Marriage to a Protestant

[mml373]

I came to Catholicism from a Protestant background (converted in late 2011, divorced another Protestant in 2011, annulled in 2013), and have been dating a Protestant lady for around 18 months. Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose. She is a decent girl, and I have run into more than a few single Catholic women who simply haven’t been good fits (in one case, due to her behavior/strangeness/lack of real availability supposedly due to her job. I think she is playing games…)

At any rate…I am trying to make a decision. It would be unfair to my girlfriend to lead her on, after 18 months together.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

It is exceedingly difficult for even a decent Catholic man to find a single Catholic woman in her 30s. I figured my fortune would change when I moved to the St. Louis area, but it has not–while there are many Catholic women here, the single ones are as fickle as any I have met elsewhere, yet my Protestant friend remains true. I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

 

[Lek]

I hate to say this, but if your girlfriend is a committed Southern Baptist, I don’t think she would want to raise your children in the Catholic faith. Have you discussed this with her already? I can speak to this kind of a situation because my wife is a non-christian. Luckily, she didn’t object to raising our kids in the Christian faith, but she is not very supportive of my activities with the church and with me giving money to the church. She doesn’t see the value in these things. Even though we love each other and are compatible in other ways, our differences in faith cause a lot of strife in our marriage. Even though you’re both Christians, I would pay close attention to Paul’s comments about being “equally yoked”.

 

[1ke]

Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose.

You should also prayerfully consider that you are trying (and trying, and trying) entirely too hard.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

You say you don’t want to be unfair to this woman, yet you already are. You have an agenda-- a timeline in your head in which you need to fit a wife and children into. She’ll do. No mention of love. NO mention of how you can’t live without her. Rather she is the right age, likes you, and has hung in for 18 months. There may be more to your story, but this is how you’ve presented it.

On top of that-- you already have it in your head that she will convert “in her own time”. Uh, no. If you are not willing to marry her AS IS-- a nice, Southern Baptist lady who NEVER comes to Mass with you-- then don’t marry her at all. Don’t go into a marriage hoping to change her into something she is not: a nice Catholic lady.

And, what will you do when she insists on raising the children as nice Baptist children?’

You are entirely in your head thinking about YOU and not about her, future children, or anything else. That is how it seems from what you’ve written.

I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

Maybe some counseling with your pastor or a Catholic counselor can help you get to the bottom of these feelings and desires you have, and whether or not you are truly called to marriage and family at this point or whether God has other plans that you are not attuned to at the moment.

 

[robwar]

I came to Catholicism from a Protestant background (converted in late 2011, divorced another Protestant in 2011, annulled in 2013), and have been dating a Protestant lady for around 18 months. Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose. She is a decent girl, and I have run into more than a few single Catholic women who simply haven’t been good fits (in one case, due to her behavior/strangeness/lack of real availability supposedly due to her job. I think she is playing games…)

At any rate…I am trying to make a decision. It would be unfair to my girlfriend to lead her on, after 18 months together.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

It is exceedingly difficult for even a decent Catholic man to find a single Catholic woman in her 30s. I figured my fortune would change when I moved to the St. Louis area, but it has not–while there are many Catholic women here, the single ones are as fickle as any I have met elsewhere, yet my Protestant friend remains true. I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

You are setting yourself up for a marriage on conflict and strife between her southern baptist and your Catholic faith. If she is not interested and unwilling and you want children to be Catholic, you need to move on. Have you tried some of the single Catholic web sites?

 

[MadeAFace]

RUN!

 

[SuperLuigi]

One of the worst things anyone can do is base their relationship decisions with a partner on (perceived) failures and shortcomings of others.

This kind of excuse-making is done because there is a problem(s) with the relationship and third parties (fickle Catholic girls in St. Louis) make easy excuses. I’m sure there’s PLENTY of good, available Catholic women there.

A good relationship stands on its OWN merits. :yup:

I agree with other posters that considering marriage with someone who “breaks your heart” regarding your Faith is a bad idea.

I would strongly suggest joining a Catholic dating website if you cannot meet good Catholic women in person.

That’s what I did and eventually how I met my wife.

The other key red flag here: If you were so sure about this relationship, you wouldn’t be asking total strangers on-line for advice.

It’s fine if you do, it’s just you need to recognize why.

I will pray for you!

 

[agapewolf]

I came to Catholicism from a Protestant background (converted in late 2011, divorced another Protestant in 2011, annulled in 2013), and have been dating a Protestant lady for around 18 months. Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose. She is a decent girl, and I have run into more than a few single Catholic women who simply haven’t been good fits (in one case, due to her behavior/strangeness/lack of real availability supposedly due to her job. I think she is playing games…)

At any rate…I am trying to make a decision. It would be unfair to my girlfriend to lead her on, after 18 months together.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

It is exceedingly difficult for even a decent Catholic man to find a single Catholic woman in her 30s. I figured my fortune would change when I moved to the St. Louis area, but it has not–while there are many Catholic women here, the single ones are as fickle as any I have met elsewhere, yet my Protestant friend remains true. I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

HI.

I’m 39, single female in the St. Louis area. And 100% Catholic.

 

[MacQ]

I came to Catholicism from a Protestant background (converted in late 2011, divorced another Protestant in 2011, annulled in 2013), and have been dating a Protestant lady for around 18 months. Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose. She is a decent girl, and I have run into more than a few single Catholic women who simply haven’t been good fits (in one case, due to her behavior/strangeness/lack of real availability supposedly due to her job. I think she is playing games…)

At any rate…I am trying to make a decision. It would be unfair to my girlfriend to lead her on, after 18 months together.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

It is exceedingly difficult for even a decent Catholic man to find a single Catholic woman in her 30s. I figured my fortune would change when I moved to the St. Louis area, but it has not–while there are many Catholic women here, the single ones are as fickle as any I have met elsewhere, yet my Protestant friend remains true. I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

You haven’t said how she feels about marrying a Catholic.
Is she practicing her faith? Involved in her Church? Attending regularly?

Willing to attend catholic marriage prep and be married in the catholic church?
Willing to raise (or let you raise) the kids catholic?

I ask that because I know many catholics who have married non-catholics…who later (sometimes after many years) became catholic themselves. But most of them I think were not very fully committed to their own churches. Some of them became catholic in spite of their families telling them they’d go to hell for it. (That takes some courage)
She doesn’t have to become catholic (now, or ever) for you to have a good marriage…but if she would refuse marriage prep, a catholic wedding, or catholic kid raising, I’d say those would not bode well for a good match.

 

[Catholic1954]

I came to Catholicism from a Protestant background (converted in late 2011, divorced another Protestant in 2011, annulled in 2013), and have been dating a Protestant lady for around 18 months. Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose. She is a decent girl, and I have run into more than a few single Catholic women who simply haven’t been good fits (in one case, due to her behavior/strangeness/lack of real availability supposedly due to her job. I think she is playing games…)

At any rate…I am trying to make a decision. It would be unfair to my girlfriend to lead her on, after 18 months together.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

It is exceedingly difficult for even a decent Catholic man to find a single Catholic woman in her 30s. I figured my fortune would change when I moved to the St. Louis area, but it has not–while there are many Catholic women here, the single ones are as fickle as any I have met elsewhere, yet my Protestant friend remains true. I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

It took my husband 20 years to convert. Are you willing to spend that much time fighting about: baptizing the children, children attending Mass and not Baptist Youth Group, children making their first Communion without Mom there, Catholic Bible vs. King James version, no meat on Friday during Lent, birth control, Catholic pictures and statues in your home…etc?

 

[Emily2014]

HI.

I’m 39, single female in the St. Louis area. And 100% Catholic.

Dear friend, please be very careful how you proceed, for your own protection. It is quite possible that not every poster is who or what they may seem to be. Please read again the wise responses from other posters to the o.p and be on your guard.

God bless and protect you :grouphug:

 

[jmcrae]

I came to Catholicism from a Protestant background (converted in late 2011, divorced another Protestant in 2011, annulled in 2013), and have been dating a Protestant lady for around 18 months. Before and early in the relationship, I tried (and tried, and tried, and tried) to find a Catholic woman for marriage but was not successful. At 41 now, and wanting (more) children, I am prayerfully considering that it may just be true that God has put this Southern Baptist lady into my life for a purpose. She is a decent girl, and I have run into more than a few single Catholic women who simply haven’t been good fits (in one case, due to her behavior/strangeness/lack of real availability supposedly due to her job. I think she is playing games…)

At any rate…I am trying to make a decision. It would be unfair to my girlfriend to lead her on, after 18 months together.

At issue is the fact she is unwilling to attend mass with me. It breaks my heart, and I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic. Marriage is truly a gift and a blessing from God, and I want her to come to the faith in her own time. I know many Catholic/Protestant couples, and some where the non-Catholic spouse eventually converted (some time after the wedding.)

It is exceedingly difficult for even a decent Catholic man to find a single Catholic woman in her 30s. I figured my fortune would change when I moved to the St. Louis area, but it has not–while there are many Catholic women here, the single ones are as fickle as any I have met elsewhere, yet my Protestant friend remains true. I’m not getting any younger and now 4 years after my divorce and in my early 40s see my options for building a new family, based upon Christian faith, becoming more limited the longer I wait. I don’t want to make a decision that would cause me to lose a good girl, or to blow what may be the last chance God has given me to build a Christian family. Decent ladies are hard to find…

Thanks for any helpful replies.

We have so many sad stories on this Forum about people who marry first and regret later.

Don’t get all hung up on the idea that you have to get married, ever again.

If the right Catholic woman comes along, and you are a good match, then that’s a good time to think about getting married, but things need to happen in the correct sequence. First. the woman, then the wedding plans.

Don’t marry this poor girl just because she happens to be the person you’re dating, at the moment you think you need to get married.

Instead, focus on being a good father to the children you already have, and enjoy your friendships with women, without any expectation of marriage.

 

[MacQ]

It took my husband 20 years to convert. Are you willing to spend that much time fighting about: baptizing the children, children attending Mass and not Baptist Youth Group, children making their first Communion without Mom there, Catholic Bible vs. King James version, no meat on Friday during Lent, birth control, Catholic pictures and statues in your home…etc?

It takes some people longer than that, and some spouses never convert.
But fighting is not always part of that. Many non-Catholic spouses are more laissez faire and do not object to their partner’s faith practices.
That’s what he needs to find out…whether there will be fighting about it.

 

[MacQ]

We have so many sad stories on this Forum about people who marry first and regret later.

Don’t get all hung up on the idea that you have to get married, ever again.

If the right Catholic woman comes along, and you are a good match, then that’s a good time to think about getting married, but things need to happen in the correct sequence. First. the woman, then the wedding plans.

Don’t marry this poor girl just because she happens to be the person you’re dating, at the moment you think you need to get married.

Instead, focus on being a good father to the children you already have, and enjoy your friendships with women, without any expectation of marriage.

GOOD ADVICE!

 

[mml373]

One of the worst things anyone can do is base their relationship decisions with a partner on (perceived) failures and shortcomings of others.

This kind of excuse-making is done because there is a problem(s) with the relationship and third parties (fickle Catholic girls in St. Louis) make easy excuses. I’m sure there’s PLENTY of good, available Catholic women there.

A good relationship stands on its OWN merits. :yup:

I agree with other posters that considering marriage with someone who “breaks your heart” regarding your Faith is a bad idea.

I would strongly suggest joining a Catholic dating website if you cannot meet good Catholic women in person.

That’s what I did and eventually how I met my wife.

The other key red flag here: If you were so sure about this relationship, you wouldn’t be asking total strangers on-line for advice.

It’s fine if you do, it’s just you need to recognize why.

I will pray for you!

SuperLuigi,

The problem with the relationship is that I’m afraid to fall in love with a decent girl who happens to not share my Catholic faith. I’m asking strangers online in hopes that some of these “strangers” online are also Catholics (and hence should not be strangers, after all) who have seen “mixed” marriages succeed and who may know what successful mixed faith couples do to keep the peace in their family lives.

I’m glad you have had luck on a Catholic dating site. Quite frankly, for me, it was a waste of time back when I was seeking. I lived in FL back then and there weren’t many single Catholic ladies around. STL is different, perhaps.

 

[BettyBoop416]

We have so many sad stories on this Forum about people who marry first and regret later.

True. And some of them are married to Catholics. Just because your spouse is Catholic is no guarantee that your life will be regret-free.

 

[robwar]

It takes some people longer than that, and some spouses never convert.
But fighting is not always part of that. Many non-Catholic spouses are more laissez faire and do not object to their partner’s faith practices.
That’s what he needs to find out…whether there will be fighting about it.

I think the concern here is that she said she didn’t want anything to do with Mass or attend. that in it of itself is a big red flag. The couples I’ve known that seemed to have more successful Catholic/protestant marriages is where the non-Catholic spouse isn’t as involved in their faith and support the Catholic.

 

[mml373]

We have so many sad stories on this Forum about people who marry first and regret later.

Don’t get all hung up on the idea that you have to get married, ever again.

If the right Catholic woman comes along, and you are a good match, then that’s a good time to think about getting married, but things need to happen in the correct sequence. First. the woman, then the wedding plans.

Don’t marry this poor girl just because she happens to be the person you’re dating, at the moment you think you need to get married.

Instead, focus on being a good father to the children you already have, and enjoy your friendships with women, without any expectation of marriage.

jmcrae,

Thank you.

 

[MacQ]

I think the concern here is that she said she didn’t want anything to do with Mass or attend. that in it of itself is a big red flag. The couples I’ve known that seemed to have more successful Catholic/protestant marriages is where the non-Catholic spouse isn’t as involved in their faith and support the Catholic.

There are different variations of “not wanting to attend Mass”, and before we read too much into it, we should know more.
It matters whether she is simply indifferent (go to Mass if you want, but I’m going to stay home)…or if she is actively opposed (as in I will not go into a catholic church).

 

[maryjk]

SuperLuigi,

The problem with the relationship is that I’m afraid to fall in love with a decent girl who happens to not share my Catholic faith. I’m asking strangers online in hopes that some of these “strangers” online are also Catholics (and hence should not be strangers, after all) who have seen “mixed” marriages succeed and who may know what successful mixed faith couples do to keep the peace in their family lives.

I’m glad you have had luck on a Catholic dating site. Quite frankly, for me, it was a waste of time back when I was seeking. I lived in FL back then and there weren’t many single Catholic ladies around. STL is different, perhaps.

Catholic married to a non-Catholic, here. We have been married more than 20 years. (He is actually Catholic through his Baptism. But he doesn’t claim to be Catholic.)

The fact that it breaks your heart that she won’t attend Mass says to me that this will be a bone of contention for you. And until you can place her in the hands of the Holy Spirit, you will not have peace in your heart. If you do not have peace in your heart, you cannot have peace in your life.

 

[MacQ]

True. And some of them are married to Catholics. Just because your spouse is Catholic is no guarantee that your life will be regret-free.