Marriage problems help me

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I often think that for woman to be interested in sex, the laundry and chores have to be done, the kids have to be in bed after getting straight “A’s” on their report cards, you have to have brought home flowers, and the planets have to be aligned. For a man to be interested in sex, he has to have a pulse…

All joking aside, to the OP, YOUR job is to help her with the laundry and chores, help the kids with their homework (or if they’re grown, be involved with them), and bring home flowers. And treat her kindly and romantically, be her best friend, and LISTEN to her when she needs someone to talk to. Don’t offer advice… just LISTEN and empathize. When men talk, it’s to transmit data. When women talk, it’s to share feelings.

Keep doing this until she trusts you that it’s genuine, and not just for sex. Prove to her it’s her company you want, above all else. Do things with her just because you like being with her. Have fun together: go on walks, bike rides, the theater, concerts, whatever you both like. Set time aside for her. It’s a nice day. You want to play golf, she wants to go for a bike ride… guess what, go for the bike ride.

Make the focus on giving. Not getting.

Trust me. Been through a similar rough patch in my marriage because I was too dumb to figure this out for too long. Now things are going great. You know what, I discovered that I’d RATHER go for a bike ride or hike in the mountains with my wife than be anywhere else, on a nice sunny Saturday. The more I spent time with her the more I realized she was a heck of a lot more fun to spend time with than my buddies. We just came back from a holiday in the UK where we went hiking in Cornwall (we love to hike and bike). Nothing fancy, nice quiet B&B in a fishing village. I think it was the BEST vacation I ever had with the best possible vacation partner.

Get it right and the rest, as it were, will come naturally.
 
Yes, flowers and sunshine and B&B’s and walks in the park are all well and good, but marital relations represent an obligation from one spouse to the other. Period.
 
hurting said:
Yes, flowers and sunshine and B&B’s and walks in the park are all well and good, but marital relations represent an obligation from one spouse to the other. Period.
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Well, putting it like that will never ever get anyone anywhere.
Its like when you make everything sour by commanding people to love you, when for some reason they feel alienated by you. Yet the Lord commanded us to love. But if marital relations are not much more a gift than an obligation, I don’t see what it is.

I do agree with you that there can be really bad reasons for withholding the gift… but there can also be solid reasons. Some people cheat their spouse through porn or adultery, some people are used in the marriage bed and never get any pleasure from it because their (mostly )husband doesn’t have the patience to bring his wife to orgasm… Some people suffer from some kind of physical discomfort in their marriage bed… some people are treated ill by their spouse at all times, or left alone until night time comes.

If a wife refused the sexual union for years I expect there must be some pretty big problems in other areas too… most commonly the sexual dysfunction is a symptom of more accute problems. Normal people desire sex both for psychological, emotional and physical reasons when they are married… something happend so that the woman saw it as something she did’t wish to deal with anymore…
 
OraLabora said:
I often think that for woman to be interested in sex, the laundry and chores have to be done, the kids have to be in bed after getting straight “A’s” on their report cards, you have to have brought home flowers, and the planets have to be aligned.** For a man to be interested in sex, he has to have a pulse…
**
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I’ve been approached by one or two zombies…it never ends…

😃
 
hornpout said:
I have been married for 37 years in August , i love my wife more than ever but she had to have a hysterectemy about 20 years ago and she has completly lost all of her sex drive and just dont want to have anything to do with sex anymore when we talk about sex she just gets very mad at me we always end up having words exchange . my question is this being a true catholic i dont miss mass and try to do what im suppose to do with God why would it be a sin to have a sexual fantasy about my wife and to do masterbation i have needs that are hard to fight all the time and still love her very much and will always take care of her till we die Father at our church says its a sin to do this but what is a person supose to do we have tried to talk to doctors and nothing can be done she has to want to to have sex but does not want to she says she still loves me i have no intensions of devorce i realy wish God would help me in this problem i pray to him i think the catholic church should change the wording on masturbation its called self abuse but whats a guy supose to do anybody have any idea thanks
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How old are you now? And did your wife gradually lose her desire, or did it disappear all of a sudden?

Masturbation is always a sin. Do not do it.
 
Yes, in this situation, the wife should put more effort into the relationship, go to the doctor and fix her chemical imbalance. Key word should.

However, which of the spouses is asking for help? Which of these spouses is wanting to fix the relationship? Why, that would be the husband. So helpful advice would focus on what the husband can do, unfair as it may seem to pile even more onto him.

Save-your-marriage self-help books like “The Five Love Languages” and other titles essentially advise a spouse to put positive energy into their relationships. Figure out what makes the other spouse feel loved and do that for them. Keep this up for a few days, a week, a week and a half, something like that. Suffer in silence. Then approach them about what you need.
 
GraceDK said:
Wow, you have built a whole philosophy here.

How about asking what the husband may or may not have done to cause or help the situation.
Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both spouses. Is that working out, or has the husband failed to give his wife pleasure?
How about the psychological aspect. A healthy woman can not desire a man sexually if other parts of the relationship are not in order. Does he speak to her, communicate with her, have interest in her life in all other aspects, or does she only feel wanted or most wanted in the bed? The worst thing a woman can feel is that she is being used as a physical release and little more and that her husband is more interested in her body than in her mind.

You cannot just say: Sex is your duty, so get on with it woman.
Thats very degrading. There must be psychological or physical reasons for the problem. Making sex into a legalistic matter will only make resentment grow between spouses.
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I concur that finding a way to overcome the problem without resorting to ‘legalism’ is much preferred, but you can not escape that it is, in fact, an obligation. Yes, there may be a physical reason, but it may simply come down to the wife’s refusal to honor her vows.
 
Do you know that the fact of refusing the marital act [thus in an implicit manner to refuse to talk about sex drive, sexual pain, marital sex, without good reasons, is wrong and is probably immoral] without good reasons is wrong and is probably immoral.

Marital act is a symbol of love, a language, a prayer, a liturgy, a communion, a sharing, but also a duty, a obligation, a right, a debt, the fact of forgetting voluntary that, is very against the catholic teaching ansd the natural law.

The issue is the definition of good reasons?
 
In law, thus in moral there are the duties, the obligations, the rights and their corollaries. Very often, in the marriage, we forget the corollaries of these different rights, obligations and duties.

Be careful is a nice slogan.
 
Hi
My answer may be too late but regarding menopause it caused my mom loads of hassle and she switched off, nothing worked, she tried diallaters ans nothing would go in, however a good doc friend suggested using a vagi-wave as it allows you to practice getting something in as mom was suffering from vaginismus. she used it and after a month things got better and she kept using it and then things really improved and the problems she had went away. i think because she was in charge of herself made a big difference.she is so much happier now and can also get her medication in. so i can only suggest anyone suffering vaginismus really should give this product a go and stick with it. it takes 3weeks to get the hang of and like mom she had emmotional issues which slowed the resuts down but she got there eventually and family life is loads better it was a marriage miracle
 
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