Marriage preparation before getting engaged?

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dilleachta

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Is it possible to get started with the marriage preparation process (marriage prep classes and/or NFP classes) before actually getting engaged?
 
Perhaps, but in many cases the preference is that both members of the couple are involved. Even if someone already knows NFP (e.g. woman learned it as a teen) we still have the couple go through the introductory course including the moral foundations.

Are you talking about the couple or just an individual going through the prep? If it’s the couple, I guess I’m confused on how or why they would not be engaged, but still doing the prep work for marriage. If as an individual it is likely you would need to retake the classes when you do have a fiancée. In my diocese the only place it’s recorded is in the marriage folder and we can’t start a folder with only one person.
 
dilleachta said:
Is it possible to get started with the marriage preparation process (marriage prep classes
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Premarital prep classes are the proximate preparation for marriage. The proper audience and context is those who are actively in the process of getting married (i.e. ‘the engaged’).

It isn’t suitable for dating couples.

That said, there are certainly many things that a dating couple can do to prepare for marriage individually and there is a lot of discernment they can do as they date. They can certainly ask to have some counseling with a priest or deacon during discernment.
dilleachta said:
NFP classes before actually getting engaged?
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Any woman can take an NFP class at any time and chart her fertility and gynecological health.

I suppose a man could read about or even attend a class, but it is the woman who has the fertility signs so there really isn’t much reason for a man to “take” the classes by himself. There would be no charts to read or interpret. Reading a book on it could be a way to go.

I would say it isn’t appropriate for a dating couple to take it together.
 
Usige said:
Perhaps, but in many cases the preference is that both members of the couple are involved. Even if someone already knows NFP (e.g. woman learned it as a teen) we still have the couple go through the introductory course including the moral foundations.

Are you talking about the couple or just an individual going through the prep? If it’s the couple, I guess I’m confused on how or why they would not be engaged, but still doing the prep work for marriage. If as an individual it is likely you would need to retake the classes when you do have a fiancée. In my diocese the only place it’s recorded is in the marriage folder and we can’t start a folder with only one person.
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Sorry, I will clarify:

Yes I meant that both people would begin preparing early together. My boyfriend and I are discerning marriage but not quite ready for an official engagement. He is not Catholic- I explained that in order for us to be married in the Church there is a process that generally begins 6-12 months prior to the wedding. The idea of beginning the classes early arose because he was unaware of the preparation required and thought we could begin early as a way of getting ahead of schedule. I thought it also might be a good idea to help us examine marriage in more depth, especially since he is not Catholic.

It’s just an idea, I wasn’t sure if it would even be allowed without an official engagement.
 
1ke said:
It isn’t suitable for dating couples.

That said, there are certainly many things that a dating couple can do to prepare for marriage individually and there is a lot of discernment they can do as they date. They can certainly ask to have some counseling with a priest or deacon during discernment.
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Thank you, that is a great idea. I will suggest that we meet with a deacon or priest for counseling in our discernment.
 
dilleachta said:
Sorry, I will clarify:

Yes I meant that both people would begin preparing early together. My boyfriend and I are discerning marriage but not quite ready for an official engagement. He is not Catholic- I explained that in order for us to be married in the Church there is a process that generally begins 6-12 months prior to the wedding. The idea of beginning the classes early arose because he was unaware of the preparation required and thought we could begin early as a way of getting ahead of schedule. I thought it also might be a good idea to help us examine marriage in more depth, especially since he is not Catholic.

It’s just an idea, I wasn’t sure if it would even be allowed without an official engagement.
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Thanks for the clarification. As 1ke said, marriage prep is for those actively planning on marrying, not simply to learn about marriage. We have taught women NFP outside of the Church for health reasons, but I would feel uncomfortable doing any type of chart review with a boyfriend present that has not made a commitment to marriage.

Most of our classes include questions about date of marriage, parish wedding will be done at, et cetera so it would be highly unusual to have someone that has no active plans for marriage. To be honest in the 6 years I’ve done marriage prep I’ve never had someone ask to take the classes who weren’t planning on getting married in the near term. 🤷 Doesn’t mean we would stop someone but it would never be recorded anywhere for marriage prep. It would be like auditing a class in college. You would attend, but not get credit towards your degree.

I would be leary of taking the classes as a way to shorten the prep time incase you guys get engaged. Our diocesan policy says that the “timer” starts when the couple meets with the priest and the marriage file started. There is some leway on how long before marriage that process should start, but the precanna period isn’t just to accommodate classes. A priest might take classes taken before into consideration, but that does not mean that they would simply allow a wedding to take place in 2 or 3 months instead of a year. In other words don’t think of precanna as just ticking boxes off.

There are some great marriage resources online that can help with discernment, but again don’t be looking for ways to simply shorten the course if you decide to get married.
 
dilleachta said:
Thank you, that is a great idea. I will suggest that we meet with a deacon or priest for counseling in our discernment.
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yes, a meeting with a deacon or priest would be a good place to start.

Since your boyfriend is non-Catholic I might also suggest Three To Get Married by Archbishop Fulton Sheen and For Better, Forever by Greg Popcak.

Also, it might be a good idea for him to sit in on some RCIA classes as an inquirer-- no pressure to convert, but lots of opportunity to learn about Catholic teaching and how he can support children in the marriage as they go through Catholic religious education and sacraments.
 
I don’t completely agree with this. I would be more of the opinion of 1ke. Marriage prep is about preparation for marriage for a couple that have made the commitment of engagement.

If you’re dating and discerning marriage, why are you not ready to get engaged?

I would suggest that if you’re planning on marrying a non-Catholic then you should read together about the sacrament of marriage and how the church views marriage.

Some recommendations of possible reading: Love and Responsibility by JPII and Marriage, The Mystery of Faithful Love by Von Hildebrand.

It’s also important to understand the Catholic view of the human person and God’s plan for Marriage. Theology of the Body would be essential reading in this regard.

God Bless
 
It definitely depends on the location. In my own diocese and the one I live in now, the marriage prep ‘classes’ take the form of a weekend retreat where the couple is together talking about intimate subjects one-on-one with some group discussion as well.

They are not “classes” on the sacrament of marriage per se. A priest gave a one hour talk on the sacrament as part of the marriage prep retreat I attended.

The meetings with the deacon/priest were more focused on the actual ceremony than on simply discerning marriage.

Whether that is right or wrong, it simply is. Perhaps the way it is approached in your area is different.

The FOCCUS assessment wouldn’t be a bad idea for a couple, pre-engagement.

Oh, and in my old diocese the Engaged Encounter retreat (which is the marriage prep class) is so booked up that you have to sign up almost a year in advance, and I don’t think they let in non-engaged… they barely have room for those who have to meet their requirements to get married by X date. You have to supply your wedding date on the application. That’s just a reality of limited resources.

The marriage prep meeting at my parish with the family life coordinator focused on the dos and don’ts of the marriage ceremony-- a huge packet given out on rules to follow as to videography, photography, flowers, etc.

The marriage prep consisted of:
  • 2 meetings with family life office, logistics focused and initial paperwork to hand off to priest to conduct freedom to marry inquiry
  • 1 FOCCUS test administration
  • Engaged Encounter retreat
  • several meetings with deacon to go over FOCCUS results and plan the ceremony (ours was condensed into one all-day meeting with the deacon on this due to logistics)
  • NFP classes optional.
 
I think though this goes more towards a need for better adult catechism opportunities in general. In my diocese this is considered remote preparation and we do have resources for that too, though I have talked to the head of marriage and family life about making them more readily available. I guess what I am getting at is that teaching on marriage should be a continuum from pre-engagement to engagement and through the various stages of marriage (early marriage, parenthood, empty nest). I would not think though that we should use precana as the catch all for teaching about marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I am always happy that people are being proactive in discernment. I just think we need to do a better job of focusing on the various aspects of marriage. If we just lump it all into marriage prep the unique aspects of each phase can be lost or get muddled and confussed.
 
AdamPeter said:
I would suggest that if you’re planning on marrying a non-Catholic then you should read together about the sacrament of marriage and how the church views marriage.

Some recommendations of possible reading: Love and Responsibility by JPII and Marriage, The Mystery of Faithful Love by Von Hildebrand.

It’s also important to understand the Catholic view of the human person and God’s plan for Marriage. Theology of the Body would be essential reading in this regard.

God Bless
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Thank you! We are reading the book, “Sex Au Naturel” by Patrick Coffin together as a starting point.
 
AMEN!

Good marriage preparation should see at least a small percentage of couples deciding that they are not meant to be married to each other. But that will not happen when preparation for the wedding are in full swing and money has been spent on gown, reception area, etc. I’ve known some couples complete their marriage preparation the week of the wedding. Do you think there is the slightest chance that even if red flags are waving as in a hurricane they are going to cancel?
 
dilleachta said:
Thank you! We are reading the book, “Sex Au Naturel” by Patrick Coffin together as a starting point.
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I haven’t read that one. Another good one that comes to mind is “The Joy of being a Woman and what a Man can do.” By Ingrid Trobisch.

I’m reading that with my fiancee at the moment. It’s got very good insights on sex from the Christian perspective and on fertility, pregnancy and birth. Also it’s only 120 pages long so quite concise too.
 
Before I retired, as a pastor I also would have unquestionably welcomed such a couple with open arms – most especially given that one of the couple is not Catholic. The process could, in fact, help in their discernment process and occasioned a decision about becoming engaged…one way or the other.
 
My husband and I did all marriage prep work before getting engaged. If was extremely helpful in discernment, and led to a very well grounded and free decision to “get engaged”.

Once a ring is bought, and wedding prep is started, this lessens the ability and freedom a couple has to truly dive in to all the hard questions … And perhaps a hard question reveals a reason to them to delay marriage, or reconsider it altogether

I think marriage prep today is done backwards.

I highly recommend going to a priest you know, and asking for pre- engagement counseling and discernment assistance. I’ve even heard it talked about on Catholic radio, though I don’t recall what program.

I also highly recommend learning nfp charting for every woman
 
Took the FOCCUS test, and it was a joke. The money to take the test would have been better off going to a charity.

The pre-marriage classes were silly, but we still got the certificate of completing it. Yawn.
 
There are also marriage prep courses available online. My wife and I completed an online course as our official marriage prep for practical reasons - reasons of timing and geography -, though I also met with a priest one on one a number of times.
 
Phemie said:
AMEN!

Good marriage preparation should see at least a small percentage of couples deciding that they are not meant to be married to each other. But that will not happen when preparation for the wedding are in full swing and money has been spent on gown, reception area, etc. I’ve known some couples complete their marriage preparation the week of the wedding. Do you think there is the slightest chance that even if red flags are waving as in a hurricane they are going to cancel?
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This is really, really good advice. It’s better to go through the difficult stuff before the formal engagement. Once your friends and relatives know, the money is spent, the logistics are being planned, etc. there start to be all sorts of pressures to go through with it even if you realize it’s not the right the thing to do. The discernment is best done free of those pressures. Use the formal engagement to plan the wedding and get through the paperwork. Discuss the big questions before that.
 
Concur with much of the above, however:
  • A 44 hour retreat does not prepare you for marriage
  • 8, 10, nor 12 weeks of diocesan classes do not prepare you for marriage
  • Weekly meetings with your deacon, priest, nor even your bishop do not prepare you for marriage
You have been being prepared for marriage since the day you were born. Your primary marriage preparators, as your primary teachers in all things, (for good or for ill) are your parents, and the family who raised you. Some have had better teachers than others, but invaluable lessons can have been learned even from bad examples.

:twocents:
tee
1/2 of a former Engaged Encounter presenting team
 
tee_eff_em said:
Concur with much of the above, however:
  • A 44 hour retreat does not prepare you for marriage
  • 8, 10, nor 12 weeks of diocesan classes do not prepare you for marriage
  • Weekly meetings with your deacon, priest, nor even your bishop do not prepare you for marriage
You have been being prepared for marriage since the day you were born. Your primary marriage preparators, as your primary teachers in all things, (for good or for ill) are your parents, and the family who raised you. Some have had better teachers than others, but invaluable lessons can have been learned even from bad examples.

:twocents:
tee
1/2 of a former Engaged Encounter presenting team
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I agree with that wholeheartedly. My husband and I had no formal “marriage preparation.”, mostly because we were in a long distance relationship. We met with a priest only one time, and after talking with us for about half an hour, he said we were ready, and no further preparation was needed. We were married a couple of weeks after that, and now, 20 years and four children later, I still think the priest was right!
 
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