Marriage to a Protestant

[Book_Worm]

I find it very surprising that two people of your age and your Baptist friend have dated for eighteen months without having a clear idea where your relationship is heading. Instead of asking strangers on the internet what their experience has been in similar situations, you should be asking her how she views the future. It really doesn’t matter if five people or fifty or five hundred reply that a mixed marriage such as yours can work well or be a terrible disaster. They are not you and your lady friend and their experiences are likely to be entirely different from yours.

You have a lot of issues to resolve before deciding whether the relationship is one that should continue. Religion is, of course, a big one, but it’s not the only one. You said you want “more” children so you obviously have at least one already. (To make writing this easier, I’ll assume one.). Is s/he in FL while you’re living in St. Louis? How does your friend feel about being a stepmother? How about visitation? How does she feel about your obligation to your child? If she works, would she resent a portion of the family income going to your child? Will she be able to love your child and be fair to both your child and any you may have together? What has been holding both of you back from discussing these issues?

And how do you feel about her? Do you miss her when you’re apart? Is your first impulse to share anything that happens with her?

It’s entirely possible for two people of different religions to have a good marriage, but the first prerequisite for that to happen is that they live each other enough to do the work to make it happen. Only you know if you do.

 

[Xantippe]

I find it very surprising that two people of your age and your Baptist friend have dated for eighteen months without having a clear idea where your relationship is heading. Instead of asking strangers on the internet what their experience has been in similar situations, you should be asking her how she views the future. It really doesn’t matter if five people or fifty or five hundred reply that a mixed marriage such as yours can work well or be a terrible disaster. They are not you and your lady friend and their experiences are likely to be entirely different from yours.

You have a lot of issues to resolve before deciding whether the relationship is one that should continue. Religion is, of course, a big one, but it’s not the only one. You said you want “more” children so you obviously have at least one already. (To make writing this easier, I’ll assume one.). Is s/he in FL while you’re living in St. Louis? How does your friend feel about being a stepmother? How about visitation? How does she feel about your obligation to your child? If she works, would she resent a portion of the family income going to your child? Will she be able to love your child and be fair to both your child and any you may have together? What has been holding both of you back from discussing these issues?

And how do you feel about her? Do you miss her when you’re apart? Is your first impulse to share anything that happens with her?

It’s entirely possible for two people of different religions to have a good marriage, but the first prerequisite for that to happen is that they live each other enough to do the work to make it happen. Only you know if you do.

Yes!

 

[underacloud]

I’ve avoided serious discussion with her on this topic.

Well it seems like it’s time to have this discussion!

Yes, mixed marriages can be very hard.

Yes, mixed marriages can work.

Only you (with sound advice and informed discussion with this woman) can work out whether it will work in your situation.

PS If you were a woman at 41, I would understand your urgency to have more children. But as a man, it’s less of an issue, biologically speaking. Make the right choices, not he most expedient choices.

 

[MacQ]

Catholic couples are far more likely to have Catholic children than mixed couples - children of mixed couples are statistically more likely to become atheists.

I reckon non-catholics married to practicing catholics are more likely to become catholic.
But liklihoods are statistics. Odds. Okay for large population decisions. Not so much for individuals.

 

[Tigg]

Come to think of it, I would encourage the OP to figure out what kind of Baptist the girlfriend is. One thing I’ve lived since moving to a super Baptist area is that Baptists are actually incredibly diverse

And here is another snippet of truth. In some mixed marriages it is found out after the fact, that the non-Catholic has actually been catechized against the Church and believes it their obligation to proselytize the Catholic. They are quite sincere in their motivation and wish to bring about what they would consider a rescue from false religion. The Catholic who is weak in faith, then simply loses their faith. This happened in our immediate family through “loving” witness and unrelenting bible “study” until eventually, the Catholic was convinced that the Catholic Church was wrong on every count.

 

[MacQ]

And here is another snippet of truth. In some mixed marriages it is found out after the fact, that the non-Catholic has actually been catechized against the Church and believes it their obligation to proselytize the Catholic. They are quite sincere in their motivation and wish to bring about what they would consider a rescue from false religion. The Catholic who is weak in faith, then simply loses their faith. This happened in our immediate family through “loving” witness and unrelenting bible “study” until eventually, the Catholic was convinced that the Catholic Church was wrong on every count.

There are also people who call themselves protestants, but don’t go to church or engage much in their religious tradition.

One would think that after 28 months of dating, the OP would have some sense of where his intended stands. If not, what else doesn’t he know?

This is why catholic marriage prep is a very good idea.

 

[JakeWI]

My wife is Lutheran, and I am Catholic. We have dated for over 3 years, and have been married over a year. At the time that I met her, and probably about half our relationship thus far, she had been strict about not changing religions.

The turning point for her was the marriage prep. We had to go through both the prep at her church (since we were getting married there), and through mine (so I could receive a dispensation from our Archdiocese). In regards to the Catholic marriage prep, she appreciated how thorough it was, how much caring about us as a couple went into it, how they didn’t judge her for being Lutheran (and actually said that one of the Deacons of our Parish is married to someone who is of the Lutheran faith). She found all the information helpful, non-pushy, and really helped her understand things more. At the Lutheran church, we had two meetings and at one of them… the Pastor went into a 30 minute tirade about the Catholic church and what he doesn’t agree with. That turned both of us off, and made me get a really sour taste in my mouth.

Fast forward to now… she is just starting RCIA this fall and will be welcomed into the Catholic faith in spring. She found that the opinions of the Catholic church that her mom fed her (her mom is Lutheran, her dad is virtually a non-practicing Catholic) were incorrect. The best thing about this all was that she had learned everything herself. We were willing to make things work even with two different religions… it just happened that she ended up feeling more comfortable and understanding of the Catholic faith that she wanted to convert herself… even with the inevitable issues that will be coming in the future when her family discovers what is happening, and that our kids will be baptized Catholic.

In looking at this situation, it may be more difficult if the religion is more different than Catholicism (in which Missouri Synod Lutheran is very similar to Catholicism, so my wife didn’t have as big of a change), but you will need to see how “flexible” she is with future kids and what not, and if she can be understanding with what you need to do to follow your faith, including the marriage prep stuff if you guys were to decide to get married.

I will say some prayers for you. God bless!

 

[MacQ]

My wife is Lutheran, and I am Catholic. We have dated for over 3 years, and have been married over a year. At the time that I met her, and probably about half our relationship thus far, she had been strict about not changing religions.

The turning point for her was the marriage prep. We had to go through both the prep at her church (since we were getting married there), and through mine (so I could receive a dispensation from our Archdiocese). In regards to the Catholic marriage prep, she appreciated how thorough it was, how much caring about us as a couple went into it, how they didn’t judge her for being Lutheran (and actually said that one of the Deacons of our Parish is married to someone who is of the Lutheran faith). She found all the information helpful, non-pushy, and really helped her understand things more. At the Lutheran church, we had two meetings and at one of them… the Pastor went into a 30 minute tirade about the Catholic church and what he doesn’t agree with. That turned both of us off, and made me get a really sour taste in my mouth.

Fast forward to now… she is just starting RCIA this fall and will be welcomed into the Catholic faith in spring. She found that the opinions of the Catholic church that her mom fed her (her mom is Lutheran, her dad is virtually a non-practicing Catholic) were incorrect. The best thing about this all was that she had learned everything herself. We were willing to make things work even with two different religions… it just happened that she ended up feeling more comfortable and understanding of the Catholic faith that she wanted to convert herself… even with the inevitable issues that will be coming in the future when her family discovers what is happening, and that our kids will be baptized Catholic.

In looking at this situation, it may be more difficult if the religion is more different than Catholicism (in which Missouri Synod Lutheran is very similar to Catholicism, so my wife didn’t have as big of a change), but you will need to see how “flexible” she is with future kids and what not, and if she can be understanding with what you need to do to follow your faith, including the marriage prep stuff if you guys were to decide to get married.

I will say some prayers for you. God bless!

:clapping:

Thank you thank you thank you.

 

[jmcrae]

I reckon non-catholics married to practicing catholics are more likely to become catholic.

People who are friends with Catholics have the same likelihood of converting, without the same risk to your children’s souls. You don’t have to marry someone, to evangelize them. (And I would recommend against it, myself.)

 

[MacQ]

People who are friends with Catholics have the same likelihood of converting, without the same risk to your children’s souls. You don’t have to marry someone, to evangelize them. (And I would recommend against it, myself.)

I did not recommend or even allude to marrying someone for the purpose of evangelizing them.
Planning on changing the person you marry in any way is wrongheaded.

I simply said that someone married to a catholic is more likely to convert.
My years of involvement with RCIA confirms that notion (and doesn’t support yours, btw). But perhaps you have some statistics to back yours up?

I never said that was a reason to marry someone. Only that being non-Catholic is not a reason to reject them. (Not everyone requires breakfast to be made for them only by a catholic).

 

[jmcrae]

I did not recommend or even allude to marrying someone for the purpose of evangelizing them.
Planning on changing the person you marry in any way is wrongheaded.

I simply said that someone married to a catholic is more likely to convert.
My years of involvement with RCIA confirms that notion (and doesn’t support yours, btw). But perhaps you have some statistics to back yours up?

Actually, I do. Bibby and Posterski have shown consistently for many years now (decades) that mixed faith families overwhelmingly produce atheist children, and doubly so when it is the father who is excluded (or excludes himself) from the family faith.

That doesn’t mean that any particular child is guaranteed to be an atheist, but when one parent doesn’t practice “the family faith” or when the family doesn’t identify with any specific faith tradition (even if each of the parents is practicing something), the children will generally tend to become atheists.

 

[MacQ]

Actually, I do. Bibby and Posterski have shown consistently for many years now (decades) that mixed faith families overwhelmingly produce atheist children, and doubly so when it is the father who is excluded (or excludes himself) from the family faith.

That doesn’t mean that any particular child is guaranteed to be an atheist, but when one parent doesn’t practice “the family faith” or when the family doesn’t identify with any specific faith tradition (even if each of the parents is practicing something), the children will generally tend to become atheists.

I was referring to your assertion that people with catholic friends are as likely to convert as people with catholic spouses.
But ok, I haven’t read the study, so can’t comment on its validity, but will take your word for it that these mixed marriages are spawning little atheists all over the place.
(Tho I have to wonder about all these young folks who were raised catholic and have left it But never mind, that’s an aside.)

It’s obviously best if the entire family practices their faith together. True I’d say whether Catholic or Protestant or Jew. That’s the ideal.

All I’ve said is that mixed marriages, in and of themselves, need not (and do not always)portend disaster or little atheists unleashed on the world.

I see lots younger folks coming into RCIA now, with little kids…and those devout converts and their spouses (made more devout by their spouses conversion) living now as catholic families. I have seen grown catholic sons sponsoring their fathers (while the always catholic Mom stood by in happiness).

I guess my entire point is that we should not be too quick to judge and discard a person who isn’t catholic (yet or ever).

 

[jmcrae]

I was referring to your assertion that people with catholic friends are as likely to convert as people with catholic spouses.
But ok, I haven’t read the study, so can’t comment on its validity, but will take your word for it that these mixed marriages are spawning little atheists all over the place.
(Tho I have to wonder about all these young folks who were raised catholic and have left it But never mind, that’s an aside.)

17% of those baptized Catholic will still consider themselves Catholic when they graduate from high school.

Almost 0% of those not baptized Catholic will do the same.

It’s obviously best if the entire family practices their faith together. True I’d say whether Catholic or Protestant or Jew. That’s the ideal.

Thank you. Surely we should strive for the ideal.

 

[MacQ]

That doesn’t mean that any particular child is guaranteed to be an atheist, but when one parent doesn’t practice “the family faith” or when the family doesn’t identify with any specific faith tradition (even if each of the parents is practicing something), the children will generally tend to become atheists.

One other thought about these atheists you’re so concerned about spawning from mixed marriages: perhaps you might be comforted by reading St. Augustine’s Confessions.
Or for that matter, reflecting on his mother (St Monica)…there might be a call to patience and hope for catholics married to or begetting non-believers.
Occurs to me, it would be just like God to require that instead of giving us the magical ideal catholic to marry.

 

[jmcrae]

One other thought about these atheists you’re so concerned about spawning from mixed marriages: perhaps you might be comforted by reading St. Augustine’s Confessions.
Or for that matter, reflecting on his mother (St Monica)…there might be a call to patience and hope for catholics married to or begetting non-believers.
Occurs to me, it would be just like God to require that instead of giving us the magical ideal catholic to marry.

I would not wish St. Monica’s trials, nor St. Augustine’s trials, on anyone I love. They are Saints because they persevered through incredible difficulties; not because these things are easy, or recommended for ordinary people.

 

[MacQ]

I would not wish St. Monica’s trials, nor St. Augustine’s trials, on anyone I love. They are Saints because they persevered through incredible difficulties; not because these things are easy, or recommended for ordinary people.

Would that we could wish what trials our loved ones would have.
And ALL the saints were…ordinary people.
No one said it was easy.

 

[jmcrae]

Would that we could wish what trials our loved ones would have.
And ALL the saints were…ordinary people.
No one said it was easy.

It just seems silly to purposely make your life more difficult than it already is - along with the life of someone you say you love.

If it’s hard for a Catholic (who lives in the life of grace) to be married to a non-Catholic, imagine how difficult it is for the non-Catholic to be married to a Catholic.

 

[masuwerte]

Time for an anecdote, here: I’m a cradle Episcopalian happily married to a lovely Catholic woman. I go to Mass with her and our son almost every week. Sometimes I even take him to Mass and make sure he goes to religious education when his mom can’t be there. I might not believe and profess everything the Catholic Church teaches, but at least I respect the Catholic Church. I think that’s the main point. If the non-Catholic party can respect the Catholic party’s faith, it can work out. The Catholic party has to reciprocate, and show respect for the non-Catholic, too. Without that respect going both ways, it probably won’t work out. JMHE.

 

[MacQ]

Time for an anecdote, here: I’m a cradle Episcopalian happily married to a lovely Catholic woman. I go to Mass with her and our son almost every week. Sometimes I even take him to Mass and make sure he goes to religious education when his mom can’t be there. I might not believe and profess everything the Catholic Church teaches, but at least I respect the Catholic Church. I think that’s the main point. If the non-Catholic party can respect the Catholic party’s faith, it can work out. The Catholic party has to reciprocate, and show respect for the non-Catholic, too. Without that respect going both ways, it probably won’t work out. JMHE.

 

[MacQ]

It just seems silly to purposely make your life more difficult than it already is - along with the life of someone you say you love.

If it’s hard for a Catholic (who lives in the life of grace) to be married to a non-Catholic, imagine how difficult it is for the non-Catholic to be married to a Catholic.

Your ASSumption that being married to a non-Catholic is necessarily more difficult seems to be firmly embedded…despite various anecdotes right here n this thread.
As for “imagine how difficult it is for the non-Catholic”…I was previously the non-Catholic married to a Catholic for the first 32 years of our marriage, I’ll tell you that yes, I CAN “imagine” what it’s like. And NO…it was not difficult.
It’s a matter of mutual respect…which ought to be an ingredient in ANY marriage. Both being catholic doesn’t guarantee that either.
A more diverse set of acquaintances might provide a healthy perspective…