Marriage Problems

[Matthew8]

Hi all, just thought I would share with you what is going on that is problematic in my marriage, maybe there is someone that can give me some good counsel. I have tried so many things to try to help yet my wife and I are still stuck in the same situation. Here is the story.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years., we have 2 children but my wife does not want any more children because she had bad postpardum and had kidney stones during both of the pregnancies. We have had full marital relations less than 13 times in those 8 years. My wife wants me to get a vasectomy but I refuse to mutitlate my body. I have tried to do NFP with her (but even then she was fearfull of having relations because fear of getting pregnant) and it was going well for a while but she never takes any initiative to take her temperatures or to learn about NFP so I have given up. She does not give me ANY (she was never very affectionate but really, she never even gives me a peck on the cheek) physical afffection and lately when I try to intiate some possible foreplay she tells me she is tired. This lack of affection is really wearing on me. She never tells me she loves me. I send her sweet text messages and she never responds. We have talked about this many times in the past and she just says she has lost her love for me and that we are 2 totally different people. I am hurt and confused, maybe she is cheating? There is so much more to this story and I have tried so many things. We went to counseling a while back which I thought was helpfull but now she doesnt want to go anymore. We have diffences on the concept of spending money and work as well. The only thing I could think of is going on a retreat? Lets note that I have not been a perfect husband. At times I can say things that are mean, I can be too negative sometimes as well where I can see my wife not wanting to be around me, and at times I can be hard on her, I want to work on that. The good thing is that we still go to events (ex.family parties) together and hang out and do things as a family. She makes meals for me and we talk about family situations. But with me and her its almost like we are living together but separted. It is just hard, becuase I feel rejected every day by her. Thank you for listening.

 

[CatholicRaven]

That must really be difficult. I hope that she just doesn’t truly understand what she’s doing to herself, to you, and to your marriage, but is just hurting or starving emotionally (which may *or may not *be something that has to do with you). And I really hope she isn’t cheating.

Although it sounds like you’re doing a lot already, perhaps there are areas where you can do less (or skip entirely), and put that effort into other areas, so that it’s the same or even less effort with–hopefully!–better results. A few books that might help:
*Love and Respect *by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, PhD.
For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldman (this one is shorter, but much more limited in its helpfulness, because some women don’t fit into the “majority” categories of the surveys.)

In any case, I will for you!

 

[Matthew8]

I really appreciate the kind words, good advice and prayers. She does seem to be starving emotionally, I have to see where that is coming from. And I could probably do well to skip some things as well, sometimes I lack the temperance. Thank You.

 

[gh4]

This is not going to be a popular post, but so be it.

Have any of y’all ever had kidney stones? My father did and my husband did. I heard both of those men scream in pain.
I had a kidney infection once that was so bad and the pain was so horrible that they thought I had kidney stones. If kidney stones makes worse pain than that, it must be nearly unbearable.
I don’t know if she had one episode or multiple episodes of kidney stones while she was pregnant, but yeah, I do understand her desire to NOT go through that pain again.
So I can see why she would be terrified of becoming pregnant again.
I also understand why she would want something more reliable than nfp. If I were she, I’d have a very very long talk with my obgyn and get lots of information. Then I’d have a long talk with my urologist and get more info, specifically the reasons why this happens and if it’s preventable etc. And then I’d take that info and have a long chat with my priest. And then I’d have a long talk with my husband.
Sounds like the marriage is in need of lots of counseling and y’all might as well know all the cards that are on the table in this marriage. It’s going to take a lot to heal this marriage and this issue about pregnancy is probably at the center of it.
I wish you good luck and hope you are able to work through all this and save your marriage. But it’s going to be a lot of work and both of you need to work on it, not just one of you.
And we’ve heard only one side, and there are always 3 sides, yours hers and the unbiased one.

 

[on_the_hill]

Hi all, just thought I would share with you what is going on that is problematic in my marriage, maybe there is someone that can give me some good counsel. I have tried so many things to try to help yet my wife and I are still stuck in the same situation. Here is the story.

I’m sorry to read this. And I can empathize up to a point. I really have no advice, and can’t do much more than let you know that I feel for ya, and you’re not alone.

After three c-sections my wife’s body can’t handle any more pregnancies. The surgeries and resulting scar tissue displaced certain parts of her system and consequently unitive, procreative relations between us are intolerably painful for her. And her body wouldn’t be physically capable of sustaining a pregnancy. She is not at all interested in physical intimacies, and consequently, I’m entirely discouraged about initiating anything. (any medical solution would involve major surgery and there’s little guarantee of improvement anyway). She won’t even discuss it. So we don’t.

It is difficult to keep a marriage thriving when it’s all too easy to slide into the doldrums. It’s got its ups and downs.

However, we have maintained all the other things that go along with a loving, married life. Like I said, I can’t give you any useful advice, and can only say I’ve been there and it’s possible to make it through.

 

[Jon_S_1]

I’m sorry to read this. And I can empathize up to a point. I really have no advice, and can’t do much more than let you know that I feel for ya, and you’re not alone.

After three c-sections my wife’s body can’t handle any more pregnancies. The surgeries and resulting scar tissue displaced certain parts of her system and consequently unitive, procreative relations between us are intolerably painful for her. And her body wouldn’t be physically capable of sustaining a pregnancy. She is not at all interested in physical intimacies, and consequently, I’m entirely discouraged about initiating anything. (any medical solution would involve major surgery and there’s little guarantee of improvement anyway). She won’t even discuss it. So we don’t.

It is difficult to keep a marriage thriving when it’s all too easy to slide into the doldrums. It’s got its ups and downs.

However, we have maintained all the other things that go along with a loving, married life. Like I said, I can’t give you any useful advice, and can only say I’ve been there and it’s possible to make it through.

I will tell you from experience that you need to do whatever you can to save this marriage. I was married 7 years and went through something similar. We ended up divorcing. That decision to divorce haunts me daily. We went to lots of counseling but things got worse. What we really needed was a separation. Instead we got a messy divorce that caused a rift so great that we probably can’t ever be together again. I am trying to win my wife back now but it is not going well. I was not aware of Catholic teaching on marriage and have since found the Church. I am hoping my wife will go to Retrovaille with me, but that’s a ways off for us. I have heard great things about it. It is a weekend retreat.

Your wife may have issues from her past that cause her to avoid affection and intimacy. I would recommend both individual counseling and marriage coaching/workshops for both if you.

There is a federally funded program called “The third option” that originated in the Catholic Church. Look into that, it is a great program.

Counseling should also be available in your area through Catholic Charities.

I feel your hurt and will pray for you. Please pray for me as well.

The problems won’t fix themselves it will take a lot of work but believe me when I tell you divorce is a lot worse!

 

[Caroline723]

Your wife sounds depressed in general. You say she had postpartum depression, but sometimes that can be/turn into plain old depression. When she is saying that you two have turned into different people, may be her way of saying she doesn’t feel like her old self.

I would suggest marriage counseling and private counseling for her.

My advice to you is to stay the course you are on with your own behavior, despite it’s difficulty to express love to someone who is not returning it. Your purpose in marriage is still there - to get both of you to heaven. Try to set aside more worldly desires for the time being, and focus on higher goals. There are so many single people looking to fulfill their vocation to love in marriage, and you still have that in your marriage!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

This is not going to be a popular post, but so be it.

Have any of y’all ever had kidney stones? My father did and my husband did. I heard both of those men scream in pain.
I had a kidney infection once that was so bad and the pain was so horrible that they thought I had kidney stones. If kidney stones makes worse pain than that, it must be nearly unbearable.
I don’t know if she had one episode or multiple episodes of kidney stones while she was pregnant, but yeah, I do understand her desire to NOT go through that pain again.
So I can see why she would be terrified of becoming pregnant again.
I also understand why she would want something more reliable than nfp. If I were she, I’d have a very very long talk with my obgyn and get lots of information. Then I’d have a long talk with my urologist and get more info, specifically the reasons why this happens and if it’s preventable etc. And then I’d take that info and have a long chat with my priest. And then I’d have a long talk with my husband.
Sounds like the marriage is in need of lots of counseling and y’all might as well know all the cards that are on the table in this marriage. It’s going to take a lot to heal this marriage and this issue about pregnancy is probably at the center of it.
I wish you good luck and hope you are able to work through all this and save your marriage. But it’s going to be a lot of work and both of you need to work on it, not just one of you.
And we’ve heard only one side, and there are always 3 sides, yours hers and the unbiased one.

I would advise her to get more info from her doctors, as well.

I have a high pain tolerance. I have finished a softball tourney with a cracked shin and There were plenty of seasons where I had a broke finger or two and played through it. Kidney stones are the worst pain I have ever had. It made me violently sick to my stomach. I remember laying on the cold bathroom floor praying to God that if this was the end to let it hurry up and end. If one of my kidney stone triggers was pregnancy, I would avoid it too. Just sayin’.

 

[JackieMom]

I would advise her to get more info from her doctors, as well.

I have a high pain tolerance. I have finished a softball tourney with a cracked shin and There were plenty of seasons where I had a broke finger or two and played through it. Kidney stones are the worst pain I have ever had. It made me violently sick to my stomach. I remember laying on the cold bathroom floor praying to God that if this was the end to let it hurry up and end. If one of my kidney stone triggers was pregnancy, I would avoid it too. Just sayin’.

Third this. She could have aome seriously awful triggers from the pain she experienced during her pregnancies. I had hyperemesis with my first, which causes kidney stones. Awful. Just pure misery and honestly, terror. The first time, you are scared todeath because you don’t know what’s wrong. The second time, you are terrified because you know what’s coming. The worst part is that during pregnancy, they have to be conservative with the painkillers too. You can’t just get wiped out on morphine for a week. It is very possible that your wife has some PTSD from her experiences, and does not think you truly understand her fear of that happening to her again. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t had them. Do you think there is a possibility that she thinks you’ve minimized her suffering?

 

[R1ch4rd]

… with me and her its almost like we are living together but separted. It is just hard, becuase I feel rejected every day by her. Thank you for listening.

Retrouvaille calls it married single. Google "Five Love Languages and take a short survey, one for you and one for her. You may be talking totally different love languages…then go here.
www.retrouvaille.org/‎
Many of us have been in similar places and came out with a stronger marriage.
Best of luck

 

[Matthew8]

Thanks all for taking time out to post. So much good advice, and ideas for help and in time I hope to use it. Thank you all for sharing your own experiences as well, hopefully it will give me some confidence for the future.

gh4- We do need to get more info from the obgyn and the urologist. Not sure what you meant when you said, “also understand why she would want something more reliable than nfp,” the sympto thermal method is 98 or 99% effective. Artificial Birth Control may make matters worse since we would be using each other and not trusting in the Church.

Jon S- You said that in your experience, " What we really needed was a separation…" We have talked about that as well, and maybe that is the route to go although I hope it isnt because of the kids.

Jackimom - When you said, “Do you think there is a possibility that she thinks you’ve minimized her suffering?” she does think that very much. I want another child very bad and have sometimes been not sympathetic to her feelings. I sometimes hint at another child which may get her frustrated with me.

My wife also has a close relationship with her mother, which is good, but it sometimes goes too far in that her mom gets very much into our business. Maybe her emotional starving is between their relationship, I am not sure her mom has shown my wife that she has accepted me.

 

[Jon_S_1]

Thanks all for taking time out to post. So much good advice, and ideas for help and in time I hope to use it. Thank you all for sharing your own experiences as well, hopefully it will give me some confidence for the future.

gh4- We do need to get more info from the obgyn and the urologist. Not sure what you meant when you said, “also understand why she would want something more reliable than nfp,” the sympto thermal method is 98 or 99% effective. Artificial Birth Control may make matters worse since we would be using each other and not trusting in the Church.

Jon S- You said that in your experience, " What we really needed was a separation…" We have talked about that as well, and maybe that is the route to go although I hope it isnt because of the kids.

Jackimom - When you said, “Do you think there is a possibility that she thinks you’ve minimized her suffering?” she does think that very much. I want another child very bad and have sometimes been not sympathetic to her feelings. I sometimes hint at another child which may get her frustrated with me.

My wife also has a close relationship with her mother, which is good, but it sometimes goes too far in that her mom gets very much into our business. Maybe her emotional starving is between their relationship, I am not sure her mom has shown my wife that she has accepted me.

I will pray for your Journey Matthew. I will definitely recommend trying everything offerred here with a separation as a last resort. If you do separate, and I pray it does not come to that, then please do your separation under the guidance of a counselor and priest with restrictions in place to protect from straying and a plan for coming back together under one roof with a stronger bond. Sometimes space is needed but we don’t want to cause ourselves or our partner to stumble into adultery or divorce.

God Bless your Family. It is your greatest treasure here on earth.

 

[RoseMary131]

Look for the next Retrouvaille in your area. You can find dates on the website. You may also find information through your Diocese in the Family Life Office.

retrouvaille.org/

Retrouvaille™
… a lifeline for Marriages
A program to Help Couples Heal and Renew their Marriages.
Do you feel lost, alone or bored in your marriage?
Are you frustrated, hurt or angry with your spouse?
Are you constantly fighting? Or, do you simply shut down?
Have you thought about separation or divorce?
Does talking about it only make it worse?

… Retrouvaille provides marriage help!

What is a Retrouvaille Program?

The word Retrouvaille™ (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i.) is a French word meaning rediscovery. The program offers tools needed to rediscover a loving marriage relationship. Thousands of couples headed for cold, unloving relationships or divorce have successfully overcome their marriage problems by attending the program.

The Retrouvaille Program consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over 3 months. It provides the tools to help put your marriage in order again. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. It will give you the opportunity to rediscover each other and examine your lives together in a new and positive way.

What the Program is not.

It is not a retreat, marriage counseling, or a sensitivity group. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend. It is not a time for hurting; it is a time for healing.

Who is it for?

It is for couples with marital problems including those who are considering marriage separation and those who are already separated or divorced that want marriage help.

Some couples come to Retrouvaille during the initial signs of a marriage problem. Other couples are in a state of despair and hopelessness when they attend the program. These latter couples often consider the Retrouvaille program their final option.

Many lawyers and judges send couples to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to filing for a divorce or rendering final decisions. Many marriage counselors send their clients to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to marriage counseling. These professionals know that the tools of communication in marriage taught in the program are often what couples need.

What Happens During a Retrouvaille Program?

During the weekend phase, a team of three couples and a priest or three couples and a Christian minister & spouse give a series of presentations. The weekend is not a spiritual retreat, not a marriage encounter or marriage seminar although it does have characteristics of each of these and much more. You will, however, be encouraged to put the past behind you and start rediscovering each other.

The team presents a technique of communication that enables you to take a good look at most areas of your relationship. The team does not provide marriage advice. The team provides practical tools for improving your marriage. They will share how they were able to benefit from these techniques themselves. After each presentation you will have a chance to reflect on it by yourself, then discuss it in complete privacy with your spouse.

The weekend is not a ‘miracle cure’; therefore, the post-weekend sessions have been designed to continue the marriage renewal begun on the weekend. The post-weekend phase is as crucial, maybe more critical, to the healing of marriage problems. During the post-weekend sessions, the technique learned on the weekend is further developed and is used to explore additional areas of the marriage relationship.

 

[RoseMary131]

If you feel Retrouvaille, which is for hurting marriages, is not for you and your wife, maybe you would like to make a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend.

retrouvaille.org/

wwme.org/

Worldwide Marriage Encounter is to make good marriages into great marriages. Every marriage has its ups and downs. Some couples go simply for a beautiful weekend together. Others feel there is a little something more they want for their marriage, maybe to rekindle closeness or romance.

WWME gives you tools in communicating with each other, in understanding how the other one feels, in how to live life as a couple and not as separate people in the same home. It helps each person even understand themselves better.

Check the WWME website for a weekend near you. Some couple drive many hours and even go to other states to attend a WWME weekend.

While you are looking at how to heal some of your pains in your marriage, make appointments for in-depth physicals with your doctors.

If you have an interest in another child, but your wife is very fearful of pregnancy at this time, have you discussed adoption? Your Diocese may have an adoption program.

 

[RoseMary131]

I . I was married 7 years and went through something similar. We ended up divorcing. That decision to divorce haunts me daily. We …** I am hoping my wife will go to Retrovaille with me, but that’s a ways off for us.** I have heard great things about it. It is a weekend retreat.

I hope, Jon, that you two attend a Retrouvaille weekend soon. Keep praying that God helps you attend soon.

retrouvaille.org/

 

[Jon_S_1]

I hope, Jon, that you two attend a Retrouvaille weekend soon. Keep praying that God helps you attend soon.

retrouvaille.org/

Thank you. I hope and pray we will. I’m fighting for the wife God gave me, the gift I was blessed with, that in my despair, ignorance, and brokenness threw away.

Please pray for softened hearts, and trust.

Thanks

 

[haedron]

Third this. She could have aome seriously awful triggers from the pain she experienced during her pregnancies. I had hyperemesis with my first, which causes kidney stones. Awful. Just pure misery and honestly, terror. The first time, you are scared todeath because you don’t know what’s wrong. The second time, you are terrified because you know what’s coming. The worst part is that during pregnancy, they have to be conservative with the painkillers too. You can’t just get wiped out on morphine for a week. It is very possible that your wife has some PTSD from her experiences, and does not think you truly understand her fear of that happening to her again. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t had them. Do you think there is a possibility that she thinks you’ve minimized her suffering?

Fourth this. I’m a male, and only had a kidney stone once. I’m terrified of ever experiencing that again. In my case it was from severe dehydration after intense workouts. I am extremely careful to drink lots of fluids now, especially when training.

I can guarantee that if I were a woman and I felt that getting pregnant was likely to cause me to have kidney stones, I would not be getting pregnant.

 

[gh4]

Thanks all for taking time out to post. So much good advice, and ideas for help and in time I hope to use it. Thank you all for sharing your own experiences as well, hopefully it will give me some confidence for the future.

gh4- We do need to get more info from the obgyn and the urologist. Not sure what you meant when you said, “also understand why she would want something more reliable than nfp,” the sympto thermal method is 98 or 99% effective. Artificial Birth Control may make matters worse since we would be using each other and not trusting in the Church.

I’m not sure that 98% would be good enough for me if I had the same problem your wife does. I have several friends who have used NFP and they all have had a slip up.

And I totally disagree with most birth control because it’s just not healthy or safe, and that’s a medical opinion with me, not a religious thing.

I’m just saying that I sure can see your wife’s side of this. And sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is not going to be a popular post, but so be it.

Have any of y’all ever had kidney stones? My father did and my husband did. I heard both of those men scream in pain.
I had a kidney infection once that was so bad and the pain was so horrible that they thought I had kidney stones. If kidney stones makes worse pain than that, it must be nearly unbearable.
I don’t know if she had one episode or multiple episodes of kidney stones while she was pregnant, but yeah, I do understand her desire to NOT go through that pain again.
So I can see why she would be terrified of becoming pregnant again.
I also understand why she would want something more reliable than nfp. If I were she, I’d have a very very long talk with my obgyn and get lots of information. Then I’d have a long talk with my urologist and get more info, specifically the reasons why this happens and if it’s preventable etc. And then I’d take that info and have a long chat with my priest. And then I’d have a long talk with my husband.
Sounds like the marriage is in need of lots of counseling and y’all might as well know all the cards that are on the table in this marriage. It’s going to take a lot to heal this marriage and this issue about pregnancy is probably at the center of it.
I wish you good luck and hope you are able to work through all this and save your marriage. But it’s going to be a lot of work and both of you need to work on it, not just one of you.
And we’ve heard only one side, and there are always 3 sides, yours hers and the unbiased one.

Yeah, I had a kidney stone, it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, it had to be removed surgically, and so what. It doesn’t excuse you from having normal sexual relations nor being open to life. She’s not off the hook on that score, sorry.

 

[R1ch4rd]

Yeah, I had a kidney stone, it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, it had to be removed surgically, and so what. It doesn’t excuse you from having normal sexual relations nor being open to life. She’s not off the hook on that score, sorry.

Agreed. I’ve had them also and while my Doctor said it’s about the same as natural child birth, that didn’t stop anyone from from having more then one child, and it wouldn’t stop me from uniting with my wife.