Marriage Prep

[CaseyNami]

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage with each other, and both think that we are almost definitely headed for the altar. He wants his brother (the pastor of the parish we attend) to officiate the wedding, which I will tolerate for the sake of my boyfriend/future husband. I think his brother is a fine priest in public, but in private he has been nothing but rude and condescending to my boyfriend, and does not want to invite me to private family dinners “unless he has to” (his words, not mine). Given this personal history, I do not want to attend a Pre-Cana/marriage prep class where he is in charge, as I do not trust him not to throw any personal information revealed in that class in my face at a later date. I understand that usually the priest who is going to marry you tends to run the class you attend, but I feel that there is a real conflict of interest here.

Does anyone know if it’s permissible to attend the marriage prep class in a different parish within the same diocese? Or do we need special permission from our bishop to do that?

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice!

 

[Xantippe]

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage with each other, and both think that we are almost definitely headed for the altar. He wants his brother (the pastor of the parish we attend) to officiate the wedding, which I will tolerate for the sake of my boyfriend/future husband. I think his brother is a fine priest in public, but in private he has been nothing but rude and condescending to my boyfriend, and does not want to invite me to private family dinners “unless he has to” (his words, not mine). Given this personal history, I do not want to attend a Pre-Cana/marriage prep class where he is in charge, as I do not trust him not to throw any personal information revealed in that class in my face at a later date. I understand that usually the priest who is going to marry you tends to run the class you attend, but I feel that there is a real conflict of interest here.

Does anyone know if it’s permissible to attend the marriage prep class in a different parish within the same diocese? Or do we need special permission from our bishop to do that?

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice!

1. I don’t know what the rules on the books are, but I agree with you that your future BIL should not be doing your marriage prep!
2. Once you have an official engagement, how about giving future BIL an opportunity to redeem himself? He may start realizing that as a future SIL, you deserve an upgrade in your position in the family. (Not that that should make a difference as to marriage prep.)
3. Be talking to your boyfriend about this stuff. If you and he are on the same wavelength, it won’t matter much, but if you can’t get on the same wavelength, I think marriage is not a good idea.

 

[angell1]

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage with each other, and both think that we are almost definitely headed for the altar. He wants his brother (the pastor of the parish we attend) to officiate the wedding, which I will tolerate for the sake of my boyfriend/future husband. I think his brother is a fine priest in public, but in private he has been nothing but rude and condescending to my boyfriend, and does not want to invite me to private family dinners “unless he has to” (his words, not mine). Given this personal history, I do not want to attend a Pre-Cana/marriage prep class where he is in charge, as I do not trust him not to throw any personal information revealed in that class in my face at a later date. I understand that usually the priest who is going to marry you tends to run the class you attend, but I feel that there is a real conflict of interest here.

Does anyone know if it’s permissible to attend the marriage prep class in a different parish within the same diocese? Or do we need special permission from our bishop to do that?

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice!

this is a slight technicality but is the parish you attend your actual geographical parish?

because, unless I’m mistaken, canon law says that sacraments should be generally received at your geographical parish, regardless of whether or not you’re actually registered there or go to mass there.

if your boyfrien’ds brother is not the priest of your geographical parish, then it might be an easy solution to the problem you are facing

 

[pianistclare]

My marriage prep did not take place in my home parish.
But the priest that married us did do it, not the Deacon who was assigned to do it.
My pastor at the time said he was not available, so I asked the priest who would marry us to be the presider and he wanted to do the prep.

I would think that given the special circumstances…counseling is in order, and other arrangements as well.

 

[E_7]

Check out Engaged Encounter weekend. My husband and I did our marriage prep course at Engaged Encounter, and it was memorable. No need to take the Parish’s marriage prep course.

 

[SilverShadow22]

But if each half of the couple has a different ‘geographical parish’ can’t you choose either one?

 

[SilverShadow22]

Check out Engagement Encounter weekend. My husband and I did our marriage prep course at Engagement Encounter, and it was memorable. No need to take the Parish’s marriage prep course.

Really? One weekend? I thought it required 6 months minimum…

 

[E_7]

Really? One weekend? I thought it required 6 months minimum…

I wrote it wrong. It is called Engaged Encounter. Yes, we did it 6 months prior the wedding, but the course took one weeked ( late Friday, Saturday and concluded Sunday with Mass), and th ey give you the certificate that you give to the Church.

 

[underacloud]

Be talking to your boyfriend about this stuff. If you and he are on the same wavelength, it won’t matter much, but if you can’t get on the same wavelength, I think marriage is not a good idea.

Yes. This is a good opportunity to test your relationship somewhat. It’s both a sensitive issue and a family issue, and if you can’t work through it together and find a mutually agreeable solution, then things do not auger well.

I’d go as far as to say that if it you remain uncomfortable with the scenario and it ultimately comes down to your wishes vs your BIL’s wishes, and your BF isn’t squarely on your side, then you should not marry this man.

 

[1ke]

He wants his brother (the pastor of the parish we attend) to officiate the wedding, which I will tolerate for the sake of my boyfriend/future husband.

Have you voiced your concerns to your boyfriend?

.

Does anyone know if it’s permissible to attend the marriage prep class in a different parish within the same diocese? Or do we need special permission from our bishop to do that?

You do not mention if the brother is also your pastor. Your pastor is typically responsible for your marriage prep, or another priest or deacon or layperson he delegates. ETA: you said he is the pastor of the parish you “attend” which isn’t the same as being your actual parish unless you live in those boundaries.

The answer is “yes” you can do marriage preparation with someone else. In fact I encourage you to insist on it.

You could invite the brother to officiate at the ceremony only. If he is not the pastor, he will need permission from the pastor to officiate at the pastor’s parish. If you are marrying at his parish and it isn’t your parish or your boyfriend’s parish then your own pastors will need to give permission.

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice!

Be honest with your boyfriend.

 

[angell1]

But if each half of the couple has a different ‘geographical parish’ can’t you choose either one?

yes, though she did say that the priest is the pastor of the parish they attend. so it sounds like they might go to the same one?

 

[SilverShadow22]

I wrote it wrong. It is called Engaged Encounter. Yes, we did it 6 months prior the wedding, but the course took one weeked ( late Friday, Saturday and concluded Sunday with Mass), and th ey give you the certificate that you give to the Church.

I mean, I thought it required six months of doing it.

This sounds like a really good way for long-distance couples to accomplish it, as I’ve always wondered how in the world do you complete marriage prep from different states?

 

[1ke]

I mean, I thought it required six months of doing it.

There is no set time frame. All the things involved with marriage prep can take about 6 months to complete, it may take more or less time for individual situations and there are many ways to complete premarital preparation.

There are meetings with the priest or deacon, plus typically some sort of formation in a class, retreat, or sponsor couple format. There are also either recommended or required NFP classes. Some diocese also require the couple take a FOCCUS inventory.

All told, yes that can add up to six months of different aspects of marriage prep, especially if the retreats are only held a few times a year. The couple should contact their parish at least 6 months before they desire to get married because they may take a few months to get into a class, the church may already be booked, etc.

This sounds like a really good way for long-distance couples to accomplish it, as I’ve always wondered how in the world do you complete marriage prep from different states?

DH and I lived in separate states. We went to an all day retreat in my husband’s diocese, we each took the FOCCUS inventory separately, I think they mailed his to him, and then we met with my deacon on the FOCCUS and other premarital counseling. I met with the deacon on the ceremony planning. The meetings with the deacon are usually 6 meetings over 2 months, but because we were long distance my deacon did it in one all day session with us.

People can be accommodated based on their situation.

 

[E_7]

I mean, I thought it required six months of doing it.

This sounds like a really good way for long-distance couples to accomplish it, as I’ve always wondered how in the world do you complete marriage prep from different states?

Exactly. Husband lived in Singapore and I in Puerto Rico and the wedding was in PR, but we did the prep course in Singapore when I visited.

 

[twf]

Ultimately it’s up to your parish pastor, but marriage prep can take many forms. We took an online course put out by an archdiocese (not our own) and printer a certificate of completion for the priest. I met with him privately in addition to that- but not as a couple.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think his brother is a fine priest in public, but in private he has been nothing but rude and condescending to my boyfriend, and does not want to invite me to private family dinners "unless he has to" (his words, not mine).

Seriously??? Does your BF stand up for you? Because if he doesn’t take your side on these matters I would be running as far away from the altar as possible

 

[CaseyNami]

Regarding multiple points posted by people, here are a few replies:

1. I have been honest with my boyfriend, and he does know how I feel. Which is why I’m asking the forum for advice, since we’re trying to find a compromise.
2. I generally do try to give my BIL the benefit of the doubt (he’s tired, he’s got a hard job, etc), however he’s also said that his behavior to his brother is due to “bad decisions” on my boyfriend’s part in the past (which no one has explained to me as yet). This is why I’m concerned about my BIL’s ability to be objective during marriage prep.
3. My boyfriend does stick up for me, to the point of boycotting certain functions if I can’t come due to lack of invitation. This doesn’t seem to have much effect, though.

 

[Xantippe]

Regarding multiple points posted by people, here are a few replies:

1. I have been honest with my boyfriend, and he does know how I feel. Which is why I’m asking the forum for advice, since we’re trying to find a compromise.
2. I generally do try to give my BIL the benefit of the doubt (he’s tired, he’s got a hard job, etc), however he’s also said that his behavior to his brother is due to “bad decisions” on my boyfriend’s part in the past (which no one has explained to me as yet). This is why I’m concerned about my BIL’s ability to be objective during marriage prep.
3. My boyfriend does stick up for me, to the point of boycotting certain functions if I can’t come due to lack of invitation. This doesn’t seem to have much effect, though.

Having your future BIL do your marriage prep would be like having him be your OB/GYN. It would be all kinds of weird, and it would impede the flow of information that your priest needs to give you good marriage prep. So I would not even consider that.

Your boyfriend’s family is willing to not have him at events if that’s the price of not having you there, too? That’s awful. I’m glad he sticks up for you, but that’s terrible. Once you get engaged, he probably needs to talk to his family and point out to them that you will be joining the family officially soon, so it’s time to start including you.

 

[E_7]

Regarding multiple points posted by people, here are a few replies:

1. I have been honest with my boyfriend, and he does know how I feel. Which is why I’m asking the forum for advice, since we’re trying to find a compromise.
2. I generally do try to give my BIL the benefit of the doubt (he’s tired, he’s got a hard job, etc), however he’s also said that his behavior to his brother is due to “bad decisions” on my boyfriend’s part in the past (which no one has explained to me as yet). This is why I’m concerned about my BIL’s ability to be objective during marriage prep.
3. My boyfriend does stick up for me, to the point of boycotting certain functions if I can’t come due to lack of invitation. This doesn’t seem to have much effect, though.

I hope that those "bad decisions " aren’t confessed sins from your BF to your BIL in the confessional. Because if that is so, that BIL is not taking his priestly vocation seriously.

 

[AdamP88]

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage with each other, and both think that we are almost definitely headed for the altar. He wants his brother (the pastor of the parish we attend) to officiate the wedding, which I will tolerate for the sake of my boyfriend/future husband. I think his brother is a fine priest in public, but in private he has been nothing but rude and condescending to my boyfriend, and does not want to invite me to private family dinners “unless he has to” (his words, not mine). Given this personal history, I do not want to attend a Pre-Cana/marriage prep class where he is in charge, as I do not trust him not to throw any personal information revealed in that class in my face at a later date. I understand that usually the priest who is going to marry you tends to run the class you attend, but I feel that there is a real conflict of interest here.

Does anyone know if it’s permissible to attend the marriage prep class in a different parish within the same diocese? Or do we need special permission from our bishop to do that?

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice!

As far as I know it is permissible to attend whatever marriage prep you want. My fiancee and I attended one that wasn’t run by a priest at all. It was several Catholic couples who each delivered a segment of the 8 session course.

I do think though, that the prenuptial inquiry must be carried out by the Parish Priest. But that is normally only asking questions like whether you understand marriage as the church does etc.