Marriage to Non-Catholic

[Faith0333]

Your bishop CAN give you permission to marry. Since your potential groom was baptized it WILL be considered a sacramental marriage.

That said, just because you can do this, it still may not be a good idea. You do know that to marry in the Church, both of you will have to attend several months of counseling before you wed? And that, based on those counseling sessions, the priest CAN refuse to perform the marriage?

The passages in the Bible tell you that this sort of marriage is a bad idea, and is more likely to fail – if your potential groom doesn’t believe the Bible, and decides to abandon the marriage…it leaves you in a very unhappy place.

It will leave me in a very unhappy place. And I guess, part of me would be resentful. But I have faith in him sticking to his words that he “is committed even before marrying” me. That he feels so strongly about me, that he won’t leave me.

I was aware that there will be counselling sessions or preparaation required before marriage. He knows this too as he did all the research for us. I was just facing a battle in my head as I take Catholicism seriously and I want to do things the right way. I had to ask if there is a right way with a non-believer.

Thank you very much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I have relayed all the feedback I’ve received but will definitely be speaking to my priest to confirm everything and receive further guidance. Thanks again

 

[RedFox0456]

This is food for thought. But it contradicts what other people have advised me. How come I can still get married in a Catholic church with a non-believer if its not permitted in the bible? I’m so confused

It is permitted in the bible. In fact, Paul makes a point to say not to divorce from your spouse just because he/she lacks faith. I am referring here to 1 Corinthians 12-14. I’m on my phone, so I would prefer not to type it all out.

 

[RedFox0456]

Sorry. I didn’t realize I missed this on the phone. I’m at a computer now. I was referring to 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 (chapter is a little bit important, I hear)

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Apologies for that! I know this doesn’t directly say to go out and marry an non-believer, but I think the premise that your potential spouse can be sanctified through you is still valid based on the passage.

 

[robwar]

Hi I am new here but I need to know the answer to a concern of mine. I am a Roman Catholic. I am a firm believer in getting married in a church and raising my future children as Catholics. I met someone who I innocently fell in love with. He was initially raised a Baptist, however he drifted from religion and identifies as an Atheist. He claims “it is possible that there may be a god but I don’t believe there is one.”

I am not trying to convert him as he gets annoyed if I try force religion on him, but we want to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. However, I am worried that we can not do so in a catholic church because he is atheist.
He is willing to marry in a catholic church out of respect of my beliefs. It seems logical to expect that he must accept the blessing, but if he is a non-believer, how can he do this?Does this mean that our union will not be blessed before God?

Any information on this matter would be helpful, as well as anything you think I may need to be mindful of in the future.

sorry, but you really need to rethink your future with this man. If there are conflicts now, they will only magnify if you marry. Marriage is challenging enough with the added disagreement over belief in God. It would be better to part ways now than have a holy war on your hand with marriage and then children. Marriage is sacramental in where both spouses are to work together to help each other in their faith. that is not going to happen if one spouse doesn’t even believe in God. You also need to look at the CAF thread by those you are now in a mixed faith/no faith marriage and the prayer requests asked for because of problems. Yes, there are going to be those on here that say, 'well I married or my aunt married and it was ok". I remember one thread where the wife was Catholic and I think is was a 11 year old son no longer wanted to go to church with her because he wanted to be like his atheist father. You need to rethink this relationship before you go any further.

 

[Faith0333]

Sorry. I didn’t realize I missed this on the phone. I’m at a computer now. I was referring to 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 (chapter is a little bit important, I hear)

Apologies for that! I know this doesn’t directly say to go out and marry an non-believer, but I think the premise that your potential spouse can be sanctified through you is still valid based on the passage.

Wow thank you very much for sharing your knowledge it is much appreciated. It has helped more than you know.

I think the interesting part is that people seem to find certain verses in the bible that are against it, but then it is apparent also that there is parts that say it is ok to marry a person who lacks in faith. That’s not to say that he won’t possibly in time return to Christianity. He told me he is still searching but has not found what he is searching for yet - whatever that may be! I pray for him but also tell him that he is looking too hard.

Robwar, I understand where you are coming from. That is a fear of mine but I do love him deeply and I don’t want to judge him for not being Catholic or Christian. Apart from this, we are very compatible and I have seen how much he respects my views by allowing us to get married in a Catholic church and raising our future children as Catholics. I can’t twist his arm to believe in what I do, but I think that is part of what makes us compatible. Who’s to say in time he won’t find his way back to God? Its not unrealistic.

 

[robwar]

There is a saying that men marry women thinking they won’t change and women marry men thinking they will change them. It is totally unwise to marry someone thinking that you are going to convert them or change them. It is the wrong basis to start any marriage.
Take Op’s situation but lets change it to that this guy drinks. Ok , i didn’t mean to but I fell in love with someone that likes to go to the bar with the boys and drink. I don’t really drink that he says thats ok and maybe he might stop or he won’t drink so much around me. Now would that be wise to marry someone with a problem like drinking or drugs or pornography and start the marriage with a major issue? I don’t think so. There is a major issue here. one partner believes in God and want to practice her faith and raise children in it and the other doesn’t believe in God, is ambililent about it and then give lip service to the other telling them what they want to hear about letting children being raised in the faith. Marriage is not the time for major evangelization on someone else and someone shouldn’t marry someone thinking they are going to convert or change the other person to faith. That is just a set up for conflict and problems. He may be the nicest guy and fun but it is not fun to have a marriage with a major rift in belief in God and the practice of faith.

 

[robwar]

Wow thank you very much for sharing your knowledge it is much appreciated. It has helped more than you know.

I think the interesting part is that people seem to find certain verses in the bible that are against it, but then it is apparent also that there is parts that say it is ok to marry a person who lacks in faith. That’s not to say that he won’t possibly in time return to Christianity. He told me he is still searching but has not found what he is searching for yet - whatever that may be! I pray for him but also tell him that he is looking too hard.

Robwar, I understand where you are coming from. That is a fear of mine but I do love him deeply and I don’t want to judge him for not being Catholic or Christian. Apart from this, we are very compatible and I have seen how much he respects my views by allowing us to get married in a Catholic church and raising our future children as Catholics. I can’t twist his arm to believe in what I do, but I think that is part of what makes us compatible. Who’s to say in time he won’t find his way back to God? Its not unrealistic.

I’ve been married 26 years. My husband is a marriage counselor. It is all too easy to have someone tell you that he “supports” or doesn’t care if you are going to church or taking the kids. Being compatible is deeper than that. Faith is our core and should be. When that is not shared with, there is a wall or conflict even though it isn’t and all out fight. this isn’t about judging him. It’s about finding someone that both of you can share and support each other in. Trust me, everyone thinks they find the most compatible person to marry, then they get married and realize that it’s easy to be compatible in dating, but living together in marriage, you will find out that you are very different. But if both of you have to common faith and practice, you will work through it together as a couple.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Wow thank you very much for sharing your knowledge it is much appreciated. It has helped more than you know.

I think the interesting part is that people seem to find certain verses in the bible that are against it, but then it is apparent also that there is parts that say it is ok to marry a person who lacks in faith. That’s not to say that he won’t possibly in time return to Christianity. He told me he is still searching but has not found what he is searching for yet - whatever that may be! I pray for him but also tell him that he is looking too hard.

The verse that’s quoted does not say it’s ok to marry an unbeliever. The verse says that if the unbeliever is willing to live with the believer peaceably, they should not divorce. This situation is when a couple is married, and one becomes a believer after the marriage has taken place. It’s saying that to do your best to remain married! A very different message than what you are reading into it. The passage is speaking hope into a difficult situation. It is indeed acknowledging that the situation is difficult.

Hoping and praying that your spouse will change one day and come to the faith is a very different situation than being single, and choosing a spouse that will hold your hand and walk with your faith journey together.

 

[RedFox0456]

I would point out St. Monica of Hippo at this time. Her husband was an adulterer and her son was not a believer. Yes, her situation was difficult but she continued to live her life faithfully, praying for her family. Eventually her prayers were answered, and her son wound up reforming his ways. Now we refer to him as St. Augustine of Hippo. I simply don’t think it’s fair to say you should give up on people when God has shown what faith can do. That being said, they are correct. It can be a very trying and difficult situation, so you do have to be prepared to take up the vocation of marriage under particularly difficult circumstances. I’ve been married to my wife for four years now. She still hasn’t come around to belief, but she is a wonderful person and I am going to keep living as a positive example of the faith. God willing, she will come around.

 

[robwar]

I would point out St. Monica of Hippo at this time. Her husband was an adulterer and her son was not a believer. Yes, her situation was difficult but she continued to live her life faithfully, praying for her family. Eventually her prayers were answered, and her son wound up reforming his ways. Now we refer to him as St. Augustine of Hippo. I simply don’t think it’s fair to say you should give up on people when God has shown what faith can do. That being said, they are correct. It can be a very trying and difficult situation, so you do have to be prepared to take up the vocation of marriage under particularly difficult circumstances. I’ve been married to my wife for four years now. She still hasn’t come around to belief, but she is a wonderful person and I am going to keep living as a positive example of the faith. God willing, she will come around.

St Monica was an arranged marriage. This is not an arranged marriage. This is someone knowingly dating then possibly marrying someone that doesn’t even believe in God thinking that they will change the other person. One should never marry someone with either a major difference, conflict or issue thinking that they will change or hoping that the other person will change. This is a bad idea and my husband’s office is filled with people who got married with the idea that the other person is going to change. Marriage is challenging enough without adding a major issue such as belief in God. With no fault divorce out there, the risks are too high. It is better to cool it off now than go through a difficult marriage due to major faith issues.

 

[Usige]

One other thing to consider is that many studies have shown that the religiosity of the father has a large impact on a child’s religious practices. I also read a Princeton study a couple years back that showed a link between non-religious fathers and a greater trend for kids to act out problem behaviors. The study tends to suggest that religious communities provide support and encourage fathers to be active participants in children’s life. A father’s involvement is important throughout their childhood and teen years.

In my oldest children’s lives whether I attended Mass or not had a huge impact. I converted to Catholicism a few years after my wife. Before that I was an atheistic leaning agnostic. My son would often point at me as reasons he shouldn’t have to go to Mass. Once I converted, my oldest two became much more involved and interested in going to Mass. It was almost like they though “if it’s important to Dad, then it should be important to me too.”

One final question would be if he understands that marriage is more than just a civil contract? Does he understand what marriage truly is? The reason I bring this up is because of how many annulments there are because people enter marriage without truly knowing what it is. One of the models of marriage my wife and I use in marriage prep is Christ crucified. A husband is called to love his wife to the point of giving up his life for her and his family. Without something to ground him in the understanding of sacrificial love it can be a tough row to hoe.

 

[Faith1960]

Your bishop CAN give you permission to marry. Since your potential groom was baptized it WILL be considered a sacramental marriage.

That said, just because you can do this, it still may not be a good idea. You do know that to marry in the Church, both of you will have to attend several months of counseling before you wed? And that, based on those counseling sessions, the priest CAN refuse to perform the marriage?

The passages in the Bible tell you that this sort of marriage is a bad idea, and is more likely to fail – if your potential groom doesn’t believe the Bible, and decides to abandon the marriage…it leaves you in a very unhappy place.

What if her fiancé wasn’t Baptised, had a civil ceremony and later had their union blessed, convalidated or whatever it’s called? What is a sacramental marriage vs non-sacramental marriage and would her going to Holy Communion after the above still be her receiving a sacrament?

 

[Faith0333]

One other thing to consider is that many studies have shown that the religiosity of the father has a large impact on a child’s religious practices. I also read a Princeton study a couple years back that showed a link between non-religious fathers and a greater trend for kids to act out problem behaviors. The study tends to suggest that religious communities provide support and encourage fathers at be active participants in children’s life. A father’s involvement is important throughout their childhood and teen years.

In my oldest children’s lives whether I attended Mass or not had a huge impact. I converted to Catholicism a few years after my wife. Before that I was an atheistic leaning agnostic. My son would often point at me as reasons he shouldn’t have to go to Mass. Once I converted, my oldest two became much more involved and interested in going to Mass. It was almost like they though “if it’s important to Dad, then it should be important to me too.”

One final question would be if he understands that marriage is more than just a civil contract? Does he understand what marriage truly is? The reason I bring this up is because of how many annulments there are because people enter marriage without truly knowing what it is. One of the models of marriage my wife and I use in marriage prep is Christ crucified. A husband is called to love his wife to the point of giving up his life for her and his family. Without something to ground him in the understanding of sacrificial love it can be a tough row to hoe.

I had this discussion with him several times. Just wanted to further clarify somethings. He was baptized as a Baptist. He drifted away from the religion in his late teens and we are both 26. As he changes his mind some days about Gods existence putting it down to a ‘matter of opinion’, there is still that thing inside him saying “maybe he is there - as a creator, nothing more or less”. This leads me call him atheist/agnostic. He understands that our children will be raised Catholic, and even said that if he is asked qu’s about God, he will say things that he was taught growing up that children understand. He states he will go to chruch with me “as boring as it is”, and participate in every religious day to be celebrated (i.e., saint days, Easter, Christmas etc).
In terms of marriage and it being sacramental - he gets what that is and Is happy to get married in a church. But he is not religious. Hence my original post questioning “would it be sacramental if my partner is not religious?”…I was told Yes - because he was baptized.
In terms of committment, he has respected my beliefs for the last 2 years and kept our relationship very innocent. I believe in my heart and mind that he would make a wonderful father and husband as he takes his promises to me, or anyone, very seriously. This makes him someone I can’t and won’t just let go because of his lack of faith. He is very special.
I hope I have answered your questions.
Thanks for your feedback and info provided, its definitely made me think and has led me to address these issues with my boyfriend.