Marriage troubles

[28562]

What you and your wife are doing is hard and stressful (you working so much, her coping mostly alone with a lot of kids, dealing with money problems). It feels hard because it is hard, not necessarily because either of you is doing anything very wrong.

How long do you foresee the current schedule continuing? Is there an end in sight?

Best wishes!

It will continue as long as it is sustainable. We need the extra income now and we are trying to get rid of as much debt as possible. If we don’t get rid of some monthly payments, we will be in big financial trouble.

 

[28562]

Even though you have not, you wife probably feels abandoned by you and left to cope with running the household and all the kids on her own. You guys sound like good candidates for Marriage Encounter. It is a communication workshop for couples who want to improve their marriage. You parish office should be able to give you more details about one in your area. These are tough times right now, but don’t let things get out of hand and turn into a situation that is very difficult or can’t be stopped.

It would be nice to do something like this, but it’s just not going to be possible due to the kids.

 

[28562]

Notes are for middle school kids? I know this comment wasn’t directed at me and I thought it was insulting, too.

I think notes/letter/cards can be a good way to communicate, if there is a difficulty in communicating with words at some point. I don’t think it should be used as a daily or consistent way of communicating, but to break the ice after a longstanding argument, I think it could be a good way to open up the lines of communication.

Thank you.

 

[Xantippe]

It will continue as long as it is sustainable. We need the extra income now and we are trying to get rid of as much debt as possible. If we don’t get rid of some monthly payments, we will be in big financial trouble.

From what you described in the OP, it doesn’t sound like it is sustainable.

I think you need to come up with a kill date for the second job–there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel for both you and your wife.

Can you be caught up within a year?

 

[28562]

From what you described in the OP, it doesn’t sound like it is sustainable.

I think you need to come up with a kill date for the second job–there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel for both you and your wife.

Can you be caught up within a year?

I don’t expect it to last even a year. They said they plan to keep me around for several months. In as little as 4 months, if I do everything right, my wife’s vehicle can be paid off. That’s the main goal.

 

[28562]

Things seemed to have turned around since I posted this. We’ve both recognized some issues and are both tired of not being “us”. That has helped a bunch.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t expect it to last even a year. They said they plan to keep me around for several months. In as little as 4 months, if I do everything right, my wife’s vehicle can be paid off. That’s the main goal.

Whew–that’s much more workable!

I was afraid the plan was to keep doing this for 2-3 years.

That sounds feasible.

I expect it’s just harder to do this when it’s so close to Christmas–your wife is probably going nuts with worrying about how she can make everything happen. Maybe have a talk with her about division of Christmas responsibilities if you haven’t already? (And think hard about what the bigger kids could help with.)

Best wishes!

 

[28562]

Whew–that’s much more workable!

I was afraid the plan was to keep doing this for 2-3 years.

That sounds feasible.

I expect it’s just harder to do this when it’s so close to Christmas–your wife is probably going nuts with worrying about how she can make everything happen. Maybe have a talk with her about division of Christmas responsibilities if you haven’t already? (And think hard about what the bigger kids could help with.)

Best wishes!

2-3 years? Heck no. I would divorce myself if that were the case.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Just a note on notes. Like emails, people can be gun shy about them because they can be used as classic passive aggressive behavior. A way to get your side out “perfectly” from a distance. Forcing the other person to dwell on your thoughts for days even. I think the previous poster may have been alarmed by that. I was alarmed by that and the mention of " not having to respond". This could be an indicator of passive aggressive behavior. Notes in a marriage is one thing and can be great. But deep emotions are rarely conveyed well to those closest to us in a note. Though it can feel quite freeing to write. My mother is a manipulator who has used notes, letters and emails to “win” arguments. Which is why my wife and I do not communicate with notes. Except for the ever powerful note that does not explain but rather apologizes. Sometimes that is when a note or text or email can be quite powerful! Be careful. Notice that in just this thread what you wrote needed further clarification and caused misunderstandings. Something to consider…

 

[Xantippe]

Just a note on notes. Like emails, people can be gun shy about them because they can be used as classic passive aggressive behavior. A way to get your side out “perfectly” from a distance. Forcing the other person to dwell on your thoughts for days even. I think the previous poster may have been alarmed by that. I was alarmed by that and the mention of " not having to respond". This could be an indicator of passive aggressive behavior. Notes in a marriage is one thing and can be great. But deep emotions are rarely conveyed well to those closest to us in a note. Though it can feel quite freeing to write. My mother is a manipulator who has used notes, letters and emails to “win” arguments. Which is why my wife and I do not communicate with notes. Except for the ever powerful note that does not explain but rather apologizes. Sometimes that is when a note or text or email can be quite powerful! Be careful. Notice that in just this thread what you wrote needed further clarification and caused misunderstandings. Something to consider…

I remember seeing it said that criticism should be delivered orally, whereas praise should be in writing!

There are exceptions, naturally, but the theory behind it is that oral speech is more ephemeral, while a written note can be cherished and preserved indefinitely.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I remember seeing it said that criticism should be delivered orally, whereas praise should be in writing!

There are exceptions, naturally, but the theory behind it is that oral speech is more ephemeral, while a written note can be cherished and preserved indefinitely.

Yes I have heard that as well and find it to be very true!

 

[1inICXC]

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