Marriage Reservations

[Calamint]

I wonder if anyone can help me decipher if my marriage reservations are something that is greatly concerning or not?

My fiancee by all accounts is a great guy, we are both Catholic and attend mass every Sunday and he is very generous and kind However!

He seems to be a little narcissistic at times with talking about himself, he seems to only want to talk about himself and when he’s not talking about that it is his job he’s talking about.

He is really wrapped up with his job. He has agreed to a traditional Catholic wedding as I wouldn’t marry him any other way but he fantasizes with the idea of getting married at the courthouse despite the fact that I told him such a marriage would be invalid (am I right?) The reason behind his fantasy is because he works somewhat with the judges at the courthouse and thinks it would be such a neat idea to get married by one of the judges that he is familiar with. This again, all goes back to his job which seems to always be the main focus in our relationship at any given time.

He lets his job determine his daily mood, he talks excessively about his job. The only time he truly seems animated and enthusiastic about anything is when he is talking about his job. Never other life situations, just the job.

We went to confession last week and he confessed his unbalanced mentality with his job but 3 days later he is back at it again.

I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure if I should marry someone so obsessed with their job like this?. Other than this, like I had written he is very kind and generous.

Help?

 

[heidi_storage]

I can’t advise you one way or the other, but I can tell you this: If you marry your fiance, do not expect him to change; do not be resentful that he is so devoted to his job; do not divorce him over this characteristic.

Can you picture several decades with this man, without expecting him to change? Another way to put it–are you finding yourself more or less irritated since you’ve noticed this characteristic? If this is something that you think might become a dealbreaker, then don’t marry him. If you find that you can make peace with his love for his job, then go ahead.

Now: some people do change, and your fiance might be able to let his work go, but it is very foolish to assume that this will happen. It’s really up to you to discern whether you can live with his flaws or not.

 

[1ke]

Yes, this to me is a show stopper. We all have different deal breakers, and this would definitely be one for me. You have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

Forever is a long time. Forever filled up with non-stop “me, me, me” and delusions of grandeur would get old fast.

Such a manner of speaking and relating to the world could also point to deeper issues. None of which bodes well for future relationships and raising of children.

You two should consider getting some premarital counseling to work through the issue. If you can’t work through it, you will have a difficult decision to make.

 

[agnes_therese]

I wonder if anyone can help me decipher if my marriage reservations are something that is greatly concerning or not?

My fiancee by all accounts is a great guy, we are both Catholic and attend mass every Sunday and he is very generous and kind However!

He seems to be a little narcissistic at times with talking about himself, he seems to only want to talk about himself and when he’s not talking about that it is his job he’s talking about.

He is really wrapped up with his job. He has agreed to a traditional Catholic wedding as I wouldn’t marry him any other way but he fantasizes with the idea of getting married at the courthouse despite the fact that I told him such a marriage would be invalid (am I right?) The reason behind his fantasy is because he works somewhat with the judges at the courthouse and thinks it would be such a neat idea to get married by one of the judges that he is familiar with. This again, all goes back to his job which seems to always be the main focus in our relationship at any given time.

He lets his job determine his daily mood, he talks excessively about his job. The only time he truly seems animated and enthusiastic about anything is when he is talking about his job. Never other life situations, just the job.

We went to confession last week and he confessed his unbalanced mentality with his job but 3 days later he is back at it again.

I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure if I should marry someone so obsessed with their job like this?. Other than this, like I had written he is very kind and generous.

Help?

You don’t say when the wedding is scheduled (or if it is yet), but if it’s anytime soon, I’d definitely postpone. Counseling has already been suggested. And if he won’t go, or it doesn’t change anything, you have to decide if you can spend the rest of your life taking second place to your husband’s job. And that’s not something to decide quickly.

 

[Rau]

I wonder if anyone can help me decipher if my marriage reservations are something that is greatly concerning or not?

My fiancee by all accounts is a great guy, we are both Catholic and attend mass every Sunday and he is very generous and kind However!

He seems to be a little narcissistic at times with talking about himself, he seems to only want to talk about himself and when he’s not talking about that it is his job he’s talking about.

He is really wrapped up with his job. He has agreed to a traditional Catholic wedding as I wouldn’t marry him any other way but he fantasizes with the idea of getting married at the courthouse despite the fact that I told him such a marriage would be invalid (am I right?) The reason behind his fantasy is because he works somewhat with the judges at the courthouse and thinks it would be such a neat idea to get married by one of the judges that he is familiar with. This again, all goes back to his job which seems to always be the main focus in our relationship at any given time.

He lets his job determine his daily mood, he talks excessively about his job. The only time he truly seems animated and enthusiastic about anything is when he is talking about his job. Never other life situations, just the job.

We went to confession last week and he confessed his unbalanced mentality with his job but 3 days later he is back at it again.

I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure if I should marry someone so obsessed with their job like this?. Other than this, like I had written he is very kind and generous.

Help?

How long were you seeing each other before becoming engaged?

You seem quite dispassionate and objective about this issue. Are you truly in love with this man, or have you had concerns for a while?

 

[Calamint]

You don’t say when the wedding is scheduled (or if it is yet), but if it’s anytime soon, I’d definitely postpone. Counseling has already been suggested. And if he won’t go, or it doesn’t change anything, you have to decide if you can spend the rest of your life taking second place to your husband’s job. And that’s not something to decide quickly.

As soon as my sacraments get delivered in the mail we were to set a meeting with the priest. We’ve already filled out the pre-investigation form.

Do you mean counseling with the priest?

 

[Catholic1954]

I wonder if anyone can help me decipher if my marriage reservations are something that is greatly concerning or not?

My fiancee by all accounts is a great guy, we are both Catholic and attend mass every Sunday and he is very generous and kind However!

He seems to be a little narcissistic at times with talking about himself, he seems to only want to talk about himself and when he’s not talking about that it is his job he’s talking about.

He is really wrapped up with his job. He has agreed to a traditional Catholic wedding as I wouldn’t marry him any other way but he fantasizes with the idea of getting married at the courthouse despite the fact that I told him such a marriage would be invalid (am I right?) The reason behind his fantasy is because he works somewhat with the judges at the courthouse and thinks it would be such a neat idea to get married by one of the judges that he is familiar with. This again, all goes back to his job which seems to always be the main focus in our relationship at any given time.

He lets his job determine his daily mood, he talks excessively about his job. The only time he truly seems animated and enthusiastic about anything is when he is talking about his job. Never other life situations, just the job.

We went to confession last week and he confessed his unbalanced mentality with his job but 3 days later he is back at it again.

I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure if I should marry someone so obsessed with their job like this?. Other than this, like I had written he is very kind and generous.

Help?

It sounds like you will be married to the job more that him. If that is ok with you, UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART, then go ahead with the wedding. Just consider, if he ever has to choose between you and the job, the job will probably win.

 

[Calamint]

How long were you seeing each other before becoming engaged?

You seem quite dispassionate and objective about this issue. Are you truly in love with this man, or have you had concerns for a while?

One year.

I guess I sort of set aside my concern until recently. To be fair, he was the one that brought up his work related unbalance within the last week and acknowledged that he has a problem to me. He confessed this problem to the priest and told me about it. It made me scrutinize the situation a little more.

I don’t mean to be critical of him, I’d just like to somehow solve this problem. Some wives can’t even get their husbands to work or hold jobs altogether so perhaps I should be thankful that he’s so enthusiastic about his work. It’s just a little obsessive. He is good in every other aspect expect for this work obsession and his tendency to only be interested in talking about himself and his job. I don’t mean to say his a full on narcissist, although I’m not qualified to make that kind of medical diagnosis.

 

[Calamint]

Yes, this to me is a show stopper. We all have different deal breakers, and this would definitely be one for me. You have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

Forever is a long time. Forever filled up with non-stop “me, me, me” and delusions of grandeur would get old fast.

Such a manner of speaking and relating to the world could also point to deeper issues. None of which bodes well for future relationships and raising of children.

You two should consider getting some premarital counseling to work through the issue. If you can’t work through it, you will have a difficult decision to make.

I’ve taken your post into deep consideration. Thank you!

 

[mariemargaret]

I agree with the previous suggestions. If this trait is bothering you, I would strongly recommend exploring it more deeply with him. It is great, by the way, that you have been able to identify this as a problem at this point!

Does he know that this bothers you? It’s hard to bring up this sort of thing, but this is something that you (and he) will need to do over and over again in your marriage. This would be a really great opportunity to see how he responds to your concern.

 

[Xantippe]

What everybody has said about this being a red flag is true, but it’s actually a great sign that he sees that there is a problem and is willing to go to confession about it.

You guys should probably work on this in counseling. These issues go well beyond the parameters of the usual marriage preparation course.

If his talk his 50% him and 50% work, that’s a huge problem long-term. He needs to be able to grow as a person and have a life outside of his work. For one thing, if work is everything to him, and then he loses his job or becomes disabled or lives long enough to retire, then what? There needs to be more to a person than just his job.

What do you guys have in common, beside your desire for a family and your shared faith? That’s a really good start, but in what other ways are you compatible? How well do you fight and resolve disagreements?

 

[schaeffer]

I echo what others have said above, don’t expect it to change.

If it’s hard on you now, and you would be “tolerating” the situation at best, do you want to live your life that way.

Don’t even expect it to change when children enter the picture.

I think it’s fine to pursue counseling, but I would postpone the marriage for a LONG time to see if he actually does make a lasting change. If his nature is that he gets most of his identity or fulfillment from his work it may not be possible for him to change.

It’s nice that he recognizes it’s an issue, but recognizing it isn’t enough.

I and my children lived that life.

He was out of touch with the children, they are grown now and have a mixed relationship with him but feel rather disconnected, things are very bad between him and our daughter. He divorced me and is now with (drum roll) a woman he met at work.

I am not saying that would necessarily happen to your marriage. But I strongly advise you proceed with caution.

If it’s a problem now, and causing you these reservations I would go with your gut, it’s speaking to you for a reason.

 

[LongingSoul]

One year.

I guess I sort of set aside my concern until recently. To be fair, he was the one that brought up his work related unbalance within the last week and acknowledged that he has a problem to me. He confessed this problem to the priest and told me about it. It made me scrutinize the situation a little more.

.

The fact that he identified this problem himself and recognised it to be unhealthy enough to take to confession… is a really, really good sign that he is capable of self examination and remorse. He is not strictly a narcissist on that count. Someone who has that ability to look at themselves in this way is someone I would actually have a measure of trust in.