It’s likely a little of both micro managing (me) and not doing big picture items (him). For example, he never trims the little ones nails (big picture) and he regularly puts laundry away in the wrong persons closets (micro managing).
One concept that I always come back to is that if I don’t do something properly at work, and therefore my co-workers have to pick up the slack, I would expect them to be upset with me. For him, he doesn’t do his job properly, I have to pick up the slack, and therefore why is it unreasonable for me to be upset?
I believe there is plenty of blame on both sides of my situation: his in what he is not doing and mine in my reaction. I make no excuses for the yelling, it is wrong. What I’m searching for is how to motive him to do the right thing. What hurts is that his wife being overwhelmed and overworked isn’t enough motivation for him.
It’s not a matter of whether being upset is reasonable or unreasonable. You’re human, you feel how you feel- you are upset. It’s the how to deal with being upset, you either change the things that are upsetting you or you change your attitude about them. And yes, as your husband he has a responsibility to look at his own actions and how they are contributing to the situation.
I’m sure your husband is very frustrated as well. He wants to make you happy. He can’t figure out how. He’s in a job which doesn’t fit his skill sets or aptitude very well but he has to soldier on. But you picked a person with these skill sets as your life partner, interesting bit of self reflection you should be doing on why you did that? Sometimes folks who really like control of a situation partner with folks who are more easily controlled. (Makes sense, two people with a strong urge to control will fight to the death because it has to be their way)
Read ‘The Peter Principle’
Then get some kind of book about learning from failures.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
Men and Marriage, George Gilder
“…For him, he doesn’t do his job properly, I have to pick up the slack…”
Two things with this,
- define properly. Which includes priority. Doesn’t matter what I see as a big deal, it’s between you two. If you both agree trimming fingernails is important because it’s a 10 in importance to you-then define how often or how short/long. Let him pick tools, method, day etc.
- You do not have to pick up the slack. You are choosing to. Ever hear of the monkey theory of management? Think of a job or problem as a monkey. It’s on a worker’s back. He goes to either his boss or a co-worker and says, I can’t figure out what to do with the monkey. Boss or co-worker starts to assist and bingo, that monkey has now jumped onto their back. Don’t take the monkey. Suggest or advise, than point them back towards dealing with it. If the problem is feeding the monkey, and the worker is just not feeding it the way you would, do you really want to take the monkey on? Why argue over how the monkey is getting fed or take on the job of feeding it if the job is just to get it fed?
- You need to sit down after you’ve decided what you’ve been doing that you think he should. And express that as an opinion to him. 'You know, I do all this and I’ve also been doing X which I think you should be covering. As a team, agree on responsibilities and priorities. Then let him do it. Do not pick up the slack. Do not get angry. Go for a walk or whatever. Let him sort out his own methods for doing each job properly, laundry? I have kids roughly the same size and I do mix up their clothes. One gets a laundry mark on the wasteband or tag so I can tell when I do laundry. Fingernails, well let him sort out a method that will work for him to remind him to do it on some kind of schedule.
- Let him learn from his failures and modify his methods himself. Always irritating to have flaws you are well aware of pointed out. and as you said, he has not had the opportunity to learn via trial and error we all make, typically at younger ages. 11 years ago, you considered this person suitable marriage material. If your expectations for a life partner are now different, you must allow him the room/space/opportunity to grow into being what you need now.
As a child, his mother did everything for him and never equipped him with self-help skills. I think I’ve been guiltly of enabling this for the last 11 years of our marriage by doing everything.
I have a 20 year old, great kid, living at home, working part-time, paying for her own car, gonna graduate early from college, doesn’t do drugs or alcohol, is chaste etc. She won’t do her laundry. Sorry, I won’t pick up the slack for her on it. Currently, you can not see the floor in her room due to dirty clothes, I close the door so I don’t have to look at it. But when she complains that she has nothing to wear I just point at the washer. It’s her monkey not mine.
I’m sorry I can’t be much help to you. I will be praying for you and yours.
? Listen, the only person you have control over in this situation is you. So what would happen if you just let go of control for a bit? Even just for one week (try it and see what happens) you should totally stop doing anything that will not result in some sort of physical danger for the kids. Take a week where you only focus on yourself and you resist the urge to take control and start running the household? Just let things go and try to maintain a relaxed composure. Only say words of praise to him when he does things right and not vice versa. I know it sounds radical but just try it.