Marriage Problems

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Florian7051

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My wife of 6 1/2 years just had a birthday.

When we got married we were poor, we still are, but we were worse off then. The military had us across the world from one another when we decided to get married. All arrangements were made over the phone, nothing was traditional about it.

For her 35th B-day I surprised her with a Leo Diamond and a proper proposal, something she deserved, something I wanted to give to her, and something I thought she needed.

This spiraled her into a depression. She says it’s about her weight and her self esteem. She has gained weight since we had our first child, and 2 more after that, and she isn’t in the same 120 pound frame she was when we first met, but she is still beautiful and charming and social and fun, but she loses touch with that and the person inside becomes reclusive, sad, unmotivated, and ugly. I pray for her every day, is there anything I can do to reach inside and pull my wife out of all of that mess.

I love her so much, and I am scared for her.

I need advise…:confused:
 
Florian, that was a beautiful thing to do for your wife.

As I don’t know your wife, it’s difficult to answer why she would become gloomy when you gave her such a thoughtful gift. If your being kind and generous doesn’t help, then it doesn’t seem you are doing anything wrong. Perhaps she doesn’t think she deserves anything good.
It might seem that instead of remaining sad and doing nothing about her weight, if that is her basic concern, perhaps she needs to decide for herself to eat and exercise in a way that will help her regain her figure if that will help.
Your wife may need outside help to overcome the depression. If so, may God guide you both.

All I really know to do is to pray for her, you, and the children, that your wife will find healing and strength, for all your sakes.

Kind wishes and prayers,
Trishie
 
I also think that you did a very beautiful thing, and with time, your wife will understand. Right now she need to see a doctor, I can not give you a diagnose because it is against forum rules and against medical ethic, but take her to a doctor. I am sure your problem can be solved without difficulties.
 
Could it be possible that she’s suffering from post-partum? This affects many women and sometimes does not go away without proper care? I don’t know, but that was the first possibility that entered into my mind when reading your story.
What you’ve done for your wife is loving and generous and kind. Be a rock for her and encourage her to talk to you when she’s feeling at her lowest. Show her in gestures, not in words, that she’s beautiful to you. Most of all, be patient. This can be a struggle, but you clearly love her a lot, since you’re coming to an online board to ask for help 🙂 God bless you both. Pray!
 
I will keep both of you in my prayers. Hopefully she will get the help she needs and begin to enjoy life again.
 
thank you everyone,

She has seen a doctor. She did suffer some post partum depression with our oldest, but is no longer being treated for it. She is being treated for hypo-thyroidism, and some other issues, but I feel like this is something new, something different. We are in the military, so the medical isn’t the best and that is obviously a concern of mine.

I just want to know what I did wrong. I didn’t do this to make her feel unworthy or undeserving. I did it so she would know how much I love her, how committed I am, and how deserving she is of everything we have plus so much more. Instead I made her feel like garbage. I just don’t get it.

It’s tough to be a rock when I continue to make the situation worse. Our kids go to Catholic school and I try to talk with friends that know her better, but when I talk to our mutual friends it ends up making her feel like I’m airing out our laundry, when in all actuality I’m just looking for advice. I came here because of the anonymity.

This situation is bad. She just stares at her computer in her pajamas all day. She says she doesn’t put her cloths on because they don’t fit and they are uncomfortable. I know an awful lot about working out so she always asks for me to put together a routine for her, but when I do she gives up at it.

I’m not even sure if that is the issue, or if she is just using it as an excuse. I just want to know what I can do to make her feel good about herself.
 
Hi Florian
There are probably a number of angles on this reaction to the ring thing. Let me apologise up front for some of the angles I am coming from but sometimes it has to hurt before it gets better. I am NOT an expert (though I have been through a massive 6yr depression in my 30s so I know some of the tricks of the mind and mental health through my own experience).

First up, as others have said we can never rule out the bodily component as the most significant cause - which means the mind can latch on to anything and make that appear to be the issue when it isn’t. Hypo-thyroidism suggests a significant biological component and maybe medication needs review. If your wife is on tricyclics maybe it is worth reviewing (not with a GP but a Clinical Psychologist).

The ring thing. That suggests something about your marriage may be the difficulty. Something she has not the courage to even think about let alone verbalise with you. Sometimes depression is anger turned inwards. Turned inwards because it is against a loved-one they cannot even contemplate hurting… yet the damage they do to themselves and the loved-one ends up being 10x worse than what they subconsciously fear.

This is where the clinical psychologist above may be able to help. He is a disinterested safe third party whom she may be able to open up to in private (if he is smart enough to see through her defences and kind enough to draw her out in safety). But to enter on this path you would need to be very strong yourself because once that lid is lifted (if this or something else to do with you or the family is indeed the issue) who knows where the cards may fall if she is to regain health.

Then again the real answer may lie somewhere between the two extremes scenario-ed above. I simply offer you new ways to think about the situation.

I am sorry I cannot help you more because I know the misery of depression for all involved.
Good luck.
 
Florian7051 said:
My wife of 6 1/2 years just had a birthday.

When we got married we were poor, we still are, but we were worse off then. The military had us across the world from one another when we decided to get married. All arrangements were made over the phone, nothing was traditional about it.

For her 35th B-day I surprised her with a Leo Diamond and a proper proposal, something she deserved, something I wanted to give to her, and something I thought she needed.

This spiraled her into a depression. She says it’s about her weight and her self esteem. She has gained weight since we had our first child, and 2 more after that, and she isn’t in the same 120 pound frame she was when we first met, but she is still beautiful and charming and social and fun, but she loses touch with that and the person inside becomes reclusive, sad, unmotivated, and ugly. I pray for her every day, is there anything I can do to reach inside and pull my wife out of all of that mess.

I love her so much, and I am scared for her.

I need advise…:confused:
Click to expand...
It could be the ring and proposal reminded her of what she once was - and what she’ll never be again. It’s hard for me sometimes to accept that some aspects of my wedding I would like to have done different - but can never redo. And when it comes to body image - it’s hard sometimes to know that even if I exercise, eat right, lose every bit of excess fat, I’ll still be “ugly” due to the results of six pregnancies. (Spare me, btw, grin I don’t need/nor want to hear I’m “beautiful” - the only “beautiful” that counts is in my own head, something I’m working on smile)

Anyway - you love her which is awesome. But she needs to love herself as well. Help her pursue medical and mental health options as much as she’s willing.

But otherwise, maybe it’s time to focus on something totally new that you’d both enjoy doing, but that neither of you have a clue how to do. That way you’re starting off on the same level rather than her being “broken” and you being “dedicated by love to save her”. Not saying YOU think this way - but she might feel it that way.

And if she’s not in a place to start something new with you - try starting something new on your own, but let her know you’d love to have her join you if/when she’s interested - and that’d you’d be willing to meet her at her level in whatever it is (bowling, running, rock climbing, obstacle course racing, knitting, etc.). Having a shared passion outside of the traditional husband/wife, father/mother roles can be a great thing for all concerned (as I’m discovering for myself).

And don’t forget to keep praying. It works. I’ll pray for you both as well.
 
Sounds like she needs professional help. She needs someone objective who can teach her how to accept her new body and situation.

If her clothes don’t fit, then she needs to buy new clothes. Regardless of how she may or may not feel, she is still setting an example to the kids by sitting around all day in her PJ’s and staring at the computer. That’s not healthy for all of them. The kids need to be outside or, at least, interacting with Mom. Mom needs to step away from the computer.

Does she have a mom’s group where she and the kids can spend time with others?

Women struggle with their weight and body issues all the time. It doesn’t help when we have kids and realize that we’ll never have the same body again. It doesn’t help that society tells us that we all need to be size “zero” to be attractive. We get all sorts of mixed messages that it’s hard to know what is true and what’s not.

You need to help her see that her behavior is destructive to your family and that she needs to get help.

If the ring bothers her that much, then just return it and ask her what she’d prefer as a gift, instead of the ring.

It’s good that you are trying to talk to people about your struggles. However, I think that it might be more helpful to talk to someone who isn’t also her friend and won’t go back to her and “report” back to her the details of your conversation. (At least that’s the impression of what’s going on that I got from your post.)

There’s a difference between “reporting” what you said in a conversation and having the mutual friend “express concern” to your wife because of her behavior.

Given your wife’s state of mind, I really wouldn’t go down that road and create even more drama.
 
Thyroid and post partum can cause serious mood disorders and depression–sounds like a call to her physician is in order. I specifically would recommend a psychiatrist and psychotherapist team. While a general practitioner can prescribe drugs to address depression, IMO it is best to use a specialist whenever possible. Often for postpartum depression the OBGYN prescribes the drug but the patient isn’t transferred to the care of a psychiatrist who can better calibrate and assess what is going on. The psychotherapist can help her develop some practical techniques for dealing with the depression or obsessive thinking.

As for the ring, it was a nice gesture. At the same time it was a gift that was oriented to the “past” and may have unwittingly focused your wife’s attention onto what was, rather than what is. This sort of unhealthy rumination is common in folks who are depressed. I agree with the advice to ask her if she would like to return the gift and get something else that would please her. If she is non-committal, just put the ring away for now. Try not to focus on your hurt feelings for now–she isn’t doing this to upset you.

While it is normal to want to seek help and advice, a counselor or therapist would be a better choice rather than her circle of friends. Have faith that with the right medical help, you and your wife can make it through this time successfully. I’ll pray for you both.
 
I’ve tried so hard to get her off of the computer but that’s become her reality. She goes there for support with her problems when most of the problem is she doesn’t move because she’s glued to the computer. It’s a never ending cycle and I don’t know how to break it. Its starting to pull us down. The kids are glued to Netflix or their iPads constantly, and even I am here looking for answers on a glowing rectangle. She resents me for hating computers. She does have mental health problems, but she is being medicated for them, however she stopped going to therapy because she can’t find anyone to watch the kids. I can’t because I work 2 jobs in attempt to pick up her slack plus go to college. And even when she did go to therapy I’m pretty sure she wasn’t telling the truth or opening up. I know how she is and she felt forced to be there. I want her to want to get help, but I know in her mind she’s fine, it’s everyone else that has a problem. I don’t know what to do any more.
 
Computers and other electronics can pull us in and turn us into lazy zombies if we let them! I know if I spend too much time on the computer I get depressed too, and worse, a massive migraine. You might not be able to physically pull your wife away from the computer, but the kids are half yours. You need to take their electronic devices away, make everyone a good meal, and do something fun away from home, even if it’s a walk to the park. My hope is that your wife will follow. I know from being a stay home mom that life can get monotonous if you don’t take a break from hum drum routines (for me it was my never-ending mountain of laundry) and give yourself a much needed break outside the home, both with the kids and alone. This increase in activity can also take off some weight without you even trying.

You say you are both in the military but didn’t specify your specific duties. Is post traumatic stress a possibility?

Prayers to you. Hope your wife snaps out if this rut soon.
 
No, just I am in the military, my wife is a stay at home mom. I am a firefighter. I have been blown up before but we get screened annually for PTSD. Post concussion syndrome is a more likely possibility for me as I do project some of the signs and symptoms, but I have other issues that are more pressing. I have a herniated disc causing syatica. I’m going to be under the knife in August. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t ruled out me being part of the problem, I just feel like I’ve nipped in the butt all the negative that I brought to the table. I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I sought counseling, I’ve undergone mental health screenings, I just can’t get checked out for post concussion syndrome until I get my back fixed. All this said, my wife has done not too much, and the scary thing is she knows she has mental health issues. I would love to take the kids away from it but I hardly see them anymore. Between the military and my second job lumberjacking I’m never around. I’m trying so hard to pick up the financial slack, but its too much for me. I’ve told her this and maybe this is where the guilt comes from, but I don’t want her to feel bad I just need her to be on the same team as me. I can’t afford time and money to support the five of us in the way each of them need support all by myself. I either need her to help or I need to start punishing with out warrant by neglecting either luxury or quality time. No one deserves to be punished. I don’t know what to do. I’ve already trimmed what I could from myself. I thought this ring would be a symbol of my love and dedication instead it became a model of her unworthiness. I don’t know what to do, just because she is sick doesn’t mean she deserves to be punished yet I can’t help but feel like I am enabling her to continue this self destructive behavior.
 
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