Marriage trouble after two kids. Help

[Hope75]

Background: I have been married for almost nine years. My husband and I had infertility and miscarriages the first seven. We have always used NFP. We were blessed with our son #1 through the gift of adoption nearly 2 yrs ago. We conceived our son #2 when son #1 was 6mo old. So now we have 23mo and 8mo boys.

My husband is great. My kids are great. I stay home with them mostly, working only 1-2 eve shifts a week.

I am having a hard time adjusting to not being able to do what I used to do before kids. My husband and I were on sports teams together, we traveled together, and life was good. Now we don’t do that stuff since we have the kids. I used to do Bible study during the day, but now the kids are too young to use the childcare for Bible study.

I feel like I’ve lost who I am. I used to have fun, and I miss having time to myself. If I ask my husband to watch the kids while I go out he’ll gladly do it. However, I usually get grouchy at him for my unhappiness. I am selfish, and have a hard time apologizing when I hurt him.

I think this is such a big adjustment to now being a mom all of a sudden to two young boys. After having “freedom” for so long to do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it.

Any advice to help this stupid stubborn woman who is hurting her own marriage?

 

[newbetx]

Any advice to help this stupid stubborn woman who is hurting her own marriage?

Relax? I know it’s hard, but I really mean it.

For several years after our third child I saw my wife do similar things. Of course, I wasn’t helping anything either.

I know another couple that had difficulty having children. It became their whole effort to conceive. Finally they had two and began to wonder “why did we want this?”

When we marry, we focus on some things more than others. Eventually, priorities change, feelings change and with kids, stress is increased.

One thing that helped bring back “before kids feelings” to our marriage was “10 Great Dates” by Arp and Arp. If your parish or one near you has that program, I suggest you sign up for it. Or you could just buy the book. Seems silly, I know, but any happy marriage takes work. Investment of time and self. Many parishes have Marriage Encounter weekends. You might look into that, too.

Kids take a lot of time. Most is very rewarding but life is sure different. But we have to remember to get a sitter and spend time with our spouses. Or get a sitter and just sit. Wind down. Get back in touch with ourselves, our spouse and God.

You may miss a part of your life that is no longer really an option. You may be afraid to let go. Trust me. It’s all a journey. You get to look forward to doing many different things now. Disneyworld, school days, watching your children grow.

Peace to you.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I am NOT a parent so my (name removed by moderator)ut and $2 will buy your a cup of coffee

Does your parish have a mother’s day out program? I know in my area several of the churches have MDO. That would give you a couple of hours a week to just have some down time – go get a pedicure, go to Barnes and Nobles and look at the books, have an early lunch with the hubby.

If you’re not comfortable with a MDO program, do you have girlfriends with children of similar ages where y’all could trade off babysitting for a couple of hours a week? Say you take the kids for three hours on Tuesday, the other mom takes them for three hours on Wednesday?

If those are not viable options, I would suggest that you make date nights with your husband. Feed the kids, put them down; and then y’all have dinner together and maybe rent a video, have a glass of wine on the back porch? Spend time each not reconnecting – talk about each other’s days, what the boys did, et cetera.

Above all, make some time for yourself. You said your husband will watch the boys for you, take him up on it!!! Have a girls’ night out with some friends.

 

[GratefulDad]

Boy how many times have I heard this one? You are are the same person, just shifting gears to motherhood. I know the Mom’s on the Forum will have some great advice. God has sent you the gift of two healthy boys? Not much to complain about there. Continue to stay active, get the boys to the park, maybe a tricycle for the 23mo. old at Christmas.

You and your husband can have all sorts of time together, maybe not as fast moving though. As a parent you will not believe how much fun it is going to be to watch the boys in sports in a few years or even coach.

The Holy Spirit has passed you a ball full and complete with life, don’t let your team down.

 

[Julianna]

I know I’ll get slammed for this. But maybe 2 kids are your limit. You are at the 9 year itch phase. I have good news…it passes. It is, difficult when you have 2 under 5 yrs of age, been there done that…got the medals to prove it. You are lucky in that your husband will watch the kids while you get a breath of fresh air.

Perhaps you may want to go back to work full time? This may be your outlet. You are not stupid by any means. You would be surprised at the talks women have with themselves at this stage of marriage and children.

During this time, maybe a mommies morning out…or something that you and the boys can share together like Kindermuzic, or something along those lines.

DH and I used to take mini vacations every 6 months. We would stay at a great hotel about 50-100 miles from home for a weekend…around a festival of some sort…in a town where no one knows us. It was great. We had a blast. We now do this once a year now that the kids are grown and stay a week.

Soon your 23 month old will be ready for t-ball or toddler soccer. That will get you back out again for sure. You could also get a group of moms together with their children and start a mini sports fun thing in your back yard. This will keep the kids fit and give you an outlet to your love of sports. Myself and the neighbor ladies used to get together once a month for Bunco…the SAHM’s loved it, because it was played at a different house each month and that was their "me’ time and it afforded them socialization with other women in the neighborhood.

You are going to be in this lifestyle until the little one goes to Kindergarten.

You’re not going to want to tear your hair out until the boys are about 14 and 16 when your grocery bill doubles… You have boys…you are lucky.

 

[RWMorris]

Relax - every parent (or most parents) has been through this. It is a bit of an identity crisis. I remember feeling terribly shackled by my four children although I loved them very much.
If at all possible, find a Mother’s Day Out program or a “mother’s helper” (advertise in your parish bulletin) so you can have some time to yourself.
And give yourself a big break; you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t grouchy occasionally. Taking care of young children is the hardest job there is.

 

[kage_ar]

Kids CAN travel! Pack em up and go. Rick Steves had some episodes where he and his wife were taking the kids round Eurpoe.

Sports - perhaps there are other parents on the team and you all could take turns watching the kiddos during practice and games.

Bible Study - it is not kid friendly? Maybe you could start a study that welcomes little ones.

My best friend and I went to a concert when her daughter was 9 months old. This was a big outdoor festival event, the baby had in earplugs and she nursed and danced and had a great time!

During the intermission, a young lady behind us tapped my friend on the shoulder. The lady was crying, she said “this week I found out I am pregnant. I’ve been so sad, thinking I can never have fun again. Seeing you here with your baby lets me know that I can still be me and be a mom.”

 

[blossom02]

Just one thing. Once you stop trying so hard to not give up your self and your time you will feel much more free. The children are only little for a short while. This is all part of the process of learning virtue(Gods plan). One day we all have to give our selves up totally to God.

God love you and enjoy it while you have them little.

 

[SarahR]

Howdy. Mom of 4 little ones here (ages 6, 4, 2, 11 months).
Make time for yourself. Make time for YOUR HUSBAND too!!! Make time to pray. If you find childcare a couple of times per week for a couple of hours, you may return refreshed, a much happier person, wife and mommy…and for heaven’s sake your kids will be FINE. It sounds like there is an increase in tension in your marital relationship—you are under new, constant demands and probably could use little chunks of time here and there to rejuvenate. I know I would have enjoyed my children and husband a lot more had I given myself permission for “personal” time every so often. Unless your personal interests are immoral (which it doesn’t sound like they are), there’s no need to give them up completely. You won’t be able to live as freely as you did b.c. (before children), but you already know that.

I used to be completely into attachment parenting, read every book my library system had, spent hours poring over attachment parenting websites. Nothing wrong with those moms (and dads) who find that parenting style works for them…great! However, it is not for everyone. There’s enough mommy guilt in the universe already, save it for the big screw-ups and don’t sweat leaving them with a trusted caregiver for a few hours here and there. Some husbands really benefit from seeing that the woman they first fell in love with, with her own unique interests, abilities, talents, still exists and hasn’t been booted out the door completely after the kids came along. Remember your hubby has needs too (not just physical though ) and enjoy him, let him enjoy you.

Take or leave my advice, but I wish to heavens someone had told me these things a few years ago.

Blessings to you and your fam!

 

[GFarmer]

As a guy who has been married 24 years with 3 kids spread out over 10 years in age (11-20) I know that it is important for you to take time for you. It sounds like your husband will take his turn with the kids so make sure you take advantage of that time.

Yes things do change between the couple with kids. Its tough to find time to do things alone as a couple like you could before. After 2 I sold my motorcycle (I always say to buy diapers!). But things do improve in the couple department as they get older. Now I have a motorcycle back and we both occasional get out on it. More often we are shopping & running errands but we tend to do it together on the weekends and try to work in some fun like a movie, or drinks & dinner.

If you have friends or family close maybe you could trade evening or weekend kid watching to get some time together for what others have suggested as a mini-vacation or a date night.

If your marriage is really in trouble, I would ask you to think about what it would be like to be a single parent. That could not be a better alternative to a loving and cooperative spouse!

If you want to work outside the home plenty of folks do that. Or how about a home based or small business? My wife is livestock farmer, its flexible and allows her to be available for running errands and hauling kids to sports and or activities. We needed daycare with the kids but only 3-4 hours a day most days.

We have found for us going to bed at the same time each night & getting up at the same time before the kids has been beneficial. More chance for love in the evening & I get up and have coffee & breakfast ready in the morning which time we use to get our game together for the day.

Just a few thoughts. Take care!

 

[Hope75]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. Since I work a few evenings a week I feel guilty leaving the kids with a sitter. (Finding a good sitter to watch two under two is also a bit of a challenge, but anyway…) The option of watching a friend’s kids and using her to watch mine sounds like something I should try. Again, having two children so young I feel bad asking someone to watch them. But I guess I can always ask!

When we were first married we would frequently get up together and have breakfast together. Now I sleep in as long as possible. We do go to bed together, but we could really go to bed earlier, and I could get up with him in the morning. I think he’d appreciate that. I’ll try that this week.

Now I just need to think before I speak. And simply remember to be nice.

I really do want a happy marriage and happy husband. I had that. I don’t just want to live with my baby daddy.

Any other thoughts/suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.