Marriage--When does the fighting stop?

[prolifewife]

This is my experience, too, though sancta’s got 5 years on us!

prolifewife, I tend to think that frequent fighting are a sign of underlying communication issues or unhappiness. There are different communication techniques you can try to nip this kind of fighting in the bud.

One that was recommended to us at our pre-cana was a “daily temperature reading” where you take 15 minutes at the end of the day to sit with your spouse and see how their day has gone, affirm them, provide “news” from the day, and highlight one issue or problem you would like to discuss with them. You then discuss things calmly, within the time limits, and either reach a decision or decide to return to it later. You do not criticize, raise voices, etc., and neither person is allowed to walk away (no silent treatment!) during the 15 minutes.

Another option I just saw on Supernanny (hey, don’t knock the show, she gives some good advice!), is “3 in 30”. At the end of the day, husband and wife take 30 minutes with each other. Each one writes down 3 issues/problems/concerns to bring up with the other person. They either are points of information (“It frustrates me when you…”) or things that need to be worked out (“Can we talk about how much time you have been spending at work?”). Again, spouses do not criticize or raise voices, and all three issues that each spouse brings up are discussed. If topics are too heavy to finish at that time, set a time to discuss them soon and set guidelines for how that discussion will go. At the end of the 30 minutes (set a timer if you need to!), they let go of what was said and shred the paper on which they wrote down their 3 things.

The common thread in both of these techniques is that they set ground rules for communication between a husband and wife. In both of these, you save all of your major criticisms of the other person or disagreements with choices until your “set” time to discuss them amicably. This is so helpful when communication in marriage becomes “out of control” and manifests in fighting that results in hurt feelings and distance between spouses.

It’s important to set overall ground rules for marital communication, too. Each spouse needs to agree to these. For example, “no giving the silent treatment,” “no yelling/be respectful,” “affirm before you criticize,” “always use ‘we’ instead of ‘I’,” etc. There are many resources on this topic all over the web and in print.

God bless!

These are very good Rach. Thanks! :hug3:

We probably do have some communication issues due to the fact that I have severe OCD which makes communicating with me an extra challenge, as does me being able to communicate in return.

But overall I would say that we have a good marriage. Like I said we have been through more in four years than many couples will go through in a lifetime, or at least won’t experience until their senior years. That’s a lot of stress and heartache on a young growing marriage. I think most people who are, or have been in our situation would agree. In other words I don’t see our marriage as having more issues than typical Christian marriages, but I know that our marriage is far from typical in and of itself.

 

[EasterJoy]

These are very good Rach. Thanks! :hug3:

We probably do have some communication issues due to the fact that I have severe OCD which makes communicating with me an extra challenge, as does me being able to communicate in return.

But overall I would say that we have a good marriage. Like I said we have been through more in four years than many couples will go through in a lifetime, or at least won’t experience until their senior years. That’s a lot of stress and heartache on a young growing marriage. I think most people who are, or have been in our situation would agree. In other words I don’t see our marriage as having more issues than typical Christian marriages, but I know that our marriage is far from typical in and of itself.

You have heard about the Counsellor’s Working Definition of a Dysfunctional Family?
“Dysfunctional Family: n. Any family with more than one person in it.”

Your OCD undoubtedly presents its own specific challenges, but there is always something, no matter who you are. In some marriages, yelling and “over”-excitement are simply how things get discussed, and everyone can live with that. Sometimes, everyone thinks that is the ideal, because both parties find a person who can remain entirely calm while the person’s spouse is furious to be extra infuriating! They don’t want or trust someone who isn’t demonstrative about their emotions. In other marriages, there isn’t a single fight, only discussions, and that is just the way the couple is. In others, there isn’t a single fight… up to and including the day the divorce is filed. In other words, the question isn’t whether you will have disagreements and upset. The question is: how will you handle it?

Talk to your husband about the fighting issue. He’s the one you need to be on the same page with.

 

[prolifewife]

You have heard about the Counsellor’s Working Definition of a Dysfunctional Family?
“Dysfunctional Family: n. Any family with more than one person in it.”

Your OCD undoubtedly presents its own specific challenges, but there is always something, no matter who you are. In some marriages, yelling and “over”-excitement are simply how things get discussed, and everyone can live with that. Sometimes, everyone thinks that is the ideal, because both parties find a person who can remain entirely calm while the person’s spouse is furious to be extra infuriating! They don’t want or trust someone who isn’t demonstrative about their emotions. In other marriages, there isn’t a single fight, only discussions, and that is just the way the couple is. In others, there isn’t a single fight… up to and including the day the divorce is filed. In other words, the question isn’t whether you will have disagreements and upset. The question is: how will you handle it?

Talk to your husband about the fighting issue. He’s the one you need to be on the same page with.

We would never separate, and are in this for the long haul. Our fights are generally over very petty little things. Like I forgot to do something, or didn’t do something and it needed to be done, or done right or thoroughly enough. Or I touched something that he said not too. Things like that. Yesterday our fight was because I didn’t make much of an effort to look for something that was important to find. He felt that I don’t put as much effort into things as he does. Which is often true. I am a huge procrastinator, and often too depressed to have any desire to do something, let alone get it done. So, yeah, OCD is a big factor in this. But I’m doing all I can for it.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

My DH & I are not big fighters, but that’s just our personalities, we’re pretty even tempered and non-confrontational with everyone, not just each other. Sure, there are times when I want to throw things at him, but I don’t.

Depending on what you are fighting about, and what the fights are like, it might be normal – or not. Things I think are NOT normal – name calling and belittling, bringing up ancient history and making threats (like threats to leave).

However, some fighting seems to be no big deal. I am friendly with a couple who I used to think fought too much. Now that I know them better, I see that they are just both sort of hot-headed and passionate people. I think they yell at each other too easily, but it doesn’t seem to bother them! I noticed that they are also very demonstrative of their love, too – they hold hands, hug & kiss a lot more than most couples I know. So I think it normal for them. Know what I mean?

 

[Feanor2]

Go see a Licensed therapist with experience with couples. I don’t see the need to stress about finding a Catholic one. THe approach for Licensed professionals is the same.

My wife and I see a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and it is helping a lot!

 

[prolifewife]

My DH & I are not big fighters, but that’s just our personalities, we’re pretty even tempered and non-confrontational with everyone, not just each other. Sure, there are times when I want to throw things at him, but I don’t.

Depending on what you are fighting about, and what the fights are like, it might be normal – or not. Things I think are NOT normal – name calling and belittling, bringing up ancient history and making threats (like threats to leave).

However, some fighting seems to be no big deal. I am friendly with a couple who I used to think fought too much. Now that I know them better, I see that they are just both sort of hot-headed and passionate people. I think they yell at each other too easily, but it doesn’t seem to bother them! I noticed that they are also very demonstrative of their love, too – they hold hands, hug & kiss a lot more than most couples I know. So I think it normal for them. Know what I mean?

Yeah, we are both very opinionated strong willed individuals.

 

[prolifewife]

DH and I had a talk two days ago about our fighting. We are going to make extra efforts to keep the fighting/arguing at a minimum. I’m gonna work extra hard on making living with my OCD more bearable (for him and for me) so I can be a better wife more of the time. He’s gonna work extra hard on remembering I have OCD, and my extra needs and sensitivities because of it. We’re going to get this yet. We’ve improved so much, and I know it doesn’t have to stay where it’s at, we can do even better!

 

[Feanor2]

Prolifewife,: are you being treated for the OCD? Therapy and, sometimes, medication can be enormously effective in treating this disorder specifically.

Does you husband understand the dynamics of OCD? How it manifests itself? Any ways he may be helpful?

 

[prolifewife]

Prolifewife,: are you being treated for the OCD? Therapy and, sometimes, medication can be enormously effective in treating this disorder specifically.

Does you husband understand the dynamics of OCD? How it manifests itself? Any ways he may be helpful?

OH YEAH! If I didn’t have my meds or counseling I’d be in the hospital. Unfortunately OCD still has no cure. And since I have a severe case, I can only expect minimal results from meds and therapy.

Yes, my husband understands my OCD better than anyone else I know, sometimes better than myself! He is always, ALWAYS there to help me through the rough times. He is patient, kind, understanding and goes to heroic lengths to help me feel even a little bit better. I have several other chronic physical medical issues, and he is a saint to put up with the OCD and all the other health issues too. I am truly blessed.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I think some of this depends on personalities. My wife and I are both pretty opinionated and are “smart alecks” besides. Both of us are kind of fond of language and like making arguments with words. We used to fight a lot. We’re still pretty much the same kinds of personalities we always were, but it has toned down a lot. Most of it, I think, is that we now see it coming from a long way off and have learned to avoid real argument most of the time. The very first thing we did when we met was argue. That’s a fact.

But there are different kinds of fighting. I truly do think most of our earlier fights were just to fight because we like argument. We have three grown children now who are the very same way. They fight just because they like argument; its structure, its ups and downs, the remarkable phrases it sometimes engenders. Not too surprisingly, two of the three were debaters in high school. We have two daughters who don’t do it.

But I’ll admit that this sort of thing can get out of hand. That’s why my wife and I have sort of adapted, because escalation is always a peril. We learned to keep our verbal sparring on a more controlled level, so it’s now more of an intellectual exercise. But let’s face it, arguing really is mentally stimulating.

I realize we’re a bit odd, and what I’m saying here might not have any application to many. But it’s something to think about. Lots and lots of human beings really do like argument as a stimulating mental activity, but don’t realize it, so the true nature of it is not understood. Between spouses, though, it can get out of control. One ought to think about that and find ways to adapt it if necessary.

 

[baylee]

This is an interesting thread because there seems to be so many opinions and so many different expectations of marriage. I suspect that there is no one answer…that each marriage is different. Some fight more than others…and I am of the belief that just because they do doesn’t mean they are in trouble or a failure. Personally, I think fighting to some extent is* healthy*.

Having said that, there are fights and then there are fights…and of course how you fight. I read a book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emereson Eggerichs. It’s based upon the Bible verse Ephesians 5:33 and it really does make sense. It’s hard to swallow some of it, but there is something to be said that the sexes are different in what they most want and need. Women want and need unconditional love; men want and need unconditional respect. Both want both, but one is more important than the other depending upon whether you are a woman or a man. If I had to summarize the basic gist, it would be …before you do/say something to your spouse, is what you are about to say or do givng him the respect he wants/needs (or is what you are going to say or do giving her the love she wants/need)? We tend to think that what our spouse wants/needs is what we think we want or need. That is not always the case!

I had a fight with my husband this past weekend. Without getting into details, I later thought about it…especially my part in it. I thought I was doing something loving and was hurt when I didn’t get the response I wanted. In reality, I was not being respectful of what he wanted at that moment.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything in that book, but I think if we monitor ourselves re: Love and Respect needs, it really does help. So yes, I think we can limit our marital fights…especially to dumb, petty things…but it takes work on both parts.

 

[nana3]

This is an interesting thread because there seems to be so many opinions and so many different expectations of marriage. I suspect that there is no one answer…that each marriage is different. Some fight more than others…and I am of the belief that just because they do doesn’t mean they are in trouble or a failure. Personally, I think fighting to some extent is* healthy*.

Having said that, there are fights and then there are fights…and of course how you fight. I read a book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emereson Eggerichs. It’s based upon the Bible verse Ephesians 5:33 and it really does make sense. It’s hard to swallow some of it, but there is something to be said that the sexes are different in what they most want and need. Women want and need unconditional love; men want and need unconditional respect. Both want both, but one is more important than the other depending upon whether you are a woman or a man. If I had to summarize the basic gist, it would be …before you do/say something to your spouse, is what you are about to say or do givng him the respect he wants/needs (or is what you are going to say or do giving her the love she wants/need)? We tend to think that what our spouse wants/needs is what we think we want or need. That is not always the case!

I had a fight with my husband this past weekend. Without getting into details, I later thought about it…especially my part in it. I thought I was doing something loving and was hurt when I didn’t get the response I wanted. In reality, I was not being respectful of what he wanted at that moment.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything in that book, but I think if we monitor ourselves re: Love and Respect needs, it really does help. So yes, I think we can limit our marital fights…especially to dumb, petty things…but it takes work on both parts.

I have read this book too and I love it. I will say this though. I have a husband who has some mental health issues as well. He has a disorder and depression. Books like this help to some extent. I think it was written with the “normal” person in mind. If one person or both are having issues, the other has to deal with some added things besides the normal things a married couple may go through. All I will say, it is very difficult and without the Lord Jesus, it just can’t be done. Marriage needs Christ as the center or it won’t work. Fight, don’t fight, it happens or not happens, for those who never fight, you have been blessed with exceptional marriages, but for us that do have fights, we need all the grace and prayers we can get. It is not that our marriage is bad and we are heading for divorce, but that it does have difficult times. I know mine does, many of them. I could not have done it if my dh didn’t seek professional help and if we did not keep Christ as the center, or least I did or do.

The OP admits she has some problems that her dh has to deal with and he is having a difficult time dealing with it. It is not easy and it is an adjustment for him. I know it was for me, but I did not know my dh had any disorder. I figured that one out after we were married and insisted he seek help or I could not stay married. He had excessive rage and no one should have to live in fear all the time. I never knew what would set him off. It was terrible. Anyway, it was a huge adjustment for me. I still have to learn how to deal with him. It is just a way of life that you have to learn but until you do, you fight. We did. I wish we didn’t have to, but we did.

 

[Corinne3]

It’s not worth it to fight. Just tune out, any arguments and you’ll be happier in the long run.

Also fighting really wears on your emotional and thus on your physical health too.

Don’t go there.

If there is a major problem concerning the kids, go to a restaurant to discuss it, where you cannot walk out, yell or etc. This is what I have learned.

God Bless

 

[nana3]

It’s not worth it to fight. Just tune out, any arguments and you’ll be happier in the long run.

Also fighting really wears on your emotional and thus on your physical health too.

Don’t go there.

If there is a major problem concerning the kids, go to a restaurant to discuss it, where you cannot walk out, yell or etc. This is what I have learned.

God Bless

I agree with all you said and I think your idea of going somewhere is a great idea, but it doesn’t always work. When I first married my dh, he would yell at me in public, in the grocery store, where ever and it was embrarrassing. When they have mental health problems and can’t control themselves without the help of medication, they will yell in public places too. So this is great advice for normal people without any problems. I don’t know if the OP and her dh can control themselves in public, but I know at the beginning of our marriage, my dh could not and I would just walk away.

Yes, it does wear you down emotionally. I wish we had a marriage like some describe in this thread where they discuss things and never fight. Wow, what a blessing. I pray for a happy and holy marriage every day, but I know my dh can still be irrational many times and I feel like I am just fighting with myself. I just give up a lot and not fight and hold a lot in, which is not good either, but my dh is getting help and is on medications and what else can he do. The psychiatrist told me he may always stay angry because it is part of his personality. Oh great! Oh well, I still pray for a miracle for he has changed already so much since day one.

I pray for the OP and her marriage for I know it is so draining to fight and I understand the world she lives in. It can become a very lonely world and you feel so alone in it all. Depression can set in so easily too. I will pray for your marriage and pray that your dh will have the patience he needs to understand you and I pray that you won’t be so hard on yourself either. My dh tends to do that too. Don’t do that to yourself.

God bless you.

 

[Magickman]

Conflict is an occupational hazard of marriage.

The fighting in my parents 55 year marriage ended only with my father’s last breath.

Close observation of their fighting led me to question the institution of marriage, and to reject marriage in my own life.

 

[nana3]

Conflict is an occupational hazard of marriage.

The fighting in my parents 55 year marriage ended only with my father’s last breath.

Close observation of their fighting led me to question the institution of marriage, and to reject marriage in my own life.

Wow, we don’t fight that much. I am sorry that you feel the may you do about marriage due to their fighting. It is too bad, but remember not every marriage is like that. My dh has an aunt and uncle who have been married for about 45 or more years and they are always fighting. I don’t know how they stay married. They are so mean to each other. My MIL said she remembers them fighting like that since they first got married. They had two daughters and both got married and both are divorced. They both admit they came from a dysfunctional marriage. If we fought that much, we would be in marriage counseling. I have seen and heard my dh’s aunt and uncle fight and it is terrible. I don’t think they know how to live without fighting. It is horrible and sad.