Marriage Question

[Beofuse]

History:

I was born and raised a Catholic. Starting in college I lost my faith and fell from the Church and it’s teachings. In 2001 I was married to a born again christian by a Baptist minister. My wife was baptized Catholic as an infant but did receive the other sacraments.

When we got married I understood that my wife didn’t want to have children and I was ambivalent about kids myself.

My wife attended a nondenominational church throughout our marriage but I only went sporadically since my faith was lacking. My wife and our protestant friends prayed for me to find my faith. In December of 2006 I decided I wanted Jesus back in my life and recomitted my life to him. I started going to my wife’s Church, reading the Bible and praying. About 2 months ago I felt this calling from God to come back to the Catholic Church. I started going mass, went to confession, and started researching more about the Church’s teachings.

I told my wife that I was going back to the Catholic church and she was fine with that but stated she was not going to the Catholic church. My wife was previously married outside the Catholic church and divorced. I believe in all the teachings of the Church and would like to follow them

Questions:

Am I considered to be an alduterer since I married a divorced woman?

What should I do if my wife does not want to have children and I feel that having children is part of the marriage vocation?

I’m very confused since my wife is a wonderful person and was instrumental in helping me find my faith after many years of being lost but I do want to follow the Church’s teachings.

 

[ltbpoe43]

First of all welcome back. Many lost lambs have found there way home to the Good Shepherd.

You may want to speak to a priest and/or your local RCIA director at the church you are attending. There are a lot of factors involved in your question and facts need to be flushed out for an answer. Your priest or RCIA director can guide you. Don’t be afraid to approach them and talk to them about it.

God’ plan will unfold for you and be revealed through your quest to return to the Church. Welcome, welcome, welcome home brother.

 

[dylanschrader]

You should talk to a priest in your parish so that you can explain your situation to him.

Based on my understanding of your situation, a few things should be kept in mind:

1. You and your wife are both considered Catholic by the Catholic Church.
2. Therefore, any marriages which either of you attempted outside of the Catholic Church are invalid (Canon 1108).

Can. 1108 §1. Only those marriages are valid which are contracted before the local ordinary, pastor, or a priest or deacon delegated by either of them, who assist, and before two witnesses according to the rules expressed in the following canons and without prejudice to the exceptions mentioned in cann. ⇒ 144, ⇒ 1112, §1, ⇒ 1116, and ⇒ 1127, §§1-2.

1. Even though your wife’s first marriage was invalid, you cannot be married to her in the Catholic Church until this is proven by an ecclesiastical tribunal (i.e., until your wife’s first marriage receives a decree of nullity) (Canon 1085).

Can. 1085 §1. A person bound by the bond of a prior marriage, even if it was not consummated, invalidly attempts marriage.

§2. Even if the prior marriage is invalid or dissolved for any reason, it is not on that account permitted to contract another before the nullity or dissolution of the prior marriage is established legitimately and certainly.

1. In the meantime, you may receive the sacraments (including Holy Communion) under the condition that you go to confession and refrain from sexual relations until such time as you are married in the Catholic Church (LETTER TO THE BISHOPS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH CONCERNING THE RECEPTION OF HOLY COMMUNION BY THE DIVORCED AND REMARRIED MEMBERS OF THE FAITHFUL)

The faithful who persist in such a situation may receive Holy Communion only after obtaining sacramental absolution, which may be given only “to those who, repenting of having broken the sign of the Covenant and of fidelity to Christ, are sincerely ready to undertake a way of life that is no longer in contradiction to the indissolubility of marriage. This means, in practice, that when for serious reasons, for example, for the children’s upbringing, a man and a woman cannot satisfy the obligation to separate, they ‘take on themselves the duty to live in complete continence, that is, by abstinence from the acts proper to married couples’”(8). In such a case they may receive Holy Communion as long as they respect the obligation to avoid giving scandal.

 

[blessedtoo]

Many Parishes have a “Welcome Home” ministry which is geared specifically for questions like yours. When I returned to the Church, I met with the Coordinator of this program and was able to ask all the questions I had about marital status, liturgy changes, sacramental issues, etc. They can guide you through the process.

 

[Beofuse]

Thanks for (name removed by moderator)ut.

I have another question. What if the Church allows my wife and I to renew my vows in the Catholic church but my wife still refuses to have children? I believe in the sacraments and it would be very hard to fufill the vocation of marriage without kids(or at least trying since I know some can’t have children due to physical issues)

I ask these questions since I have his crazy calling to be a priest, jesuit, or some order of the Church.

I can accept my marriage as a vocation but my wife sees no problem with our current situation. I love my wife and have been faithful to her so my emotions concerning my life purpose is very unsettling.

Anyways it feels good to write down my thoughts and feeling even though there is no quick, easy solution. One thing I’m sure about is that my true home is Jesus and his Church

I will talk to my Parish priest about the next step as regards to my marriage and God’s plan for my life.

 

[bilop]

Thanks for (name removed by moderator)ut.

I have another question. What if the Church allows my wife and I to renew my vows in the Catholic church but my wife still refuses to have children? I believe in the sacraments and it would be very hard to fufill the vocation of marriage without kids(or at least trying since I know some can’t have children due to physical issues)

I ask these questions since I have his crazy calling to be a priest, jesuit, or some order of the Church.

I can accept my marriage as a vocation but my wife sees no problem with our current situation. I love my wife and have been faithful to her so my emotions concerning my life purpose is very unsettling.

Anyways it feels good to write down my thoughts and feeling even though there is no quick, easy solution. One thing I’m sure about is that my true home is Jesus and his Church

I will talk to my Parish priest about the next step as regards to my marriage and God’s plan for my life.

You wouldn’t be renewing you vows, you would be marrying for the first time. As previous posters said, since you both are Catholic, none of your previous marriages are likely to be valid in the eyes of the Church,

If your wife has a firm intention against children, any Catholic marriage you attempt could also be invalid. In her vows she would be lying when asked if she will accept children.

You are in a difficult situation. Do talk to a holy and orthodox priest about these issues and your potential calling.

May God Bless you.

 

[otjm]

You should talk to a priest in your parish so that you can explain your situation to him.

Based on my understanding of your situation, a few things should be kept in mind:

1. You and your wife are both considered Catholic by the Catholic Church.

Not necessarily. If one has officially renounced the Catholic faith, one is no longer bound by the same canonical laws. The background of both the OP and his wife would need to be investigated more closely to determine their status.

1. Therefore, any marriages which either of you attempted outside of the Catholic Church are invalid (Canon 1108).

See note above; this may be true but is not necessarily so. Therefore it is possible that the wife’s first marriage would be considered valid. That could easily hinge on how she left the Church.

1. Even though your wife’s first marriage was invalid, you cannot be married to her in the Catholic Church until this is proven by an ecclesiastical tribunal (i.e., until your wife’s first marriage receives a decree of nullity) (Canon 1085).

That is correct; again, depending on her status in the Church, the process may be the short one (lack of form) or long, if she is found to have formally renounced the Church.

 

[MilesXpisti]

Not necessarily. If one has officially renounced the Catholic faith, one is no longer bound by the same canonical laws. The background of both the OP and his wife would need to be investigated more closely to determine their status.

You are correct in this but of the many people I know that have fallen away from the faith, I know of none that formally repudiated the faith and fell into apostasy. Not a single one. I’ve found that, unless they are making a statement, those that no longer believe in the Church don’t bother to formally break from it.

 

[puzzleannie]

your marriage situation is complex and cannot be adequately addressed here. Since you are the one who has recognized that you as a Catholic are bound by the marriage laws of the Church, you are the one who should go to the priest today and find out what needs to be done. All the facts of the current marriage, all previous marriages, and baptismal status of all parties, must be presented, and the most organized complete way to do that is through the investigation questionnaire from the marriage tribunal.

Very likely your wife’s previous marriage was invalid for lack of form, since she is Catholic, and that can be resolved as a matter of submitted the proper paperwork. Your current marriage can then be convalidated, but you both need guidance for that, pastoral and practical.

Please see your priest today and get things moving so you can return to the fullness of grace in the sacraments. Welcome Home.

 

[dylanschrader]

Not necessarily. If one has officially renounced the Catholic faith, one is no longer bound by the same canonical laws. The background of both the OP and his wife would need to be investigated more closely to determine their status.

Formal defection from the Church is relatively rare, but you are correct. If she did formally defect from the Church, then it should be on record with her former diocese.

 

[Beofuse]

My wife did not formally reject the church. Her Mom was Catholic but her Dad was an atheist. The Dad went along with the baptism but that was basically it as far as the Church and faith being a part of the family life. My wife renewed her faith while in college but was upset that she could not be rebaptized in the Catholic Church. She has been a protestant ever since.

I was selfish and fell from the Church for many years. During this time I get married outside the Church and had no problems with not having children. (Note: My wife made it known that she did not want kids when we married. ) Through the grace of God I come back to the Church six years into the marriage.

Let’s say my wife gets an anullment for her first marriage and we renew our marriage vows in the Church but she refuses to at least try to have children.

So what is more important? My marriage or the Church?

Is my marriage doomed if it is not receiving the grace from the Sacrament.?

My marriage has been missing something from the beginning. I love my wife and she loves me but reading the catechism on matrimony has changed my views on marriage. It’s not just about loving eachother and having a good life together. My wife doesn’t subscribe to the catechism and believes it’s Ok to be married and not procreate.

And if I stay married how does this effect my standing in the Church and God’ eyes?

“Every one who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery” (Luke 16:18; cf. Mark 10:11–12).

Am I commiting adultery?

It’s amazing how your worldview changes when you accept Jesus and his Church. The Catechsim on marriage makes so much sense. To bad I didn’t take it seriously when I was younger.

 

[dylanschrader]

My wife did not formally reject the church. Her Mom was Catholic but her Dad was an atheist. The Dad went along with the baptism but that was basically it as far as the Church and faith being a part of the family life. My wife renewed her faith while in college but was upset that she could not be rebaptized in the Catholic Church. She has been a protestant ever since.

I was selfish and fell from the Church for many years. During this time I get married outside the Church and had no problems with not having children. (Note: My wife made it known that she did not want kids when we married. ) Through the grace of God I come back to the Church six years into the marriage.

Let’s say my wife gets an anullment for her first marriage and we renew our marriage vows in the Church but she refuses to at least try to have children.

So what is more important? My marriage or the Church?

The Church is more important, but the ideal would be for you to have both.

Is my marriage doomed if it is not receiving the grace from the Sacrament.?

As a baptized person, your marriage can only be sacramental. Either you will be validly married and your marriage will be a sacrament, or you will not be validly married.

My marriage has been missing something from the beginning. I love my wife and she loves me but reading the catechism on matrimony has changed my views on marriage. It’s not just about loving eachother and having a good life together. My wife doesn’t subscribe to the catechism and believes it’s Ok to be married and not procreate.

And if I stay married how does this effect my standing in the Church and God’ eyes?

According to my understanding of the situation, you are not in reality married to your wife right now.

Therefore, until such time as you can be married in the Catholic Church, you should go to confession and refrain from sexual relations.

To do otherwise is to commit either adultery or fornication (depending on the status of a decree of nullity regarding your wife’s first marriage).

Remember, Christ loves you! He established marriage as a sign of his love for the Church. Even though it will be very difficult, it will be worth it in the end to follow the Church’s teaching on this matter.

Talk with a priest and go to confession! Once you’re back in a right relationship with God, it will be easier to know and to do his will.

 

[Beofuse]

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

Reading other posts I think you are right. I did go to confession last Wednesday for the first time over 20 years and explained that I was not married in the Church. I did not tell the priest that she was a divorced woman. Anyway, I have been celibate since coming back to the church and will remain so until the marriage can be made sacramental and valid.

Appreciate the prayers and the helpful information.

 

[Riley259]

You should talk to a priest in your parish so that you can explain your situation to him.

Based on my understanding of your situation, a few things should be kept in mind:

1. You and your wife are both considered Catholic by the Catholic Church.
2. Therefore, any marriages which either of you attempted outside of the Catholic Church are invalid (Canon 1108).
3. Even though your wife’s first marriage was invalid, you cannot be married to her in the Catholic Church until this is proven by an ecclesiastical tribunal (i.e., until your wife’s first marriage receives a decree of nullity) (Canon 1085).
4. In the meantime, you may receive the sacraments (including Holy Communion) under the condition that you go to confession and refrain from sexual relations until such time as you are married in the Catholic Church (LETTER TO THE BISHOPS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH CONCERNING THE RECEPTION OF HOLY COMMUNION BY THE DIVORCED AND REMARRIED MEMBERS OF THE FAITHFUL)

Thanks for that letter to the bishops. This was my understanding also of what a couple needs to do who cannot separate (for good of children, etc) but who are not canonically marriage: abstinence.

 

[timotheos]

It’s amazing how your worldview changes when you accept Jesus and his Church. The Catechsim on marriage makes so much sense. To bad I didn’t take it seriously when I was younger.

Yeah, for you and me and probably about a few million others. I had 12 years of poor religious ed in Catholic school, replete with weak Catholic catechesis and formation. Then I married my then-nonpracticing-Catholic fiancee in the Catholic church because both our moms insisted. I was a self-proclaimed agnostic who cared nothing for the Church at the time. My apostacy went under the radar simply because the priest who married us didn’t ask us a single question. Unexplicably, pre-Cana was waived. He said, “Well you’re old enough to know what you’re getting into”. No kidding. In the following years my eyes were finally opened about true Catholicism, through EWTN, CA, et al., and I slowly began to see what a mine field the world had us led into (many details excluded). Persistence in sincere prayer, God’s grace, and our orthodox clergy and lay friends have helped us immensely.

Beofuse, there will be no easy solution, but please trust that God will help you and your wife through this. God knew eons ago what kind of struggles you would be facing at this very moment. I agree with the other posters to seek out a good priest for spiritual guidance, and share your new-found faith with your wife if you can.

Tim