especially the seed part because I just wrote about that in my previous reply. God bless you and thank you for your prayers.

 

[crazzeto]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

Crazzeto, thank you for reminding me of the term “convalidated.” I was trying to remember it when I was typing. You made a good point about fathers having a large role in their children’s spiritual formation. That is exactly my concern for why I don’t want to create disharmony. Right now he is content with where we are and I don’t want to risk turning him off more. He is on a spiritual journey and I don’t want to do anything that could cause him to stray from his path. Barraging him with requirements that must be fulfilled by the Church are a turn-off for him, which would solidify his conviction that the church is rigid and impersonal.

kage_ar, I have no desire to keep my children from the Sacraments, but without the foundation of a home grounded in the faith, the odds of their appreciation for them are greatly diminished. I was raised in a very loving and sincere Catholic home, and yet I strayed. How much more greatly of a chance do my children have for doubt when they are in a divided home? I wish I lived in a family where the answers were clear but the choices I’ve made in my life have brought me to my present situation and I take this matter very seriously. I am wrestling with not only my children’s relationship with God, but also my husband’s. I have faith that God will get us through this, I just don’t know how yet and am doing my best to work it out. I do not want my children to be like the seeds that fell on stony ground, growing for a time, but then dying for lack of depth.

Puzzleannie, I am taking your advice to meet again with the pastor. I have a call in and am awaiting an appointment. I am hoping that, like you said, there will be pastoral solutions for my personal situation. The less I have to involve my husband in this process the better. I mean that out of respect for him.

This is what Apologetics are for, and why this forum exists It might help if you posted some of his beliefs, and why you think he’s turned off by the Church. I know you posted some stuff in the OP, but is that the extent of it? Or are there more underlying issues.

I would say the way things are right now, your childeren are at risk. He’s lukewarm, and it doesn’t sound like he has a compelling reason to change. The trick is finding ways to prod him, in a way that isn’t over bearing as you suggest. Heck, you might be supprised, he might fall into line the minute you start your journey back into the church. It’s happened many times before!

Incidently, welcome back home!

 

[prodigalson12]

It’s too much for him to handle, you are both called for growth, he’s just not listening. There is a book called Rome sweet Home by Scott Hahn, it’s written in a way that is perfect for a married couple since it switches back and forth, authorship between each side of it, giving (name removed by moderator)ut as to their experiences, and in this case, instead of the husband reaching forward, it’s the wife, so is perfectly relevant to your situation. If he reads this book, he’ll at least have some understanding of our faith, and a better adjustment will be made by him along his stance. If he refuses the book, simply tell him that this is going to make your marriage work out far better and eliminate your arguments along this matter., if he cannot be bothered to read a simple book, ask him why he’s not willing to make this tiny effort to help strengthen your marriage.

Above all, pray with him daily, even if it’s just the Lords prayer, make this a daily activity, and if you can get him to wear a Miraculous Medal, it’s inviting our blessed Mother to help out in a big way., he doesn’t even need to know what it’s for at all.

 

[puzzleannie]

I think the advice is good to work on your own spiritual formation first and when you feel more secure, more knowledgeable and stronger in your own faith, then start thinking about your children, and after that, your husband.

two books that families in your situation have found helpful (one wants to become Catholic, the other doesn’t)
are Rome Sweet Home by Kimberly and Scott Hahn
and Search and Rescue by Patrick Madrid (what to say and what not to say to family members about the faith, and how to say it)

 

[1ke]

Monica,

I don’t think people are listening to the details of your situation. You are a Catholic. Your husband is a Catholic.

If your children are over the age of reason (approximately 7) you don’t make any promises on their behalf anyway. Once they reach the age of reason it is they who would have to request that they be baptized (if not already) and/or be received into the Church.

If your children are under the age of reason, you could make that decision on their behalf, but not with an unwilling spouse.

Regarding promises to do all in one’s power to raise children Catholic, that promise is made in the context of getting permission for a mixed marriage.

You are not seeking a mixed marriage. Both are Catholic. Of course the Church expects Catholics to raise the children Catholic if it’s in your power, but you can certainly have your marriage convalidated or possibly radical sanation can be used.

You will be doing all in your power-- by working on your husband and by living an example and sharing your faith with your children. They will ask questions, they may decide to become Catholic on their own.

Go talk to a priest one on one and discuss the full situation. The priest should help you regularize your marriage and return to the sacraments. The grace flowing from there may help your husband find his way back.

 

[crazzeto]

@1ke, I know that baptised but not confirmed Catholics do end up going through RCIA, particularly because they’re missing Catholic Faith formation.

 

[Lancer]

I applaud you and your husband for the work you have done in your relationship and strengthening your marriage in the process…to include getting into a worshiping community. I also applaud your courage and to seek to return to your Catholic faith…in both aspects of your journey…all of it has been and is being accomplished by and through the graces of God…so to Him we can give prayerful thanksgiving.

The “calling” by the Holy Spirit for you to return to the fullness of your Catholic faith…will not be easy…but you must continue to trust the Holy Spirit and the Catholic Church…

**John 16:13 (NIV)
**

Jesus speaking to the Twelve…13But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

Two things to p(name removed by moderator)oint:
(1)…how much of your husband’s apprehensions and intransigence to raising your children in the Catholic Faith…is based on “truth and facts” that he knows about the Catholic Faith (Teachings/Dogma)?..how much is based on “erroneous knowledge and misconceptions” about the Catholic Faith?
(2)…how much of your husbands apprehensions and intransigence…is based on his own"lukewarm" Christian spirituality?

My point is that with the unvarnished facts and truths about the Catholic Faith and Church…he would not block you in raising the children as Catholics…and (overtime) more open to practicing the faith himself.

Maybe the indirect “route” (follow the Holy Spirit’s inspirations in your heart on this)…might be to get him “fired up” in his own personal relationship with Our Lord Jesus Christ…his own Christian journey…maybe you can try to get him into a strong Men’s fellowship faith group.

Take a look at these quotes from the Catechism (CCC)…even though your husband was baptized as Catholic…it appears (in practical terms) that you are in a “mixed marriage” (Catholic married to a Christian in a sect…not in the Church).

1630 …The presence of the Church’s minister (and also of the witnesses) visibly expresses the fact that ***marriage is an ecclesial reality. ***
1631 This is the reason why the Church normally requires that the faithful contract marriage according to the ecclesiastical form. Several reasons converge to explain this requirement:134

• …
  ***- Marriage introduces one into an ecclesial order, and creates rights and duties in the Church between the spouses and towards their children; ***
• …

1634 Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ. But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome. The spouses risk experiencing the tragedy of Christian disunity even in the heart of their own home. Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties. Differences about faith and the very notion of marriage, but also different religious mentalities, can become sources of tension in marriage, especially as regards the education of children. The temptation to religious indifference can then arise.
1635 According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express* permission***** of ecclesiastical authority**.137 In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage.138 This permission or dispensation presupposes that both parties know and do not exclude the essential ends and properties of marriage; and furthermore that the Catholic party confirms the obligations, which have been made known to the non-Catholic party, of preserving his or her own faith and ensuring the baptism and education of the children in the Catholic Church.139

Lastly, here is an excerpt from Canon Law on mixed marriages
clerus.org/bibliaclerusonline/EN/cp2.htm

1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:

1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to** remove dangers of defecting from the faith** and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
​

2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;

3/…

As you can see…you will not only need the pastor…but he should have you talk with a Canon lawyer at the Diocese…the Bishops Chancery.

Last of all…don’t let the Holy Spirit “off the hook”…He guided you to this point…tell Him to make it happen (reverently of course)…just promise Him that you will be obedient to Him and to The Chruch…and follow…which ever path He sends you on…and that you will trust Him to bring this to fruitful completion…in His own good time!

Pax Christi

 

[Seatuck]

No Lancer this is not going to be handled as a mixed marriage. Once a baptized Catholic always a baptized Catholic.

 

[puzzleannie]

just checking back to see how things are going, and to remind Monica (what a wonderful patron saint for someone who is going to need a lot of patience and prayer for her family) that while she works on her own spiritual progress immense grace is coming to the whole family as she comes closer to the sacraments, and as another poster has said, the Holy Spirit can and will work wonders.

 

[1ke]

@1ke, I know that baptised but not confirmed Catholics do end up going through RCIA, particularly because they’re missing Catholic Faith formation.

The pastor might deem catchesis is in order, but as they are already Catholic it should be proximate preparation for the sacraments they will be receiving.

They are already Catholic. They are not receiving any of the Rites of RCIA.

If they have absolutely no faith formation, the catechesis portion of RCIA might be appropriate for them. In general, RCIA is NOT for Catholics.