Marriage question..need HELP

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Chrissy306

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ok so…to try and put things simply me and my family are catholic…catholic school our whole lives etc. I recently became engaged to a non believer. I always dreamt of getting married in a catholic church (my fam church) but from everything I am reading if he doesn’t convert that’s out of the question. So I’ve come to deal with not getting married in a church…but it is still VERY important to me to receive the sacrament of marriage. Can I still receive the sacrament if we get married at a venue and obviously he isn’t catholic?? How would this work??? Very confused and need HELP :confused: :confused:
 
You should talk to your priest about this.

It is possible. It is known as a “disparity of cult”, where a Catholic marries a non-baptised person (assume he is non baptised), and you will need a dispensation from your bishop. There are certain conditions, such as your agreeing to do everything possible to raise children in the faith. Such as dispensation would allow for a “church wedding”. Please note that if you don’t do this and “marry” outside of the Church, that the Church will not recognise your marriage. Thus, you are not really married at all.

If he is baptised it is much easier and while permission is still required, it is typically a much easier process.
 
Chrissy306 said:
ok so…to try and put things simply me and my family are catholic…catholic school our whole lives etc. I recently became engaged to a non believer. I always dreamt of getting married in a catholic church (my fam church) but from everything I am reading if he doesn’t convert that’s out of the question. So I’ve come to deal with not getting married in a church…but it is still VERY important to me to receive the sacrament of marriage. Can I still receive the sacrament if we get married at a venue and obviously he isn’t catholic?? How would this work??? Very confused and need HELP :confused: :confused:
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My advice? Don’t marry a non-believer. My apologies if that sounds harsh, but you don’t want to be me in 15 years.
 
Religion has never really been an issue before between us, I kept to my own business about it…i mean he always complains when I have to drag him to family church gatherings…but I have managed to convince him my child NEEDS to be baptized or my mother would kidnap it and do it herself lol…so I just want to know if I can still receive the sacrament of marriage w/o him?
 
Chrissy306 said:
ok so…to try and put things simply me and my family are catholic…catholic school our whole lives etc. I recently became engaged to a non believer. I always dreamt of getting married in a catholic church (my fam church) but from everything I am reading if he doesn’t convert that’s out of the question. So I’ve come to deal with not getting married in a church…but it is still VERY important to me to receive the sacrament of marriage. Can I still receive the sacrament if we get married at a venue and obviously he isn’t catholic?? How would this work??? Very confused and need HELP :confused: :confused:
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There are two different kinds of valid marriages according to the Catholic Church. Natural and sacramental. In order for a marriage be sacramental both parties must be baptized (though they do not have to be Catholic). Any two people can be married validly whether or not they are Catholic so long as they do not have any impediments to marriage. As for being married in a Catholic Church even if your fiance is not Catholic… I’m pretty sure thats perfectly fine, you just need to get the correct dispensations, you would also probably not want to get married in the context of a mass, but instead just have a marriage ceremony as it would be a sign of division for you to receive communion at your first Mass without your spouse receiving.

This site has more information that you may find helpful.

catholicweddinghelp.com/questions/wedding-form-options.htm

Also, I feel I should note that getting married to someone who does not share your faith brings many difficulties to a marriage that do not exist in marriages where both spouses share the same faith (and I don’t just mean in name only). Many people see this and use it to say that no-one should ever marry outside their faith. While I won’t go that far (as there certainly are examples of people of different faiths with good and happy marriages) I do highly suggest you make sure to familiarize yourself with the extra difficulties this kind of marriage can bring and make sure you and your spouse are ready to accept these difficulties and remain committed to each other despite them.

God Bless
 
Chrissy306 said:
ok so…to try and put things simply me and my family are catholic…catholic school our whole lives etc. I recently became engaged to a non believer. I always dreamt of getting married in a catholic church (my fam church) but from everything I am reading if he doesn’t convert that’s out of the question. So I’ve come to deal with not getting married in a church…but it is still VERY important to me to receive the sacrament of marriage. Can I still receive the sacrament if we get married at a venue and obviously he isn’t catholic?? How would this work??? Very confused and need HELP :confused: :confused:
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You can (and should!) get married in a Catholic church even if you are marrying a non-Christian. Please talk to a priest at your local Catholic parish to make the necessary arrangements. (But if you have already talked to the priest, and if he has told you that your fiance must convert, then I think that the priest has given you incorrect information, and I would advise checking with a different priest at a different parish.)

Having said that, there are some serious issues that I hope you will consider before marrying a non-Christian man, especially if the two of you are blessed with children after your marriage. For example, will he mind the children being raised in the Catholic faith? Will he mind them receiving the sacraments? Will he say things to undermine the faith that you are teaching to your children? Will you regret that your husband cannot be the spiritual leader of your family? Will he go to Mass with you, and if not, is that OK with you? Will he accept the Catholic teaching on contraception and on openness to life within marriage? Does he accept the permanence of marriage? And so on.

I realize that you probably have considered at least some of these questions already. Maybe you have discussed them with your fiance, and you are comfortable with the answers or agreements that came out of those discussions. But if you haven’t considered these and similar questions, please do give them serious consideration before you make your wedding plans.

Marriage is wonderful, and I thank God for my wife and for our marriage. But I also know first-hand that marriage can sometimes be very challenging, especially when the husband and wife don’t see eye-to-eye on some aspect of raising the children. And my wife and I are both Catholic. I can only imagine that the challenges would probably be multiplied several times over if one of us were not Catholic.
 
Chrissy306 said:
Religion has never really been an issue before between us, I kept to my own business about it…i mean he always complains when I have to drag him to family church gatherings…but I have managed to convince him my child NEEDS to be baptized or my mother would kidnap it and do it herself lol…so I just want to know if I can still receive the sacrament of marriage w/o him?
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Just to add on, having kids is one of the main things that brings up hidden difficulties and disagreements in an inter-faith marriage. Because people with different faiths have different worldviews when it comes to raising their kids they naturally want their kids to see the world as they do, to not be fooled by some false religion etc. Oftentimes, even when there was no conflict before kids, once the kids actually come along the spouses find that they have much stronger feelings about how to raise their child than they would have thought, and it can lead to serious disagreements. Again, I’m not saying absolutely don’t marry him, I’m just saying you should make sure to actually look into the kind of difficulties that tend to emerge in such marriages and be sure that you, as a couple, will be able to handle them. Its easy to think that such a thing would never be a problem, or never a serious one, and so pass it off as unimportant. Just make sure you know what you are getting into.
 
One of my daughters married an unbaptized non-believer. She got a dispensation and was married in the Church. So it can be done.

But I have seen the ways it makes life difficult for her. I understand why the ideal is to marry a Catholic.
 
Whoa. Did I misunderstand or did you ask if you can receive the sacrament of marriage without him?

Yes, you can receive dispensations, etc. but you can’t get married without having your spouse-to-be be there. :confused:

If your faith is that important to you that you’d consider receiving the sacrament without him, and if he’s so dead set against Catholicism/religion…I’m not one to discourage inter-faith marriage…but I think you’d better re-think this whole thing.

How old are you?
 
I meant it in the sense…can I still receive the sacrament w/o him having to convert or anything? not without him being there lol…I am almost 28…he is 30. (what that has to do with it, I don’t get) we have been together for 10 years. so I know that we will have a successful marriage but it was just a question for myself if I could receive the sacrament
 
Chrissy306 said:
I meant it in the sense…can I still receive the sacrament w/o him having to convert or anything? not without him being there lol…I am almost 28…he is 30. (what that has to do with it, I don’t get) we have been together for 10 years. so I know that we will have a successful marriage but it was just a question for myself if I could receive the sacrament
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Hi Crissy,

I don’t think he needs to do anything. Here’s an internet resource on the question:

askacatholic.com/_webpostings/answers/2013_01JAN/2013JanWhatAreTheRequirementsAnd.cfm

It seems to confirm what everyone here is saying. Namely, talk to your priest to get the process started. You would probably want to find out how long the process takes to help with the wedding plans.
 
“I am almost 28…he is 30. (what that has to do with it, I don’t get)”

The poster probably wondered whether you were a reeeeally young bride, which would make a difference to the advice given. You never know how old people are on the internet.

Do you want to go to Mass with your kids by yourself for the next decade or two? It’s a pain.
 
It is something I am used to…he would drive me to church but never come in. So if I have to do that with my children, I am prepared to. I just don’t want to have to explain god (which is a hassle alone) and then have them go to their father and him tell them its bs. :rolleyes:
 
Chrissy306 said:
Religion has never really been an issue before between us, I kept to my own business about it.**.i mean he always complains when I have to drag him to family church gatherings…**but I have managed to convince him my child NEEDS to be baptized or my mother would kidnap it and do it herself lol…so I just want to know if I can still receive the sacrament of marriage w/o him?
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So you have been living out your Catholic faith alone without him up to this point? If he is complaining now when you “drag” him to family church gatherings, what is going to happen when you bring Jesus into the home, by praying regularly with your children? Abstinence on Fridays? Holy Days of Obligation. Contraception etc? Do you regularly say grace when you eat with him now even if he doesn’t? How does/would he react? It is about providing a good solid Catholic home for your children and yourself. What about all of the other Sacraments? Would he support that? Children learn by watching too. Wouldn’t it be confusing for them if Daddy obviously has to be dragged? I can imagine that it would be more difficult for you. I think that a visit to your priest might be a good idea. The marriage prep with him if you decide to continue might be an eye opener. Will your fiance go along with marriage prep from a priest?
 
After all of the suggestions here…I believe the best bet for me is to talk to my monsignor and see what he has to say about all of this. I thank all of you for your comments. I am hoping that my catholic lifestyle will be easy to teach my children without their father saying something against what I said. I know it will be tough, but it is a rough road that I am willing to make to teach my children the right way. Again, thank all of you. God bless you and if anyone feels the need to privately message me on the subject than of course, feel free. 🙂
 
Chrissy306 said:
It is something I am used to…he would drive me to church but never come in. So if I have to do that with my children, I am prepared to. I just don’t want to have to explain god (which is a hassle alone) and then have them go to their father and him tell them its bs. :rolleyes:
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Can it be done? Yes.

Is it recommended? No

Why? Because of the very reason you stated.

If you plan to marry someone that doesn’t have a faith. If he isn’t Catholic or a Christian, there are many things you will have to talk about and decisions that you have hammer out BEFORE you get married.

Please don’t simply assume that you will have a successful marriage.
 
Chrissy306 said:
I meant it in the sense…can I still receive the sacrament w/o him having to convert or anything? not without him being there lol…I am almost 28…he is 30. (what that has to do with it, I don’t get) we have been together for 10 years. so I know that we will have a successful marriage but it was just a question for myself if I could receive the sacrament
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As another poster touched on, a disparity of cult marriage, assuming the appropriate approval is granted, is a valid marriage and recognised by the Church. It is not, however, sacramental.

So you can marry within the Church, and the Church recognises your marriage. But it is not considered a sacrament unless you are both baptised.

Actually, you haven’t clarified. Is your fiance baptised or not? This makes a very big difference!
 
no… he was not baptized… his mother is actually jewish. His father was born Italian catholic but he converted to marry my fiancé’s mother…and he is a complete atheist. It’s sad, really.
 
What kind of impact would it have on children to see their dad kneel in church? Stand in line to go to confession? Shut off the tv and hold a rosary in his hand? He can kneel at bedtime and pray with them, and kneel to pray when trouble comes, and it will come. I’ve been married 24 years and in tough times we’ve seen the hand of God intervene in amazing ways. My husband rides the bus to work every day and does a daily rosary and reads scripture with that time. We’ve said many times over the years that God is in our midst. The husband and father of the home have the role of being the spiritual head of the household, and your fiance cannot be this for you or your children. Can you appreciate what you are willing to give up? You are building your house on a sandy foundation. God is real and your choices today on your life partner will impact your children and grandchildren. May wisdom and the Holy Spirit guide you over this next year.
 
Chrissy306 said:
no… he was not baptized… his mother is actually jewish. His father was born Italian catholic but he converted to marry my fiancé’s mother…and he is a complete atheist. It’s sad, really.
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Thanks for clarifying.

In that case, you are exploring a disparity of cult marriage, which would be valid (if dispensation is received) but not sacramental. You can discuss what is involved with your priest.

Given that your fiance’s father converted for the sake of marriage, your fiance may be quite sympathetic to your wishes here. This must be weighed of course against the advice offered by other posters regarding the difficulties that such marriages face.
 
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