Marriage refusal

[sarahj26]

I was 19 when my husband and I wanted to get married, my husband was 20 and he was in the service miles away. The priest I talked to refused to marry us at that time saying we had not known each other long enough and were too young and the divorce rate was high for our age. My husband and I did not refuse to not do anything that was asked of us…I just find this odd and have never brought it up. My husband and I got married civially 3 months after the Priest told me this and do not regret it, we practice NFP and have 5 children and another on the way. I was very disappointed how this was handled and wondered how anyone could refuse a sacrament if they agree to do everything asked based on age. We are still going strong 7 years later and I am very much involved in being a catholic. The Priest later told me he was wrong and will do a blessing which we are going to do after my husband gets home from deployment.

I just wondered if this is standard practice, refusing the Sacrament of Marriage to people who are young and seem like they are at high risk for divorce. Personally I know many people who were in their early 30’s got married years after knowing and living with each other, even having children together and were divorced 2 years later…

Thanks

 

[DallasCatholic]

I was 19 when my husband and I wanted to get married, my husband was 20 and he was in the service miles away. The priest I talked to refused to marry us at that time saying we had not known each other long enough and were too young and the divorce rate was high for our age. My husband and I did not refuse to not do anything that was asked of us…I just find this odd and have never brought it up. My husband and I got married civially 3 months after the Priest told me this and do not regret it, we practice NFP and have 5 children and another on the way. I was very disappointed how this was handled and wondered how anyone could refuse a sacrament if they agree to do everything asked based on age. We are still going strong 7 years later and I am very much involved in being a catholic. The Priest later told me he was wrong and will do a blessing which we are going to do after my husband gets home from deployment.

I just wondered if this is standard practice, refusing the Sacrament of Marriage to people who are young and seem like they are at high risk for divorce. Personally I know many people who were in their early 30’s got married years after knowing and living with each other, even having children together and were divorced 2 years later…

Thanks

Personally I think the Priest could have handled it better. Having married at a young age myself (20) and in a few months preparing to celebrate 24 years of marriage I can certainly understand your position. I can also understand the motives behind the Priest’s decision. I think one of the reasons there are so many divorces is that the gravity and permanent nature of marriage has been so devalued. Too many people think that they can just “opt out” of the marriage if things don’t go well. As you pointed out failed marriages can happen to anyone regardless of age, so refusing to confer the Sacrament based on age seems very facile. I hope you and your husband enjoy many, many years of marriage.

God Bless you.

 

[BlestOne]

Yes Sarah… And Welcome to CAF!!!

A priest that is discerning like this is worth his weight in gold! My pastor is the same way… imagine how I felt when he asked to speak to me and DH and asked IF and WHEN we were going to be married… then after a year and a half he asked us how long we had been married and commented that we were still “so much in love” Of course we were both much older and there is greater concern for divorce with couples marrying too young. Unfortunately in our society today, we baby our young adults and they have much growing to to at 19 and 20 yrs old.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

I was 19 when my husband and I wanted to get married, my husband was 20 and he was in the service miles away. The priest I talked to refused to marry us at that time saying we had not known each other long enough and were too young and the divorce rate was high for our age. My husband and I did not refuse to not do anything that was asked of us…I just find this odd and have never brought it up. My husband and I got married civially 3 months after the Priest told me this and do not regret it, we practice NFP and have 5 children and another on the way. I was very disappointed how this was handled and wondered how anyone could refuse a sacrament if they agree to do everything asked based on age. We are still going strong 7 years later and I am very much involved in being a catholic. The Priest later told me he was wrong and will do a blessing which we are going to do after my husband gets home from deployment.

I just wondered if this is standard practice, refusing the Sacrament of Marriage to people who are young and seem like they are at high risk for divorce. Personally I know many people who were in their early 30’s got married years after knowing and living with each other, even having children together and were divorced 2 years later…

Thanks

People that live together before marriage tend to have a higher divorce rate. It would not be unreasonable for a pastor to advise you to wait. But there should be more of an explanation.

 

[1ke]

Yes, that is the priest’s JOB.

He absolutely should interview the couple and determine whether they are ready for the Sacrament or if it should be delayed.

 

[az_4_faith]

Most diocese have a waiting period for the Sacrament of Matrimony, per the local Bishop’s instruction.

In the Diocese of Phoenix, couples must wait six months after notifying their priest about their intentions before they can be married, plus they need to take marriage preparation classes in the meantime (plus a couple of other hoops to jump through).

I’m not sure how or if exemptions to the above are granted.

Maybe your diocese has the same type of policy.

 

[DallasCatholic]

Most diocese have a waiting period for the Sacrament of Matrimony, per the local Bishop’s instruction.

In the Diocese of Phoenix, couples must wait six months after notifying their priest about their intentions before they can be married, plus they need to take marriage preparation classes in the meantime (plus a couple of other hoops to jump through).

I’m not sure how or if exemptions to the above are granted.

Maybe your diocese has the same type of policy.

A point of clarification…the OP stated that they were willing to go through whatever procedures were required but that the Priest just flat out refused to confer the Sacrament. So it is not a question of waiting six months or attending classes…it is a matter of refusing to confer the Sacrament.

 

[Chatter163]

I agree that the priest was being pastorally responsible and proactive. Would that all were that way. Not only was there an age issue, there were issues of time and separation, which are particularly acute where young people are involved.

 

[Phemie]

People that live together before marriage tend to have a higher divorce rate. It would not be unreasonable for a pastor to advise you to wait. But there should be more of an explanation.

What does that have to do with the OP’s situation? She said her fiancé was in the military miles away. After the priest refused to marry them they had a civil marriage. Frankly, if the OP is giving all the facts, it doesn’t sound as though the priest did much evaluation at all. Just decided that based on their age he wasn’t going to marry them.

 

[twf]

Am I missing something here? The priest didn’t appear to act prudently, but it is a mortal sin to marry outside the Church (without a dispensation from the bishop). Until such a marriage is convalidated by a priest it is invalid.

 

[Brother_John]

Am I missing something here? The priest didn’t appear to act prudently, but it is a mortal sin to marry outside the Church (without a dispensation from the bishop). Until such a marriage is convalidated by a priest it is invalid.

So, what are you supposed to do when you go to a priest and he refuses you? Does he have the authority to determine who may and may not marry based on his personal preferences?

 

[DallasCatholic]

So, what are you supposed to do when you go to a priest and he refuses you? Does he have the authority to determine who may and may not marry based on his personal preferences?

That is the issue here. The Priest should not make this determination without getting to know the couple…which according to the OP didn’t seem to happen. We have a right as Catholics to the Sacraments and while a Priest has the right to deny those Sacraments it is something that should only be done after careful consideration not as a snap judgement.

 

[lizaanne]

Yes, that is the priest’s JOB.

He absolutely should interview the couple and determine whether they are ready for the Sacrament or if it should be delayed.

I agree with this and will add that to do anything else could lead a couple into an invalid situation. Which would be completely irresponsible.

~Liza

 

[Cristiano]

So, what are you supposed to do when you go to a priest and he refuses you? Does he have the authority to determine who may and may not marry based on his personal preferences?

Yes the priest has the authority! You are not supposed to commit mortal sin. You can go to the priest and bug the heck out of him until he gives in as it says in the Gospel. If that does not work then go to the Bishop and bug the heck out of him. What if the priest were testing the couple to look at their reactions? What would be your reaction if you were to see to people choosing mortal sin over waiting?

This seem to me like some couples that go to a protestant churches to have their children baptized instead of making the time and effort to show that they are good Catholics willing to truly raise the children in the Catholic faith.

 

[CatholicCajun]

My husband was 17 and I was 18 and the Priest also refused to marry us, he insisted that it was because I was pregnant, which I was not and offered to get tested, then he had us do a family tree because he was sure we were related, I come from a small Cajun town we are ALL related and hubby and I are proud 9th cousins, he went on and on and then finally married us, after all the common objections, we just celebrated 31 years. As I have grown older and wiser, I guess I can see his hesitation, but not all teens get married because of pregnancy nor do all teen marriages fail.

 

[hasikelee]

I had a similar feeling during my wedding preparation. He seemed extremely hesitant, to the point where I wanted to “prove” myself by offering to do a pregnancy test or providing documents to show how long we had known each other. I felt I was being very badly judged by him.

Later on, things were not only patched up between us and the priest, but he also is now our parish pastor and a good friend.

So, he was talking about his prior behavior and it turned out since we had so many “answers” such as not using ABC, understanding Catholic teaching, not cohabitating, being together for a long time and being chaste, wanting to raise kids in the faith, attending Mass, etc, he thought we must be lying and making this stuff up just to get married.

I guess that is not a testament to you, or me, or any young person that wants to get married as being immature or bad. Rather, it shows us how poorly catechized others must be to make a priest “trigger happy” and suspicious.

 

[Walking_Home]

A point of clarification…the OP stated that they were willing to go through whatever procedures were required but that the Priest just flat out refused to confer the Sacrament. So it is not a question of waiting six months or attending classes…it is a matter of refusing to confer the Sacrament.

---

Could be – the priest based his decision on what he perceived was to be a lack of participation by the groom to be. The OP stated the groom was in the service miles away. Miles away could mean anything from across the state to across the country etc. — where his distance could cause an impediment to the priest – to get to know them and determine if they were in a good position to wed. If the groom was miles away – this could cause problems in his attendance of the marriage prep classes etc.

Quote=Sarahj26
I was 19 when my husband and I wanted to get married,** my husband was 20 and he was in the service miles away**.

 

[1ke]

So, what are you supposed to do when you go to a priest and he refuses you?

Obey your priest and continue to work with him.

Does he have the authority to determine who may and may not marry based on his personal preferences?

Yes, he does have the authority to determine this although not based on his "personal preferences’ but rather on Canon Law and pastoral judgment.

In a case where he is certain that the marriage would be invalid he CANNOT perform the marriage until such time as the impediment is removed.

 

[1ke]

What does that have to do with the OP’s situation?

The OP mentioned couples living together and then getting divorced. Bro Rich was commenting on that.

She said her fiancé was in the military miles away. After the priest refused to marry them they had a civil marriage. Frankly, if the OP is giving all the facts, it doesn’t sound as though the priest did much evaluation at all. Just decided that based on their age he wasn’t going to marry them.

We don’t know what evaluation the priest did, but again it is the priest’s responsibility to interview the couple, work with them pastorally, and determine whether there are impediments to a valid marriage. Perhaps he saw something.

Instead of working with the priest, the OP and her fiance instead jumped ahead and entered into an invalid marriage. I am glad they are now seeking to rectify the situation.

 

[Joannm]

In our diocese in the PNI, it states that if one of the two are 19 or under it should be carefully evaluated and maybe the couple should go to pre-nuptiul counseling. The priest was being prudent given the high divorce rate, especially among young couples. It is wonderful that you were able to proove him wrong but that is not hte case with all young couples