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ClearWater
Guest
Sorry. I didn’t know your situation. I hope you can resolve this. I really do.
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pianistclare
Guest
Wow. Fine by me. Funny how you think you can tell people off yourself though.
Unsubscribing. Hope you can reconcile with your wife soon.
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ClearWater
Guest
I say flowers, because they have worked in the past when I’ve received them.
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28562
Guest
I didn’t get a chance to get flowers, but last night was a definite improvement. We both are sad and remorseful over how things have been going. I felt a surrender in myself and seemed to sense it in her also. I think that the stress and craziness of our lives has gotten to us and we had plenty of misplaced frustration and impatience.
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Xantippe
Guest
Is there anything that can be simplified or streamlined?
Oh, and here’s a tip: never fight just before a meal. Eat, then fight. Problems tend to look smaller after lunch or dinner.
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bitterhope
Guest
I understand this very much. We can’t go out on dates either, and honestly not sure we really desire that anyway. We enjoy our time together as a family because those moments can’t happen as often as they should. We prefer sitting together on the porch while the kids run around, next to each other in the couch while the kids play or watch tv, or in our room alone. We can’t afford take out and I’m not about to cook two meals or create two separate clean ups. Sometimes we laugh, cry, talk, hold each other silently, but usually a combination of all of those things. We always end up laughing eventually because my husband knows how to make me laugh and he loves seeing my laugh. It’s kind of a goal for him to get me laughing. My husband and I also write notes to each other. He leaves home between 2 and 4 every morning and I usually sleep until 5-7 depending on whether the kids get up first or my alarm wakes me up. We make sure we don’t just list problems. Most of our notes are I love you types. I’m not a fan of flowers so my husband doesn’t tend to pick them up, but it means so much to me if he rubs my feet for me. Find what your wife is missing. It sounds as if she’s somewhat overwhelmed and feels forgotten. Let her know your needs as well. Most marriages have struggles. Those struggles tend to bond us together in ways good times never can. Find the way to laugh together even as you struggle. Laugh unit it hurts. It releases tension and makes it easier to remember that the end goal in this vocation is getting to heaven together and carrying your children along with you. I’m praying for your marriage.
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on_the_hill
Guest
In my experience, whether it’s in marriage, family, or work problems grow when people don’t spend time talking to one another face to face. (aside from leaving notes before work)
Sometimes it takes time and a commitment to focus the conversation. By time I don’t mean an abstraction of time. I mean 20 minutes, 30 minutes of uninterrupted, undistracted time alone together. Not while you’re lying in bed about to fall asleep, not over dinner when you’re eating, not while you’re watching TV.
Sometimes it takes time and a commitment to focus the conversation. By time I don’t mean an abstraction of time. I mean 20 minutes, 30 minutes of uninterrupted, undistracted time alone together. Not while you’re lying in bed about to fall asleep, not over dinner when you’re eating, not while you’re watching TV.
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bitterhope
Guest
It probably depends on what the issue is. I can think of very few problems my husband and I have had in the 20 years we’ve known each other (18 married) that required 30 mins of uninterrupted conversation. Good thing since we rarely have 30 mins to sit face to face completely alone with no distractions. We can go a week and see each other only in passing if we are even on the same continent during that time. That is where a common goal and focus for the family must exist. Marriage and family are very individual endeavors. I realize most couples have many more options for togetherness than we do, but it isn’t impossible for couples in circumstances similar to mine to have very happy, healthy and successful marriages. Sometimes we need to get creative in the ways we find to stay connect, communicate, keep positive, replenish weary souls, etc, but it isn’t wrong that we find the ways that work for us individually. Many couples find themselves in situations that make time together rare at best. Dates are too expensive even if time can eventually be made. People aren’t doomed to misery in these families unless they choose to be. Get creative and find what works best for your particular family and set of circumstances.
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28562
Guest
I do believe that she is overwhelmed right now. Unfortunately, there’s not too much I can do right now about it. We’ve been dealing with the stress of a little debt and financial difficulty that stems from taking in a couple teens 2 years ago, and lost income in the last 12 months. We have 5 kids, age 8.5-10 months on top of dealing with teen stress. I recently picked up another job that I was offered out of the blue, so I have been gone more, but it’s relieving the huge financial stress and getting our debt taken care of.
I think in the busy-ness of our life, we’ve lost focus and lost our way a bit, but we have both recognized it at this point and things are looking up. Today feels so much better than yesterday, and yesterday may just have been rock bottom for us.
Thanks for all your words and prayers. I’m still listening for anyone who may have more to add.
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bitterhope
Guest
God will bless you for living out His Beatitudes (taking in teens in need)! Thank you for doing that. It is very difficult sometimes, but try each day to find some way to make your wife smile. Acknowledge her struggles, her pain and confusion. Admit yours to her as well. And then, do something crazy, silly or stupid to break the tension. Help lighten her load by helping her de stress. Ask God for the grace to leave your stress outside the home so that you can unite in the common goal of relaxation and harmony with her. It is possible to find that home is a refuge when your time is so minimal, but you might need to find creative alternatives to the traditional ways of doing things.
Edit to add: we have 8 kids ages 2-17 so I do understand the time and stress that goes along with that. My husband is in the military (not an officer) so money is always tight and our schedule revolves around the needs of the Army. Deployments are continuous it seems–he’s always either coming or going and that creates it’s own stress and conflicts. I’m telling you this because I do understand and I want you to know your family is not alone in this. I’ve been there and God has been what sustains us. Sometimes He’s all we’ve got it seems. Laughter helps. Crying together or holding the other while he/she does helps. They are stress relievers. Sometimes we laugh through our tears. But eventually the tears dry up and the laughter keeps coming. Praying that your family gets to that point quickly.
Edit to add: we have 8 kids ages 2-17 so I do understand the time and stress that goes along with that. My husband is in the military (not an officer) so money is always tight and our schedule revolves around the needs of the Army. Deployments are continuous it seems–he’s always either coming or going and that creates it’s own stress and conflicts. I’m telling you this because I do understand and I want you to know your family is not alone in this. I’ve been there and God has been what sustains us. Sometimes He’s all we’ve got it seems. Laughter helps. Crying together or holding the other while he/she does helps. They are stress relievers. Sometimes we laugh through our tears. But eventually the tears dry up and the laughter keeps coming. Praying that your family gets to that point quickly.
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Xantippe
Guest
What you and your wife are doing is hard and stressful (you working so much, her coping mostly alone with a lot of kids, dealing with money problems). It feels hard because it is hard, not necessarily because either of you is doing anything very wrong.
How long do you foresee the current schedule continuing? Is there an end in sight?
Best wishes!
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Sugabee43
Guest
Yes! Communication is EVERYTHING!! Just tell her how *you’re *feeling (sad; remorseful; out of sorts- whatever it is), and that you miss her and the way you two usually “are” together. That should help spur the conversation and maybe you two can pray together and brainstorm some practical ways to get the mopes out and the magic in. 
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ClearWater
Guest
You did better than flowers, so that’s more than okay.
You sound like a great couple but are going through a rough patch. You both sound like you want things to work out, and that’s a very good sign.
You both have a lot on your plates and a lot of stressors.
I think you’ll work it out. Good luck to you both!
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Latinitas
Guest
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. One thing I can recommend more anything is to pray the Rosary together. Don’t say you don’t have time - time was given to us to glorify God and save our souls.
I would second a recommendation for counselling, although you want to make sure that you attend a good counsellor (and not somoene who will recommend divorce).
I hope this is helpful
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas
I would second a recommendation for counselling, although you want to make sure that you attend a good counsellor (and not somoene who will recommend divorce).
I hope this is helpful
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas
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Catholic1954
Guest
Even though you have not, you wife probably feels abandoned by you and left to cope with running the household and all the kids on her own. You guys sound like good candidates for Marriage Encounter. It is a communication workshop for couples who want to improve their marriage. You parish office should be able to give you more details about one in your area. These are tough times right now, but don’t let things get out of hand and turn into a situation that is very difficult or can’t be stopped.
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Graceful_Lamb
Guest
Have you tried Love Dare? thelovedarebook.com/ It is based on the movie Fireproof. If you haven’t seen Fireproof, you should definitely make a point of watching it. it is a very good Christian movie about marriage.
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Graceful_Lamb
Guest
Notes are for middle school kids? I know this comment wasn’t directed at me and I thought it was insulting, too.
I think notes/letter/cards can be a good way to communicate, if there is a difficulty in communicating with words at some point. I don’t think it should be used as a daily or consistent way of communicating, but to break the ice after a longstanding argument, I think it could be a good way to open up the lines of communication.
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oneofmany
Guest
I was going to suggest that, you beat me to it.
It does take 2 to fight but both need to work on a marriage. In the movie the husband had a problem with porn but I don’t think that is the problem here. The movie does not point it out specifically since it is rated PG but when the husband smashed his computer you know that is what he is trying to get rid of, although some can be on the computer or have other interests too much and that takes the place of the marriage relationship.
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oneofmany
Guest
Personally, I think they are excellent. I have used them when I could not say what I was feeling. It helps me to focus and get the main problem out. I don’t like to talk sometimes if it will only end in a fight.
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28562
Guest
Yes, when we went through a rough patch about 4 years ago. It worked well. I think my mom has my copy now.
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