Marriage Problems

[KitJersey]

Hello, I am new to the forum. I am 44 years old and have been married for 9 years and we have 2 children, girl 6 years old and a boy who will be 3 on Sunday.

My Daughter seems to be having behavioral issues in school and it has been causing stress and problems in our marriage.

For the last month or two my husband and I have been fighting and it seems everything is a fight. He has been working 7 days a week (in sales) and does not spend much time with us. I feel he is not spending enough time with the kids. This past weekend he came home Friday at 6pm and left within the hour and went to the movies with his siblings. Next day he went to work and stayed at his bosses house and they went fishing the next morning. This was his only day off in weeks. Lately he eats dinner in the bedroom and does not even bother with the kids. I have asked him what is wrong and if he still loves me and he says he is just stressed and tired of everything. He says he still loves me and does not want to leave he just needs time to get back to how we were before. It just bothers me that he yells at the kids so much because they make too much noise. the situation with my daughter is stressful but we need to band together to fix it.

Basically I am in need of advice. Is it best for me to give him what he wants and stop nagging him about working so much and hope he comes around soon? His other complaint is that for 9 years of our marriage he cleaned the house and did the laundry and shopping (he worked nights most of the time) and he said he is getting tired of my laziness and wants me to help out. I have been trying but it seems I clean the entire house and when he comes home he finds something to complain about. Basically what bothers me the most is his lack of time with kids and his constant complaining about me and the kids.

I work full time with an hour commute each way and I work 40 to 70 hours a week and I love my kids but I am home with them all weekend and we have no extra money to do anything. I cannot take them to the park because they do not listen to me and it is a nightmare! I try to find free things to do but cannot. I feel so stressed out and have no one to talk to. My dad died 6 years ago (we were very close) and my mom lives near by but we do not get along so well, and she hates my husband.

All of my family and friends are back home in NJ and I am here in Florida. I have my in laws but they don’t really bother with me on the weekends and even if they invited me to the movies I have no money. I guess you can add money issues to the list too.
Just need a place to vent and get some feedback!!!

Thank you for your time!!!

 

[LSK]

Do you have a Moms club at your parish?

Would your husband ever consider a Marriage Encounter weekend?

What are the behavorial problems?

 

[Allegra]

1. If the behavior problems are bad enough that you don’t feel comfortable taking the kids to the park where kids are meant to run wild, then you need to confront those issues. Take her to the doctor and rule out any physical causes. (I had a pre-K student who was a nightmare at home and at school. He refused to cooperate with anyone, had no motivation to learn or play, and was constantly mean and cranky. It turned out that he had growths in his intestine that caused him constant discomfort.) There’s all sort of physical issues that can cause behavioral problems such as nutritional deficiancies, hearing impairments, etc. Ruling out a physical problem, you should ask your doctor for a referral to someone who can help, based on the specific behavioral problems. I hope I don’t offend you, but behavior problems at home are very often caused by inconsistant expectations and discipline at home. It sounds like this might be a possibility, since your husband comes home so tired and checked out.
2. You and your husband should see about counseling. People are going to start thinking that I say this to everyone, but your husband could also be dealing with depression.
3. Is there anyway you could develop a plan that would help financially. Are you living outside of your means? (Feel free not to answer that. It’s meant to think about.) Could you downsize your home or car? Could you refinance? Could you really tighten the belt for a short time and get ahead of your debt (if any) so that you could have more cash to work with? You might consider calling the DePaul Society. They often have free or inexpensive financial planning assistance available. It’s really important that you are both there for your kids and it sound like the long hours are burning your husband out. (and you a little bit too.)

 

[chartrav]

I am so sorry. I will lift up you, your husband and your children in prayers tonight. It sounds trite sometimes to offer your sufferings to God, but that thought sometimes helps me. A hug from across the miles in Indiana to you!

 

[Xantippe]

Here are some ideas:

1. A lot of behavior problems surface around six. I had a very bad two years with my oldest, starting at six, and was very happy she didn’t get expelled from private school. She was eventually diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Allegra has some very good advice on other possibilities. We did a lot of stuff with our daughter: various therapies (physical and psychological and horse therapy), close cooperation with teachers, lots of positive reinforcement. I have learned a lot from Howard Glasser, the author of the excellent book “Transforming the Difficult Child,” which is a positive reinforcement how-to. Our daughter’s symptoms have gradually faded with time and she is now much less of a handful. Dealing with a difficult child is a very time-intensive process and from your description, you and your husband are going to need to put in a lot more face-time with your oldest. Oh, and if you go the therapy route, it’s probably also going to be expensive.
2. It sounds like your husband is fleeing a very difficult home situation, which as you have seen only makes the situation worse. Things aren’t going to be like they were before if he leaves you to sink or swim by yourself. Tell him that and ask him to make plans together with you for working on the kids. I strongly suggest dividing and conquering the kids. On the weekend, tell your husband he needs to take the less difficult child for a few hours and you work with your difficult oldest. That’s not fair, but it’s probably all he can handle at the moment. It will be like a vacation for you to only deal with one child at a time, even if it’s the tough kid. We really benefited from a spring break where my husband visited his family with our youngest and the oldest was home with me for a week. It’s so much easier to manage all the behavioral stuff perfectly when it’s just you and the one kid. If your husband can’t manage the three-year-old by himself, arrange for your in-laws to take your husband and the three-year-old.
3. Think about how to take care of you, because you sound like you aren’t doing that great yourself, and you are the key to fixing your family. You feel isolated and lonely, which makes sense because at the moment you are isolated and alone. I bet you aren’t a lot of fun. You need to be able to be positive and energetic to do positive reinforcement with your kids (and your husband!), which I’m sure sounds really impossible right now, but if you can manage that, there’s hope for your whole family.
4. It sounds like you both work a lot. Why are your finances so strapped, if you are both working so many hours? (You don’t have to answer that question, but think about it.) Why does your husband have money to go to a movie and you don’t? It sounds like the two of you are living at completely different income levels in completely different social circles.
5. You don’t need to answer this, but what are you and your husband arguing about? Are you addressing the stuff you mention in your post? What are your husband’s proposed solutions to your problems?

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s another book suggestion. There’s a wonderful book entitled “Don’t Shoot the Dog!” which is about how to use positive reinforcement on people and animals. There are some very cute animal stories there about training cats and dolphins and people. I’d read that and also suggest that your husband should read it, too. Your husband needs hope, and you do too.

Also, what’s the school situation? Are there specialists at school who are helping you with your oldest? Is she in special education?