Marriage/sex/impotence/conceiving

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Dubervilles

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I am a practicing Catholic. My husband is not. We were married in the church 12 years ago. At first we used artificial birth control. This was confessed. We no longer have relations. We have tried but my husband cannot perform. It has been over 5 years. We recently decided that we may want to try for a baby (I will soon be 36) but I’m not sure where to turn. We have done counseling before with no improvement in the bedroom. He has had medical tests and has normal levels and tried Cialis but it did not help. I know even though sinful that perhaps artificial insemination (using my husbands own materials) may be an option.
Has anyone been through this? Years without intimacy? I let it go too long without making it an issue and now it’s too late I fear
 
Is your husband about the same age as you? (You said that you are almost 36, but you did not mention your husband’s age.) If he is, then that would mean that he has experienced this problem since around age 30.

I have heard that consumption of pornography sometimes leads to impotence in men who normally would be too young to experience this problem. (For example, see this article.) Is it possibe that your husband has a problem with pornography? If so, then perhaps overcoming that problem might help.

I could be way off the mark here, but that was the first thing I thought of.
 
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Many years ago he admitted to a problem with it but I was under the impression that he has gotten it under control as he wanted to.

Yes I am aware of the churches position on artificial insemination
 
Dubervilles said:
I know even though sinful that perhaps artificial insemination (using my husbands own materials) may be an option.
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This is NOT an option. As you already noted, it is grave matter-- a sin. Children are not commodities. We do not have the right to manufacture them because we “want” one.

My husband and I married later in life. I was in my late 30s. We tried to have children, I never got pregnant. I understand wanting to have a family and not being able to have one. That does NOT give us the right to try to manufacture a child. Absolutely NOT.

Please pray for the grace to accept it if you do not have children.
 
Adoption is another option, if you and your husband cannot conceive. There are many older children who need homes, and who are less likely to be adopted. Maybe you could check out the Kidsave program if it is available in your area. From their web site:
Hosting is a growing trend in older child adoption that gives families the opportunities to meet and get to know a child before adopting them. At Kidsave we offer hosting for both US kids and for children living in foster care and orphanages overseas. For the children, hosting gives the kids an opportunity to experience family life and build a relationship with a family who will either adopt them or introduce them to others who are interested in adoption. What Kidsave has experienced over the years, is that once people meet the kids it becomes easy to be their advocates — or to fall in love.
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Also, I am sorry that you and your husband have had to go so long without marital intimacy. That is a cross that my wife and I have not had to bear, and that I believe would be a very difficult one.
 
Dear sister,
I’m sorry to hear this. Perhaps your husband could try another doctor, as advances are always being made.
When they say “older children” are available for adoption, they mean children over two, who are considered “older.” Our son was 28 months when he came to us, and our daughter 10 months, both through the state foster-adopt program. True, adoption carries risks, but so does giving birth. You might consider it.
When you say, even though sinful, IVF may be an option – that’s true. But sin is turning your back on God, not something you want to do if you want his blessings on your lives. I am sure he has something in mind for you, and it may be lovely if you trust him.
I was resigned to a life of loneliness and ended up with a houseful of family. God is full of surprises. if we trust him.
 
There are so many precious children who need loving homes. Look into adopting a child who is stuck in “the system” . If you would be open to sibling groups chances are your house will go from quiet to full of the laughter of children in a very short time.
 
Just moving this topic up in the queue. I hope you can get some good replies from other women who’ve been in this situation.
 
Well, I wold say for starters, go to the best of doctors to address your husband’s difficulties.

I’m sure there are some good patron saints for this problem, but I’m not sure who they are off the top of my head.
 
Thanks for the replies–it is a hard subject to broach–it’s been so long ignoring the issue that now it’s at a head due to age. We had a good conversation this evening and I hope to figure things out
 
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