Marriage problems, need help

[Lou_F]

The more I cherish my wife, the more physically attracted to her I become. Another benefit is that I become less controling. I always seem to fall back and forth from cherishing her to annoying her with my tendancy to control over trival things. When I cherish her more, I am very comfortable to allow her to be more in the decision making process. However, I don’t like the idea of switching roles. After a while, as I cherish her more & more, she wants the final say in the decision making and begins to resent me more if I disagree. It’s as if she has less respect for my decisions regarding our family. I’m the type of person who will use this website, read self-help books, ask for advice, but she is not. Granted, I may need more help than her, but when someone who needs less help refuses to help themselves in the littlest bit, I think that’s even more annoying and more difficult to deal with because the finger is pointed more at me. It doesn’t help that I apologize and she doesn’t. She looks to the past at the times I admitted when I was wrong as if that justifies that I’m mostly wrong when anything comes up in the present. When we become annoyed with each other, she depends on me to patch things up no matter who is at fault. How can I cherish my wife more and have her respect me more to allow me to fulfill my role as a husband and father? Should I just look at what I can do differently? What if she doesn’t want to change, should I just accept she may not want to change her way of thinking?

 

[Linnyo]

The more I cherish my wife, the more physically attracted to her I become. Another benefit is that I become less controling. I always seem to fall back and forth from cherishing her to annoying her with my tendancy to control over trival things. When I cherish her more, I am very comfortable to allow her to be more in the decision making process. However, I don’t like the idea of switching roles. After a while, as I cherish her more & more, she wants the final say in the decision making and begins to resent me more if I disagree. It’s as if she has less respect for my decisions regarding our family. I’m the type of person who will use this website, read self-help books, ask for advice, but she is not. Granted, I may need more help than her, but when someone who needs less help refuses to help themselves in the littlest bit, I think that’s even more annoying and more difficult to deal with because the finger is pointed more at me. It doesn’t help that I apologize and she doesn’t. She looks to the past at the times I admitted when I was wrong as if that justifies that I’m mostly wrong when anything comes up in the present. When we become annoyed with each other, she depends on me to patch things up no matter who is at fault. How can I cherish my wife more and have her respect me more to allow me to fulfill my role as a husband and father? Should I just look at what I can do differently? What if she doesn’t want to change, should I just accept she may not want to change her way of thinking?

You can only work on improving yourself - you should not be trying to change your wife. The wonderful thing about a loving relationship is that you can be accepted and loved for your strengths AND your weaknesses can be accepted. I know that I do things that annoy my husband (not intentionally) and there are things he does that annoy me but the good things outnumber the bad and we accept each other just as we are. God accepts you even though you can be annoying (no offfence meant!). I hope that has answered some of your questions. It is reasonable to talk with your wife, telling her some of the things you love about her and maybe mentioning something that irritates but it is entirely up to her if she want to change it. You may just have to love and accept it. Remember - never give a list of all her irritating points - that isa bad way to go about it!

 

[Cristiano]

It sounds like a regular marriage to me.

I am a control freak and my wife is bugged by that; however I am also supposed to be the stable person in the relationship and she really counts on that. Only one person needs to take to role of stability but the decision making process is based on both of you.

You are correct by saying that you guys have problems. Problems are part of marriage and you will never be able to change your partner even if you try really hard. You are a control freak and you have to learn to let it go on little things. If you show REAL flexibility she will do the same. Some counseling might help the communication and listening skills.