Marriage roles and abuse survivors

[Ana]

Thank you stbruno, you validated my previous point on the lack of resources available for survivors and their partners.

I followed a link to marriage builders, and on that site hit the link for “sex” as in problems in marriage. There were four sample letters to Dr. Harvey.

Three of them from woman complaining that they were not able to meet their husband’s sexual needs. Two of these three alluded to previous childhood sexual abuse, which he all but ignored in his reply and nonchalantly chalked it up to a low sex drive, (hormone replacement was his answer in one letter). Or relationship problems, fix the relationship = good sex.

One was from a husband who complained that his wife was “not there” while making love … could be a low sex drive but is also a VERY WELL KNOWN SYMPTOM of childhood sexual abuse called dissociation … hellooooo

My favorite was when he rhetorically asks himself a question. “Why don’t you have more interest in sex you may ask?” “Why should you is my answer.” “It’s like peanut butter, some like it some don’t.”

:banghead: :crying:

Or maybe as a child, you had peanut butter shoved up your nostrils, smeared across your face, and shoved in every possible orifice feeling smothered and wondering if you were going to die … so when your husband offers you some peanut butter you:
a)feel like you are going to pass out or throw up
b) have a flashback, and relive the excruciating pain peanut butter has caused you as if it is happening right now
c) are overcome with instant rage, that scares you because you want to KILL your husband who is daring to mention peanut butter to you
d)you want to kill yourself because you cannot escape the peanut butter
e)become someone else, one that uses peanut butter to control, who’s victim (husband) has no idea we are not making love, we are making HATE!!
f) become emotionally numb … peanut butter … schmeanut butter … I am not here … I am floating somewhere on the ceiling … oh there I am down there … eating peanut … blank …

Then of course if option “e” or “f” has occured and the sex act was actually commited, there is then the waves of self loathing and “I am so gross and disgusting” feelings to deal with and if it’s really bad, we have the oh so fun task of trying not to think of knives cause all I want to do is just one little cut … just one…

“What my son, you’d like some juice” … just one little cut … “sure sweetie, I’ve got a cookie” … I could hide … just one little cut … “Gotta do the laundry” … just one little cut … “gotta make dinner” … no one would ever know … “time for bed” …God would know …just one little cut …“don’t forget to say your prayers” … just one little cut …

cont.

 

[Ana]

Sorry,Dr. Harley, a little more than your magic wand can offer. Although to his credit, he does offer two sentences, (as an afterthought) to those who have an aversion to sex, in the way of relaxation techniques. Would probably be very helpful, if the survivor was not too bad off, and he should mention for the sake of the couple, that to move from one stage to another could take weeks. In the meantime the husband is going to have a hard enough time being celibate, without it being made more difficult by being aroused with no way to finish. I would want to know anyway.

Survivors may hide (consciously or subconciously) under a low sex drive label, but more often than not, it is that their sex drive has been thwarted and twisted, before it had a chance to develop the way it would have if left to it’s own, the way God intended.

This … to those who don’t know, is a very small inside look in the life of a survivor “in crisis” … and this does not even BEGIN to describe the house of horrors. I have only ever met one man, who even though he was not a survivor of SA, who when I met, thought to myself “he’s like one of us, he understands.” Captain Guy Gruter, a P.O.W. survivor of five years in Hanoi Hilton. You might have seen him on EWTN.

Typing is really lame, in the fact that my post sounds very bitter. I can assure you I am not. I am just trying to be truthful, because it needs to be told. Survivors and their partners, have unique needs that can not be umbrellad under other areas. No, drug addiction info, except to how it relates to our abuse is not going to be helpful. No, it is not low sex drive. No, a weekend rediscovering our spouse will not solve our problems either (although it might be fun .) We need help, there is none out there, except potentially spiritually harmful books, and having to discern our way through therapists, that completely leave our very deep spiritual wounds unaddressed!

Why, when there is help from the Church for homosexuals, those who have had abortions (and providers), divorcees, drug and alcohol abusers, those addicted to pornography, deliverance counseling, bereavement counseling, and so on … we don’t even have one little book, even a booklet, shoot… even a bookmark with a prayer?

I don’t mean to whine, but it’s hard enough to reach out for help in any circumstance, and especially in our case, but to reach out and be met with indifferance? It would hurt less from the world, than it does from our Mother, the Church.

 

[stbruno]

There is a good article in Catholic Digest’s Feb. 2005 issue about Managing the Upsand Downs of Marriage called It’s OK to struggle by Gregory K.Popcak whose website is www.exceptionalmarriages.com

In his article he also recommends a good resource for finding a competent Catholic counselor www.CatholicTherapists.com
as well as a couple of books, two written by him and one by John Gottman Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You can make Yours Last. Pray, Pray and continue to pray

 

[Ana]

These are books written from a Catholic perspective concerning survivors of sexual abuse and/or their partners?

Thank you, stbruno for your time and effort, perhaps you missed the title and haven’t read the thread?

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Ana:
BTDT=Been There, Done That. Someone who’s worn these shoes enough to have a clue about the dynamics involved, namely that the issues are not the “typical” things associated with poor communication skills, time management, or financial difficulties which are in turn the focus of most resources for troubled marriages in the line of things stbruno scratched up.

On potential site contents, I need to revisit everything on my list of resources (which I need to do anyway just to find the dead links) to trim it to just those net available resources avoiding morally questionable approaches or “solutions” for partners (I’ve never read most of the books and don’t plan to flood the small town library with ILL requests on this subject). The general list I helped develop is at twhj.com/allies.shtml, I was working under a pseudonym at the time. Stressing positive coping skills seems like a good idea from my seat.

[aside: The movie Therese was excellent, though a tear-jerker (not surprising if one has read the story of her life). Acting was good, so was the technical presentation. ]

 

[MaggieOH]

I have been reading over this thread and I have had experience with SA. However, the story of my marriage is not going along the same lines as I have seen described here. I have had a long and fruitful marriage that is entering into its 29th year (29th anniversay on Dec 18). I have not had the anxiety about being touched or in wanting marital relations with my husband. Also I have not revealed what happened to him. That was my decision.

It took more than 25 years for me to receive any form of counselling and in the end I was fortunate to have the support of my priests who gave me the name of a Catholic therapist.

The truth about my own situation is that it was not the sexual abuse that had left its mark psychologically upon me. The mark was left by the psychological and emotional abuse that I received at the hands of others, including family members. My real hang up is with females in authority.

The problem I have with therapists, and the reason that I did not know who to trust is that they come with their own baggage and ideas on the subject. As a result they do have the opportunity to make suggestions that will fill the head of the person seeking therapy. I continue to be wary of the psychologists and the like, and I will not go to a female therapist. I am very wary of any therapist who has ideas about the roles of the partner in a marriage. That kind of therapy can be very harmful.

My therapist helped me with some good books for reading. He introduced me to the writings of Harriet Lerner. I recommend “the Dance of Intimacy” because Harriet Lerner goes into detail about the way the people in relationships tend to manipulate each other and how that manipulation can be stopped. The other book of interest is “The Dance of Anger”. I do not recommend the book “The Courage to Heal”. I have the book and regret spending the money on something that was so disappointing in content.

Abuse of any kind can have a devastating effect upon a person. Also it should be remembered that men can also be survivors of sexual abuse. They need to be heard too.

Maggie

 

[SavedByHim]

MaggieOH:

I have been reading over this thread and I have had experience with SA. However, the story of my marriage is not going along the same lines as I have seen described here.

Maggie, your story IS a bit different from those described here, but there is a common vein that seems to run through all survivors and that’s the issue of TRUST. I would imagine that you’ve felt alienated at times though, because you didn’t “fit the mold” of other female survivors who don’t trust men? I sincerely hope you’ve been able to find resources that address your particular needs. I also wonder why you haven’t told your husband of your past? (DON’T feel you have to answer that. It was your decision and I completely respect that, I was just wondering out loud.)

I would also tend to agree with your assertion of the book “Courage to Heal.” While it has some good information in it, it definetely goes against all things Catholic. It was recommended to me by my therapist, and at the time, I was not very Catholic by any means, so the idea of two lesbian authors didn’t phase me. But now, that I am deeper in my faith, I can see where this just isn’t a book that promotes Catholic ideas for healing. I do want to look up the other two books you mentioned though.

It’s been SOOOOO long since I’ve “dealt” with my abuse that it’s exhausting just thinking about doing all that “work” again, but I know that it’s something I’ve been needing to do for a while in order to make my marriage all that God intended. I have one thing going for me this time around though that I didn’t have before… and that’s the strength from God that I will have to help me through it!

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Well, the early results on the mass message looking for resources are not coming up with much beyond personal reflections by other survivors in the same general vein of the struggles recounted in this thread or to non-specific resources that have already been recommended (e.g. CatholicTherapists.com) or to organizations I’ve already contacted asking for (name removed by moderator)ut. It looks like this is something that is going to have to be built from the ground up.

 

[stbruno]

chicagolandmarriage.org/troubledmarriage_resources.htm