Marriage trouble. Prayers please

[TSB4]

I think I married the wrong person. We were young when we got together and since then I have grown, spiritually and mentally. Yet I feel like he hasn’t. I have expressed how certain things he does affects me, he will change briefly then go back to being the old him. He makes hasty decisions with money without me. Yet I always check in with him with financial purchases etc… He never puts thought into buying me a gift for our anneversary, my birthday, Christmas etc. I’m not a materialistic person at all, but it would be nice to be shown that I being thought of every now and then. We rarely spend time together. Even when he has time, it’s like his mind is all over the place. We will wind up talking about finances, bills, and stressful things. Intimacy is another issue. There is no foreplay. Sorry for the tmi, I’m just trying to fill you in. I need to vent. I cannot vent to anyone because I don’t like to feel judged. I don’t know anyone who would give me a. Biblical perspective, I don’t want worldy perspective. I don’t want to feel like I do. I’m beginning to feel like we are growing apart. I see other couples and read about othe couples and I just think, that’s what I want. I feel it’s so unattainable with him. I know it’s possible to grow apart, is it ever time to just call it quits? Could it be? Four kids, 10 years… All for nothing? If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading.

 

[ClearWater]

I’m sorry it’s been going so hard for you, two, lately. We are in hard times, and that’s very rough.

I generally encourage people with marriage problems, unless there is abuse, say, to try to work it out, to try counseling as a first option, preferably a Christian counselor. Secular counselors often don’t care about God, the 10 commandments, the Bible, or anything else says.

You do have 4 children, 10 years together, as you say.

If you were Catholic, I’d suggest also Retrovaille. There may be a Christian equivalent of that. I’m really am not sure.

My father just died, but he had been married to my mother for 70 years. One time, I asked his secret on marriage. All he said was, “You have to put up with each other!” That was it! That was my father’s advice on marriage! Also, they had dated 2 years before marriage, total time together, 72 years!

I asked my mother about marriage. She said, “People today get divorced…over nothing!”

Now, my parents had 11 children, went through World War II, where my father left for the war,.not sure if he’d ever come back!

When you got married, you both promised to love each other rich or poor, sickness and health, good times or bad, till death do you part. It’s a covenant relationship. It’s actually in imitation of the divine covenant, where God loves us and is in covenant with us.

What does the Bible say?

“Then he came to Judea and some Pharisees asked him, ‘Is it against the law for a man to divorce his wife?’ Jesus said, 'From the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. This is why a man must leave a father and mother and be joined to his wife. They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So then, what God has united, man must not divide”.

Is there a point at which it’s acceptable to leave a relationship? Well, we can leave a relationship anytime. We accept annulment in the case of Catholics where we can, sometimes, demonstrate that a marriage was invalid from the beginning. However, if it’s a valid marriage, it’s a marriage as far as we are concerned.

If one leaves a relationship, though, we personally don’t believe it is acceptable to God to ever remarry (if it was a valid marriage).

Could you find some counseling? Even if your husband would not go, I’d encourage you to, since I think you need it. Some health insurances will pick up a few marriage counseling, or individual counseling, visits.

I’ll close with a prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

 

[TSB4]

Thank you for your kind words. I’m just livid with him and his ways. I really don’t know if we’re compatible. At this point I feel like we are together because its what we are suppose to do and because its easier. If we split, I wouldn’t be able to support myself and the children as I have no work experience nor savings. I’ve devoted our entire lives together to ensuring he and te children were taken care of. They are always priority over myself. It’s when he makes selfish choices is when I begin to regret it. I know there are men out there who are different. I wish he could just try to be more sensitive and in tune with my feelings. I’m tired at this point. I feel like I’ll be waiting forever. I don’t think I have another 10 years plus to give with him. I just feel really Disgusted that I’ve grown so much more than he has and he isn’t willing to even meet me half way. Counseling is out, we tried two sessions and he refused to go back.

 

[Xantippe]

TSB4 said:

“Counseling is out, we tried two sessions and he refused to go back.”

Out of curiosity, what happened that made him decide to quit?

Based on your description of your husband’s distractibility and impulsiveness, I almost wonder whether your husband doesn’t have some sort of neurological condition–ADHD, bipolar, or something like that.

 

[Tablefor9]

6 months shy of our 10 yr mark I realized my husband had fallen back into Porn addiction. I was 6 month pregnant with baby number 6–and, I was a professional with multiple college degrees and serious earning power of my own. Otherwise, it could have been your post. How do a Choleric and a Phlegmatic get married and stay married, make promises, and joyfully keep them? I don’t know…if your husband isn’t a believer or isn’t willing to work with you somewhat, I think you have to recall that your vow is primarily to God and He is the true husband of your heart. Pray daily, for your husband and marriage, with him if he will do that.

1. Pray. God’s will is obvious so He will certainly help you. If your husband is not abandoning, abusive, addicted, or adulterous, we pray and stay, or pray and separate if the last resort is needed to secure our children or our legal rights (CCC I forget which paragraph–but you still aren’t free to remarry at that point, so the other guys out there mean nothing).
2. Counsel. Get Godly counsel. Do not talk about your man with the girlfriends, or your sister, or anywhere else. Even if he won’t go–go by yourself.
3. Communicate openly. Make a plan for communication. Again, even if he won’t, you sit down and make a plan, have him just initial it with you. Ex. We have a $100 rule at our house–before either of us spends $100, we talk about it and how it might impact the family budget. AND for years, the first 20 minutes after my husband got home belonged to me–for us to talk about our days, exchange stories, it wasn’t the kids’ time. I think I would talk to a counselor about how to work toward making this the expectation if he is resistent.
4. Be open about your feelings. Maybe print out your post or help him understand that a good marriage outside the bedroom is what leads to a good marriage inside it. I think most men want to make their wives feel valued and just dont realize they are blowing it.

Praying for you

V

 

[heidi_storage]

Thank you for your kind words. I’m just livid with him and his ways. I really don’t know if we’re compatible. At this point I feel like we are together because its what we are suppose to do and because its easier. If we split, I wouldn’t be able to support myself and the children as I have no work experience nor savings. I’ve devoted our entire lives together to ensuring he and te children were taken care of. They are always priority over myself. It’s when he makes selfish choices is when I begin to regret it. I know there are men out there who are different. I wish he could just try to be more sensitive and in tune with my feelings. I’m tired at this point. I feel like I’ll be waiting forever. I don’t think I have another 10 years plus to give with him. I just feel really Disgusted that I’ve grown so much more than he has and he isn’t willing to even meet me half way. Counseling is out, we tried two sessions and he refused to go back.

Maybe counseling for you alone, then? But don’t buy into the idea that divorce is going to make everything better because then you’ll meet your real soul mate–the only thing it can guarantee you is a broken home and sad children. Do what you need to do within the marriage to feel less resentful–take time for yourself, and communicate clearly and as dispassionately as you can when he does something that makes you nuts.