Marriage troubles

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28562

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I’m not sure what has happened in the last few months in our marriage, but my wife and I just can’t seem to get along. We have both been more impatient than normal with each other. Fighting and arguing seems to happen pretty frequently, when it really didn’t use to happen at all. I’m tired of it and I’m sure she is too…we are currently not talking after another disagreement last night. I just want this fixed and I want our marriage to be happy again. I’m fed up with a lot of stuff and i do not want things to continue like this. I want her to be happy and I’m not sure she is, or not even sure if she’s even in love with me.

I don’t really have a reason for posting this other than I have nobody to talk to about it. I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life because it would make us look bad. Once again it will be awkward to go home after work, knowing that we are not speaking.

I guess we could use some prayers.
 
The first person to tell of your unhappiness at seeing your wife unhappy is your wife. She is also the first person to whom you ought to admit that you aren’t sure how to do better.

You are describing one of the major red flags threatening the survival of a marriage: Stonewalling. That is when communication is pointedly cut off due to conflict in a relationship. The other three red flags are: personal criticism (you always…, you never…, you’re such a…), defensiveness (well, maybe I wouldn’t X if you wouldn’t Y…), and contempt (mocking, name-calling, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust–this one is the worst of all).

You may need to learn how happily-married couples lodge complaints. I’ve done this a hundred times, but I’d recommend books by John Gottman. He’s a very well-known marriage researcher whose area of expertise is the behavioral habits that predict marital success and marital failure. Best yet, most libraries have his books, so you can check out his ideas for free before buying the book yourself.

I’d suggest you check out a Gottman book, learn something about the communication tactics that do and don’t work in marital conflict, and then talk to your wife directly about the areas where you have conflict. Most of all, though, resolve that none of the things you are fighting for is as important as fighting for your marriage. Start seeing some of the things you fight about in that light, and let most of them go.
 
EasterJoy said:
The first person to tell of your unhappiness at seeing your wife unhappy is your wife. She is also the first person to whom you ought to admit that you aren’t sure how to do better.

**I have, and there has been no response to the note I wrote. Although I told her that she didn’t have to respond to my note if she didn’t want to (she said she didn’t want to talk to me today, and I said in the note that I had to at least try), I had hoped to hear from her. I don’t like not talking to each other. **

You are describing one of the major red flags threatening the survival of a marriage: Stonewalling. That is when communication is pointedly cut off due to conflict in a relationship. The other three red flags are: personal criticism (you always…, you never…, you’re such a…), defensiveness (well, maybe I wouldn’t X if you wouldn’t Y…), and contempt (mocking, name-calling, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust–this one is the worst of all).

**Thank you for pointing that out. **

You may need to learn how happily-married couples lodge complaints. I’ve done this a hundred times, but I’d recommend books by John Gottman. He’s a very well-known marriage researcher whose area of expertise is the behavioral habits that predict marital success and marital failure. Best yet, most libraries have his books, so you can check out his ideas for free before buying the book yourself.

I’d suggest you check out a Gottman book, learn something about the communication tactics that do and don’t work in marital conflict, and then talk to your wife directly about the areas where you have conflict. Most of all, though, resolve that none of the things you are fighting for is as important as fighting for your marriage. Start seeing some of the things you fight about in that light, and let most of them go.
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Thanks for the advice. I’ll check the library today. Is there a particular title to look for?
 
I’d also strongly recommend Gregory Popcack’s book When Divorce is not an option. Great stuff about how to treat each other well, even in arguments, and how to get your marriage back on track.
 
Hold hands at dinner and pray that God will give you each the graces He promises in marriage.
 
Just be the best husband you can be for a while and see what difference that makes. Always loving, kind, respectful, and pray for her.
 
Counseling is another option you have. It can be done independently, then joint or even individually.

I know of one couple who was not even having actual marital problems, just wanted to improve communication. People often think you have to be divorcing before considering this option, but if you at divorce, it’s too late.

A counselor can teach how to communicate to each other without hurting each other, using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, avoiding the word “should”. Should makes most people react either defensively or aggressively.

I statements go like this. I feel x…when you y.

They teach how not to load it all at once. Tackle just one single issue at a time. Give 5 positives to every negative criticism. Once, my ex-husband came to me with a 5-page typed list of everything I was doing wrong with nothing good. We ended up in divorce.

There’s a book on the 5 love languages which is also good.

What area(s) are you fighting about? Something to consider. Notice specifically, what area the main concerns?

A good counselor can act as a bridge to facilitate communication, act as a mediator.

It also gives one the opportunity to vent, and one can ask for suggestions on how to phrase things in the future.:twocents:
 
The marital counselor I went to suggested we go out together to dinner once a week and discuss our problems. I tried discussing our problems, but I broke down crying. It’s not a bad idea to do some of the things you did when first dating, in the courtship phase.
 
Notes are for middle school kids.
Sit down and look into each other eyes, and try to recall why you love each other, and tell each other so. Listen. Listen again, and listen some more.
 
Pray the Rosary.
Pray for her at 3 o’clock.
Add a prayer intention on this forum.

I’m still a novice with the other stuff.
 
I find that rough patches come and go. The not talking part is worrisome, though. Communication is critical, however one chooses to do so (be it counseling or just between you both.) Prayers for you, pray for me! :o
 
pianistclare said:
Notes are for middle school kids.
Sit down and look into each other eyes, and try to recall why you love each other, and tell each other so. Listen. Listen again, and listen some more.
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Or, notes are for husbands who leave for work before their wives wake up. But thanks for the insult anyway. I was really missing that in my day.
 
28562 said:
Or, notes are for husbands who leave for work before their wives wake up. But thanks for the insult anyway. I was really missing that in my day.
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Context is everything. You should have said that instead of sounding like someone who has difficulty communicating. If you’re so upset by a random remark online you really do need to get a counselor.
No one insulted you. You’re on edge. Calm down and speak frankly with her.
 
pianistclare said:
Context is everything. You should have said that instead of sounding like someone who has difficulty communicating. If you’re so upset by a random remark online you really do need to get a counselor.
No one insulted you. You’re on edge. Calm down and speak frankly with her.
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I’m not on edge, but you clearly made an attempt at an insult by implying I was acting like a middle school kid. If you can’t see it, sorry. I’m not upset and don’t need to calm down. But you need to realize that it’s not really ok to jump to conclusions and to talk to people that way on here.

You can think I’m wrong all you want (because that’s how the internet works) but I’m not arguing with you about it anymore. Have a nice day.
 
ClearWater said:
The marital counselor I went to suggested we go out together to dinner once a week and discuss our problems. I tried discussing our problems, but I broke down crying. It’s not a bad idea to do some of the things you did when first dating, in the courtship phase.
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Unfortunately this really isn’t an option. We have kids and really no babysitter. We try to have in home dates (dinner alone) once a week, but haven’t been able to lately because we’ve been so busy.
 
28562 said:
I was considering doing that…if I can get off work on time.

I think we’ve patched things up a bit already. Hopefully we can move on from here and go back to the old us.
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Good for you! 🙂
 
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