Marriage question

[SpeakKindly]

I recently got married, we had our vows told to us (the priest says the words and you repeat them), I knew what I was doing and wanted to get married, but when I was repeating the vows I was more focused on what I was supposed to say than what I was actually saying (like a robot). Does this make a difference on the validity of my vows? I knew basically what they were and my intention wasn’t to not mean them, so I don’t feel I was being dishonest with what the vows are.

Also, I had some stupid fears/doubts pop up out of no where during the ceremony, more so about not screwing things up, which I believe is just my insecurities. Like “How do I know I want to do this, could X ever happen and change things?” or something, less of a real question and more of a testing myself. I tend to ask myself questions out of fear/insecurity that I know the answer to, but I just want reassurance that I can provide said answer. I’m not sure how to articulate this, but … basically it’s what I’m doing by making this thread too … lol I just want to get my thoughts in order.

Should I be concerned?

 

[underacloud]

No, you shouldn’t be concerned.

If you have concerns, a conversation with the priest who married you should set you straight.

But I have no idea what this means:

I was more focused on what I was supposed to say than what I was actually saying

Isn’t what you were “supposed to say” the same as what you were actually saying?

 

[SpeakKindly]

No, you shouldn’t be concerned.

If you have concerns, a conversation with the priest who married you should set you straight.

But I have no idea what this means:

Isn’t what you were “supposed to say” the same as what you were actually saying?

Well, yeah…but like if I tell you to recite a poem and you do it by reciting what I say, then you’re focusing on the words I’m telling you rather than what you’re saying. Of course, I was taught in marriage prep what the requirements for marriage were, we read the vows prior when we decided we wanted to recite them instead of trying to go from memory, so I knew what I was doing, but at the time of saying them it kinda was sudden, little time to reflect on the words.

 

[underacloud]

Well, yeah…but like if I tell you to recite a poem and you do it by reciting what I say, then you’re focusing on the words I’m telling you rather than what you’re saying.

But again, they’re the same words.

The reason to recite them is to get them correct. We don’t make up our own vows as Catholics - we adhere to vows set by the Church, so we can be sure of the correct form of our marriage. By reciting what the priest has said, you have ensured this correct form.

I was taught in marriage prep what the requirements for marriage were, we read the vows prior when we decided we wanted to recite them instead of trying to go from memory, so I knew what I was doing, but at the time of saying them it kinda was sudden, little time to reflect on the words.

The time to reflect on the words is beforehand.

You agreed with the words and expressed them properly. There is nothing wrong with what you did.

You sounds a little bit scrupulous I think. Looking for problems that aren’t there.

 

[ClearWater]

I recently got married, we had our vows told to us (the priest says the words and you repeat them), I knew what I was doing and wanted to get married, but when I was repeating the vows I was more focused on what I was supposed to say than what I was actually saying (like a robot). Does this make a difference on the validity of my vows? I knew basically what they were and my intention wasn’t to not mean them, so I don’t feel I was being dishonest with what the vows are.

Also, I had some stupid fears/doubts pop up out of no where during the ceremony, more so about not screwing things up, which I believe is just my insecurities. Like “How do I know I want to do this, could X ever happen and change things?” or something, less of a real question and more of a testing myself. I tend to ask myself questions out of fear/insecurity that I know the answer to, but I just want reassurance that I can provide said answer. I’m not sure how to articulate this, but … basically it’s what I’m doing by making this thread too … lol I just want to get my thoughts in order.

Should I be concerned?

I think you went in knowing what you meant, that you were committing to eachother for life. It’d be normal under those circumstances to be focused on repeating the words, being nervous, wanting to get it right.

No, that doesn’t affect the validity. You’re married in the Church.

What’s important now is just to live the vows, and that’s how you can tell you meant every word you said then.

Live it…for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health to death do you part. If you do that, it’s all anyone can ever ask.

 

[ClearWater]

I once heard a story of a lady whose husband was in court. He was all flustered, and he couldn’t remember the date of his anniversary, and his wife said something like, “That’s all right, honey, as long as you remember you’re married!”

 

[lit_lover88]

I think the OP was trying to say that they were more focused on repeating the words that the priest was saying than focusing and putting all their energy in the meaning of the words. However I agree that since the OP read the vows before hand and had a chance to reflect on them puts them in the all clear.

 

[Catholicdeacon]

I recently got married, we had our vows told to us (the priest says the words and you repeat them), I knew what I was doing and wanted to get married, but when I was repeating the vows I was more focused on what I was supposed to say than what I was actually saying (like a robot). Does this make a difference on the validity of my vows? I knew basically what they were and my intention wasn’t to not mean them, so I don’t feel I was being dishonest with what the vows are.

Also, I had some stupid fears/doubts pop up out of no where during the ceremony, more so about not screwing things up, which I believe is just my insecurities. Like “How do I know I want to do this, could X ever happen and change things?” or something, less of a real question and more of a testing myself. I tend to ask myself questions out of fear/insecurity that I know the answer to, but I just want reassurance that I can provide said answer. I’m not sure how to articulate this, but … basically it’s what I’m doing by making this thread too … lol I just want to get my thoughts in order.

Should I be concerned?

Unless you or your groom were intoxicated (either by alcohol or drugs) I see no problem with your ceremony. What is important is your intention and your willingness to freely make a public statement of this intention. The manner in which you do this is not important.

“Viva Cristo Rey!!”
Deacon Harbey Santiago
Divorce Tribunal Advocate
Archdiocese of Baltimore.

 

[dans0622]

I recently got married, we had our vows told to us (the priest says the words and you repeat them), I knew what I was doing and wanted to get married, but when I was repeating the vows I was more focused on what I was supposed to say than what I was actually saying (like a robot). Does this make a difference on the validity of my vows? I knew basically what they were and my intention wasn’t to not mean them, so I don’t feel I was being dishonest with what the vows are. …

Should I be concerned?

Hello,

I remember asking the same sort of question in canon law school.

Here’s an academic answer for you. You are providing a real-world distinction between what is called an actual intention and a virtual intention.

An actual intention is that which is, as the name suggests, actually present when a person performs the corresponding act. When I am hammering a nail and I miss, hitting my thumb, I then am going to refocus myself and, with the next swing of the hammer, have an actual intention of hitting the nail.

A virtual intention is the result of a past, actual intention which has now passed out of existence. This intention is still sufficient to make a person carry out the corresponding act but it is not “actually” present at the time. I tell someone “I’m going outside to hammer that loose nail back into the deck.” That intention causes my subsequent action. When I am hammering that nail, I can get distracted by whatever else is going on–let’s say there is a bug flying around. I can still hammer the nail, even though I am not concentrating on that act. When I hit my thumb, though, I’ll forget about the bug and make another actual intention, and act on it.

In marriage, it is understood that a virtual intention is sufficient. At least once, you had an actual intention: “I will to marry you.” You then prepared for that event and expressed your consent publicly. Even though you may not have had an actual intention as you were saying the words, you had (at least) a virtual intention. That is why you were standing there, saying the words.

Everything is fine.

Dan

 

[ClearWater]

Hello,

I remember asking the same sort of question in canon law school.

Here’s an academic answer for you. You are providing a real-world distinction between what is called an actual intention and a virtual intention.

An actual intention is that which is, as the name suggests, actually present when a person performs the corresponding act. When I am hammering a nail and I miss, hitting my thumb, I then am going to refocus myself and, with the next swing of the hammer, have an actual intention of hitting the nail.

A virtual intention is the result of a past, actual intention which has now passed out of existence. This intention is still sufficient to make a person carry out the corresponding act but it is not “actually” present at the time. I tell someone “I’m going outside to hammer that loose nail back into the deck.” That intention causes my subsequent action. When I am hammering that nail, I can get distracted by whatever else is going on–let’s say there is a bug flying around. I can still hammer the nail, even though I am not concentrating on that act. When I hit my thumb, though, I’ll forget about the bug and make another actual intention, and act on it.

In marriage, it is understood that a virtual intention is sufficient. At least once, you had an actual intention: “I will to marry you.” You then prepared for that event and expressed your consent publicly. Even though you may not have had an actual intention as you were saying the words, you had (at least) a virtual intention. That is why you were standing there, saying the words.

Everything is fine.

Dan

Agreed!

 

[ClearWater]

It’s also a little hard when we are in a different situation, say the focus of all attention, all eyes on us, in a public event, not to get nervous.

Public speaking is what gets a lot of people nervous and flustered. Even people with a lot of experience can still get nervous at being “in the lime light”.

I had a really hard time speaking in groups, doing group presentations. I would even freeze up.

There are all kinds of ways people work on this, to help with the nerves. I have heard of some people who are so unnerved by public speaking, that they won’t even look at the people, instead over their heads!

I took one class on public speaking, and even for us to just introduce someone in front of everyone, could be hard for some of us.

We did exercises, and I notice the teacher treated public speaking as if it were a phobia!

Well, it is! He came in the first day and gave the statistics on our greatest fears. Often, even over our fear of death, is our fear of speaking in front of others, in public.

A lot of us aren’t used to it. It’s not something most of us do everyday.

I was once in a university chorus, briefly, and the teacher would try to get us over our fears of singing in front of others. Once, he had us each take a turn at singing, solo, facing the others. One in the group actually broke down crying, had a lot of trouble with that.

Due to nerves alone, one would probably be really focused on just saying everything right, may not be as focused on the other details.

When one gets married, there are all kinds of details…is it going to rain? If it does, do we move the reception? So and so is late. What about the cake?

I knew someone who said BOTH his sisters cried on their wedding days, and it was due to things not going as scheduled, the stress of it all, trying to get it to come together perfectly.

Some of us are okay being the center of attention. Others of us have to work at that, are probably more introverted. For the more introverted, even speaking in public, however briefly, is not at all easy.

Weddings are high on the stress index, even though it is generally a positive change. It’s still so much change, adjustment and stress.

Everything’s fine. You’re good, and can relax, now. Enjoy your married life! Best wishes to you both!

 

[High_flyer]

At our wedding, the priest pointed to vows on a different page to read out and they were different vows than we had been given to practice with a few days before! We just went with it. We were able to joke about it with him as he was my wife’s uncle!

 

[XwhY]

Underacloud said it best. You took a HUGE step. Going on autopilot during the vows is not a bad thing.