I
Isabel_08
Guest
Maybe this belongs in Prayer Requests, but I really feel like I need to vent. I hope this is okay. Been married for 4 months and, man…
Got married Dec., conceived our 1st child 1 mo later. Then in Feb., my disabled MIL moved in with us.
Husband drinks often. This has been a problem long before we met. He gets mean and says horrible things. He knows where it hurts. Then, he either doesn’t remember the next day, or he justifies it because I: don’t keep a clean house (dirty dishes in the sink last time), didn’t make him dinner (he says he doesn’t like to eat when he’s “relaxing” with beers), or, I “rejected” him sexually. Which brings me to my next point.
He watched porn. A lot. This was also a known issue before we got married (bad discernment, I know. It looked like we were making improvements in our problems. Again…I know.) If he’s bored, he uses. If I’m “out” due to studying for a test, nausea from morning sickness, asleep at 3 am, etc., he uses porn. And it’s my fault. Even when I let him know it’s just a little while, rain check in 1/2 hr or as soon as my stomach settles. He used porn the days leading up to our wedding!!
and we had…some difficulties. Oh, did he get scared then, swearing he would never even glance at porn or masturbate again. He used porn before our 1st appt. with the OB to see our baby. I was livid, if memory serves correct, I initiated and found out. I admit many times he initiates now, I react by shrinking away/getting annoyed. It may be the “flirtatious” way he touches me, like in public or around his mom, the way he asks (very demanding “give me, now”), I’m studying and very stressed, or he’s waking me up in the middle of the night/REM AGAIN (for some reason people love to do this and get offended when disorientation and amplification of any noise & stimulation for the next 10-15 mins gets me very ornery). It might be he’s drunk and acting like a a-h*le. I WANT to be intimate, to be able to relax and enjoy it, but feel like I can’t say “not just now” because he stalks off angry, or, if he takes it well, I’ll just find him in another room with his porn. All after I think “How sweet! He understands. I’ll hurry up and finish here.” When I do go initiate (hw is done, MIL is in bed, morning sickness has passed, whatever, I’m now able to think about intimacy) he’s usually drunk or “done”.
He blames NFP for many things, calling it feminist bs, insists it doesn’t work, he just KNEW we’d get pregnant quick. Though he was fine for a while during marriage prep, and we WERE aware of being fertile when we conceived. He wants me to use the Pill so we can be “responsible adults”, but he is adamant about not having to abstain, and when I point out that he can use a condom if he loves contraception that much, he gets defensive. Somehow, it’s way more hassle/demeaning than having your body chemistry all screwed up. I just fixed an old hormone imbalance, too, so religious reasons aside, I’m not eager to have them messed up again. He’s also always wanting to engage in acts not open to life, both as an alternative to abstinence during NFP, and in itself. Toned down a bit after a bad incident. One thing that hurts me is his past, which he does not appear to be repentant of, and I feel like it fuels the justification in his heart/mind that certain acts are owed to him.
After all, everyone else in America does it.
And just last night, he told me he was now often fantasizing about cheating on me because I turn him down often and that, as a wife, I should give in whenever, always super submissive without “giving him attitude” (This time I’d turned him down for 1 thing (I was probably wrong to do so), but definitely not the rest of the day. And yes, when he told me this (the cheating thing) he had a few beers in him. But I’m hard-pressed to believe, at least in his case, that people don’t tend to spill their guts when they’re drunk.)
Why did I marry him? We love each other. I have no doubt he loves me and I love him. We’ve gone through a lot and were working hard to be better. Getting guidance from the deacon who would officiate at our wedding. He even had a major epiphany in October, feast of Our Lady of Victory. I remember because I had a car accident that triggered it. He realized we needed God in our marriage. He started to turn back to the Church. But here we are, dealing with all these…demons. And I’m far from perfect, so I acknowledge my part.
But it feels like I’m living with Jekyll&Hyde many times. One moment he’s professing serious good things (like, that he would never be unfaithful to me, that I’m a wonderful and sweet person, that he appreciates the help I give with his mom) and then, either immediately if he’s drinking or later something sets him off (usually while drinking), he’ll pound in the exact opposite. That I’m a horrible wife, that he married wrong and he should’ve married a woman from the army or gone to Saudi Arabia/Mexico to find a “real” wife, that I’m stupid, etc.
To top it off, I’ve been battling depression on and off for about 6 years now, complete with suicidal fantasies, anxiety (car accident didn’t help), and low self-esteem pretty much all my life. I’m a grouchy, easily irritated person with little energy and I hate it. My husband is the nicest, most cheery person (when he’s not drinking, that is). I want to fix this. I have a list of Al-Anon meetings to go to very soon, and will bring up my depression with the OB next week, see if he can refer us to treatment. Loathe as I am to take drugs while pregnant, I want this black hole gone. Also need to start praying more, like the priest instructed during confession. I’ve been struggling with faith. Part of it is guilt, part of it is resentment and anger.
I know I need to fix a lot in myself. Can’t change others, learned that the hard way. I just hope our marriage gets better instead of worse. We’ve got a lot of problems. Please, prayers are desperately needed…
Got married Dec., conceived our 1st child 1 mo later. Then in Feb., my disabled MIL moved in with us.
Husband drinks often. This has been a problem long before we met. He gets mean and says horrible things. He knows where it hurts. Then, he either doesn’t remember the next day, or he justifies it because I: don’t keep a clean house (dirty dishes in the sink last time), didn’t make him dinner (he says he doesn’t like to eat when he’s “relaxing” with beers), or, I “rejected” him sexually. Which brings me to my next point.
He watched porn. A lot. This was also a known issue before we got married (bad discernment, I know. It looked like we were making improvements in our problems. Again…I know.) If he’s bored, he uses. If I’m “out” due to studying for a test, nausea from morning sickness, asleep at 3 am, etc., he uses porn. And it’s my fault. Even when I let him know it’s just a little while, rain check in 1/2 hr or as soon as my stomach settles. He used porn the days leading up to our wedding!!
and we had…some difficulties. Oh, did he get scared then, swearing he would never even glance at porn or masturbate again. He used porn before our 1st appt. with the OB to see our baby. I was livid, if memory serves correct, I initiated and found out. I admit many times he initiates now, I react by shrinking away/getting annoyed. It may be the “flirtatious” way he touches me, like in public or around his mom, the way he asks (very demanding “give me, now”), I’m studying and very stressed, or he’s waking me up in the middle of the night/REM AGAIN (for some reason people love to do this and get offended when disorientation and amplification of any noise & stimulation for the next 10-15 mins gets me very ornery). It might be he’s drunk and acting like a a-h*le. I WANT to be intimate, to be able to relax and enjoy it, but feel like I can’t say “not just now” because he stalks off angry, or, if he takes it well, I’ll just find him in another room with his porn. All after I think “How sweet! He understands. I’ll hurry up and finish here.” When I do go initiate (hw is done, MIL is in bed, morning sickness has passed, whatever, I’m now able to think about intimacy) he’s usually drunk or “done”.He blames NFP for many things, calling it feminist bs, insists it doesn’t work, he just KNEW we’d get pregnant quick. Though he was fine for a while during marriage prep, and we WERE aware of being fertile when we conceived. He wants me to use the Pill so we can be “responsible adults”, but he is adamant about not having to abstain, and when I point out that he can use a condom if he loves contraception that much, he gets defensive. Somehow, it’s way more hassle/demeaning than having your body chemistry all screwed up. I just fixed an old hormone imbalance, too, so religious reasons aside, I’m not eager to have them messed up again. He’s also always wanting to engage in acts not open to life, both as an alternative to abstinence during NFP, and in itself. Toned down a bit after a bad incident. One thing that hurts me is his past, which he does not appear to be repentant of, and I feel like it fuels the justification in his heart/mind that certain acts are owed to him.
After all, everyone else in America does it.And just last night, he told me he was now often fantasizing about cheating on me because I turn him down often and that, as a wife, I should give in whenever, always super submissive without “giving him attitude” (This time I’d turned him down for 1 thing (I was probably wrong to do so), but definitely not the rest of the day. And yes, when he told me this (the cheating thing) he had a few beers in him. But I’m hard-pressed to believe, at least in his case, that people don’t tend to spill their guts when they’re drunk.)
Why did I marry him? We love each other. I have no doubt he loves me and I love him. We’ve gone through a lot and were working hard to be better. Getting guidance from the deacon who would officiate at our wedding. He even had a major epiphany in October, feast of Our Lady of Victory. I remember because I had a car accident that triggered it. He realized we needed God in our marriage. He started to turn back to the Church. But here we are, dealing with all these…demons. And I’m far from perfect, so I acknowledge my part.
But it feels like I’m living with Jekyll&Hyde many times. One moment he’s professing serious good things (like, that he would never be unfaithful to me, that I’m a wonderful and sweet person, that he appreciates the help I give with his mom) and then, either immediately if he’s drinking or later something sets him off (usually while drinking), he’ll pound in the exact opposite. That I’m a horrible wife, that he married wrong and he should’ve married a woman from the army or gone to Saudi Arabia/Mexico to find a “real” wife, that I’m stupid, etc.
To top it off, I’ve been battling depression on and off for about 6 years now, complete with suicidal fantasies, anxiety (car accident didn’t help), and low self-esteem pretty much all my life. I’m a grouchy, easily irritated person with little energy and I hate it. My husband is the nicest, most cheery person (when he’s not drinking, that is). I want to fix this. I have a list of Al-Anon meetings to go to very soon, and will bring up my depression with the OB next week, see if he can refer us to treatment. Loathe as I am to take drugs while pregnant, I want this black hole gone. Also need to start praying more, like the priest instructed during confession. I’ve been struggling with faith. Part of it is guilt, part of it is resentment and anger.
I know I need to fix a lot in myself. Can’t change others, learned that the hard way. I just hope our marriage gets better instead of worse. We’ve got a lot of problems.
Please, prayers are desperately needed…
