Marriage prep logistics!

[insideitall]

(Brief background) My bf and I have pretty much decided we’d like to get married at the end of next year. We currently live near each other, but hundreds of miles away from the church we grew up in and where we’d like to get married. He will be moving halfway between here and there in a few months, and from what we’ve discussed, won’t be officially proposing before sometime next year. I figure I will stay here until maybe a month before the wedding, then move back home before joining him at wherever his place will be.

Logistically speaking, this sounds like a nightmare, mostly because I’ll be planning a wedding from quite some distance. I guess it could be worse, I could be on another continent…

So, here come the questions:

• Can we do Engaged Encounter and the FOCCUS test before actually being engaged?
• We will be visiting our hometown before the end of the year - since we won’t be engaged then, would we be able to meet with the parish priest “in advance,” so that once he proposes I can call and get a date right away?
• I know there are FOCCUS weekend retreats; would one from another diocese be ok for use in the one we plan to marry in?
• Does the prep need to be done with the priest we plan to get married by? Can we meet with the priest of the parish we go to now, even though it will also still be before actually being engaged?
• Come to think of it, when people say “marriage prep,” are they referring to just the test or are a series of meetings required with the priest in addition to that?
• How do they handle engagements that are, say, cross continent or something??

My main concern is not having enough time to complete this stuff without feeling super rushed!

Thanks, everyone!

 

[kage_ar]

Not certain I understand, you are planning on marriage, making wedding and living plans - but he has not “officially proposed”

Do you mean that you are engaged to be married but you have not yet bought a ring and told the familiy?

It sounds as if you need a sit down with your Priest.

Yes, engaged couples do marriage prep on different continents, the two priests work together.

 

[Sr_Sally]

Just because he hasn’t officially proposes doesn’t mean you aren’t engaged. If you’ve discussed getting married and even a possible date, I’d say you are engaged!

Your best next step would be to call the parish you want to be married in and speak to the priest about what he needs you to do. I do think it is possible to do the testing and engaged encounter and even have counselling with a priest other than the one who will actually perform the sacrament. Don’t be suprised if he expects to be able to meet with you both at least once or twice before the wedding though.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

(Brief background) My bf and I have pretty much decided we’d like to get married at the end of next year. We currently live near each other, but hundreds of miles away from the church we grew up in and where we’d like to get married. He will be moving halfway between here and there in a few months, and from what we’ve discussed, won’t be officially proposing before sometime next year. I figure I will stay here until maybe a month before the wedding, then move back home before joining him at wherever his place will be.

Logistically speaking, this sounds like a nightmare, mostly because I’ll be planning a wedding from quite some distance. I guess it could be worse, I could be on another continent…

So, here come the questions:

• Can we do Engaged Encounter and the FOCCUS test before actually being engaged?
• We will be visiting our hometown before the end of the year - since we won’t be engaged then, would we be able to meet with the parish priest “in advance,” so that once he proposes I can call and get a date right away?
• I know there are FOCCUS weekend retreats; would one from another diocese be ok for use in the one we plan to marry in?
• Does the prep need to be done with the priest we plan to get married by? Can we meet with the priest of the parish we go to now, even though it will also still be before actually being engaged?
• Come to think of it, when people say “marriage prep,” are they referring to just the test or are a series of meetings required with the priest in addition to that?
• How do they handle engagements that are, say, cross continent or something??

My main concern is not having enough time to complete this stuff without feeling super rushed!

Thanks, everyone!

So why doe he just not go ahead and propose and formally enter the engagement and receive the Engagement blessing form the Church.
You should speak with your pastor, he should speak with his pastor and both should speak with the pastor of the church you want to excange vows in.

Only they can tell you what the preparation requirements are.

 

[agapewolf]

Actually, it is a very very good idea to do marriage prep/discernment before engagement. Taking the foccus test and meeting with the priest for counseling on discernment and different things is a wonderful way to have the freedom from all the wedding planning and investment and be completely free in your discernment.

This way, you haven’t invested in a ring, deposits on a hall, flowers, other financial investments, and the emotional investment in a wedding if you were for some reason to come across some large barriers to your marriage. You still have plenty of freedom to say yes or no.

An engagement should not be a surprise. A proposal can be, not engagement.

Talk to a priest near you and ask for pre-engagement counseling/discernment help and say you want to take the foccus. Engaged encounter is only one means to do prep. You can also talk to a married couple that does marriage prep work and meet with them.

When it comes time for the engagement to happen, your priest that has been prepping you can talk to your home parish about giving you the green light for scheduling…as well as helping you get a priest to marry you (or he can travel and do it himself).

 

[Frosty]

Something else that you should be aware of is that there are many parishes that require that the persons wishing to be married in that particular church be registered mambers of that parish. If your parents are still registered members of the parish you grew up in, there shouldn’t be a problem but it might be wise to make sure. Also, most parishes require that you give at least six months notice in advance and meet with the pastor when you do give the notice. It’s a good idea to inform yourself about these things as soon as you can. If it were me, I’d call the parish in which you want to be married and talk to the pastor there before talking to your local pastor.

 

[insideitall]

Thanks everyone, these replies were really helpful!

Frosty: Yeah, that’s why I started looking stuff up well ahead of time. My mum is actually very involved with the parish, which is why I wasn’t asking her or calling the church yet… the less grief I get from people the better!

agapewolf: I’m glad you think it’s a good idea to do it beforehand. I was thinking simply about my time and travel constraints, but you’re absolutely right, the prep should be done before the proposal. Now that I’m thinking about it, why anyone would promise to marry someone without having proper discussions is beyond me. I mean, sure, you can talk stuff over on your own, but I think in general it works much better when you have a moderator, not in the least to just make sure nothing’s been overlooked! No one wants to break off an engagement, and then people end up getting divorced. I wonder why that isn’t encouraged more - maybe it’s hard enough to get people to want any prep at all in the first place?

Sr Sally: You’re right, and after thinking about what agapewolf said, I think the proposal being such a huge deal, the beginning of discussion, is kinda overrated. Maybe it’s just cause I’m not a girly girl, but while it’s all romantic to dream about being asked totally out of the blue, it really shouldn’t be done that way. (I don’t mean not being surprised with a proposal, I mean having no clue at all it was coming). I guess a lot of people maybe don’t care about being on the same page together - a consequence of moral relativism, perhaps?

I suppose now that I know my idea isn’t quite as strange as I thought it was, I can ask him what he thinks. At the very least, there would be slightly less travelling, and maybe even slightly less stress… always good things in my book!

 

[Sr_Sally]

Yes less stress is always good!

I think our culture has become both more jaded and more ‘romantic’ at the same time. Marriages are expected to last forever, but we do expect big, fancy engagment suprises (rings in champagne, etc) and huge weddings.

We went for a low-key engagement, simple wedding, and have been very, very happy for almost 20 years! Hoping for the same for you!