Marriage on the rocks

[Still_Hoping]

In an 18 year marriage. I have been depressed because of lack of work, but getting unemployment benefits. Financially we are ok, but counting the pennies. Kids are adolescents and have their moods and it can put a struggle on our relationship because we have different parenting skills but I try to comply with DH. This week I refused him and he was getting impatient. Then one day this week I made an appointment with a massage therapist because I have cervical pain. When DH found out he was angry because I didn’t mention it; he went on to make a lascivious joke because he found out is was a old man who is blind btw. I immediately took offence and retorted that he was infantile and that his joke is getting old. I told him to start acting like a mature man. I wasn’t yelling but stated the fact.

He got very upset and left. Later he told me he wants me out of the house. I refused. Now it has been days since we have been together. He wants a divorce and to sell the house by June.

Needless to say that there has been other issues which for the most part have been under control. But my emotional state remains broken. You see my husband was abusive in many different ways in the first half of our relationship. The rest is trying to cope. He never wanted to deal with the issue; just forget about it. I can’t even bring it up. I keep it inside like a disease that comes and goes. When I am well I am in remission. When I am sad it comes back to hurt me.

What advice do you have? He is uncooperative and really hurt. I told him to wait for his anger to abate. I know my DH. Once he makes a decision there is no turning back.

I feel betrayed, hurt, sad, anxious and yet somewhat calm?

 

[flyonthewall86]

In an 18 year marriage. I have been depressed because of lack of work, but getting unemployment benefits. Financially we are ok, but counting the pennies. Kids are adolescents and have their moods and it can put a struggle on our relationship because we have different parenting skills but I try to comply with DH. This week I refused him and he was getting impatient. Then one day this week I made an appointment with a massage therapist because I have cervical pain. When DH found out he was angry because I didn’t mention it; he went on to make a lascivious joke because he found out is was a old man who is blind btw. I immediately took offence and retorted that he was infantile and that his joke is getting old. I told him to start acting like a mature man. I wasn’t yelling but stated the fact.

He got very upset and left. Later he told me he wants me out of the house. I refused. Now it has been days since we have been together. He wants a divorce and to sell the house by June.

Needless to say that there has been other issues which for the most part have been under control. But my emotional state remains broken. You see my husband was abusive in many different ways in the first half of our relationship. The rest is trying to cope. He never wanted to deal with the issue; just forget about it. I can’t even bring it up. I keep it inside like a disease that comes and goes. When I am well I am in remission. When I am sad it comes back to hurt me.

What advice do you have? He is uncooperative and really hurt. I told him to wait for his anger to abate. I know my DH. Once he makes a decision there is no turning back.

I feel betrayed, hurt, sad, anxious and yet somewhat calm?

Wouldn’t it be better to see an gynecologist for cervical pain rather than a massage therapist?

 

[Still_Hoping]

Wouldn’t it be better to see an gynecologist for cervical pain rather than a massage therapist?

In anatomy, cervical is an adjective that has two meanings:

of or pertaining to any neck.
of or pertaining to the female cervix: i.e., the neck of the uterus.

Mine is pertaining to the neck. I should of clarified it.

Sorry.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[Catholic1954]

In an 18 year marriage. I have been depressed because of lack of work, but getting unemployment benefits. Financially we are ok, but counting the pennies. Kids are adolescents and have their moods and it can put a struggle on our relationship because we have different parenting skills but I try to comply with DH. This week I refused him and he was getting impatient. Then one day this week I made an appointment with a massage therapist because I have cervical pain. When DH found out he was angry because I didn’t mention it; he went on to make a lascivious joke because he found out is was a old man who is blind btw. I immediately took offence and retorted that he was infantile and that his joke is getting old. I told him to start acting like a mature man. I wasn’t yelling but stated the fact.

He got very upset and left. Later he told me he wants me out of the house. I refused. Now it has been days since we have been together. He wants a divorce and to sell the house by June.

Needless to say that there has been other issues which for the most part have been under control. But my emotional state remains broken. You see my husband was abusive in many different ways in the first half of our relationship. The rest is trying to cope. He never wanted to deal with the issue; just forget about it. I can’t even bring it up. I keep it inside like a disease that comes and goes. When I am well I am in remission. When I am sad it comes back to hurt me.

What advice do you have? He is uncooperative and really hurt. I told him to wait for his anger to abate. I know my DH. Once he makes a decision there is no turning back.

I feel betrayed, hurt, sad, anxious and yet somewhat calm?

If your husband is thinking seriously about divorcing you, then you need to consult with a family lawyer about your rights and to protect yourself and the children. This might be a good time to seek some professional counseling, to help you cope with the emotional mess you must be feeling.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Still Hoping,

I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

Do you know if he meant what he said to you, or was he just making a threat?

Sometimes people say things that they don’t mean when they are angry, and they end up saying really hurtful things to us.

I would ask him if he meant what he said, so that you can then follow through on the outcome of it.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Hi Still Hoping,

I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

Do you know if he meant what he said to you, or was he just making a threat?

Sometimes people say things that they don’t mean when they are angry, and they end up saying really hurtful things to us.

I would ask him if he meant what he said, so that you can then follow through on the outcome of it.

I don’t know. But I never saw him this serious. He never slept on the couch even when I was so angry and couldn’t stand to be in the same room, he still came to bed. I think he feels disheartened because he overheard my conversation with my sister and I brought up the past. This is what really got to him. He thinks I am lying and making up the abuse. You see, in my culture it’s was accepted to hit your wife or scream at her or call her abusive names, even in front of others. It means that the husband is exercising his right as head of the family. For a man to react this way means that the wife disobeyed him, insulted him directly or indirectly, or contradicted his ways. I saw the signs but I ended up always forgiving him and taking him back. However, he wasn’t always like this. I saw good in him too. He is really kind and generous. But he won’t admit his mistakes and this hurts me.

 

[Still_Hoping]

If your husband is thinking seriously about divorcing you, then you need to consult with a family lawyer about your rights and to protect yourself and the children. This might be a good time to seek some professional counseling, to help you cope with the emotional mess you must be feeling.

I did a long time ago but didn’t have the guts to go through with it. I am informed.

 

[Still_Hoping]

It’s been a week since I have been with DH. He has taken down all our pictures. He is extremely volatile. I wrote to him telling him that I love him and want to save our marriage.
He is not willing. He won’t even talk to me.

 

[mountainrose]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Praying for you.

 

[hydin]

Sorry for the pain you are feeling. You had mentioned that “in your culture” some things considered abuse were tolerated. Is your husband of the same culture where this was some how seen as normal? If so then like you felt at the time he may also feel at the time he did no wrong.

Talking to anyone about your relationship is deadly. Never turns out well.

You mention that you can put the past behind you when things are good but when things are not good they come back. That is interesting. You may want to spend some time thinking on that and what it means. If it was the past and has no relation to the current difficulties but you bring it up to him or others then it would seem it is a sort of a defensive act at best. It could even be seen as a convenient weapon to show he is the bad guy. Pull it out once too often and he feels he can never live down what you admit was common place in your culture, no matter how sorry he once was. If God has forgiven him then you must also. Bringing up past mistakes over and over shows him that you have not forgiven him and will use his past against him if he does not behave. This is what you did with your sister… He can’t win so he tosses in the towel… Can you see some of this? Forgiveness is tough. In the Our Father we bind ourselves to having our trespasses forgiven as we forgive others. It is the hard part. If he has changed his behavior but still has it thrown in his face when it suits you, how should he react? If the abuse was going on today then it is totally different. If it is in the past and you have made a decision to stay with him, when does he get credit for changing? Heck I may be off base and know there is much more than you are telling us since this has gone on for years but felt that I should bring your attention to this side of the situation. If you have constantly been reminding him of his failings, even after he has changed I can see how he would feel their is no hope in the relationship. You mention you still want him to be sorry. Why? He has been sorry to the extent that he has changed his behavior. Words mean nothing but actions speak loudly. I am sure he wants this behavior left in the past as you do. Still you bring it up to him and at least your sister even now. Think about why that is? Is it to continue to punish him when things don’t go your way in the relationship? How do you think he feels when he overhears you talking to your sister about events in the past now? I have to give him credit for not returning to the past behavior. He is getting blamed for it in the past might as well do it now, right? No he has resisted doing that and that shows he has truly changed… but you don’t give him credit for that. You instead remind your sister of his past.

 

[hydin]

Using sex as a weapon is also horrible for a relationship.

The grace of the sacrament of Matrimony

1641 “By reason of their state in life and of their order, [Christian spouses] have their own special gifts in the People of God.”147 This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they “help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children.”148

1642 Christ is the source of this grace. “Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony.”149 Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,”150 and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love. In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb: