Marriage question..need HELP

[Xantippe]

About going to church alone with children–I don’t think you appreciate yet what it’s like to take small, squirmy, noisy kids to church by yourself. It’s not at all simply not having your husband there for moral support–there’s also the practical issue of having help with the children in case one or more need to be taken out to the cry room or to the potty or to have a diaper changed. Also, older children are going to want to know, why do I have to go to church if dad isn’t going? You’d better have an answer ready for that one.

You are giving up so much, and I don’t think you understand yet how high the price is going to be.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Can it be done? Yes.

Is it recommended? No

Why? Because of the very reason you stated.

If you plan to marry someone that doesn’t have a faith. If he isn’t Catholic or a Christian, there are many things you will have to talk about and decisions that you have hammer out BEFORE you get married.

Please don’t simply assume that you will have a successful marriage.

^ this!

Marriage can be difficult even if you are of the same faith, I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it could be when you are of different faiths.

OP, you said that you told him that your kids had to be baptized because of your mom. I’m going to tell you right now that if you are going to use that excuse every time, he will get annoyed and tired of it. Real quick like. If you decide to actually marry this guy, you need to grow a backbone. You need to tell him why the Sacraments are important. You can’t place the blame on your poor mom all the time.

 

[stephe1987]

In order for the marriage to be sacramental, your fiance would have to be baptized.

You are in for a very difficult marriage, and the chances of your children staying in the faith are very slim if their father is an atheist. The dad is the spiritual leader of the household, and kids are more likely to stay in the faith if the mother is the nonreligious and the father is religious. Kids will grow up wondering why dad doesn’t go to Mass, why he doesn’t believe in God, etc.

Also, do not assume that just because you’ve been together for 10 years that your marriage will work out. In fact, couples that date for more than a few years tend to have higher divorce rates, just like the couples who got married after not knowing each other for very long. Sort of like a bell curve. I’m not saying it won’t work out, but chances are not as good as one might think. Couples who marry in less than a year don’t know each other very well and that can be problematic if they find out their personalities really don’t match past the honeymoon phase. Couples who have been together a long time are too comfortable being single together, together but not really committed. So once a commitment takes place, a lot of times they flip out because they are not used to change in their relationship. But marriage is about compromise and caring for the other person, about being other-centered. This time it’s till death do us part rather than I can leave if I get bored or find someone else. (Also, there is the issue of, why didn’t they get married sooner? Waiting for someone “better” to come along? Not sure if they’re right for you? If you’re not sure after 3 years IMO it’s time to move on. At least get engaged if you’re in school or something and can’t get married right away.)

 

[DAML72]

I meant it in the sense…can I still receive the sacrament w/o him having to convert or anything? not without him being there lol…I am almost 28…he is 30. (what that has to do with it, I don’t get) we have been together for 10 years. so I know that we will have a successful marriage but it was just a question for myself if I could receive the sacrament

I was with my non-believing spouse for 8 years before we were married. I thought that we had been through everything and would last forever. The marriage lasted 6 years - he left a week before our second child’s first birthday. Now, he is also a narcissistic personality, and an emotional abuser, but even without that element, our disparate views on spirituality were very difficult. What you should understand is that often we don’t stay stagnant in our spiritual/religious views. What is not important to you today, may be extremely important in 10 years. When I went through a time of spiritual desolation, my husband was not able to relate to me at all. And let me tell you - taking your children to church alone, without the support of the other parent is not only a challenge, but it can be kind of heartbreaking when you are sitting in the pew among other families - consisting of a mother AND a father.

Just a few things to chew on.

 

[maryjk]

I was with my non-believing spouse for 8 years before we were married. I thought that we had been through everything and would last forever. The marriage lasted 6 years - he left a week before our second child’s first birthday. Now, he is also a narcissistic personality, and an emotional abuser, but even without that element, our disparate views on spirituality were very difficult. **What you should understand is that often we don’t stay stagnant in our spiritual/religious views. What is not important to you today, may be extremely important in 10 years. ** When I went through a time of spiritual desolation, my husband was not able to relate to me at all. And let me tell you - taking your children to church alone, without the support of the other parent is not only a challenge, but it can be kind of heartbreaking when you are sitting in the pew among other families - consisting of a mother AND a father.

Just a few things to chew on.

This ^^^^^^^

When I met my husband, I wasn’t attending church. Not any church.

I lived with my husband to be. For almost two years. We were married at a court house. I was Catholic in name only.

When our son was born, it was important to me to have him Baptized. At that point I started taking our son to Mass, sometimes, when it suited me. When he was 6 - 7 I started taking him to Mass every Sunday, having him attend Sunday School. Heck I started teaching Sunday School.

Yes, you read that right. I was teaching Sunday School and I hadn’t been married in the Church.

So, I fixed that and we got married in the Church.

Now? I am full-fledged Catholic. I attend Mass every Sunday and Holy Day. I work at our Parish. I practice NFP. And the list goes on.

In other words, I am NOT the woman my husband married.

I have a wonderful marriage. My husband is fully supportive of me and my beliefs. He doesn’t whine when I say we should attend a church function. He doesn’t complain when Christmas falls on a Saturday and Mass is two days in a row. And he NEVER tells our son that God is “bs.”

But my marriage is the exception. My husband is a one of a kind gem.

OP, if your boyfriend is already complaining, then you will have problems.

 

[DAML72]

It is something I am used to…he would drive me to church but never come in. So if I have to do that with my children, I am prepared to. I just don’t want to have to explain god (which is a hassle alone) and then have them go to their father and him tell them its bs.

Yes, that is hard. It’s another thing I never expected from my ex. We discussed it before we were married. He said he wasn’t a believer, but he would support the kids being brought up with faith. He stood at their Baptisms and pledged to raise them Christian. That went out the window - completely. He is indoctrinating the kids in atheism and refers to my conversion to the Catholic faith an ‘experiment’ - and tells them he doesn’t understand why I need to involve them in it.

 

[PennyinCanada]

no… he was not baptized… his mother is actually jewish. His father was born Italian catholic but he converted to marry my fiancé’s mother…and he is a complete atheist. It’s sad, really.

So you have this example of how that turned out. Your fiance’s faith and heritage means nothing to him. Now, it’s your turn to decide how much your faith really means to you and your children and grandchildren.

Did you know scripture in the New Testament says not to yolk yourself to an unbeliever?

 

[IndyFaith]

I married a non-catholic who is a great person. Fortunately, we were able to marry in my local church and I signed a document attesting to the fact I was marrying a non-catholic. The church strongly recommended we attend premarital meetings which we did. During that time, we took a questionnaire that asked deep rooted core questions about raising kids, etc. It became an eye opening experience which later served us well as we now have two children. Nonetheless, after about 7 years of marriage, she came to me and said she was thinking about becoming catholic (I never mentioned RCIA). She converted and we now attend mass on regular basis. I have been blessed and I pray the same for you. Take care and God Bless.