Marriage trouble

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Mamaofthree

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Hi, everyone. I’ve been reading CA for years and am feeling compelled to seek help from fellow faithful folks. My military husband and I have been married for 17 years and have three children ages 3-12. My husband has come from a very dysfunctional, unhealthy, abusive childhood, one filled with family members with addictions and poor choices.

I first discovered computer emails from my husband to escorts and online sites shortly after getting married and living together. My husband could explain things away and we worked through things. A few years later this happened again. We worked through this time, with the help of a therapist. A couple of years ago I found more (these are all emails, and I cannot find any proof that he physically met and cheated). Fast forward and I found computer history of searches for escorts, prostitutes, etc. where he is located overseas (he is away for a year and since we have a child with special needs, we had to remain in the US).

I obviously am not one to throw in the towel on our marriage and 20 years together, having worked through so much pain and through many trust issues. However, at this point, I feel like a fool for staying again. I feel that he loves me. He spends all his free time with me and our children normally, he demonstrates his love through actions to take care of us, with words, and through his sacrifices. I feel he has not worked through trauma in his past despite having worked with some counselor a through the years. I feel he has an addictive personality that seems to run in his family.

I am just feeling lost right now. We have nearly a year before he returns, and trying to heal these wounds a world away with limited communication is feeling impossible. I look at my children and want to especially work on this yet again…but am scared of being hurt again.

I would love any prayers, help, guidance, anything.
 
My prayers will be for you to be able to find comfort in your marriage with God leading you forward. There are probably many ways to handle this but my choice would be to sit down with your parish priest and seek his guidance. While there may be many reasons for your husband’s choices, he is an adult and he is married, those two things come with responsibilities and he has been making poor choices which are hurting you and damaging your marriage. Apparently he chooses not to stop and this is really the problem, does he want to be married to you and if he does why doesn’t he quit? I will pray for you to have the courage to find the answers,
 
Thank you both for your sweet replies. I am so torn. I never thought divorce would be a word I would consider, yet here I am. My life has been delightfully happy and devoid of all drama…his has been quite the opposite, and he is the only one of his siblings to have made better choices in his life. While I love him more than anything, I cannot be a doormat, nor do I want to live not being able to trust him, especially while he is gone for this extended period. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.
 
I said a prayer for you at 5 pm Mass. You are really hurting now and don’t know what to do or think. I might be able to help you sort thru this if you are in DC area (and/or I might be able to put you in touch with others elsewhere). Are you in EFMP? I served 12 yrs active and 12 yrs reserve Navy and my oldest daughter has numerous disabilities.

See redeemingmarriages.com/ and divorcebusting.com/ and billcoffin.org/
 
Mamaofthree said:
Thank you both for your sweet replies. I am so torn. I never thought divorce would be a word I would consider, yet here I am. My life has been delightfully happy and devoid of all drama…his has been quite the opposite, and he is the only one of his siblings to have made better choices in his life. While I love him more than anything, I cannot be a doormat, nor do I want to live not being able to trust him, especially while he is gone for this extended period. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mamaofthree. It sounds like your husband’s background and addictive personality have been taking their toll unfortunately. I would highly recommend your speaking with your Priest and/or your seeing a Catholic or Christian therapist. It can help tremendously. And prayers asking for the intercession of our Blessed Mother, St. Joseph, St. Monica, and St. Michael the Archangel can do amazing things! Please take care of YOU and your sweet children in every way possible, and Our Lord will do the rest. He’s at your side every step of the way. God’s blessings always.
 
I would be concerned about your health if your husband has prostitutes and escorts, especially while in foreign countries. It might be important to remember to encourage him to see a doctor before resuming relations on his return, but he would need to be honest with the doctor about his activities, so that you are not at potential risk.

I don’t really think bad behavior can be blamed as much on childhood issues as people think. We do have the ability as adults to make choices for good or bad behavior. I was sexually abused by a relative and spent time in an orphanage, I lost my mother when I was young, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse to behave in a way that hurts my spouse. So I think your husband has to take responsibility for his selfish undisciplined behavior. You need to forgive, but not make excuses for him. He is a man, trusted to work in the military. He wouldn’t be there is he wasn’t considered a responsible adult. Too many people make excuses for others, I think, so the person doesn’t have to take responsibility for their choices and decisions. Yes he can choose to do the right thing by his marriage. He just chooses not to.

Therefore certainly I’ll pray for you both and for your children. I hope everything works out for the best in everything and that the children will grow up to be wonderful, happy, well-adjusted and loving. God bless your family
 
Thank you all again for your kind words and prayers. I have been doing a lot of digging in my memory from the past few years…and I am wondering if he could be clinically depressed, something that runs in his family along with addiction (and he was depressed as a young adult). His signs seem to indicate this possibility. He is headed to the Chaplain this week, and may seek out a psychiatrist.

While I am not one to try to give excuses, 40-60% of the predisposition to addiction can be linked to genetics, so while some folks are fortunate not to be affected, others are not. I am still trying to keep an open mind, maintain a healthy life for myself and our children, and try to support him as he finally, after 2 decades, seeks help. He admitted he was too scared to actually act on anything and never left his post…and this is one thing I do believe him on. He has never seemingly had the “courage” to do more than look, but as I told him - these things escalate, so there is no telling where things may head if he continues down this path. He also admitted to feeling depressed and not dealing with his emotions headed into this year-long separation.

For right now, I am trying to be cerebral with all of this. Even if our marriage does not last, he is still the father of our children (and a truly excellent on at that), and I will try to support his desire to deal with his very traumatic past as much as I can.

Again, thank you for allowing me to open up here, in a safe spot.

Oh, Bill - yes, our three children each have EFMPs in place, as well as various specialists. Thank you for sharing your sites!
 
My husband and I were both military active duty. At one point he was deployed for half a year, and at another point I was the one deployed for half a year. Being the stay-at-home parent is, I think, the harder part of the job. The deployed spouse focuses 100% on work, the at-home spouse is forced into the role of single parent without support or relief for an interminable period.

We were in the Air Force. I don’t know which service your husband and you are in. (Yes, I say you, because the military spouse is every bit as essential as the member.) On our base was a Family Support Center which had resources to help the at-home spouses cope with long deployments, and to help the families during the often difficult period at the end of the deployment when they have to learn to live together again.

Please don’t do anything based on suspicion, and don’t file for divorce while he is gone. Having the deployed member fly home in the middle of a deployment to take care of a personal situation never works very well for anyone involved. Talk to the military chaplain (priest or minister as you prefer). Talk to the Family Support Center. Take advantage of the resources they offer to cope with your husband’s deployment, with being left alone, with his behavior, and with your trust issues. Work with them to prepare for his return and the difficult period you will face when you re-integrate your family.

From one military spouse to another, God bless you, and thank you - both of you - for your service.
 
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